Cartoon Realness & A Request

I know I've written about this a lot on this blog but writing helps and this is my outlet for all things writing. This is yet another post regarding depression and loneliness, both which have had a strong hold over me in the past 2 weeks. 

I have been writing and rewriting this entry so many times that I almost can't keep all the versions separate anymore. My first draft focused on the concept of "best friends" and how much resentment I have against that term and anyone lucky enough to have someone they call their "best" friend. Best. Above the rest. It's all very bothersome to me. But I couldn't flesh out more than just jealous feelings and didn't want to sit in that too long.

So I scrapped it and started reflecting on why I feel invisible/disposable to my friends because it has been a constant theme in my long term depression timeline, but also felt very strongly these past 2 weeks. The image of Jack Frost from the movie "Rise of the Guardians" flashed in my mind and I began to cry. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend you do! Without giving too much of the main story away, I want to explain why Jack Frost made me tear up. You see, he's invisible to children because they don't believe he's real. Now, I don't need children to believe I'm real in order to be seen, but I do understand Jack's pain at being ignored or seen as less than significant than others. In the movie, characters like Santa Claus, the easter bunny, and even the tooth fairy can be seen by those who believe in them. And although they can't see him, Jack still plays with kids and gives them snow days so that at least he can bring them some joy regardless of his invisibility.

"They won't remember me". "I could disappear and no one would notice". This is something I have long believed about myself; So much so that it's honestly difficult to see it as false. It's my reality most of the time. I keep to myself when there is a problem and typically find something to soothe me (food, internet, TV, etc.) instead of asking for help from friends or family. 

So this blog post is my [very public] request for those of you I call friends to check-in every once in a while. I know we're all busy and have schedules and calendars booked from here until Christmas 2020 it seems...but I'm a forgetful person and often forget anyone really cares about me. In fact, my general self-talk tells me that everyone else has a best friend or someone who looks out for them specifically (like a boyfriend or husband) and I don't...therefore I must not be important enough. So I need to be reminded, even with a simple text or email, that I'm visible. I feel very awkward talking about this so publicly and making this request, but I'm going to post it and not listen to all the thoughts in my head telling me this is selfish. 

I'm not entirely sure what to say now. 

I do want you to know that I'm going to continue to try and be better at reaching out to all of you as well. You are important to me and I see you. I know friendship is a two-way street and I hold myself responsible for my end of the deal. 

I'll leave you with this beautiful picture a fan drew that is inspired by the Disney movie "Big Hero 6". We all could use a squishy hug with Baymax, right? If you haven't seen this movie, watch "Rise of the Guardians", and then immediately this one. It's adorable. 

Be Still and know I am.

My blog feels very different than most of the blogs that I read and I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. I don't have "popular" posts about fashion/skin care but I do share insights and thoughts that I have about life and all it's ups and downs hoping that whoever reads it will know that you aren't alone. Sometimes I write to express myself, other times I write to share my love for a show or actor, and sometimes I write my observations about life in general. I can't say much other than this is the blog that I want to have and I can't be something that I'm not.

All this to say, thanks for sticking with me and if you're still reading this...I appreciate your time and attention ;)

This week I wanted to share a song with you that has helped me get through the stressful and depressing days that I've experienced recently. Without going into too many details, depression isn't something that just goes away when you start to feel "a little bit better". In my personal experience, I have good days and I have very bad days. Thankfully I'm at the point where the good outweigh the bad.

In my bad days, I often search out things that will encourage me or make me "feel better". Typically it's my favorite TV show but music comes in a close second in terms of what I seek for comfort. I recently discovered the song "Be Still" by The Fray.

No matter how hurt I am with the church, my friends, or myself...my Creator does bring me comfort when it feels as though I'm completely alone in the world. I need to turn to Him more and this song helps remind me of that fact.

I'll write out the lyrics on the bottom of the page. I encourage you to read them while listening to the song for the first time. Then, listen a second time with your eyes closed. Allow our Creator to speak through the song. Take deep breaths. Calm your mind. This was my process of listening to the song and immediately I began to cry. I needed to hear this song in my darkest moment so that I could be reminded that I'm not alone. The lyric that stood out the most to me is "If no one is standing beside you...be still and know I am".

Be still and know I am.

I hope that you do take a moment to listen and allow peace to calm your soul, even for just 3 minutes of your day.

Be still and know that I'm with you 

Be still and know that I am here. 

Be still and know that I'm with you

Be still, Be still, and know. 

When Darkness comes upon you

And colors you with fear and shame

Be still and know that I'm with you

And I will say your name. 

If terror falls upon your bed

and sleep no longer comes

Remember all the words I said

Be still, be still, and know

And when you go through the valley

And the shadow comes down from the hill

If morning never comes to be

Be still, be still, be still 

If you forget the way to go

And lose where you came from 

If no one is standing beside you 

Be still and know I am. 

Be still and know that I'm with you

Be still and know I am. 

Hello my lovely readers! My brain feels a bit scattered these days as I've gone between a crazy heavy work schedule (14 hour days!) to a fan convention in Vancouver (Canada) and then straight into a week of vacation and lounging by the pool (trying desperately) to get a tan before summer officially came to a close. 

I am back, however, to my usual routine and looking forward to what this Fall/Winter season has in store! I have a lot of little projects and ideas floating around which is exciting...but also a bit overwhelming. I fear that I'm not focusing enough on any one particular thing and that they all might suffer from being neglected. We all have busy seasons and seasons of having little to do. Well... I have finally reached a slow season professionally and I'm looking forward to focusing more on writing, blogging, learning, and hopefully having some fun while I'm at it! Excited to share this journey with you! 

That's really all I have for today's post. I posted some pictures from my Canadian vacation below! 

When in Canada, one must buy moose!

 

View from our first meal in Vancouver

Me showing my Dean Winchester love

Mom & I being silly in airports

Beautiful Stanley Park

Hope you have a wonderful weekend everyone! 

Positivity Challenge Day 2

I was challenged by a facebook friend to write 3 positive things fir 5 straight days and I decided to start the challenge on my facebook but continue it here (so I don't overwhelm anyone AND still accept the challenge). 

This is going to be 4 days of a simple list of things that I'm grateful for: 

1. Air Conditioning: It's nice to have the option to stay in a house with my mom that has air conditoning, especially for a long weekend (like this one) with such hot temperatures. It's a luxury and I'll gladly take it. 

