Thank you Kaiser

This week marks the end of my Kaiser Depression Care Management. While I am still seeing my MFT (Marriage & Family Therapist) I have been discharged by my depression manager because I have shown significant decrease in my depression symptoms.

You see, each time I saw her we went over 10+ questions to help determine the severity of my depression. These are some of the hardest questions to answer when you're in the thick of it, because it forces you to say outloud what you might want to keep in your head. Questions like: In the past 2 weeks, have you struggled to find 1 thing that you enjoy doing? And the responses vary from "Not at All" (Meaning you've found pleasure in something each day) all the way to "Most Days" (Meaning you could not enjoy even 1 thing for the majority of the past 2 weeks).

When I first began, my answers varied from several days to most days struggling to enjoy activities, feeling isolated/forgotten. I was tired most of the time, was overeating (which is one of the questions they ask), feeling unworthy and forgotten by most people in my life. The biggest hurdle was struggling to make decisions. ANY decision felt extremely overwhelming. Even deciding what to have for dinner would bring me to tears (on my worst days) because I just couldn't choose.

The service that Kaiser provided was almost like a Depression Coach. I would meet with her every 2 weeks and we would talk about things I enjoyed doing. I shared how I loved Zumba when I was doing it but felt that I couldn't physically handle that anymore. She would then provide me with other options, like going for a walk, just to get some physical activity and start there. That's all. She didn't suggest trying Zumba again (until we were months into the process) which was a relief. The entire process was about taking steps, no matter how big or small, to start enjoying life again.

Her motto was "Getting ready... to be ready... to step back into life" and I absolutely loved it. It was an accessible way for someone who couldn't even decide what to eat to commit to walk for 2 days a week. Then 3 days. The biggest goal was getting good sleep. I was sleeping from 6pm-9pm and then up until 1am. Some days I would go to bed at 10pm and wake up at 3am and not be able to go back to sleep until 6am. IT. WAS. MISERABLE. I know sleep is important, but through Kaiser I also learned that it's a key element to my depression and something I must always keep monitored. Bad sleep = slipping into depression (for me personally).

Without going into each and every detail of my recovery, I just wanted to give Kaiser a shout-out for their help and support with my depression. I've learned how to better care for myself both in happy times and in sad times so that I don't slip back down into the depths of depression like I did before. I'm not sure where I would be without my Depression Care Manager (who I will miss talking with. She was AWESOME).

If you have Kaiser and find yourself looking for help, I HIGHLY recommend this service. It's at no additional cost and it quite literally saved my life. Feel free to message me or email me if you have questions. I'd be so happy to help in whatever ways I can as someone who had such a positive experience with this member benefit.

Here's to mental health and giving yourself a fighting chance to overcome the darkness life can bring.

xo

Cartoon Realness & A Request

I know I've written about this a lot on this blog but writing helps and this is my outlet for all things writing. This is yet another post regarding depression and loneliness, both which have had a strong hold over me in the past 2 weeks. 

I have been writing and rewriting this entry so many times that I almost can't keep all the versions separate anymore. My first draft focused on the concept of "best friends" and how much resentment I have against that term and anyone lucky enough to have someone they call their "best" friend. Best. Above the rest. It's all very bothersome to me. But I couldn't flesh out more than just jealous feelings and didn't want to sit in that too long.

So I scrapped it and started reflecting on why I feel invisible/disposable to my friends because it has been a constant theme in my long term depression timeline, but also felt very strongly these past 2 weeks. The image of Jack Frost from the movie "Rise of the Guardians" flashed in my mind and I began to cry. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend you do! Without giving too much of the main story away, I want to explain why Jack Frost made me tear up. You see, he's invisible to children because they don't believe he's real. Now, I don't need children to believe I'm real in order to be seen, but I do understand Jack's pain at being ignored or seen as less than significant than others. In the movie, characters like Santa Claus, the easter bunny, and even the tooth fairy can be seen by those who believe in them. And although they can't see him, Jack still plays with kids and gives them snow days so that at least he can bring them some joy regardless of his invisibility.

"They won't remember me". "I could disappear and no one would notice". This is something I have long believed about myself; So much so that it's honestly difficult to see it as false. It's my reality most of the time. I keep to myself when there is a problem and typically find something to soothe me (food, internet, TV, etc.) instead of asking for help from friends or family. 

So this blog post is my [very public] request for those of you I call friends to check-in every once in a while. I know we're all busy and have schedules and calendars booked from here until Christmas 2020 it seems...but I'm a forgetful person and often forget anyone really cares about me. In fact, my general self-talk tells me that everyone else has a best friend or someone who looks out for them specifically (like a boyfriend or husband) and I don't...therefore I must not be important enough. So I need to be reminded, even with a simple text or email, that I'm visible. I feel very awkward talking about this so publicly and making this request, but I'm going to post it and not listen to all the thoughts in my head telling me this is selfish. 

I'm not entirely sure what to say now. 

I do want you to know that I'm going to continue to try and be better at reaching out to all of you as well. You are important to me and I see you. I know friendship is a two-way street and I hold myself responsible for my end of the deal. 

I'll leave you with this beautiful picture a fan drew that is inspired by the Disney movie "Big Hero 6". We all could use a squishy hug with Baymax, right? If you haven't seen this movie, watch "Rise of the Guardians", and then immediately this one. It's adorable. 

January 1st, 2014...

...was a new day!

I'm rusty on my blog writing skills. I figure I needed a warm up sentence to get the juices flowing since my last post was nearly 2 months ago :)

So, I'm not usually the type of person who thinks, "Oh yeah!!! I'm gonna OWN this year. 2014 is MY time to shine" with the new year. In fact, I can tell you that I've never had those thoughts run through my head.

This year, however, does feel different than previous years. Particularly compared to 2013. Whew, that year kicked my ass and I'm still licking my wounds. Most of my friends know that I'm not good with change and 2013 was filled with major life changes that made the last part of the year an intense uphill battle. Everything felt harder and heavier. Getting to work became a daily struggle. Eating healthy was near impossible after 3 hours commuting on trains and trams every day. Seeing the positives in my life became a challenge. 

These changes are still hard to get through... but it's becoming more manageable with each passing month.

But all of that was so 2013 and I'm so ready for change to be a positive in my life! Thankfully, the start of the year has been one of the best I can remember. My day consisted of:  Sleeping in, praying/writing at Starbucks, returning to the gym, cleaning/organizing my room, and starting Breaking Bad on Netflix. BEST.DAY.EVER. And maybe that makes me a nerd but I couldn't be bothered to care. It was an amazing feeling. I felt hope and excitement for the first time in weeks.

There are still dark days when I can't handle life outside my own head, but thankfully there are also going to be days when life is a little brighter and I can handle the hard stuff more easily.

Here's to new beginnings and a fresh start.