Now for the First Time

Hello friends! There have been a few things that I wanted to update you on in my life as well as ask for help and encouragement. 

For the first time in my life, I find myself in a romantic relationship. He is a wonderful, sweet, handsome, and kind man. But that's all the mush you'll get from me... for now. 

I'm writing this post because I'm still finding the whole thing hard to believe. You see, I had spent the better part of the past two years preparing for a life of being single. Some days I was motivated by self-pity and other days it was a deep-rooted sense that the "single life" was the life God was asking of me. I started operating in the mindset that I need to find my value and joy in life as a single woman apart from romance. I was not interested in dating or trying to find someone because I wanted to show the world happiness does not lie in romantic relationships alone (a statement I still very much believe to be true). 

After spending 28 years single, I learned that the importance of  relationships includes those with your family and friends, not just who you marry. I never saw romance as something I was entitled to experience or have in my life and I still don't believe anyone is entitled to date. I do believe we are called to relationships, but our view is so skewed and broken that we wrongfully focus on romance and tend to neglect the life-long friendships and close bonds we can have with our mothers, fathers, siblings, cousins, etc, etc. 

Since I was planning to spend my life being "the forever single girl" in my social circles (and actually found peace with that identity) how the heck did I find myself in a dating relationship?

I had begun to feel more depressed and saw people around me experiencing changes in their jobs, school, finances, or relationships and I felt as if my life looked exactly the same as it did 10 years ago. I was still single, no career, same job for 7 years, and nothing good (or so I told myself). In a moment of desperation I decided to sign up for a dating app simply as a game. I'd seen a few YouTube videos talking about how shallow it is and how it can be almost seen as a game. I had little invested in the entire process other than entertainment and potentially getting some "practice dates" so I would have funny/crazy stories to tell my friends. That seemed like an easy way for me to socially fit in with dating conversations even though I knew it wouldn't lead to a relationship.

Now, after making it official with the boy, I find myself in a weird state of re-discovering my identity. It's gotten easier as the weeks have progressed, but I still feel very aware that something has changed. I'm no longer that single lady I held onto so tightly for 28 years, but instead I'm a hybrid of who I once was and who I am now. Don't for a second believe that I've forgotten the struggles of being single or that I've lost the insecurity that I carried. Those aspects are still very much a part of who I am; the context in which they show themselves is the biggest difference. These days I see how my insecurities can affect him and how we both need to work on caring well for each other as well as ourselves in order to make this thing last. 

Which brings me to the support that I'll need in this next season of life. Not only am I in a new relationship, but I will also begin therapy next week. I've been seeing a career counselor for a few months to discover what career I want to pursue and through the course of our conversations, the next best step in my life is to pursue healing and "table" the career search. I have wounds that remain open and have now created a very large barrier that has made it almost impossible to move forward in my life. My therapist and I discovered that I struggle to find my own voice (which isn't helpful for someone who enjoys writing as much as I do) and that prevents me from knowing myself well enough to know the path I want in my life. These issues also affect my friendships, my time with family, and my new relationship which only adds more motivation for me to find healing. 

So I ask that you, reader of my thoughts, support me through prayer, conversations, and time spent with me so that our relationship can continue even in this time of deep reflection and healing. I want my life to be immersed in community because if I am isolated in this time, I fear the stronghold of depression will take over, and I just can't go through that again. I also ask for your patience with me for the next couple of months. I will do my best to support and care for you, but I do ask for your grace and forgiveness for the times I screw up or let you down. I don't know if I'll be operating at full capacity but I'll do my best. And that's all I ask of you in return. Some might be uncomfortable dealing with me and the emotions I'll be working through...and that's ok. I learned last year that depression can be difficult to navigate but it also provides a great filter for who will be in my life when the going gets tough and who won't. I'm grateful for those who have remained in my life who are willing to continue together just as much as I'm grateful for the ability to weed out the chaff [see: metaphor definition]. 

I love and appreciate each of you <3  

Life update

I wish I could accurately describe the quantity of posts that I've been wanting to write over the course of the last month. Some got a little too personal, others too depressing... but most were great bursts of an idea but didn't develop past the title once I got to writing it out. I always hated those posts from people saying they would write more and then never getting back to it and yet I find myself doing the same thing. Words honestly couldn't describe the crazy that was the past 1 1/2 months. When I think about mid-December 2011, I can't believe how different things are now. I had just sung with the worship team at church, the guy I was dating came to hear me sing, and we had one of the best days together hanging around my house. The shortest part of the story is that I am no longer seeing that guy. I have now experienced my first (closest thing to a) breakup.