2. Sketchers: I tried my first pair of sketchers back in 2011 and immediately fell in love. I tried the first GoRuns and they were the most comfortable shoes that I have ever worn. Unfortunately they changed them just about a year later when they made the GoRun2 which was a bit disappointing but they were still pretty comfortable. I then waited 2 years to even think about buying another pair mainly because of money but also I loved that pair so much and didn't need to look for another. Boy was that a mistake. I recently found myself in a sketchers outlet and they literally have a million (and one) different types of GoRuns and it's so hard to determine what the difference is between them all. It's VERY annoying because I know that I loved the original and I can no longer buy it...BUT the positive part is that I found another pair and I've fallen in love with! I bought the GoRun 3 and I'm pretty happy. I mean, I hate sketchers because they keep changing it...but I also love them :) 

3. My Mom: I genuinely love spending time with my mom. I'm the most comfortable with her and she can allows me to rest, relax, laugh, and have a good time. I love her. 

Tomorrow I'll post another 3 things that I'm grateful for! Join me and list 3 things that YOU'RE thankful for in the comments below! 

28th year

Erika: 

Today you turn 28 years old and seeing that number written on the page feels odd.  But you are writing a letter in the third person so you're clearly an odd person already :) 

Here is a letter to myself about what the past year has been and what hopes I have for the year ahead. 

You are 28 years old and you are still discovering who you are. While it might be "normal"... you still feel like you're behind the curve. The great part is that you're finally in a place to accept that things in life happen slower for you than most people. And that's okay. 

You've never been the most adventurous person, but I hope that you take more risks this year and decide that no matter what the outcome, the experience alone will be worth it. 

You are an obsessive person and I hope you use this to your benefit this year. Find things that make you happy and people to share that happiness with each day! Invite people into your fangirl world and don't take their opinions/criticism too personally. You love whatever it is and that should be enough. 

I hope that you find a community of people who will challenge and accept you and help you become a stronger and more confident person. I pray that this year is all about gaining confidence and accepting who you were created to be. Don't let anyone tell you different. 

You (VERY) recently got to meet your two favorite actors/celebrities and it was remarkable. You made eye contact with Jensen Ackles and your heart skipped a few beats. He even called you sweetheart. Sigh. You are going to many more conventions and hope to have many more skipped heartbeats with that dude. Remember...he's worth it.

On a somber note, each year your birthday month tends to be a tough month with many "anniversaries" of losing people. It is extremely painful for both you and your family as you balance the pain of loss and being grateful for another birthday personally. Unfortunately this year was no exception. We lost a friend to cancer and we pray for his family and all of us grieving his passing. I pray also that God reveals more of Himself to you and why August is both a celebration of life and mourning death. Ask Jesus and await His response.  

Here's to a year of new discoveries, reflections, adventures, and experiences. 

Also: whenever you are sad just look at this picture and remember how happy they made/make you. 

Happy 28th :) 

Counting Down the End of Summer

Life has been extremely full these past few weeks with my full-time job picking up speed, my friend's passing, and everything that's happened in between...but I did want to update you on a few things I've got going on!

1. My friend's Memorial Service was on Saturday and I unfortunately wasn't be able to go. I mention it here only so that we can all keep his family in our prayers. I'll be keeping all my friends who attended in spirit, especially his wife and young son. 

2. I flew to Vancouver for a Supernatural Convention this past weekend! I was so flipping excited about this, I can't even put it into words. This was my first convention where I'm met my favorite and the thought alone made my stomach go topsy-turvy. Excited/Anxious/Nervous/Happy almost begins to cover it....almost.

The Jensen Ackles (aka favorite)

3. I'm looking into gaining more knowledge of blogging by working with a fellow blogger! She blogs at Helene In Between and she's offering consultations to help new bloggers learn, develop, and grow their readers! I have some budgeting to do and things to think about but I'm pretty sure I'll be working with her in the near future!

4. I'm looking forward to a slower work schedule in September. Might sound silly, but my full-time job has BUSY seasons and it also has "there's nothing to do and it's 10am" seasons. In years past I would enjoy the slower times for about a week and then be bored. This year though, I'm excited to use time to organize and plan out blogs, write, and basically use the extra space for creativity. We'll see how this actually plays out, but in theory this could be really great :) 

I'll be writing a recap of the weekend soon because it's too much awesome for a smaller post such as this. I'm looking forward to the end of summer and beginning of fall. What are some things that YOU'VE been up to as the summer winds down? Let me know in the comments below! 

Until we meet again...

Today's post isn't fun or silly. Today I write from a solemn and somber place in my heart. I want this blog to be a mixture of both happy and sad (and all that's in the middle) because isn't that how we all experience life? 

Today is also another installment of Faith Friday in the form of a lament to God about life and loss. 

I'm not entirely sure how to write this post or the "right" words to say. Death is never something I like discussing or thinking about because it's scary, sad, overwhelming, and ultimately unknown. As much as I would love to pretend death never happens, life always reminds me that this just isn't true. Unfortunately this week was another reminder of this fact.

This week we lost a dear friend to cancer.

I can't help but mourn for those he left behind. That's usually my focus when faced with death; not on those who have left but on those who have to stay behind and miss them. I experienced this when my grandma passed away and I , along with my whole family, struggled through the sadness and grief.  I experienced this in high school when a friend passed away and we had to finish out senior year without her.

My faith tells me that they are in a better place with you The Father...but my heart is selfish and wants them to stay with me forever. I'm so touched and impressed by the people closest to the situation who remain faithful and depend only on strength from God to continue each day. I can only hope that if placed in the same situation I would do the same.

For those who are mourning and having a difficult time, you are not alone. We all mourn with one another in solidarity and miss what we no longer have in this life. I pray that you will find rest and peace as time passes and as God reveals His Glory and Love to us in our own personal ways. Be with us and sustain us oh Lord. Please give us the strength we need each day. We cannot do it alone.

I wanted to end this post with a quote that was written in a facebook group for our dear friend after we were told of his passing. It stood out to me and has brought me solace each day since I first read it:

May the road rise up to meet you. 

May the wind be always at your back. 

May the sun shine warm upon your face. 

And the rain fall soft upon your field. 

And until we meet again, until we meet again...

May God hold you in the palm of His hand. 

10 Facts

Feeling like I should do a fun post to sort-of introduce myself to any new readers that might be checking out my blog for the first time! And for any longtime readers or family/friends just stopping by, these may be eye-opening NEW facts for you too ;) Plus people really seem to love lists now-a-days (Hello every Buzzfeed article ever)...

