Dear Fat People

I am the type of person who goes through waves of watching YouTube videos excessively and then not at all. I have recently found myself looking for more creators to follow as I have more "free" time at work (Shhh, our little secret). Recently I've found myself bored with my subscriptions and looking for new channels. While searching, I stumbled on a controversial video with a ton of response videos from some of my favorite YouTubers. Since I'd rather not give this video more views, I will only say what it was about: Being overweight.

Fat. Chubby. Heavy. Large. Plus-Size.

As a larger person, I've struggled with these labels and experienced the anxiety/fear of being picked on for most of my life. I did avoid a lot of unwanted attention from any potential bullies simply by blending in and erasing myself from anyone's radar. I do not, however, suggest this for anyone because not only do you erase yourself from the bully's mind but you also lose your own identity and uniqueness in the process.

So, as someone who struggles with weight and the insecurities/fears/doubts that come with it, this particular video was very painful to watch. The creator made jokes about fat people and claimed that she was using it to "motivate" fat people to get off their ass and lose weight. My heart broke. Instead of feeling encouraged or motivated I felt shitty, self-loathing, and angry. Thankfully I'm much stronger now than I was in high school (which is the age of a lot of YouTube viewers these days) because seeing a video like that would have wrecked me. The creator claimed it was a joke and meant to be sarcastic/funny but later defended it saying it was actually to help overweight people be healthier. *side eye* I don't see a single place in the entire video that could be motivating. Shame on her for even trying to say it was meant positively at all.

I wish I could be as strong and confident as the creator in the video below (Meghan Tonjes) in her response video. I'm not making a video to respond, but I do still want to take a stand and say this to that horrible YouTube creator: I may be a larger woman, but I am still a person. I matter regardless of my size. Your video was offensive and rude. I know you have defended it saying it was all for fun as well as motivating, but let me tell you this: IT WASN'T FUNNY. And the only thing it motivated me to do was write this blog, never watch another video you make, and instead support actual creators worth being on YouTube.

The creators below are some of my favorite voices on YouTube in terms of opinions, humor, and overall entertainment value of the content they regularly produce. Meghan is the first video and she has basically the same reaction that I had when she watched it. I cried with her and got frustrated with her...I wish we had more female voices out there to represent the large ladies and show the world what we can do. Watch below (note: R rated language is in both of the videos):

There are a bunch of other reaction videos out there, but this is by far one of my favorites. It's from Nicola Foti and his videos (found on SoundlyAwake) are some of the most hilarious and entertaining in my YouTube watchlist; this one is on point and needs to be shared in response to the video in addition to a bunch of other hateful videos out there:

Be kind to people and know everyone is a complex human being and living their own story. 

I am a complex human being who is also heavy...but I am valuable and deserve to be treated as a person and not a joke. If you are reading this and you are struggling with your own self-worth, know this: You are Loved by God and you are a valuable person in society no matter what you look like. You are important and don't let anyone make you believe you are anything less than amazing. 

Highs and Lows

I've written about this in previous posts, so excuse my repetition, but I'm constantly reminded that life is filled with the highs and lows and they are often existing in the same moment. I wish this weren't true, but I seem to find myself most drawn to writing when life is at its low moments. I want that to change however, so I'm going to include the good things that are also happening alongside the lows I've experienced lately. Life is better balanced anyway...right?

I recently started seeing someone through Kaiser to help with depression care and while we've only met once, I already feel extremely hopeful and encouraged. She's not a therapist but she helps patients set goals and try to keep life going when we feel as though life has slowed down due to depression and lack of motivation. It's pretty close to what I was looking for last year when I saw a therapist through Soul Restoration project out in Orange County. The best part is that it's free so it's not adding an additional financial burden to seek help!

The timing couldn't have been more perfect because I've found myself spiraling down back into familiar depression stages. I've struggled sleeping through the night, fallen back on bad eating habits, and lost motivation to care not only for my own life but for others. Unfortunately, it's a vicious cycle because the less I care about eating well the deeper I fall in feeling depressed and round and around we go. I'm so thankful that I began seeing her last week and thankful that it'll be a more extended time seeing her every other week for a few months.