And until now, I haven't really allowed myself to acknowledge to others that I was sad about it. I didn't feel like I could/should because I kept telling myself, "You're being dramatic" or "This wasn't as big of a deal as you're making it out to be". Now, 1 1/2 months after the fact, I realize this wasn't healthy and that I slipped into a very mild (yet still existent) "survival mode" depression. This is a term that my family used when my parents were getting divorced and everything got flipped turned upside down. I'm sure it's not a term my family coined, but it basically means going through the functions required to get through the day. Eat. Sleep.Work. Repeat.
The only reason I'm sharing this on a more public forum is because I'm asking for some accountability and an overall "looking out for me". I learned a lot about myself and the insecurities I have. They all came out when I found myself a dating situation. I'm glad to have a better understanding of dating, relationships, and most importantly myself after going through this experience. But now I need to heal and move forward without allowing this sadness to hold me back. I need to let go of the idea that I can control or change anything that has or will happen in my life (dating, career path, etc.)

[UPDATE]:
It's taken me about a week to write and process this post. I spent a day this past Sunday being alone, praying, and spending time with God. Although I didn't receive any revelations or words, I did receive peace about my life. Not just one area or one thing I was thinking and praying about...but all of them! I left the coffee house that day feeling refreshed and peaceful. It's kind of amazing because it's both small/immeasurable AND remarkably huge! That's  how I know it's from God. What else can produce such a feeling? I wasn't particularly sad about anything, I wasn't longing to be somewhere else... I was happy and content with ALL I've been given. To be able to recognize what God has given to me and release the bitterness that typically accompanies a felt loss is truly the best gift and best peace God can put in my heart.

I got to see some tangible side affects of this feeling yesterday during my singing lesson. It was my first lesson in a month (illness, holidays, and scheduling) and I was feeling rusty and slightly unprepared for the session. I warmed up my voice in the car and was feeling a bit more positive, although not entirely confident. Right before I got out of my car, I decided that I wasn't going to force anything and just let my voice be what it was that night. And I had one of the best, confidence-boosting lessons ever!

Once I let go of control and realize that I can only be myself, where I'm at right now, in this moment... things got better. I'm less stressed, less anxious, more peaceful.

Luke 1:5-20

At my cell group this week, we had a particularly good study. We are entering into a season of Advent and anticipating Jesus' birth so we studied Zechariah & Elizabeth's story (the beginning anyway) when Zechariah is given word of his wife's pregnancy.

Their story has never "hit-home" for me like it did after Monday night. We thought about what life might have been like prior to this part of their story. What is day-to-day like for a husband and wife who long for a child but cannot have one? The text describes them as "righteous in the sight of God, observing all the Lord's commands and decrees blamelessly" (v.6). Which at first glance, it seems like anyone in the Bible could have that description. But what is so amazing and encouraging about Elizabeth & Zezhariah is that while they desperately wanted something from God (a child) and with each day that passed until this point they did not receive it, they still were righteous and observed the Lord's commands. They were blameless even!

How often have I been angry or hurt by God for things that I want but haven't received? Do I think that I am blameless in the eyes of God? Nope. I definitely wouldn't fit that category.

Bitter maybe...

But this is a story of faith and not bitterness. Elizabeth was probably shunned from certain social activities or just not included because she didn't have children of her own. She was seen as "less than" and even judged. Zechariah had to bear some of that burden when he came home and the social stigma that it had on him as well.  Who knows what their daily conversations/arguments looked like. And yet they were seen by God to be righteous and blameless. Why? Because they must have decided that God is enough. The Lord's commands were worth obeying regardless of what they "got" out of it. Society didn't define their faith in the Lord.  Their own desires or wants in life didn't distract them from knowing the true love of God and the value that held above all.

Yes, I have been a single woman my entire life. Yes! I want to date and eventually be married. Yes, I hope that God will hear my prayers.

No, I will not use this temporary disappointment to define my faith in God. I want to be better than what I have been. I want to be blameless in the eyes of God. I want to find my comfort and peace in God, not in a hope or expectation of a relationship.

At this point I feel I am rambling.

To whoever is reading, thank you. May God show you just how valuable you are.