In no particular order of importance: 

1. I used to HATE drinking water. Even until I was 19 years old (can't remember exactly when it changed) but now I almost can't get enough of it. I barely drink anything else in the day...and I never thought I'd be this person but here we are. 

2. I love everything that lights up. We are talking Electric Light Parade status of lights. I love all that exists within that parade. Let's just say Disneyland at nighttime is my personal heaven.  

Also: Toys like this

3. I'm Multi-Ethnic (Half Mexican, Half White) and I really struggled with this in college. I still feel the tension of "not fitting in" but thankfully I'm a lot better now than I used to be with being comfortable in my own skin. 

4. My favorite type of songs are angsty breakup songs. I love the angst of it all! Kelly Clarkson's Since U Been Gone! Justin Timberlake's Cry Me A River! No Doubt's Don't Speak! Adele's Someone Like You! Bruno Mars' Natalie.  Ugh...all just so good and those are just the ones that came into my mind.  

5. I've always wanted a surprise birthday party. But sadly never had one. *hint hint * 

6. I'm (soon to be) 28 years old. And still living the single life. Party on Garth.

7. I absolutely LOVE talking about media and television. I love watching TV and then discussing the episodes/stories/seasons with friends. I hope to one day have a job where I get to analyze and discuss TV and actually get paid for it! 

8. My all-time favorite show is Supernatural. I never used to have a favorite show because there was always something holding me back from committing to it (see this post for more details) but now that I've seen the glory that is Supernatural, I know nothing will compare. Hands down best show that I recommend everyone watch. 

 

 9. I'm frighteningly good at arguing/defending myself in conversations. It's part of my job but I think it's also part of my DNA. I get it from my dad.

10. I don't like sweet & salty things eaten together. I know, this one feels anticlimactic for me too as the last fact. But seriously! I don't like the taste of salted caramel/chocolate or any other combo. I like sweet and I like salty just as long as they aren't together.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this silly little update from yours truly...

Now it's YOUR turn! In the comments below let me know a fun fact about you!

Communication 101

I seem to be in a season of constantly thinking about friendship and what it means to be a good friend. This was definitely the focus of my brief time in counseling while I was struggling through depression over the past 9 months and my intense analyzing of friendship has continued even after counseling has ended.

I mentioned some of these similar thoughts in this post, but I wanted to delve a bit deeper and ask you all a question: Whose responsibility is it to keep a friendship alive? I wouldn't say that I'm a "great" friend because I know that I come with a lot of "friendship baggage" but I will say that I'm constantly thinking about how to be a better friend. This is particularly true now that I'm on an upswing coming out of depression. During that time, I didn't want to see or talk to anyone. I couldn't be bothered to care about most of my friends because I barely cared about myself. And I believe that some of my friendships were severely damaged in this time...but is that my fault ... or theirs?

Friendship is a two-way street and I know that I played a part in the broken friendships that I'm experiencing now...but wouldn't it be fair to also say those friends didn't reach out to me when I was chin-deep in depression?

Honestly, I'm not here to play the blame game but rather look deeper into what makes a friendship work. The main sustaining factor is communication. We must reach out to one another and show that we are thinking about/missing the people in our lives. Communication is what sustains any relationship and helps us to understand the people we care about more than just what we see on social media. It allows friendships to flourish into something meaningful, fun, and life-giving.

That is my new goal for the friendships that I wish to revive/maintain...communication.

 It may seem small to some of you reading this, but I've been trying to text and even call more often (I know right..who calls anymore?) so that I show my friends that I care. Some might not reach back, and that's okay. That's their decision and I can't hold that against them. What I can do is reach out and let them know I'm here, trying.

What are some small ways you want to reach out to the people in your life? What goal can you make for yourself this week to communicate better with your family/friends? I'd love to read your thoughts in comments below!

Thanks for reading and I'll see you soon <3

Bloglovin' Yo

Inspired by Zoella's blog and her FAQ page, I decided to join Bloglovin' and find other bloggers to reach out and connect with as I pursue writing for my blog more seriously...and it was the best decision I've made in a long time.  I have found some pretty awesome (and fancy) bloggers out there and some have even reached out to me! I'm inspired by the creativity in posts and the STUNNING designs of some blogs and I want to copy/duplicate them all with my own twist here. My creative juices are flowing! But enough of the mushy stuff...let's get to the post already!

So many posts that I've read recently have felt as though they were written specifically with me in mind. They hit so close to home for me by discussing insecurities in writing and knowing how to "stand out" in the crowd which is exactly what I'm struggling with at the moment. Everyone knows that blogging is popular and it can be hard to distinguish yourself from the millions of other bloggers putting their thoughts out into the world as well.

On Monday night, I broke down in tears with a crippling fear that I am not "unique" enough to be a creator on any medium, let alone my little blog that could. This blog has always been a place for me to express my thoughts, rants, and general fangirl sharing but I always imagined it was just my college friends reading and didn't think much about it. Over the years college ended but my writing continued and now I've really come to love it but still considered it a hobby rather than a serious pursuit up until a few months ago. I don't know exactly WHY but something finally struck a chord and I realized that I need to put all my creative energy into creating and building something here! I had to ask myself: WHAT have I been waiting for?!

Now that I'm made a commitment to writing, I've been able to quickly find others who are doing the same thing but in their own unique voice. I have also been able to feel as though I'm working towards having a place to finally call my own corner of the interwebs. While the blog won't be changing much in style and look (not yet anyways!) I can't help but feel a refreshing sense of "newness" as I think about what is ahead.

Thank you  Burt from postcardtheology.wordpress.com for having unique voices and keeping me interested in hearing what you have to say and Cait from notebooksisters.blogspot.com for reaching out to me. Supernatural fans unite!

There was also someone who wrote this AMAZING blog post about the future of blogging and having your own unique voice simply by being genuine and passionate about what you are writing...and I can't find your link. *sad face * If you're out there mystery blogger, let me know! I need to read more of what you are putting into the universe. Thank you too!

While the details on bloglovin' stats (followers? liked posts?) are still a bit hazy for me, I'm glad that I am able to use the site to read other "Lifestyle" blogs (or those without a set niche of content) and find a community that I hope to one day be a part of!

Cheers to what feels like a new beginning!