I started an actual adult budget with the help of a family friend and it's been the perfect mixture of happiness and pain. It's painful to track where you spend money when you aren't used to the details of your day. However, it's also empowering to know where you spend money and have the ability to determine what takes priority in your life. I'm not too far into debt but I definitely need to pay off some credit cards and pay back some generous friends so that I can get my life in order.

That's it for this short and sweet little update. I'm hoping to work on another post for the beginning of February dreams for the future!

Once again, thanks for reading these updates and for sticking with me through all the highs and (mainly) lows that I tend to share. I'm so thankful for each and every eye that gives this little piece of my heart some time and attention.

Leaving LA: Its Really Happening

I want to start off by saying that I'm not in love with LA. In all honesty, I don't like LA at all.

With that said, I feel sad as I think about moving away from the place I've called home for the past 5 years. I can't help but look back at all the things I've experienced and learned here. These are just some memories that have a story behind them, but I will list the headlines of my time in LA below:

• Moved here for an internship for urban ministry, not knowing WHAT to expect. 
• Had my faith shaken by life and some pretty messed up experiences. 
• Had my iPhone stolen; just to be brought back to me by a good samaritan who saw it happen. 
• Discovered some new-obsessions...YouTube, Darren, etc. 
• Lived in 3 different houses in the course of 5 years. 
• Made new friends using twitter (of all things)
• Stopped going to church  
• Struggled to figure out what I believed in again.
• Took singing lessons and loved every minute of it. 
• Developed a voice that I never knew I had. 
• Continued to grow in my passion for LGBT rights and issues. 
• Worked at L.A. Live at the movie theater as a second job and met some pretty amazing/hilarious people! 

Things I learned here: 

• USC (and the South LA area it's located in) isn't as scary as everyone tells you it is. 
• How to survive without heat or A/C in houses without insulation (which is basically like camping inside your home.)
• Small concerts are WAY better than the huge mega-star concerts. 
• Having a driveway is like owning a treasured jewel, it's so rare and it's a parking space saved just for you! 
• Parking tickets are annoying but definitely part of the LA experience. 

It's been a rollercoaster 5 years but I'm glad I can say that I've lived in LA and I've gained these experiences that I might never had if I stayed in the suburbs. 

BUT! With all that said, I did pack up my life and move back to Fullerton. For various reasons and circumstances, I'm back in the suburbs and I have mixed feelings. It's been a transition week of taking a train into work, driving to the train station, and acclimating to the quiet that is my new home. There's A/C, cable TV, and my own space to retreat to each night. Overall, I'm happy and excited for what's to come from my time here and see where I live after this! 

Thanks to everyone who reads these and has supported me! 

Also, my last post was my 100th post! WOW.  I can't believe it! 

Life Updates in July!

Time sure flies when you're working two jobs!

I've sorely missed writing on this blog. I've missed making YouTube videos (which hopefully changes soon!) And I've especially missed the concept of "weekends". Working at a movie theater on the weekend means I've only had days off for holidays (YAY for 4th of July!) and I'm working on the theater's busiest days ("Give me my POPCORN" the guest screamed into my face...).

....So finding time to relax (sleep) has been challenging.

But this time of craziness is coming to a close! I'm working the next two Fridays (including today when this blog was written) and then I'm free!

But that's not the ONLY update I have for you lovelies! I am also going to be relocating back to where so many things in my life began. Back to my college stomping ground. Back to...Fullerton, CA.
Yep. The bright lights of the city have worn me down and I'm heading back to the suburbs for a while to rest my weary LA soul.

Things you can look forward to: 
A deeper/reflective post about moving away from LA
A NEW YouTube channel!
A more rested and relaxed writer (that's me!)
A...hopefully more postings on this blog (wanted to keep with the theme here)
And, more TV/Film reviews, write-ups, and recaps :)

Whew! THAT is a LOT of updates.

