The Fearful Onion & Arthur

I guess I'm in a vulnerable state these days. When I originally began writing this I had just seen the movie "Arthur" and I cried through half of the movie. Isn't it a comedy, you ask? And my response would have to be yes...but it spoke into some pretty sensitive issues and struck a nerve somewhere within my heart. I loved it.

Brief summary of the movie: Rich man must marry stranger in order to keep his riches. He meets and falls for another girl who is simple and therefore must decide between true happiness or his wealth. I'll let you finish the rest.

What spoke to me was his relationship with his "nanny" and just how much he wanted real love in his life. He struggles to choose because deep down he knows that he won't be happy unless he marries the person he truly loves. Honestly, I think I'm drawing more from this film than the filmmakers would have intended, but I do think God used this film to speak to me. I had originally set that afternoon for prayer and reflection, but instead I literally slept for 3 hours and then went on to my evening's plans. It's so late, but God still wanted to bring up these issues within my heart, so I'll hope that my super power nap this afternoon will help support sleep once I finally lay down.

How does all of this connect with anything, you ask? Well, I deeply desire real love in my life too. I desire to be known and loved for all the good and bad that exist within me. This has been a deep desire in my heart for many years and yet the ironic or saddest part of this is that over the past couple of years, I have been closing off to others and moving further away from this desire. I was unaware of this happening in my heart until it was recently brought to my attention... and I'm still recovering from the realization this is actually a struggle for me. After I spoke with my pastor and prayed some about issues I had with my church and my cell group (bible study) I realized how fearful I am to share things about my life with others. If I did have something to share, instead of vocalizing them, I would think "This isn't important enough to share" or "This will be too overwhelming and they won't want me to share again, so I shouldn't tell them about this/that/anything".  These are the lies the enemy has planted so deeply in my mind that I hear them as sane thoughts and believe them to be true. This is how the enemy has silenced me for 3 years. This is how I've lost a lot of what I learned back in college (having friends, confidence, boldness, faith).

Each time I stopped myself from sharing, another brick was added to the growing wall that I have been building around myself. I truly believe this wall has been built, brick by brick, for the past 3 years and is a major reason I often feel unknown and invisible. This is one of the deepest and best hidden layers of my fearful onion...(my fear that I don't matter and no one really cares) I find myself alone surrounded by a massive wall and I wonder why no one is with me. Even though it scares me half to death, I must tear down this wall and open myself up once more to those around me. I cannot let the lies of the enemy control me because it's gone on too long. Part of this process is also re-discovering who I am and what I want for my life. Which leads me to explain why I've been taking weird classes or doing things you might not expect me to take. I figure there's no time like the present and I need to put myself out there (even if I look like a fool). So I'm taking classes to see what I'm good at, what gives me energy and creatively sustains me. I'm open to trying pretty much anything and really experience life, rather than hiding in fear!

This is going to be a long and challenging process. As I read over this post, I wonder why I feel comfortable sharing such an intimate and private struggle with such a public blog...but if I don't share here, I might not share at all. This is something that is fundamental in my relationship with Jesus and I need some accountability from anyone willing to push me towards healing (even if I push back at first..don't give up on me)...because otherwise I would disappear behind my securely built wall, and I don't think that's what Jesus has in mind for me. Thanks for letting me be honest and somewhat rambling...it's all a process.

Blessings <3

It's been an odd mixture of light and dark in my life for the past few months. I haven't written because I don't really know where to begin or how to even end. I literally have 4-5 drafts written for the different things that I've wanted to share, but haven't felt like they were really complete thoughts...so drafts they will remain for now.

I've been thinking a lot about myself lately. Not always in the selfish way but not always in the unselfish way either. Here is a brief recap/highlights of my life over the course of the past few months (roughly chronological):

• I had pretty much mentally decided to no longer attend my current church
• I went on a month-long church rotation to find a different church
• I met great people and saw amazing churches in the greater LA area that got me excited about my future and where God may have me go
• I decided to take voice lessons regularly
• I joined an acting class in Westwood on Sunday mornings (for a month)
• I decided that I needed to at least "try" new things and see if I discover talents I never knew I had
• I ended my church rotation 
• Caused by a stern yet gentle correction from my pastor about my expectations and poor communication; basically I didn't give people a chance
• Through this conversation, many deep rooted sins were discovered
• Basically, I'm an onion. A fearful, layered onion. (More in my next post about this)
• I've been trying to allow me to just be me and it's been wonderful/difficult.
• I've believed so many lies about myself that it's hard to distinguish truth and lies in my own head. 
• I've been able to see how I interact with Jesus and the true nature of our relationship, which isn't perfect.  
• I'm discovering that I like who I am, and I don't need to be ashamed of who I am or things I like
• I've started reading Harry Potter (much to the distress of my mom)
• I'm on the 4th book, hoping to be done by July for the last film! 
• I'm going to try to do more things in front of a camera, so be on the lookout for that! (scary but good!)
• Ultimately, I'm going to stay with Redeemer and allow Jesus to heal some of the major brokenness within my soul through the people and relationships He has given me, even when I don't think there are any relationships...He is showing me that isn't true. 

And now, looking toward this new path God seems to be laying before me, I see many more new adventures as well as more development of my character and identity in Jesus. Oh, and I plan to write a song at some point. I've never done that and it seems like the perfect outlet for some self-expression. If it gets recorded, I'll for sure post it for y'all. 

God is doing something big and I look forward to seeing what fruit comes out of this phase of my life. 

Peace and Blessings.