Commitment

"You are just afraid of commitment" 

A friend of mine said this to me back when we were in college and it was bizarre to hear those words said about me to my face. I never considered myself a person who feared commitment, but ever since she called that out in me, I have been able to see it more and more. I could never commit to just one favorite actor, one favorite food, not even one favorite type of music. (Hint: I basically have no favorites because everything is my favorite, except Jensen Ackles..he's FOR SURE my favorite.) I still struggle with this to this day! As I've written in past posts, I've had a lot of options laid before me in terms of what my next steps might be and I find myself stuck. I'm unable to commit to one option for fear that one of the others would be the better choice. There is always that lingering question of, "What if..." that ties me down.

I'm not sure how much this plays into my fear of commitment, but I also find that my interests vary and that I have waves of high interest and low interest within each aspect of my life. Some months I love YouTube and I watch all my subscriptions each week...and some months I couldn't be bothered to even login and see what videos are being made. This is true also when I think about my job (love it...and also kinda hate it), my education goals, dating...you get the picture.

Even this quote scares the crap out of me. 

However, I've decided that it's high time for me to actually choose one thing and stick with  it regardless of the outcome. And I choose YOU blog readers! I'm committing myself to writing more often and consistently on this blog and see where this road takes me. Could I focus on other projects/desires? Yes...but I have always loved writing on this blog and writing in general so it makes the most sense to continue doing what I love.

In all honesty, even as I type this sentence my brain is saying, "What about YouTube? Or what about going back to school?! What about _____" but I'm just going to place those on another shelf for another time. If something changes, I'll pursue whatever comes up.

What I ask of you is accountability. Keep me in line if you haven't heard from me! Remind me of my commitment when I whine about not knowing what to do with my time/life. I want this to be as communal as a blog can be! Join me on this journey :)

Here's to commitment!

When Doctors Attack

Feeling violated by a doctor is never good.

I recently visited my doctor for a yearly checkup to make sure everything is in the right place and working as it should, you know being an adult and all. My normal doctor was out on maternity leave so I settled for another doctor because I didn't want to put this off any longer. There are a few issues that I've needed to have addressed by a doctor so I went ahead and made the appointment.

The day of the appointment came and I was feeling pretty good and excited to see what the doctor would have to say.

I walked in and agreed to a few procedures that I had been avoiding, and walked into the exam room. The nurse told me the doctor would be in soon...she said that he would be right in. HE. I specifically asked for a female doctor. I turned towards her as she was about to walk out and stopped her by asking, "Wait...it's a guy?"  YES. This was the beginning of the quick downward fall of this horrible doctors visit.

After several extremely anxious minutes, he walked in and greeted me semi-coldly, as I sat in my gown completely vulnerable. He was pleasant enough, but he moved very quickly to rush me through the procedures and not listening to what I had to say about a single thing. While this upsets me now, at the time, I felt powerless and simply allowed it to happen. The exam was uncomfortable and awkward enough and I basically went inside myself to hide. I didn't have any thoughts or words come to mind that I could say to him about how horrible he was treating me. He was doing something very personal and yet he gave me no warning and insisted on talking about the weight loss options Kaiser offers compared to surgery as he is completing the exam. No. Don't do this. I'm fine with being touched because you are a doctor and there is a nurse in the room to oversee what you are doing. But I would appreciate you telling me what the hell you are doing instead of discussing the weight loss shakes or classes as you touch my chest and other areas.

I did tear up after it was over and he asked if I was alright. I told him I was embarrassed (which I regret saying) and he casually said what I never want to hear a doctor say to any patient ever again: "It's okay. I'm a doctor". This in NO WAY makes it alright for you to treat a patient so robotically and emotionless. Don't get me wrong, I've seen enough Grey's Anatomy episodes to know that doctors do need to guard their own hearts against all of the ugliness in their job (illness, death, etc.) but this was an exam that needed some sympathy and less mechanics.

I'm much better now than I was as I walked out of the exam room. I felt the need to share this completely personal post to anyone reading my blog because I want you to know what I didn't at the time. Stand up for yourself. Speak up and request what you are going to need in order to be comfortable and feel okay about the situation. What that doctor did wasn't professional and he made me feel violated. Don't let this happen to you. My mom gave me some advice that I'm going to offer you now: If you aren't comfortable... tell someone and change it. Make a different appointment, request a new doctor, speak up!

Our words have value and we are worth the extra time/staff that it takes to give us a proper visit with our health care providers.

Surprised by Joy

Faith Friday is where I post my thoughts, opinions, frustrations, and fears regarding Christianity, God, and everything in between. 

I recently purchased C.S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters (along with Mere Christianity and Surprised by Joy) at a local $5 book store near my mom's place. I had heard from previous roommates how much they enjoyed reading his work and figured I would check it out. I found this book (with all three texts!) for $3. WIN. 

I began reading The Screwtape Letters first but found it helpful not to "binge" read those so that I can have more time to fully understand what he's saying in each letter. I love how Screwtape's words mean one thing for him and something completely different for me. His enemy is my God. His sadness is my prayer. I sometimes have to re-read parts of each letter to know what is being communicated. I do enjoy seeing humor in these letters as well as sorrow and temptations that our Enemy places in our lives to throw us off course. 

I have actually been enjoying Surprised by Joy the most because it's his own conversion story told by him! I am a slow reader so I haven't gotten very far into his story but his writing feels very familiar and comfortable to me. I feel as though I'm reading a letter he wrote to me about his childhood and what memories he has of his brother, his family, and what his background was before becoming a christian. I appreciate hearing about this part of his life because it adds so much rich texture to him as a person and allows me to know him as a person. It's so interesting to see how someone who had no real religious background become such a strong voice in Christianity and hear how he converts from atheism to the faith. 

As someone who feels very between the lines of Christianity and non-believers, I am looking forward to continuing this journey with Mr. Lewis and hearing what brought him to be the man he became. 

I'm going to save Mere Christianity for a later time when I can really be present to the text. I'm not sure my current mindset is really going to absorb all that Lewis has to offer from that one. So that'll be for future posts :) 

Excited to post my thoughts on here when I'm finished! Check back later for more updates with the label: Surprised by Joy. 

New Installment: Faith Fridays

Happy Fourth of July! While this post isn't going to be remotely patriotic, I did want to mention that today is our nation's independence day. While my relationship to America is a love/hate one, I can recognize that today is a day to celebrate being an American.  Star-spangled banner, fireworks, BBQ.... other American keywords. Okay, moving on!

I really want to be better about communicating with God as well as work on my writing, so I'm going to combine the two on this blog. Today is the beginning of a series I'm calling Faith Fridays! I'm excited to see what it becomes for me personally and for anyone reading along.

Faith Friday is where I post my thoughts, opinions, frustrations, and fears regarding Christianity, God, and everything in between. 