I'm really excited for this new chapter in my life! I think God has some interesting things in store for me and I can't wait to share and experience them all with you!

So this happened.

I'm entirely sure how to feel about it either. I mean, I'm glad that it's "over" and I've submitted the application. But I'm also scared of what the future holds. I have placed a LOT on getting back into school and only affording it because of the discount I received by being a staff of the university. I'm not really sure what I'll do if I don't get in...but let's not think about that.

I figure I'll use this time to reflect on my journey towards submitting my application...

Working here has been a learning experience in patience, understand, and finding purpose. In the course of my almost 4 years working here, I've struggled to find my place, struggled to find purpose, and (on a daily basis) struggled  to be nice on the phone when I'm being yelled at for something I didn't do...

While looking for purpose or some direction in life, I found the Critical Studies Department within the School of Cinematic Arts and fell in love! From what I've researched, it's perfection in a program. It combines my true loves of TV-Film and Entertainment culture studies! After looking at other programs the university offers (and frankly being disappointed) I was glad to see the school have some program for people like me...those who like love entertainment but don't necessarily want to be a director or work on the production side of things. Working on a set would be awesome, but not sure that can be my full-time job considering it's frakking hard to do and doesn't get me going as much as lively discussions do!

So...that's it.

Now I wait.

And wait.

And wait more.

The future has a lot in store and I can feel the changes ahead. They're coming. Some I want to avoid (like the stress of work AND school) and some I am ready and open to accept (like getting to write papers again!).

If you are a praying person, I gladly welcome prayers and good vibes!

<3 Erika

WHOA.

Time is flyin' by these days. I feel like I have so much to write about and yet nothing at all. I'm not sure I can actually write out entire paragraphs at this point, but I do want to update some things that have been going on for the past 2 months or so:

• I'm applying to return to school to get my Masters in Cinematic Arts; specifically Critical Studies for the Fall 2013. 
• Taking TOOK the required GRE (which is a graduate school entrance exam) on Thursday, November 8th. 
• Been spending all my free time at coffee houses studying and trying to re-learn my entire high school education. 
• Realized just how awesome I am at algebra
• Realized how awesomely bad I am at all other math.
• Finishing up my actual school application which is due December 1st. 
• Looking forward to being done with this whole process and resting through the holidays. 
• Hopefully not stressing too much about whether I get in or not. 
• I enjoy making lists.
• I also enjoy wearing rings and watches. 
• I believe I'm starting a watch collection. I keep finding new watches that I love! 

One great thing that I've learned/remembered about myself in this process is how much I love academics. Even though I wanted to rip my eyes out studying ratios, exponents, and fractions, I still loved having something to study. I love working long hours on papers, researching topics, discussing viewpoints and discovering new ideas! This whole thing has really motivated me even more to get into grad school and pursue the academic study of media's influence both culturally and emotionally on us as people and as a society. 

I hope to make a new video this weekend and get back into the swing of things here as well! 

Life update

I wish I could accurately describe the quantity of posts that I've been wanting to write over the course of the last month. Some got a little too personal, others too depressing... but most were great bursts of an idea but didn't develop past the title once I got to writing it out. I always hated those posts from people saying they would write more and then never getting back to it and yet I find myself doing the same thing. Words honestly couldn't describe the crazy that was the past 1 1/2 months. When I think about mid-December 2011, I can't believe how different things are now. I had just sung with the worship team at church, the guy I was dating came to hear me sing, and we had one of the best days together hanging around my house. The shortest part of the story is that I am no longer seeing that guy. I have now experienced my first (closest thing to a) breakup.

And until now, I haven't really allowed myself to acknowledge to others that I was sad about it. I didn't feel like I could/should because I kept telling myself, "You're being dramatic" or "This wasn't as big of a deal as you're making it out to be". Now, 1 1/2 months after the fact, I realize this wasn't healthy and that I slipped into a very mild (yet still existent) "survival mode" depression. This is a term that my family used when my parents were getting divorced and everything got flipped turned upside down. I'm sure it's not a term my family coined, but it basically means going through the functions required to get through the day. Eat. Sleep.Work. Repeat.
The only reason I'm sharing this on a more public forum is because I'm asking for some accountability and an overall "looking out for me". I learned a lot about myself and the insecurities I have. They all came out when I found myself a dating situation. I'm glad to have a better understanding of dating, relationships, and most importantly myself after going through this experience. But now I need to heal and move forward without allowing this sadness to hold me back. I need to let go of the idea that I can control or change anything that has or will happen in my life (dating, career path, etc.)

