10 Facts

Feeling like I should do a fun post to sort-of introduce myself to any new readers that might be checking out my blog for the first time! And for any longtime readers or family/friends just stopping by, these may be eye-opening NEW facts for you too ;) Plus people really seem to love lists now-a-days (Hello every Buzzfeed article ever)...

In no particular order of importance: 

1. I used to HATE drinking water. Even until I was 19 years old (can't remember exactly when it changed) but now I almost can't get enough of it. I barely drink anything else in the day...and I never thought I'd be this person but here we are. 

2. I love everything that lights up. We are talking Electric Light Parade status of lights. I love all that exists within that parade. Let's just say Disneyland at nighttime is my personal heaven.  

Also: Toys like this

3. I'm Multi-Ethnic (Half Mexican, Half White) and I really struggled with this in college. I still feel the tension of "not fitting in" but thankfully I'm a lot better now than I used to be with being comfortable in my own skin. 

4. My favorite type of songs are angsty breakup songs. I love the angst of it all! Kelly Clarkson's Since U Been Gone! Justin Timberlake's Cry Me A River! No Doubt's Don't Speak! Adele's Someone Like You! Bruno Mars' Natalie.  Ugh...all just so good and those are just the ones that came into my mind.  

5. I've always wanted a surprise birthday party. But sadly never had one. *hint hint * 

6. I'm (soon to be) 28 years old. And still living the single life. Party on Garth.

7. I absolutely LOVE talking about media and television. I love watching TV and then discussing the episodes/stories/seasons with friends. I hope to one day have a job where I get to analyze and discuss TV and actually get paid for it! 

8. My all-time favorite show is Supernatural. I never used to have a favorite show because there was always something holding me back from committing to it (see this post for more details) but now that I've seen the glory that is Supernatural, I know nothing will compare. Hands down best show that I recommend everyone watch. 

 

 9. I'm frighteningly good at arguing/defending myself in conversations. It's part of my job but I think it's also part of my DNA. I get it from my dad.

10. I don't like sweet & salty things eaten together. I know, this one feels anticlimactic for me too as the last fact. But seriously! I don't like the taste of salted caramel/chocolate or any other combo. I like sweet and I like salty just as long as they aren't together.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this silly little update from yours truly...

Now it's YOUR turn! In the comments below let me know a fun fact about you!

When Doctors Attack

Feeling violated by a doctor is never good.

I recently visited my doctor for a yearly checkup to make sure everything is in the right place and working as it should, you know being an adult and all. My normal doctor was out on maternity leave so I settled for another doctor because I didn't want to put this off any longer. There are a few issues that I've needed to have addressed by a doctor so I went ahead and made the appointment.

The day of the appointment came and I was feeling pretty good and excited to see what the doctor would have to say.

I walked in and agreed to a few procedures that I had been avoiding, and walked into the exam room. The nurse told me the doctor would be in soon...she said that he would be right in. HE. I specifically asked for a female doctor. I turned towards her as she was about to walk out and stopped her by asking, "Wait...it's a guy?"  YES. This was the beginning of the quick downward fall of this horrible doctors visit.

After several extremely anxious minutes, he walked in and greeted me semi-coldly, as I sat in my gown completely vulnerable. He was pleasant enough, but he moved very quickly to rush me through the procedures and not listening to what I had to say about a single thing. While this upsets me now, at the time, I felt powerless and simply allowed it to happen. The exam was uncomfortable and awkward enough and I basically went inside myself to hide. I didn't have any thoughts or words come to mind that I could say to him about how horrible he was treating me. He was doing something very personal and yet he gave me no warning and insisted on talking about the weight loss options Kaiser offers compared to surgery as he is completing the exam. No. Don't do this. I'm fine with being touched because you are a doctor and there is a nurse in the room to oversee what you are doing. But I would appreciate you telling me what the hell you are doing instead of discussing the weight loss shakes or classes as you touch my chest and other areas.