God,

I don't like going to church anymore, and for that I am sorry. Honestly, I'm not sure I've ever truly enjoyed church. I remember growing up and having my mom tell me that I had to attend and somewhere in the midst of that conversation I felt this huge wave of guilt wash over me. Something inside was telling me that I HAD to go... or else I was a bad person. No one actually said those words to me (at least not that I remember) but it felt very real and very true. Actually being at church didn't really have an affect on my faith or beliefs. What I remember the most about church back then was that everyone was nice to my family (and that's about it).

In college I felt an urge to find a church group, mainly because that's who I felt would be the nicest to me. You helped me find that group and I did flourish in those years. I felt You were near by and finally felt that you were real. I felt loved by my community and by You. But I didn't have a regular church that I attended and that was alright with me. Although I went to random churches each week, this group sort of became my "church". Churches gave me what I needed in the moment, but no lasting relationships to anyone outside my college group.

Let's skip those messy and regretful post-college internship years. I'd like to pretend they didn't happen for You and I. It's easier that way.  

Now church is something I still know I should attend, but God... which one? Where are you? Where will I be included in a community of people who are striving to be better and learn your word? Where will they not hate on the group of people that I love (lgbt)? I'm not interested in political sermons. I'm not interested in hate spread in Your name. I am interested in feeling loved again. I am interested in creating friendships and bonds with others who want to feel loved too. There has to be a place where those things coexist.

So I keep searching. Eventually I'll find You.

Amen.

So Many Things

I've come to realize that I have very eclectic interests and that's starting to make me lose my mind. Being someone who spends a good amount of time online (mainly social media) I find myself thinking about the following things in the span of...oh...5 minutes with the relentless updates and postings:

I see a link for Fan Studies: A Call for Papers regarding Netflix:
I think: "I should write an essay on ______ and submit it to possibly be published!"

Creation Entertainment (runs the Supernatural Conventions) releases tickets for another convention that I really want to attend:
I think: "Man, I would love to go."
Friends Online Say: "You should go! Meet us there!"
I say: "....OKAY! and schedule buying tickets"

Watch a You Tuber vlog about the past weekend's VidCon:
I think: "Man, I miss making YouTube videos. I really should start that up again"

See a post on Facebook (or an Ad) for Graduate Schools:
I think: "I need to research Media Studies programs and figure out which school I want to attend!"

Remembers about all the stuff I could sell online that is sitting in my room:
I think: "Oh yea, I need to track ebay and see what I could get for these things"

These thoughts literally just occurred to me in the last 30 minutes and I'm pretty sure I'm losing my mind because of them. It's all so much to think about on top of actually working (crazy thought, right?) and thinking about my friends, my family, eating food, breathing....you get the idea. People wonder why I can't remember things as well as I used to and all I can say in response is: See Above.

It's this cycle of thinking that creates a barrier between knowing what I want to pursue and actually pursuing them. It's hard to focus on one thing when there are so many things that might work for me. It might be good to consider writing more seriously. It might be good to go back to school for Media Studies. It might be good to make more videos and pursue YouTube more seriously. But how do I do them all? Am I supposed to pick just one? I mean, if that's the answer then I'll figure it out; But as many times as I ask the question, I have yet to receive an answer.

What questions are you asking that you don't feel are getting answered? Maybe we aren't asking the right questions? Let me know in the comments below!

Letter to my Brother

Today my brother turns 24 years old and I would like to write him a (very public) letter of celebration on his big day!

Josh: You are probably still sleeping (living the Scripty life!) but I want to wish you a very happy 24th birthday. You have had a crazy year and I wanted to remind you of all you've accomplished and experienced this year.

You moved to LA and made the dream a reality by finally leaving Thousand Oaks. You met with a bunch of people who have helped to guide and motivate you towards working on being a Script Supervisor full-time. You might not believe it, but you are a very motivated person and I'm constantly impressed by the effort you put into finding work, building your resume, and networking.

You are one of the funniest people that I know. Sometimes the way you tell a joke (that you heard from a comedian) is WAY funnier that how the comedian said it!

You got to work with Matt LeBlanc AND Samuel Larson ;) You are big time now. I'll have my people call Spielberg's people, so they can confirm with your people and we'll set something up.

You are a gentleman and such a good man. I am proud to say you're my brother when I think about how you view and treat women. It is SO rare to find a guy who values and respects women the way that you do. Never lose that.

Although I am constantly reminding you that success doesn't come right away for everyone (Jon Hamm, Oprah) you do inspire me to work harder to achieve my own goals/dreams simply because you are doing it for yourself and you are making a living in the industry that you love. I don't know too many people who can say that about their own lives.

I love you immensely and I can't wait to see where life takes you in your 24th year. I'm glad I get to watch it all happen for someone so deserving of all the good life has to offer. I'm so utterly proud to call you my brother.

Love you 'lil brudder.

Ever since I first saw this picture online I've wanted to do a blog update using it as the prompt. So I'm going to make it a regular  part of my blog updates. It's helpful to reflect and do a self-check every-so-often.

I was... depressed for much of the last year. It's an odd feeling because I still think those fears and self-doubts are existing within me, but I feel much more hopeful than I did at my deepest/darkest point. Hope has been a key aspect of regaining myself and seeing light in the world.

I am...very happy to be living in Culver. It's been something that I've wanted for a long time and now that its become real I'm ecstatic!! It's a cool place with a lot to explore. Everything I imagined (so far) it would be.

I think... that I'm going to research grad schools again. I can't get the thought out of my head, so I might as well see what is out there (other than the school that shall not be named...because it's evil).

I wonder... how different life will look in 1 year. What about 5 years? Where will I be? Who will I be friends with? Will I be single? Who will have a few kids by then?

I wish... that TV characters were real. Need I explain further?

I save... my old Nsync pictures/memorabilia because I literally can't part with them. They are part of my childhood and adolescence.

I always... wake up early on the weekends and I never... wake up on time for work. The struggle is real.

I can't imagine... moving to another country. I have so many friends that have done just that and it's hard for me to picture myself doing it. There aren't too many places that I would even want to live outside of the U.S. but there are a few (Amsterdam & maybe London). Who knows? Maybe I'll join my buddies and become an international resident. ;)

I believe... very little of what people say to me. It's a problem really. Defense mechanism for sure, but it's gotten me into more trouble than it has "protected me" from people.

I promise... to not give up. As much as I am tempted to (in basically all aspects of life) I will continue to fight and keep going.

