Christmas Episodes!

I usually try to keep my blog about personal thoughts, reflections, or prayer requests. For this particular entry, however, I wanted to share some thoughts on one of my favorite topics: TV. In particular I would like to discuss the recent Christmas episodes of two of my favorite shows, GLEE and Community.

SPOILER ALERT!

If you haven't watched either "A Very Glee Christmas" or "Abed's Uncontrollable Christmas" then I suggest you come back after you have watched these delightful episodes.

First, GLEE. I have had my ups and downs with this show since last year's winter break. I always feel like I am opposite of most others who watch the show. When everyone loves Finn, I can't stand him. When others are annoyed and anxious about Rachel, I love her. I'm not sure how others felt about this episode, but I know I just loved it. I thought the characters were more real to the original characters in season 1 than they have been in recent episodes. I admired Finn for not immediately taking Rachel back as well as for not being bitter or mean towards her. He would have been justified to treat her coldly, yet he chose to try and be positive/civil even though he was so hurt by what she had done. Finn has grown to be a much more mature and even thoughful (who would have known?) person this season. His character has developed into someone of integrity and honesty and that is one of my favorite things about TV...the growth and development of characters.

I loved Kurt and Blaine's duet of "Baby, It's Cold Outside". I love these two together. We have yet to learn Blaine's feelings for Kurt but this episode leaned heavily on the side of possible romance between the two. From what we have seen of Blaine, he seems to be a great model for Kurt to learn how to be comfortable in his own skin. We have seen Kurt be very confident and proud of who he is in previous season 1 episodes, but recently that has slowly been chipping away with the physical bullying and lonliness he has expressed. I'm glad that Blaine has become someone who can build him back up again. I'm very excited to see what develops between the two.

I enjoyed the "feeling" of joy and how the glee club was trying to push past the negative surrounding them, even when life seems to be sucky. There have been times this season when I felt GLEE tried too hard to be "deep" or emotional and all that came across was shallow and empty. This episode, thankfully, was not like that. I felt the characters honestly wanted to hope in something more than the situations they found themselves in. They wanted to save Brittany's reality that Santa existed, even if just one more year. I believed each song they sang and I believed that they were trying to be helpful, if not only for homelessness or orphans, then for each other and the club as a whole. Although, I have missed Mercedes storylines this season (and the tot episode? What was that all about?) but I am hopeful that we'll see more from her when the show returns after the Super Bowl. *Fingers-crossed *

And now, Community , oh how I love thee. I'll be the first to admit that I wasn't sure what this show was about when it premiered last year. Sure it made fun of community college students or the community college "type" but would we watch each week if the same jokes were made? (Some may argue that ratings are pretty low, but that's besides the point). I'm not sure if the writers even knew what they wanted the show to be when it first began. In my opinion, most shows are like plants that need to be planted and grown into the flowers they could be if we gave them a chance, but that's for another blog post.

Towards the end of the first season, I began to sense what this show was. It wanted to make fun of things in pop culture and have it's own take on what's popular but it also has a heart of it's own. The heart lies with these characters that randomly came together for a study group and grew into a family. Did I feel cheesy writing that last line, you bet I did. But it's true, and this Christmas episode highlighted that point perfectly.

Without losing the sarcasm of Jeff or the one-liners from Pierce, we got an episode about family, Christmas, expectations, and meaning.

The entire episode revolves around Abed and his illusion of being clay-mation for a purpose that takes the crew on a journey (and the entire episode) to find. Abed is not an emotional character. It wouldn't make sense for him to deal with the sudden changes in his family (which isn't discovered until close to the end) in any other way but through the movies he knows. Each December 9th, he would watch Rudolph with his mom so why not deal with his pain through the same lense that he would watch the original clay-mation movie? I thought it was brilliant and honest to the character Abed was created to be.

 Each of the "christmas" bodies for everyone were spot-on (except Babydoll Shirley... not sure I get that one yet). Troy Soldier, Britta-bot...awesome. The refence to LOST was superb! I completely agree with the outcome that Christmas (and LOST) really are what you make them to be. If it means something to you then that's exactly what it means. I loved seeing the care and concern they all had for Abed and their willingness to journey with him through his personal wonderland. Very touching and yet still complete with Community wit and edge complete with a remote controlled  pterodactyls.

These episodes remind me of why I love television so much. It can express feelings, ideas, visions, or reflections to such a large number of people and is such a large part of our American culture today. I loved the heart in each of these episodes and the brilliant writing staff that wrote such great and moving stories. These are some of my favorites this season. Now, we break for the winter and new shows return in February!