I did tear up after it was over and he asked if I was alright. I told him I was embarrassed (which I regret saying) and he casually said what I never want to hear a doctor say to any patient ever again: "It's okay. I'm a doctor". This in NO WAY makes it alright for you to treat a patient so robotically and emotionless. Don't get me wrong, I've seen enough Grey's Anatomy episodes to know that doctors do need to guard their own hearts against all of the ugliness in their job (illness, death, etc.) but this was an exam that needed some sympathy and less mechanics.

I'm much better now than I was as I walked out of the exam room. I felt the need to share this completely personal post to anyone reading my blog because I want you to know what I didn't at the time. Stand up for yourself. Speak up and request what you are going to need in order to be comfortable and feel okay about the situation. What that doctor did wasn't professional and he made me feel violated. Don't let this happen to you. My mom gave me some advice that I'm going to offer you now: If you aren't comfortable... tell someone and change it. Make a different appointment, request a new doctor, speak up!

Our words have value and we are worth the extra time/staff that it takes to give us a proper visit with our health care providers.

Falling Behind in Life

We interrupt our normal blogging schedule to bring you these thoughts. Below is a conversation I may (or may not) have had with God.

You know what, you're timing is tough to understand. Sometimes you send things/lessons at the perfect moment (and it's glorious) and other times it feels like you're dragging your feet on every....little....thing. Lately (meaning the last 3-4 years of my life) I have been feeling left behind in the grand scheme of life. I've blamed you most of the time actually. I've questioned my future and my value in this world because I haven't experienced things that people my age would have back in their teens! And as the years continue to pass, more and more friends have found relationships, gotten married, gained degrees, worked on having "careers", and attained what I call "Adult Status". They may not feel as though they are adults, but in my mind they are.

And then there's me.

Same job. No romantic prospects. No career path. . . .

But then, on a day like today, you send me this article: No You're Not Falling Behind in Life (Relevant Mag).

And it reminds me that I'm my own person and shouldn't compare my life to others. And while our relationship isn't all that great (sorry for the lack of prayers and not attending church and all...) I'm still on your side and hope that you are still on mine. 

January 1st, 2014...

...was a new day!

I'm rusty on my blog writing skills. I figure I needed a warm up sentence to get the juices flowing since my last post was nearly 2 months ago :)

So, I'm not usually the type of person who thinks, "Oh yeah!!! I'm gonna OWN this year. 2014 is MY time to shine" with the new year. In fact, I can tell you that I've never had those thoughts run through my head.

This year, however, does feel different than previous years. Particularly compared to 2013. Whew, that year kicked my ass and I'm still licking my wounds. Most of my friends know that I'm not good with change and 2013 was filled with major life changes that made the last part of the year an intense uphill battle. Everything felt harder and heavier. Getting to work became a daily struggle. Eating healthy was near impossible after 3 hours commuting on trains and trams every day. Seeing the positives in my life became a challenge. 

These changes are still hard to get through... but it's becoming more manageable with each passing month.

But all of that was so 2013 and I'm so ready for change to be a positive in my life! Thankfully, the start of the year has been one of the best I can remember. My day consisted of:  Sleeping in, praying/writing at Starbucks, returning to the gym, cleaning/organizing my room, and starting Breaking Bad on Netflix. BEST.DAY.EVER. And maybe that makes me a nerd but I couldn't be bothered to care. It was an amazing feeling. I felt hope and excitement for the first time in weeks.

There are still dark days when I can't handle life outside my own head, but thankfully there are also going to be days when life is a little brighter and I can handle the hard stuff more easily.

Here's to new beginnings and a fresh start. 

A Sunken Place

Depression wears a lot of masks.

It looks like people.
It looks like no one.

It sounds like tear drops.
It sounds like silence.

It feels like isolation.
It feels like standing in a crowded room.