I love... writing. Thanks for reading my thoughts on my little space of the internet. <3

I'll Be There For You...

Raise your hand if you grew up believing your best friends would look like the cast photo above.

*Raises both hands* 

I wonder how many of us would keep those hands raised when asked if those beliefs actually became reality? 

[Warning: No answers to life's tough questions can be found in this post. Simply this girl's thoughts and feelings]

Friendship is a hard thing. It's a relationship that takes work, trust, honesty, and communication. Some friendships last forever and some only for a season. Personally I tend to be a hard friend for people to keep because I'm constantly doubting the intentions of those around me and that's no place to nurture trust. Oh, I know I have issues! I don't have a lot of experience being a friend. It's a fairly recent experience for me since I didn't have any true friends until college. That's where I finally began hanging out with people. I was invited to dinner and hang outs and began having a social life. People even came to my dorm/apartment simply to chat. It was a completely new experience and I quickly learned that I was NOT good at it. I kept asking myself, "Why do they keep coming over?" or "What do they want?" but the answer was simply to spend time with me. I was baffled. 

After 4 years of hands on "friend training" I felt pretty comfortable in myfriendships. I was confident in my communication and conflict resolution skills (thanks Intervarsity) and I was actively trying to trust that people liked me (although it's still a struggle). But then I moved away from all my friends who "trained" me and moved into a completely new group of people. On top of all that, I moved to the inner city of South Los Angeles where everything was unfamiliar. Those were the hardest years for me on a multitude of levels. I lost all my confidence and even some of my friends. What little trust in people that I had gained in college, was lost. Some of my biggest regrets come from that time in my life. 

That post-college time period is when your friendships are put to the test. Will they withstand a drastic change in distance, passions, and energy levels? Let's be real, we're all tired during the transition into full-time work. It's a lot more draining that most of us admit. We no longer have a few hours in between classes to catch up on life. We rarely have time to cry, laugh, or even eat together. Some of our friendships dwindle and eventually die out simply due to malnutrition. If we don't feed and nurture our friendships, they die. Thankfully, I have a few that stuck it out and are still my friends today. Even through those dark, post college years...they remained my friends.

Now, however, I find myself with a stronger confidence but lack of friendship.  In an attempt to protect myself, I put up barriers. Told myself that I can no longer continue to give away parts of myself to people who don't deserve it. The sad outcome of this defense is not having any friends. *Dramatic pause * Obviously I still have some friends, but still feel very lonely. Many if my friends have moved to foreign countries or have begun their own lives separate of mine. It's a lonely place trying to find friends these days. 

I've had (and continue to have) close friends and we've had deep conversations about life, love, and everything in between. But I hesitate to call them "best" friends because I've had to filter myself with them for various reasons and honestly, how can you call someone your BEST friend and yet not share certain things with them? You can't. Don't get me wrong, I love the small number of friends that I do have. Most of them are International now so that's tough...and I do love each of them dearly, but the search continues for my best friend.

Also, I've come to learn that the older we get, the harder it is to make new friends; how annoying is that? Now that I'm in a place where I know myself better and can be a better friend, I find I am often alone. Those pesky trust issues that I mentioned earlier don't help, but that's besides the point. I've been burned by  people I trusted far too much recently and that has left me feeling disappointed.

To all my friends out there, past and present, I'm sorry if I ever let you down... I've been let down too though. Words don't have a high value in my life because I've seen promises turn to lies far to often to trust what's spoken. I trust actions and intentions. And being my friend means knowing this about me: I don't trust easily; but when I do, it's for life.

I'll say it again: Friendship is hard. But I have to believe that it's worth the struggle if the outcome is deep and meaningful relationships. That's what makes life worth it, right? So I continue to fight for the friends I still have (the ones worth fighting for anyways) and disengage with those who have hurt me. Friendship isn't always pretty, but if done well, it's a thing of beauty.


"Love is blind. Friendship tries not to notice" -Unknown

Knowing Next Moves

I've been at my job 5 years now.

Whew.

When did THAT happen? It feels like just yesterday that I was hired full-time and so flipping relieved to have employment and a regular paycheck. In fact, I remember running into someone from high school during my lunch break one day (she was a transfer student and therefore hadn't graduated yet) and she judged me SO HARD for not doing what I  "went to school for". I remember thinking she was so naive (having not graduated herself and still in the mindset that she would for sure use her degree). I also remember feeling so relieved to have found full-time work that I didn't even consider WHAT I was doing. I had loans to pay off, rent to pay, groceries to buy, and life to live! While her comment did irk me a little, I didn't allow it to fester...until now.

When thinking about what to write for this post, I remembered that interaction; and feelings of jealousy, angst, anger, and bitter disappointment came rushing to my heart. I never imagined that my life would look anything like it does now. While I was never a big "dreamer" I never thought I would be "that girl". You all know her. You might even be her (or him). She's the girl that loved her major and assumed she would work in the field she studied in college... but life happened... and now she's an office worker. She's stuck behind the cubicle and hates it. It's a common trope now in many stories we see in TV, movies, and books. The character that works a shitty job but dreams of more (See: Secret Life of Walter Mitty, Office Space, etc.)

It's hard for me to write this post because I don't have any answers. Sure, the easy answer is: Find new employment. But there's so much packed into that statement that would need to unpack before I even begin to search elsewhere...

I'm stuck asking questions like, "What is my calling?" or "What do I want my life to look like in 5 years?" The most depressing part of answering those questions is that I don't have an answer. I don't even have a lofty, pie-in-the-sky type of answer. How does one figure out their calling? How do you just know what you're meant to do? And on the less fun, more practical side of things: who says you are meant to even have a "dream job"? I mean, someone has to be the customer service person who gets yelled at for bullshit things like entitlement and listening to rich people problems, right? Who decides which of us gets the dream job and which gets yelled at on the regular?

There's also the issue of living in America vs. any other country. We have this idea that we buy into called "The American Dream". We are told, especially my generation, that you should reach for your dreams and not to settle for any thing. But can everyone really be a pop star, model, dancer, etc.? Can we all become exactly what we thought we wanted when we were 5 years old? Reality is, no we can't.  Most of us will be in cubicles and I assume only a small percentage of us will be happy about it. It's the job that everyone mocks or uses as their example of a "bad job" and yet so many offices around the world are filled with cubicle employees.

Welcome to my brain! These are the conversations that I'm constantly having with myself and talking myself in circles. It's exhausting and extremely depressing. How do you actually change your entire life? How do you actually decide to take the leap and alter the entire direction of your life?