[UPDATE]:
It's taken me about a week to write and process this post. I spent a day this past Sunday being alone, praying, and spending time with God. Although I didn't receive any revelations or words, I did receive peace about my life. Not just one area or one thing I was thinking and praying about...but all of them! I left the coffee house that day feeling refreshed and peaceful. It's kind of amazing because it's both small/immeasurable AND remarkably huge! That's  how I know it's from God. What else can produce such a feeling? I wasn't particularly sad about anything, I wasn't longing to be somewhere else... I was happy and content with ALL I've been given. To be able to recognize what God has given to me and release the bitterness that typically accompanies a felt loss is truly the best gift and best peace God can put in my heart.

I got to see some tangible side affects of this feeling yesterday during my singing lesson. It was my first lesson in a month (illness, holidays, and scheduling) and I was feeling rusty and slightly unprepared for the session. I warmed up my voice in the car and was feeling a bit more positive, although not entirely confident. Right before I got out of my car, I decided that I wasn't going to force anything and just let my voice be what it was that night. And I had one of the best, confidence-boosting lessons ever!

Once I let go of control and realize that I can only be myself, where I'm at right now, in this moment... things got better. I'm less stressed, less anxious, more peaceful.

Sing it Out

For the past 6 months, I've been taking singing lessons 2x a month...and I'm in love. I can't imagine not having these lessons to help me grow and be a better singer. The wildest part is that most people have no idea how much I love to sing. I've spent a good majority of my life thinking very little of myself, especially my talents and passions. When I would get excited about a performance or time to shine, it would quickly fade to a thought that goes something like, "Well...I'm not good enough so maybe I shouldn't do it". Cut to me sitting around and watching others do what I longed to do and getting the parts I wanted. I see a lot of performers talk about being told "No" and "You're not good enough" when they were auditioning and my first thought is how little I relate to that feeling. I was so afraid and not confident in myself that I never let anyone say that to me because I rarely (if ever) sang for anyone. In turn, I never auditioned or tried anything. I kept my singing, performing, dancing self in my room where she was safe from any judgement (or audience).

When I finally decided to pursue singing lessons, it was an outlet for me to sing and really learn the technique. Now it's become a way of growing both vocally and spiritually. Who knew I'd find Jesus through my voice? Let me explain.  My instructor is constantly telling me to let go of the control and simply sing. Sounds easier than it actually is because in order to do that, you have to trust that you have the right pitch and enough breath beneath you to support your sound. I rarely have that trust and the sound comes out somewhat strained because I'm trying to control it with my throat (wrong). What do I struggle with in my relationship with God? Control and lack of trust. Hmm, I see what you're doing there God.

I can't really express how much life my singing lessons have brought me. They give me an outlet for expression and release of the things I keep bottled inside most of the time. I experience the world through emotions mainly, and singing is a way of expressing emotions that is so different from written or spoken word. Kristin Chenoweth (Wicked, Glee guest star) once said, "We sing when we can no longer speak" and I find that to be 100% true in my life. Singing is an emotional and physical expression of things we cannot otherwise say. But it has also become a way for me to interact with God. He uses my lessons to teach me things about myself and remind me that I can trust in Him and the "song" will play out as it should.

While nothing concrete is in the works, I'm am going to be singing more (and more in front of people!) so I ask for your prayers and support through the ups and downs that will bring :) I'm looking forward to walking this path of singing and learning for the rest of my life. Whether it's a career or a life-long outlet, I know I'll sing as long as I'm able.

Today I thank God for the gift of music. What are you thankful for today? Where are the places that you're discovering God and you weren't expecting to see Him there?