It is one thing.
It is all things smashed together.
It is a mosaic.
Each tile for each day.
Each color depicting the vast landscape of highs and lows.
Depression is laughter in the midst of tears.

It feels like inadequacy.
It feels like losing hope.

It sounds like self-reflection.
It sounds like seeking help.

Depression looks like people.
Depression looks like me.

Depression wears a lot of masks.

Brave Enough to Fail

Failure is NEVER an option.

Except when it is.

And let's be honest; sometimes it's the ONLY option. It's part of life and I hate that this is true, but it is. One of life's hardest lessons has been learning that failure is not the worst that can happen. Obviously situations can change and failure might be pretty horrible depending on the circumstances...but I'm not starring in this summer action movie and the world does not depend on my next move being perfectly perfect!

I've devoted a lot of energy and time to being as perfect as possible and it hasn't gotten me very far. Sure I got good grades in high school and working hard in college helped me basically "fall into" graduating with a double major in two subjects I absolutely love. But all of that was done in the safety and comfort of never failing. I'm proud of these accomplishments, but I also regret not doing a lot of other things (Like Spring in New York through NYU or looking for better TV/Film internships, etc.)

The fear of failure has given me some awesome gifts in my life but it's also held me back from truly experiencing life to it's fullest. I'm the type of person who always followed the rules and parents/adults always praised me for it. But I don't have stories to tell of my childhood from when I was grounded or busted. I don't have any experiences of breaking rules or doing something "bad" to share with anyone. I don't have that story about one truly awesome night when I tried to do that one thing, failed miserably and became a better person because of it. I just was. I just am. Continuously. Over and over again.

That's OK for the past me. I don't think I was ready to be risky or put myself out there when I was 13, 16, or even 21 for that matter.

But I am now.

My YouTube channel is something that I love and yet constantly doubt. Each moment I'm recording, I ask myself, "Is this even funny? Or is this pointless?" And I consider giving up. I can't keep up with my original schedule for weekly videos and that feels like failure. I'm tempted to just stop and start again when my life is interesting or when I have a "point" to my videos. BUT NO! I must continue if I want to get better. I also must remember that everyone has a start/beginning and can only get better from there. I won't be able to make hilarious videos like Wheezy Waiter...not yet anyways. I'm not The Vlogbrothers and that's ok because I'm Erika. Specifically, I'm Erika26Blog :)

There is another element in my life that I'm constantly questioning and that's going back to school. I've been studying for the GRE and honestly felt so intimidated and so much self-doubt that I almost gave up. The test cost $175 and what if I fail? Or what if I apply for grad school and don't get in?

Answer: I figure out what to do next. I try again next year? I open up my options to other schools or opportunities? I'd have so many regrets if I don't at least TRY to get in and have the life that (right now) sounds like the best plan for me. Being a flexible professor, possibly a producer, and creator sounds like a bomb resume to me! I'd love to teach classes on media critical studies, then head to set, or development meeting! Maybe I'm naive and maybe this dream isn't possible. But who am I to stop before I even try?

Failure is definitely possible in all of the things I'm attempting this year. But I'm no longer afraid. And I'm not going to stop until I succeed and get everything I ever wanted...or fail and find another way.

Hey you, reading this blog post, Don't Forget To Be Awesome (even if it's an awesome fail). *repeat*

New Project!

My previous post (linked here) hinted at this new project that I was considering working on this year.

Well (I'm kinda shaking as I write this...) I did it. Actually, I'm doing it. Yep. I'm starting a semi-weekly Vlog on Youtube. The link, you ask? Oh. Here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLbAK5yDSS8&feature=plcp

So you may be asking yourself,  "Why Erika?! Why?" and to that I reply WHY NOT?!

I used to think that YouTube was for silly videos, music, and Starkid shows. But I've seen YouTube be so much more than that! There are people doing amazing music covers as well as creating their own music and distributing it to fans, creating original characters and content, or using the YouTube platform to engage and educate viewers.