Thank you for letting me indulge in TV chatter . Merry Christmas everyone!

Luke 1:5-20

At my cell group this week, we had a particularly good study. We are entering into a season of Advent and anticipating Jesus' birth so we studied Zechariah & Elizabeth's story (the beginning anyway) when Zechariah is given word of his wife's pregnancy.

Their story has never "hit-home" for me like it did after Monday night. We thought about what life might have been like prior to this part of their story. What is day-to-day like for a husband and wife who long for a child but cannot have one? The text describes them as "righteous in the sight of God, observing all the Lord's commands and decrees blamelessly" (v.6). Which at first glance, it seems like anyone in the Bible could have that description. But what is so amazing and encouraging about Elizabeth & Zezhariah is that while they desperately wanted something from God (a child) and with each day that passed until this point they did not receive it, they still were righteous and observed the Lord's commands. They were blameless even!

How often have I been angry or hurt by God for things that I want but haven't received? Do I think that I am blameless in the eyes of God? Nope. I definitely wouldn't fit that category.

Bitter maybe...

But this is a story of faith and not bitterness. Elizabeth was probably shunned from certain social activities or just not included because she didn't have children of her own. She was seen as "less than" and even judged. Zechariah had to bear some of that burden when he came home and the social stigma that it had on him as well.  Who knows what their daily conversations/arguments looked like. And yet they were seen by God to be righteous and blameless. Why? Because they must have decided that God is enough. The Lord's commands were worth obeying regardless of what they "got" out of it. Society didn't define their faith in the Lord.  Their own desires or wants in life didn't distract them from knowing the true love of God and the value that held above all.

Yes, I have been a single woman my entire life. Yes! I want to date and eventually be married. Yes, I hope that God will hear my prayers.

No, I will not use this temporary disappointment to define my faith in God. I want to be better than what I have been. I want to be blameless in the eyes of God. I want to find my comfort and peace in God, not in a hope or expectation of a relationship.

At this point I feel I am rambling.

To whoever is reading, thank you. May God show you just how valuable you are.

Reflections..

The holidays bring up both good and bad memories, especially as the new year approaches and we begin to reflect back on the year that is ending and look ahead for the year to come.

Recently my roommates and I were thinking about the past year and all that God has done. While listening to their reflections, I was reminded of the past year I've had with God. It was just about a year ago that I had a "healing prayer" session that began a series of events that led to a dark time in my faith. I felt that God brought up some deep rooted issues during the session and then didn't provide me with the support to follow it up. I felt abandoned and uncared for on all counts. It was one of the most difficult, lonely, and challenging experiences I have had with God and with the people involved. I specifically remember contemplating leaving the faith, doubting my belief in God and questioning His love for me.

The next day was the Thanksgiving Dinner for Church of the Redeemer and I felt like the world around me continued while I was frozen; stuck in a dark and lonely place. I went to the dinner, talked with 1 or 2 people and then I left right before the testimonies began ( because I was in no place to hear testimonies about God).

Christmas came and I felt very sad. I felt as though something was missing from my life but I didn't know what it was or if I wanted it ever again. I went to church and each week I cried. I was sad that I wasn't experiencing God the same way the people around me were. I was sad because something I had once believed in was no longer part of my life.

And then God spoke.

I've already written about this in previous posts, but I feel the need to share in brief again. God spoke to me through an image that communicated to me just how much Jesus loved me and wanted to lift me up, if only I would allow Him. And now, almost 10 months later, I am just getting back into a trusting and meaningful relationship with Jesus again. I'm a weak and broken person who initially trusts people (and God) but after that trust has been broken it's extremely difficult for me to trust again, even with my Heavenly Father. It's foolishness (I know) to think that I'm in any way in control of my life or that Jesus is looking for my approval. I know He isn't. But I also know that He wants to love me and wants me to give all control and trust to Him and Him alone. I just have to decide to do it.

It's taken 10+ months to believe God is real to me again. 10 months to muster up the courage to trust again. And yet I find a lingering sense of doubt within me. Staying here in LA has been a lot of ups and downs relationally with the people around me and with God. I'm learning a lot about who I am and who God wants me to be...and trying to figure out how to trust again.

I'm so thankful for my cell group and the seed that it is. I believe it's a seed that God has planted in my life to begin growth and healing from the broken and bitter past I've had. I'm thankful that this year's Thanksgiving Dinner with my church looks to be one filled with renewed joy and hope as we begin to journey to Christmas. I'm looking forward to church services with tears of joy and praise. Such a different place than last year, and praise God for that!