If anyone has answers or thoughts, I need to hear them below. Comment, email, anything! I need some motivation and guidance here people!

To: My Mom

I saw another blogger do this for her kids on their birthday and wanted to copy it! I don't have kids but I do have someone that I'd like to write to: My Mom. 

Mom, today is your ___(age removed for security purposes...) BIRTHDAY !! You've survived so many hardships and overcome each and every one, only to become a stronger woman in the end. I'm so proud and honored to call you my mom. 

This last year you got a promotion at work and got to celebrate overcoming that challenge that you hadn't previously thought you could! It's really great to watch you enjoy your work and grow with each new challenge you're thrown. 

You started cooking and baking more often and I can really see how happy those things make you. You even made tortillas from scratch... and they were delicious. I love seeing the joy and passion in your eyes as you cook for others. Everyone knows you're the best cook in town :) 

Later this year we will explore Vancouver for a little vacation (and happen upon a Supernatural convention) but I can't wait to see it all with you! It's gonna be awesome :) 

This was a rough year for me and you're the only person would got me through it. No one else was there for me like you were. Being able to escape to your house, sleep, rest, and feel as loved as you make me feel was exactly what I needed. Thank you for always being on my side. 

There are a million more things that I  could mention, but all I will say is this: You are an amazing mother and I'm so glad to have you in my life. 

Here's to another year of life's challenges and discoveries! 

Happy Birthday! I love you to the moon and back <3 

Falling Behind in Life

We interrupt our normal blogging schedule to bring you these thoughts. Below is a conversation I may (or may not) have had with God.

You know what, you're timing is tough to understand. Sometimes you send things/lessons at the perfect moment (and it's glorious) and other times it feels like you're dragging your feet on every....little....thing. Lately (meaning the last 3-4 years of my life) I have been feeling left behind in the grand scheme of life. I've blamed you most of the time actually. I've questioned my future and my value in this world because I haven't experienced things that people my age would have back in their teens! And as the years continue to pass, more and more friends have found relationships, gotten married, gained degrees, worked on having "careers", and attained what I call "Adult Status". They may not feel as though they are adults, but in my mind they are.

And then there's me.

Same job. No romantic prospects. No career path. . . .

But then, on a day like today, you send me this article: No You're Not Falling Behind in Life (Relevant Mag).

And it reminds me that I'm my own person and shouldn't compare my life to others. And while our relationship isn't all that great (sorry for the lack of prayers and not attending church and all...) I'm still on your side and hope that you are still on mine. 

The Purge: Brotherhood for the Winchesters

This may be hard to explain to all my non-Supernatural friends so I wanted to start of by saying that the following post is actually a submission to write for a Supernatural fansite. If you have NO idea what I'm talking about please just disregard this post. Also spoiler alert for those wanting to catch up on recent episodes! I'm hoping to do more freelance writing online for various sites, but I also wanted to share my thoughts in a timely manner. So I'm posting the article here too. The following is a post about my thoughts and theories on brotherhood and being a winchester as observed from this week's episode titled, "The Purge".

“The Purge” 

Tuesday’s episode was gut-wrenching to say the least. Watching how cold the brother’s interactions were and how painfully obvious it was that Dean wasn't taking it so well was hard for this fangirl to watch. When we first see them talk it’s involving a new case Dean has found after a sleepless night. Sam checks in with Dean to make sure he’s really okay with what they discussed during last week’s episode (being hunters and not brothers…) Dean plays it off as if it’s nothing all while holding his drink of choice Whiskey. We’re made to believe that this is taking place in the morning with coffee, cereal, and Sam asking about Dean’s sleep so it’s that much more obvious that contrary to what he says, Dean is drinking his breakfast and therefore not doing well emotionally. As we've seen in previous seasons, drinking is how Dean copes with depression and loss. We are already off to an emotionally rocky start. Honestly, seeing Sam be so matter-of-fact and seemingly unaware of Dean’s drinking reminds me of “soulless Sam” of seasons past. Does he notice the glass of whiskey and non-sleep his “co-hunter” is getting? Sure he’s your brother but as you clearly stated before, that can no longer be taken into account when they work together. But wouldn't you want your co-hunter to protect you and be on their best game? Even using your heartless logic Sam this doesn’t lead to a healthy (working) relationship.

Side Note: The scene with Dean and his donut at the police station was one of my highlight, especially in such a somber episode. One of the only times we saw Dean in a “happy place” was when he was enjoying his deep fried treat. ..Classic Dean Moment.

Next we see them interview for the trainers positions at the Wellness Spa in order to go undercover and find this week’s monster. I found this interesting because they told the interviewers that they were brothers when they really didn't have to. They've gone undercover before without being “brothers” correct? (Tell me if I’m wrong). I might be hypersensitive to the word “brothers” when used by either Winchester but nonetheless it stood out in my mind. As I was watching it a second time, I got the feeling that maybe Dean is “overselling” the idea as a means to hide his true feelings. Outside of this scene (and the amazing donut experience we witnessed earlier) we only saw him somber, drinking, and relatively low energy. Dean feels the need to make them believe they are brothers while Sam feels he must convince them that they are passionate about people’s health. Perfect symbolism for how the brothers engage with their current issue (being brothers vs. saving people). Being brothers has always been on Dean’s top priority, while saving others and hunting evil has been Sam’s main motivation. Also interesting how Sam words their “passion for fitness and helping people” in comparison to “saving people, hunting things” family motto.

For me, the next big brother moment is when Dean is “drugged” after sampling some of the pudding served to the clients before there fat is “sucked” away. His call for help to Sam, whom he affectionately calls “Sammy”, spoke volumes into where his mind goes when uninhibited. He calls for help from his little brother because he knows Sammy will come through. He utters what will forever be known as the safe word for fans and fangirls alike, “Sweet Potatoes”. It’s enough detail for Sam to know where to look at least!

Now that they know the clients are being drugged and sucked (not in the good way as Dean might add) their next move is to question the Sheriff from the beginning of the episode who is seen by Sam attending the Wellness program. She brings up an interesting detail that I only noticed upon my second viewing. She mentions her husband leaving her because she loved cookie-dough milkshakes more than she loved him. Although a bit of a reach, I did enjoy the watching the sheriff talk about her own family issues juxtaposed with the Winchesters and their current family discussion of love and how much value each place on those relationships.