There is also a negative side to joining YouTube. The haters. And I've thought about them, watched over 1,000 videos of people who also get their hate mail, and seen that with a tough outer shell the haters can just step aside. I'm sure this will be one of the more challenging aspects to this experiment. I'm ready to see how I respond and how I'll move forward/past it. That's honestly what this whole thing is about to some degree. I want to challenge myself to be vulnerable on what can be a very public level. I want to learn more about myself and the world I interact with/live in. I want to experience new things, meet new people, and make my 26th year unlike any other year I've lived before. These are high hopes and even higher expectations. I realize that there's a potential for major letdowns. While I'm not hoping for these things to fail or my heart to be broken, I can't continue to live my life in the "what if" of it all. I've done that before and it's not really working out for me anymore. So I'm trying something new...

With all that being said, Here's my first video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLbAK5yDSS8&feature=plcp

I've made 2 additional videos since and I'm hoping to pick a day of the week to upload a new video. For now I'm thinking Mondays.

And if you're so inclined (AND if you have a YouTube account) you can subscribe to watch the new stuff that comes out! Also...give me ideas for things that you would like me to do, discuss, or what have you.

I'm down for a challenge.

Nerdfighters!

[UPDATED] Hello internets. It's been a while. I've been busy, I'm sure you've been busy....

Moving on.

I've been watching  A LOT of YouTube stuff lately and it's got me thinking. What makes someone popular on YouTube? I recently began watching (from the beginning way back in 2007) a blog by two brothers who started it as an experiment and now it's an entire community/movement! How does that happen?

They are Hank & John Green (known on YouTube as the VlogBrothers).

They began with a simple experiment. No textual communication for an entire year. They could only interact through phone calls, in person (which was rare), or through YouTube videos. They also gave themselves the challenge of posting one video a day (each brother on every other day). Now they have grown into YouTube celebrities with side projects, music companies, and numerous fans which are lovingly called Nerdfighters. Yes...I am indeed a Nerdfighter. Watch the video and let me know if you have any questions :)

What can I say about these two?? Not much unless you watch some of their videos. Admittedly I am only on the 2009 videos (that Nerdfighter one kinda skipped ahead, but I'll let that slide for informational purposes). That means that I have 2 1/2 ish more years of videos before I'm all caught up.  So I haven't seen all their videos, but I'm working on it and with each new video, I find myself more inspired to try something new. I'm working out all the details and logistics, but I'll be sure to let you know as soon as I know.

What I do know is that I want this upcoming year to be new, challenging,  and most of all...awesome. The Vlogbrothers have inspired me to do what I can to make it just that.

DFTBA.

Vague is Vague, Good is Good

This will be one of my more vague posts, and for that I do apologize. I would want to share more, but there's still stuff needing time to process and develop before that is possible.

If you've read my blog before, you most likely know that change and I are not friends. Even good changes in my life can be hard for me to accept. Recently, I've been able to experience something new (and exciting) but I can feel myself begin putting up the walls and guard myself in fear of the unknown.

The path that I'm walking is completely new territory. It's something I've thought about for a long time and something I want eventually, but that doesn't replace the fear and insecurities. I can't believe I'm going to write this, but I honestly thought my insecurities would lessen once this happened to me. Not true! In fact, they are shoved even more in my face due to this. I find myself battling in my head against the lies that I've believed for so long about myself. Unfortunately, new ones have also crept up and must be dealt with accordingly (prayer, conversations, friends, etc).

I continue to try and see God in the midst of this new experience.

Thankfully I see Him, but it's hard to keep focus. I'm easily distracted and forget just how central He is in all of this. This is a good gift to me from God, no matter what happens. And that is what I must always remember. It's also important to remember that God's gifts vary and cannot be limited to any one dream or aspiration you have! If this wasn't happening in my life, there would be other good gifts that I would have to celebrate. I don't want anyone to think that God is only good when his gifts look like this (or that...or whatever it is you want in life). He is not limited to our hopes and dreams for ourselves. He wants to give us even better than we imagine. I'm really starting to believe this and see it in my own life!