Take 3

OK, I have written about 2 other versions of a blog but haven't posted any of them because I have so much going on inside that I can't properly write it out into words or sentences that anyone would understand. So here's my third try...

Do you ever feel like you have so many thoughts, opinions, and creativity flowing in your mind that it's stuck. I can't believe that I'm going to use a term such as this, but I'm basically feeling Creatively Constipated.

When I started my first blog entry, I wanted to talk about my weight loss journey. The highs and lows, and a recent rejuvenation of my excitement to lose weight for good. But whoa! Talk about personal and intimate blog post. So I thought about it and then saved it as a draft for later.

Then I began another blog post talking about how the past couple of weeks have been (especially with weight watchers). Do you sense a theme?

So here is my attempt to share all the highs and lows without going too far into the personal details that are too sensitive for me to share, yet. 

Weight loss has been on my mind (more or less) for the past two years of my life. When I first began to really work at losing weight two years ago, it was all I could think about. For a few months I was doing really well. Then, I just stopped. I was bitter that everyone around me could talk about (and eat) whatever they wanted and I couldn't. I thought that weight watchers was a chain that held me back from experiencing life like everyone else. I was angry that I had to be different and couldn't "enjoy" life. That dangerous thought literally took me out of the game for a year. I eventually stopped trying to lose weight all together and ate whatever I wanted. At first I felt free; free to experience the things I wanted (particularly in the area of food and hanging out with friends/social eating). You see, I have always used food as a tool to enhance the experiences I have in life. Maybe that doesn't make sense to some people, but let me explain. Let's say I was having a great day. Work went well and I felt really great. I would want to eat out or get dessert at the end of the day to make it that much better. Interestingly enough, I would also use food to make a bad day better. Work might have been stressful and I was feeling terrible. I would then want to eat my "comfort food" (which is greasy fast food) to make it better.

After a year of indulging I finally began to feel the effects these choices had on my body. I was gaining weight back, feeling more depressed, and lacking motivation to do much of anything. When I first began a regular workout routine, I learned that I was actually an active person! I really enjoyed sweating and moving around. But in the year following that I realized I had lost that interest and chose to lay around most of the time. What happened??

Well, I'm writing this blog to ask for your accountability. I finally reached a point where I remembered how much I love working out, dancing, and moving and now I want to get back into a healthy routine of eating healthy and moving around again! All I ask is for your prayers and encouragement to help me keep going. At the moment I'm focused and feeling great, but I know there will be a time when I'm tired and reach a point where it's not all fun and new again. That's exactly when I'll need your encouragement and reminder of the things I write in this blog. Remind me that I love to dance and I feel so much better when I exercise. Remind me that I want to be healthy and live a long life! Remind me that food is never a good replacement for emotions.

Thanks for allowing me to be free to express myself and work at being free to share my creative writing juices. Hopefully some good posts will form soon!

Peace.

Past Emotional Memories

Last night I drove the new SP Interns to LAX for them to catch a 16-hour flight to Manila. All day I felt nervous and anxious and I couldn't understand why. It was as though I was going on the trip with them and the thought of returning to such a hard place made my stomach turn. I barely ate because I was too anxious.

When I got home from work, I had to close my bedroom door to quiet myself before meeting with the interns soon after. I was nervous... but I didn't want to share my nerves with the interns because I'm sure they had enough of their own.

But I kept asking myself, "Why am I so nervous?".

We eventually got in the car and began the journey to LAX. We chatted a bit about their days, listened to GLEE, and after what seemed like no time at all, we were pulling up to the International Terminal. I gave my intern car-buddies each a hug and they were off. I looked into the terminal and remembered how terrified I was 2 years ago when that was me preparing to fly to Manila...

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I had never been on an international missions trip. I had never been to a slum. I had never done anything like what I was about to embark upon with virtually no one at my side. I didn't have a close friend or partner to go with me and hold my hand. I remember feeling like I was the only one who was afraid to go to Manila on my team. Everyone else seemed to be excited and happy to be going. I felt so alone in my fear. I sat down in my seat on the plane and began crying. I was alone and heading to a place that was far away from everything I knew. I cried alone in my seat as teammates passed by heading to their seats with smiles and eager with anticipation. 

I didn't move from my seat the entire 16 hours. 

I was stuck in my own fear and loneliness... 

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After dropping off the interns and leaving LAX  heading back to South LA on the 110 fwy, I broke down in tears. I cried and cried. I didn't know why I was crying, but I knew I needed to feel those emotions and let them out. It's almost as though I was reliving the feelings I had on the plane two years earlier.