The next brother moment came when Sam was in danger as they boys searched the basement for Alonso,who turns out to be the monster that brought the Winchesters there in the first place. Of course he turned the lights out so he could go on a fat-sicking spree and leave our boys with nothing but flashlights to see. Sam gets pinned down by Alonso until Dean shows up and cuts off the…tongue? Head? Whatever it is, once it was gone so was the monster. In any other episode this might have just been a plot point, but in this episode it feels much more than that…especially when Dean brings it up during their heartbreaking chat at the end of the episode, but I’ll discuss that later.

The scene when they discuss killing the sister feeling significant in giving insight into Sam’s frame of reference. The writers actually have him say “I still have a heart” which brings me back to my “soulless Sam” comment earlier. Yes Sam wants to be strictly business but only when it comes to Dean. He is not soulless and does feel for the nice monsters they encounter. He always has and he always will. My issue with Sam’s question to Dean about deserving to die when possessed by Gadreel is that he is using what he knows to be Dean’s soft-spot against him when Dean is trying to follow the rules he believed Sam set in the previous conversation. Dean wants to keep it “strictly business” and not think about emotional attachments to anyone! No friendly monsters, no friends, and definitely not Sam. While he couldn't never pull that off, he is gonna give it his all (as we've seen clearly throughout this episode.) Now we have Sam asking him to tap into those emotions he has for Sam to defend this week’s monster that did not harm anyone and is only guilty by association (and being a monster…but I digress).

Now to discuss the final chat the boys have back in the bunker. As we learned last week, these chats can be cold and often break millions of fangirl hearts. I watched with baited breath to see what Dean had to say. With a glass of whiskey in his hand Dean decides to give his two-cents on the terms Sam laid out should they continue to hunt together. This conversation clearly (and gut-wrenchingly) represents just how differently the boys view their jobs as hunters, family, and the value of each others lives. Dean starts off by saying that he may not think before he acts but that his actions are always aligned with what he felt to be the right thing. Sam’s response, while painful to hear, is that Dean’s meter of measuring good and bad is skewed when it comes to Sam. Dean would allow others to die if it meant Sam gets to live and that’s not something Sam wants anymore. I have to confess that I was in tears when I heard Sam reply to Dean’s hypothetical switch-situation so matter-of-factly. Sam says, “No Dean. I wouldn't (save you)” and my heart sank farther than I thought possible. Thinking how Dean heard those words and how painful to feel his reality that his own brother would let him die, and hearing Sam acknowledge that he would let this happen was excruciating.  I’m having a hard time expressing the differences here, but this tumblr post I read ellquently says what I’m having trouble saying: http://lovedsam.tumblr.com/post/75679159492/if-you-love-someone-let-them-go-yeah-really

They view their roles as family and as hunters differently. This conversation along with many others we've seen them have in the past, illustrates these differences all too well. Sam was ready to die for the cause and complete the trials to rid the world of so much evil and suffering at the hands of angels and demons alike. But Dean wasn't ready to let him go and I don’t think Dean will ever be ready for the day when Sam isn't alive. It’s a reality everyone has to deal with when they love someone (mother, brother, sister, etc.) Although it hurt to hear it, Sam needed to say that Dean saved him for selfish reasons. Had it been any other hunter in Sam’s place he would have allowed it, or so I assume.

In Sam’s defense, many things in his life have been decided for him and that’s not something he’s gonna tolerate anymore, especially not from Dean. But he said this in such a cold and uncaring way. After only 2 weeks of being apart it’s understandable that Sam is hurt and angry with Dean for what he did. I don’t hold that against him. But it’s also true that he said some pretty hurtful things about Dean that will have a ripple affect throughout the remainder of the season. Dean is lonely now but he would have been painfully alone if he had allowed Sam to continue the trials and die. I don’t believe Dean’s only motivation was saving Sam for selfish reasons. He has given his entire life to keeping Sam safe and that is not something that Dean will easily let go of regardless of the cause (as mentioned in the tumblr post linked above). I believe Dean was unaware of Sam’s feelings and honestly believed this is what Sam would do for him should their roles be switched and that made it the right thing to do.

Both Winchesters are acting in ways they believe to be the right, the hard part is they view right and wrong, good and evil, family and hunter very differently.

Needless to say, this was a fantastically executed episode with brilliant acting from both Jensen and Jared along with great movement in the brother storyline. While many fangirls are sad (and I am definitely one of them believe me) I still feel this was a necessary part of their story. I have waited a long time for them to be this honest and vulnerable with one another about this issue. While it hurt like hell, it was a move in the right direction. I have faith in the writers and crew to know how to bring our favorite brothers together again. They just have a longer road to travel than they have done in previous seasons. The road may be longer, but honesty will help properly build trust and make the outcome of this journey that much sweeter. 

The End

Newest Obsession: Breaking Bad

I know I'm many months (and tweets) behind the times on this one, but I just finished the series finale of AMC's Breaking Bad and I have some thoughts that I wanted to share. If you have yet to watch the show and/or you wish to avoid *SPOILERS* please stop reading here. Come back after you've watched it all and let's chat! But until then...

January 1st, 2014...

...was a new day!

I'm rusty on my blog writing skills. I figure I needed a warm up sentence to get the juices flowing since my last post was nearly 2 months ago :)

So, I'm not usually the type of person who thinks, "Oh yeah!!! I'm gonna OWN this year. 2014 is MY time to shine" with the new year. In fact, I can tell you that I've never had those thoughts run through my head.

This year, however, does feel different than previous years. Particularly compared to 2013. Whew, that year kicked my ass and I'm still licking my wounds. Most of my friends know that I'm not good with change and 2013 was filled with major life changes that made the last part of the year an intense uphill battle. Everything felt harder and heavier. Getting to work became a daily struggle. Eating healthy was near impossible after 3 hours commuting on trains and trams every day. Seeing the positives in my life became a challenge. 

These changes are still hard to get through... but it's becoming more manageable with each passing month.

But all of that was so 2013 and I'm so ready for change to be a positive in my life! Thankfully, the start of the year has been one of the best I can remember. My day consisted of:  Sleeping in, praying/writing at Starbucks, returning to the gym, cleaning/organizing my room, and starting Breaking Bad on Netflix. BEST.DAY.EVER. And maybe that makes me a nerd but I couldn't be bothered to care. It was an amazing feeling. I felt hope and excitement for the first time in weeks.

There are still dark days when I can't handle life outside my own head, but thankfully there are also going to be days when life is a little brighter and I can handle the hard stuff more easily.

Here's to new beginnings and a fresh start.