Thanks for being patient and reading my semi-vague post.

I'll keep you posted ;)

OK, let me explain...

So I know that most of you have seen my Facebook page recently and have seen my new favorite actor/singer all over the place. I also know that some have commented on my "obsession" with said person. So I wanted to take the opportunity to talk about this in more detail here, on my blog. You've been warned...

The Fearful Onion & Arthur

I guess I'm in a vulnerable state these days. When I originally began writing this I had just seen the movie "Arthur" and I cried through half of the movie. Isn't it a comedy, you ask? And my response would have to be yes...but it spoke into some pretty sensitive issues and struck a nerve somewhere within my heart. I loved it.

Brief summary of the movie: Rich man must marry stranger in order to keep his riches. He meets and falls for another girl who is simple and therefore must decide between true happiness or his wealth. I'll let you finish the rest.

What spoke to me was his relationship with his "nanny" and just how much he wanted real love in his life. He struggles to choose because deep down he knows that he won't be happy unless he marries the person he truly loves. Honestly, I think I'm drawing more from this film than the filmmakers would have intended, but I do think God used this film to speak to me. I had originally set that afternoon for prayer and reflection, but instead I literally slept for 3 hours and then went on to my evening's plans. It's so late, but God still wanted to bring up these issues within my heart, so I'll hope that my super power nap this afternoon will help support sleep once I finally lay down.

How does all of this connect with anything, you ask? Well, I deeply desire real love in my life too. I desire to be known and loved for all the good and bad that exist within me. This has been a deep desire in my heart for many years and yet the ironic or saddest part of this is that over the past couple of years, I have been closing off to others and moving further away from this desire. I was unaware of this happening in my heart until it was recently brought to my attention... and I'm still recovering from the realization this is actually a struggle for me. After I spoke with my pastor and prayed some about issues I had with my church and my cell group (bible study) I realized how fearful I am to share things about my life with others. If I did have something to share, instead of vocalizing them, I would think "This isn't important enough to share" or "This will be too overwhelming and they won't want me to share again, so I shouldn't tell them about this/that/anything".  These are the lies the enemy has planted so deeply in my mind that I hear them as sane thoughts and believe them to be true. This is how the enemy has silenced me for 3 years. This is how I've lost a lot of what I learned back in college (having friends, confidence, boldness, faith).

Each time I stopped myself from sharing, another brick was added to the growing wall that I have been building around myself. I truly believe this wall has been built, brick by brick, for the past 3 years and is a major reason I often feel unknown and invisible. This is one of the deepest and best hidden layers of my fearful onion...(my fear that I don't matter and no one really cares) I find myself alone surrounded by a massive wall and I wonder why no one is with me. Even though it scares me half to death, I must tear down this wall and open myself up once more to those around me. I cannot let the lies of the enemy control me because it's gone on too long. Part of this process is also re-discovering who I am and what I want for my life. Which leads me to explain why I've been taking weird classes or doing things you might not expect me to take. I figure there's no time like the present and I need to put myself out there (even if I look like a fool). So I'm taking classes to see what I'm good at, what gives me energy and creatively sustains me. I'm open to trying pretty much anything and really experience life, rather than hiding in fear!

This is going to be a long and challenging process. As I read over this post, I wonder why I feel comfortable sharing such an intimate and private struggle with such a public blog...but if I don't share here, I might not share at all. This is something that is fundamental in my relationship with Jesus and I need some accountability from anyone willing to push me towards healing (even if I push back at first..don't give up on me)...because otherwise I would disappear behind my securely built wall, and I don't think that's what Jesus has in mind for me. Thanks for letting me be honest and somewhat rambling...it's all a process.