I've been learning/realizing a lot about myself these past couple of weeks. Learning that as much as I don't want to admit that I am broken, I am in fact, very broken. Certain sins that I don't want to admit I fall into, I do. I fall and sin... I am broken and messed up. I need God each day. I may sometimes forget how much I need God, but that doesn't change the fact that I desperately need Him. Without God, I am just a broken sinful woman with no hope of restoration or healing. But with God, I have hope. A hope that I will heal from the wounds I brought from Manila. A hope that one day I will be thankful/grateful for my time there.

I have hope that one day all this mess and sin will no longer weigh me down when I am with my Lord.

I will be free.

Please pray for the interns currently in Manila. I know that I was changed by the things and people I saw during my 3 weeks there and needed prayer. The slum in Manila they will be living in is a hard place. Some of them have experienced such poverty and conditions, but others may not. There might be an intern who got on that plane and began crying just like me. So please, join me in praying for this new class of interns and their journey to Manila. I would also love your prayers as I begin looking into counseling to heal from the deep, dark, messed up places in my heart (some of which came to the surface 2 years ago in Manila and again yesterday).

Blessings,
Erika

Dance, dance like it's the last, last night of your life...

In my last blog, I wrote a lot about change and transition. And because life is constantly changing, I'm going to write about it again. Ha!
The past couple of weeks I have completed the following changes:
1. My email address
2. Blog
3. Desk at work

Yep, I switched desks at work. I could go into why this was such a needed move for me and describe the changed desk situation, but instead I'll give you the "nutshell" version. I used to be on a corner desk which opened up to an entry door of the office. So my back was facing that door. It was nice at first because it was so open but after a while, it became...annoying. It's hard to not know who is walking in the door and looking at your computer, desk, food, etc. My opportunity to move came when my computer at work got a virus (yep, even my work computer had a virus) and I had to temporarily change desks. I was here temporarily for a week and I LOVED it! I'm in the "middle" desk which means I have a third wall and it's a bit more private. When my computer came in after being repaired, I asked my boss if I could just stay and switch over to the other desk. And today it finally happened! I can't tell you how excited I am and happy about my new desk space. I think it's going to be good for me to be in a new area of the office, new atmosphere, new setting, etc.

All of that leads me to a much deeper discussion of changes in my life. Basically this whole summer's theme for me has been change. And it looks like it might continue into the Fall. I'm usually a timid person because I don't have a lot of confidence and easily doubt myself. I'm usually very afraid of change because it's new and unknown territory. This timidity affected all areas of my life because my approach to doing anything was always influenced by my fear of the unknown.

Not any more!

I don't want to be a person ruled by fear anymore. I don't want what others think of me to influence the things I decide to say, do, or try anymore.

This summer, I've taken a small step towards trying something new, even if it's a little scary.

I took a dance class.

Like a real, legit, dance class.

It was called StilettoFit and it kicked my butt. But that was just the step I needed to take. I felt empowered.

I, Erika Gannon, took a dance class in a room full of mirrors and paper-thin dancers. I did it!

And that was just the spark I needed to be hooked. I haven't gone back to that exact class because it was for a fitness level that I am not yet at. (underlined word: YET!). But I have tried other classes and completely fallen in love with dance. Am I trained? No. Do I feel alive when I am moving and groovin'? Yes! In fact, I recently tried a new class called "Groove Method". I don't think I can accurately express into words how happy and free this class made me feel. Here's a link to the official groove method website if you're interested: http://thegroovemethod.com/

I am in love with dance, movement, and expression of the body through music, beats, and moves. And it's all because I tried that first dance class. (And a little show I was kinda, sorta obsessed with this summer called So You Think You Can Dance...)

Here's to dancing more and trying new [and sometimes scary] things! Happy Friday everyone :)

It's a new day

Welcome to my first post under a completely new name! I did have to get rid of my previous blog because of it's attachment to my previous email address with a virus. So, why not start fresh with a new blog and a new email address? Can I just say that it's hard to change everything, even gmail, but that's a whole-other Oprah.

So let's get to business. First, what the heck does the title mean? It may seem obscure and random but I absolutely love daisies. They are so simple and pure. So going with a theme of daisies, I looked up the word "daisy"  just to see what came up other than the obvious and surprisingly, I found the slang definition to be what's listed in the title.

Someone or something of first-rate quality. 

I can't really imagine anyone nowadays saying, "That new car sure is a daisy" but this idea of trying to be a woman of first-rate quality is exactly what I'm trying to accomplish. Not in the eyes of the world but rather in the eyes of my Creator and Father.

*Raises a glass to toast* 
Here is to starting fresh and moving forward from the things of the past and looking forward to what great things will come in the future.  
*cling, cling*