Loss

It's been a little under 2 1/2 months since I left my bag on the train. I've gone over and over the details of that day and even the night leading up to my train adventure to think of what I could or  should have done differently.

I wish I had left my retainer at home that weekend.

I wish I hadn't brought my laundry along with me.

I wish I had driven myself.

I wish I had remembered my bag before I left the train.

I could literally go on forever with lists of "wishes" and "regrets". At the moment that I realized I had left my bag on the train, I felt an intense peace about the entire situation. I didn't doubt for a second that it would be returned to me, eventually. When I called the Metrolink service to report it being left on the train, the representative over the phone was positive and mentioned the possibility of getting it back before the end of the weekend (this occurred on the Wednesday prior to Thanksgiving Day). And now, here I am, 2 months later & still no bag in sight. Metrolink said it could take up to a month to get it back to Union Station. So I waited...and waited. I called them just as they closed my case. Bag never recovered.

It's not even about the material things that were lost, most of which I have already replaced. It's about what I cannot replace. Most significant: my retainer. I've had this tiny piece of metal since middle school. My teeth sometimes "move" but my retainer always put them back in place. There was a time in high school when I thought I had lost the retainer and freaked out enough to request a replacement. Well, the dentist couldn't replace it really, but instead made a new model based on how my teeth where shaped then. Eventually, I found my original retainer and always kept this second one as just a "back-up" for the "real" retainer. Well, now my back-up is my only option. It's not as good, and I feel my teeth moving (it's a small change, but still...). Anyways, the point of this whole retainer discussion is to show that I'm still not "over" forgetting my bag. And just when I think I'm over it and can move-on, I'm reminded (every night) as I brush my teeth, that I lost my "good" retainer and the thought cycle repeats with the above statements and regrets.

Maybe this is silly to some and ridiculous to others. But I've spent majority of nights crying in anger before I go to sleep. A couple nights ago, I basically pleaded with God to do a miracle...to bring back my bag! It was a low point.

So, now I post this potentially embarrassing story to ask for your prayers. I want to be freed from this cycle of stress, regret, anger, and sadness. Especially over something that seems as silly as a bag. I realized last night that I need to first ask forgiveness from God for things I said to Him in anger, but then I  need to forgive myself. I'm so angry with myself for being so forgetful and clueless. I don't trust myself with anything valuable now. I'm so afraid that I'll just forget it somewhere. Especially when I travel public transit (which is pretty much everyday going to and from work). I don't want to live in fear of forgetting something else or regret any longer. Thank you for praying for freedom and rebuilding my trust that God will provide what I need, when I need it. I tend to forget that about our Father...

Peace.

Reflections..

The holidays bring up both good and bad memories, especially as the new year approaches and we begin to reflect back on the year that is ending and look ahead for the year to come.

Recently my roommates and I were thinking about the past year and all that God has done. While listening to their reflections, I was reminded of the past year I've had with God. It was just about a year ago that I had a "healing prayer" session that began a series of events that led to a dark time in my faith. I felt that God brought up some deep rooted issues during the session and then didn't provide me with the support to follow it up. I felt abandoned and uncared for on all counts. It was one of the most difficult, lonely, and challenging experiences I have had with God and with the people involved. I specifically remember contemplating leaving the faith, doubting my belief in God and questioning His love for me.

The next day was the Thanksgiving Dinner for Church of the Redeemer and I felt like the world around me continued while I was frozen; stuck in a dark and lonely place. I went to the dinner, talked with 1 or 2 people and then I left right before the testimonies began ( because I was in no place to hear testimonies about God).

Christmas came and I felt very sad. I felt as though something was missing from my life but I didn't know what it was or if I wanted it ever again. I went to church and each week I cried. I was sad that I wasn't experiencing God the same way the people around me were. I was sad because something I had once believed in was no longer part of my life.

And then God spoke.