Blessings <3

It's been an odd mixture of light and dark in my life for the past few months. I haven't written because I don't really know where to begin or how to even end. I literally have 4-5 drafts written for the different things that I've wanted to share, but haven't felt like they were really complete thoughts...so drafts they will remain for now.

I've been thinking a lot about myself lately. Not always in the selfish way but not always in the unselfish way either. Here is a brief recap/highlights of my life over the course of the past few months (roughly chronological):

• I had pretty much mentally decided to no longer attend my current church
• I went on a month-long church rotation to find a different church
• I met great people and saw amazing churches in the greater LA area that got me excited about my future and where God may have me go
• I decided to take voice lessons regularly
• I joined an acting class in Westwood on Sunday mornings (for a month)
• I decided that I needed to at least "try" new things and see if I discover talents I never knew I had
• I ended my church rotation 
• Caused by a stern yet gentle correction from my pastor about my expectations and poor communication; basically I didn't give people a chance
• Through this conversation, many deep rooted sins were discovered
• Basically, I'm an onion. A fearful, layered onion. (More in my next post about this)
• I've been trying to allow me to just be me and it's been wonderful/difficult.
• I've believed so many lies about myself that it's hard to distinguish truth and lies in my own head. 
• I've been able to see how I interact with Jesus and the true nature of our relationship, which isn't perfect.  
• I'm discovering that I like who I am, and I don't need to be ashamed of who I am or things I like
• I've started reading Harry Potter (much to the distress of my mom)
• I'm on the 4th book, hoping to be done by July for the last film! 
• I'm going to try to do more things in front of a camera, so be on the lookout for that! (scary but good!)
• Ultimately, I'm going to stay with Redeemer and allow Jesus to heal some of the major brokenness within my soul through the people and relationships He has given me, even when I don't think there are any relationships...He is showing me that isn't true. 

And now, looking toward this new path God seems to be laying before me, I see many more new adventures as well as more development of my character and identity in Jesus. Oh, and I plan to write a song at some point. I've never done that and it seems like the perfect outlet for some self-expression. If it gets recorded, I'll for sure post it for y'all. 

God is doing something big and I look forward to seeing what fruit comes out of this phase of my life. 

Peace and Blessings. 

I spell woman Z-i-z-e-s

OK, I confess that this is another Glee blog post...kind of.

You see, this past week in Glee meant more to me than most, if any, other episodes in the series. Another confession: I've watched "Silly Love Songs" at least 4 times since it aired on Tuesday night (and as I write this it's Friday afternoon). Moving on...

What about this episode made it my favorite episode? Was it the adorable new friendship that seems to have formed between Rachel, Mercedes, and Kurt? While I loved that, it's not the reason. Was it the astonishing developments between Blaine and Kurt? Very close because, OH-MY-GOODNESS I loved that. But that's still not it. Simply stated: Lauren Zizes.

Lauren pictured above from a previous episode.

We have seen this character many times throughout the show (as a Vampire, sneeze attack girl, etc.) and at the end of last season, she became a prime time player (sort of) by joining New Directions only to help them have enough performers to compete for Regionals. Since then, the writers have given her more to work with and some of the best lines in each episode. This past week, she became something that no one on Glee has portrayed before. The character who brings the issue of weight and self-confidence. Yes, Mercedes is a confident character, but she isn't shown or described by her weight like Lauren was in this episode. [Side note: the only episode/storyline that angers me was the "tots" episode with Mercedes..so I don't count her in the weight representative role because it's never been a big part of who she is or how she is seen at McKinley High]. Moving on....

Glee is all about the "outcasts" in high school (Glee members, gay students, minorities, etc.) but until now, we hadn't really seen a story about weight & romance. Lauren is a bigger girl, but that's not the only reason I loved this episode. It's because of the character she portrays.

Typically on TV, we see overweight girls be shy/ not confident OR extremely asexual or unattractive to anyone, even themselves. But Lauren, excellently played by Ashley Fink, hasn't turned out to be either of those. Granted, she has changed over the course of her time on Glee to what we saw on Tuesday... but now we have seen a different side of Lauren. She isn't a desperate girl; she even requires Puck (Mark Salling) to "woo" her with more than just a song.

I love her confidence and her ability to be herself no matter what others may say about her. During the performance that Puck gives Lauren (the unfortunately titled "Fat-Bottom Girls") we see all the other girls looking shocked that Puck would sing anything to Lauren. At first, Lauren looked surprised as well, but later we see that she'll need more than just a song to get her to go on a date and she knows she deserves it. [!?!?]  I can't remember another show that had such a strong female character who was "bigger than the usual bunch" and not self-loathing. She is confident and knows what she wants. It's so refreshing to see a strong, larger woman on such a hit show like Glee.

And that's why I love Lauren and why I now spell woman "Z-I-Z-E-S" (Quote from the episode, which you can view here: http://www.fox.com/glee/full-episodes/). I doubt Ashley will even read this, but if she does, I hope she knows that she's brought a wonderful new outlook to Glee and all of us "bigger" girls out there.

Take 3

OK, I have written about 2 other versions of a blog but haven't posted any of them because I have so much going on inside that I can't properly write it out into words or sentences that anyone would understand. So here's my third try...

Do you ever feel like you have so many thoughts, opinions, and creativity flowing in your mind that it's stuck. I can't believe that I'm going to use a term such as this, but I'm basically feeling Creatively Constipated.

When I started my first blog entry, I wanted to talk about my weight loss journey. The highs and lows, and a recent rejuvenation of my excitement to lose weight for good. But whoa! Talk about personal and intimate blog post. So I thought about it and then saved it as a draft for later.

Then I began another blog post talking about how the past couple of weeks have been (especially with weight watchers). Do you sense a theme?

So here is my attempt to share all the highs and lows without going too far into the personal details that are too sensitive for me to share, yet. 

Weight loss has been on my mind (more or less) for the past two years of my life. When I first began to really work at losing weight two years ago, it was all I could think about. For a few months I was doing really well. Then, I just stopped. I was bitter that everyone around me could talk about (and eat) whatever they wanted and I couldn't. I thought that weight watchers was a chain that held me back from experiencing life like everyone else. I was angry that I had to be different and couldn't "enjoy" life. That dangerous thought literally took me out of the game for a year. I eventually stopped trying to lose weight all together and ate whatever I wanted. At first I felt free; free to experience the things I wanted (particularly in the area of food and hanging out with friends/social eating). You see, I have always used food as a tool to enhance the experiences I have in life. Maybe that doesn't make sense to some people, but let me explain. Let's say I was having a great day. Work went well and I felt really great. I would want to eat out or get dessert at the end of the day to make it that much better. Interestingly enough, I would also use food to make a bad day better. Work might have been stressful and I was feeling terrible. I would then want to eat my "comfort food" (which is greasy fast food) to make it better.

After a year of indulging I finally began to feel the effects these choices had on my body. I was gaining weight back, feeling more depressed, and lacking motivation to do much of anything. When I first began a regular workout routine, I learned that I was actually an active person! I really enjoyed sweating and moving around. But in the year following that I realized I had lost that interest and chose to lay around most of the time. What happened??

Well, I'm writing this blog to ask for your accountability. I finally reached a point where I remembered how much I love working out, dancing, and moving and now I want to get back into a healthy routine of eating healthy and moving around again! All I ask is for your prayers and encouragement to help me keep going. At the moment I'm focused and feeling great, but I know there will be a time when I'm tired and reach a point where it's not all fun and new again. That's exactly when I'll need your encouragement and reminder of the things I write in this blog. Remind me that I love to dance and I feel so much better when I exercise. Remind me that I want to be healthy and live a long life! Remind me that food is never a good replacement for emotions.

Thanks for allowing me to be free to express myself and work at being free to share my creative writing juices. Hopefully some good posts will form soon!

Peace.