I've already written about this in previous posts, but I feel the need to share in brief again. God spoke to me through an image that communicated to me just how much Jesus loved me and wanted to lift me up, if only I would allow Him. And now, almost 10 months later, I am just getting back into a trusting and meaningful relationship with Jesus again. I'm a weak and broken person who initially trusts people (and God) but after that trust has been broken it's extremely difficult for me to trust again, even with my Heavenly Father. It's foolishness (I know) to think that I'm in any way in control of my life or that Jesus is looking for my approval. I know He isn't. But I also know that He wants to love me and wants me to give all control and trust to Him and Him alone. I just have to decide to do it.

It's taken 10+ months to believe God is real to me again. 10 months to muster up the courage to trust again. And yet I find a lingering sense of doubt within me. Staying here in LA has been a lot of ups and downs relationally with the people around me and with God. I'm learning a lot about who I am and who God wants me to be...and trying to figure out how to trust again.

I'm so thankful for my cell group and the seed that it is. I believe it's a seed that God has planted in my life to begin growth and healing from the broken and bitter past I've had. I'm thankful that this year's Thanksgiving Dinner with my church looks to be one filled with renewed joy and hope as we begin to journey to Christmas. I'm looking forward to church services with tears of joy and praise. Such a different place than last year, and praise God for that!

Take 3

OK, I have written about 2 other versions of a blog but haven't posted any of them because I have so much going on inside that I can't properly write it out into words or sentences that anyone would understand. So here's my third try...

Do you ever feel like you have so many thoughts, opinions, and creativity flowing in your mind that it's stuck. I can't believe that I'm going to use a term such as this, but I'm basically feeling Creatively Constipated.

When I started my first blog entry, I wanted to talk about my weight loss journey. The highs and lows, and a recent rejuvenation of my excitement to lose weight for good. But whoa! Talk about personal and intimate blog post. So I thought about it and then saved it as a draft for later.

Then I began another blog post talking about how the past couple of weeks have been (especially with weight watchers). Do you sense a theme?

So here is my attempt to share all the highs and lows without going too far into the personal details that are too sensitive for me to share, yet. 

Weight loss has been on my mind (more or less) for the past two years of my life. When I first began to really work at losing weight two years ago, it was all I could think about. For a few months I was doing really well. Then, I just stopped. I was bitter that everyone around me could talk about (and eat) whatever they wanted and I couldn't. I thought that weight watchers was a chain that held me back from experiencing life like everyone else. I was angry that I had to be different and couldn't "enjoy" life. That dangerous thought literally took me out of the game for a year. I eventually stopped trying to lose weight all together and ate whatever I wanted. At first I felt free; free to experience the things I wanted (particularly in the area of food and hanging out with friends/social eating). You see, I have always used food as a tool to enhance the experiences I have in life. Maybe that doesn't make sense to some people, but let me explain. Let's say I was having a great day. Work went well and I felt really great. I would want to eat out or get dessert at the end of the day to make it that much better. Interestingly enough, I would also use food to make a bad day better. Work might have been stressful and I was feeling terrible. I would then want to eat my "comfort food" (which is greasy fast food) to make it better.

After a year of indulging I finally began to feel the effects these choices had on my body. I was gaining weight back, feeling more depressed, and lacking motivation to do much of anything. When I first began a regular workout routine, I learned that I was actually an active person! I really enjoyed sweating and moving around. But in the year following that I realized I had lost that interest and chose to lay around most of the time. What happened??

Well, I'm writing this blog to ask for your accountability. I finally reached a point where I remembered how much I love working out, dancing, and moving and now I want to get back into a healthy routine of eating healthy and moving around again! All I ask is for your prayers and encouragement to help me keep going. At the moment I'm focused and feeling great, but I know there will be a time when I'm tired and reach a point where it's not all fun and new again. That's exactly when I'll need your encouragement and reminder of the things I write in this blog. Remind me that I love to dance and I feel so much better when I exercise. Remind me that I want to be healthy and live a long life! Remind me that food is never a good replacement for emotions.

Thanks for allowing me to be free to express myself and work at being free to share my creative writing juices. Hopefully some good posts will form soon!

Peace.