Gobble Gobble

I rarely write out the things that I am thankful for because it always felt super cheesy and contrived. This year, however, feels like an extraordinary year in the scheme of the 25 I've had so far. So, with all that said, here is my list of things that I'm thankful for:

• The Gift of Music: This year, I've re-discovered my love of all things musical.
• First was my love for Glee (rejuvenated love that is). It's a weird love affair because I know in my TV-writer heart that it's poorly written and inconsistent. But I can't help but love the musical numbers, love certain characters (Klaine), and enjoy the occasional good storyline. 
• Then came my love for Starkid and their first big musical "A Very Potter Musical". Stemmed from Darren being on Glee, I found myself inspired to check out his earlier work. Best decision I've made this past year. This has been the gateway to so many good things in my life, and for that I'm so thankful to them. 
• I began taking voice lessons! Second best decision I've made this year. Each session is challenging and life-giving in equal measure. This is the most active and creative way I see God working in my life. And it's all through my singing. I love it. 

• The Gift of Freedom: This is something that has been evolving since my years in college, but this year in particular has been a huge year of breaking chains that have held me down and releasing things to God.
•  I am actively working to restore and repair my relationship with God. Each breakthrough brings freedom to our relationship and freedom in my heart to accept His love more and more.
• I have also experienced freedom to express myself to God honestly. I have some deep hurts and disappointments with God, and I feel free now to express and release those to Him and trust they will be redeemed and restored. 
• I have gained freedom to be myself and freedom to accept who I am, both physically and emotionally. I haven't always liked who I was or how I looked, but God is freeing my sight to see what He sees in me. Definitely a work in progress, but I'm so thankful for what glimpses He's given me so far...

• The Gift of Friendship: This year has been a roller coaster of community and friendship for me. There were definitely dark times when I doubted each of my friendships and community. I doubted that I could be loved by any of them and felt like starting over. But God is good to me and brought people (some I'd known and some I didn't until recently) to remind me that friendship is worth fighting for and I am capable of being loved by my friends. I knew friendship was important, but this year has reminded me just how much friends bring to my life. I'm so thankful you've all stuck around for me, even when I wasn't the best friend back to you. 
• God has also given me a great community of people who want to be better and want to support one another. I love my corner community for what we are trying to be. We aren't perfect, but we are trying to be better together :) So grateful! 

• The Gift of Love: I haven't always felt like love was part of my life, mainly because I narrowly thought "love" looked a certain way. But this year, I've been better able to recognize when I'm loved and that has given me the ability to love others better so they feel that love in return. 
• I have always had a great family who loves and supports me. I seriously don't know where I would be without them. I love you. 
• This might be mushy, but I'm just thankful that God gave us the ability to love each other. It amazes me when I see an act of love shared between people. I'm so thankful.   

I hope that we are able to see what gifts we have been given and appreciate how much we are loved and seen by God. We have so much to be thankful for, if only we would take the time to reflect on the blessings we have been given. 

Happy Thanksgiving <3

Chicago 2011: Starkid Slamaganza

My Birthday trip captured in video. This was one of the BEST trips not just for the place and adventure, but the people I met and the future hopes that began there.

This past weekend, I saw the movie  J. Edgar starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Armie Hammer. I had not seen one trailer or clip from the film prior to this weekend. The only piece of information I had was a movie poster I saw in Hollywood a few weeks back. I had no idea what the story would focus on when I entered the movie theater. I was pleasantly surprised during the film because I found myself captivated and moved by the story unfolding before me. I am not a historian and there are many important people that I do not know much about, one of them being J. Edgar Hoover. So I let the film tell me his story without knowing what's fact, fiction, or a mixture of the two.

I'll be the first to admit that I am not a "film" person because my media-loving heart leans heavily towards television (which is seen as the bastard stepchild of film in some circles). That being said, I loved this movie! The reason I loved it is similar to the reason I prefer TV, which is that its a character driven story. If I fall in love with your character (and yes, I do fall in love with fictional characters) then you will have a loyal fan in me.

All that being said, I found the characters in J. Edgar intriguing enough to keep my attention and wonder what will happen between each of the relationships in the film. The main character himself is an odd man, who seems to have a slight speech impediment, lack of social skills, and a temper that is hard to comprehend because its so sudden and unexpected by both the on-screen cast and the audience watching. And yet,  I saw through his anger and isolation, a man holding onto deep personal secrets (and not limited to his own, but also the secrets of those around him). Throughout the film, I could see the wear and tear these secrets had on him as a person and it broke my heart. We were not created to hold such deep secrets in our hearts, and this film illustrates what that can do to a person if they try.

Armie Hammer really held my heart through the entire film. I love his performance as a gentle and smart man, with secrets of his own to protect. He plays Hoover's assistant and confidante in all matters of the job. I won't spoil you too much, but their friendship is beautiful, sad, and tragic. I enjoyed watching Armie (what a name, right?) in a character so drastically different than what he has previously played (The Social Network). He was compassionate and loving, honest and humble. <3

Ultimately, this is not a movie review. I am not a film critic. I take in movies and experience the emotions they bring up within me rather than analyze specific shots, color contrasts, or technical details in the film-making process. This movie moved me to tears. My heart ached watching  J. Edgar work so hard for his job, for his family, and for justice and yet his life and love limited, and in some ways avoided. I felt bad for him because he was so close to something meaningful and yet so far away from being able to accept it.

God has given me an extremely soft heart for the issues brought up in the film and for that I am so thankful to Him. I haven't always had this heart for the LGBT community, but I'm glad He has opened my heart to love and encourage those around me.

 I will not give answers to those hard questions you maybe asking or wondering about me. That's not my job. But I will say that I loved this movie because it moved me. It made me feel something deep in my heart for those who are told they cannot love...and my heart was broken.

Our world has enough hate in it, we don't need to spread anymore.

I encourage you to see the film and think about what it brings up for you. Then we can discuss!

Peace <3

Vague is Vague, Good is Good

This will be one of my more vague posts, and for that I do apologize. I would want to share more, but there's still stuff needing time to process and develop before that is possible.

If you've read my blog before, you most likely know that change and I are not friends. Even good changes in my life can be hard for me to accept. Recently, I've been able to experience something new (and exciting) but I can feel myself begin putting up the walls and guard myself in fear of the unknown.

The path that I'm walking is completely new territory. It's something I've thought about for a long time and something I want eventually, but that doesn't replace the fear and insecurities. I can't believe I'm going to write this, but I honestly thought my insecurities would lessen once this happened to me. Not true! In fact, they are shoved even more in my face due to this. I find myself battling in my head against the lies that I've believed for so long about myself. Unfortunately, new ones have also crept up and must be dealt with accordingly (prayer, conversations, friends, etc).

I continue to try and see God in the midst of this new experience.

Thankfully I see Him, but it's hard to keep focus. I'm easily distracted and forget just how central He is in all of this. This is a good gift to me from God, no matter what happens. And that is what I must always remember. It's also important to remember that God's gifts vary and cannot be limited to any one dream or aspiration you have! If this wasn't happening in my life, there would be other good gifts that I would have to celebrate. I don't want anyone to think that God is only good when his gifts look like this (or that...or whatever it is you want in life). He is not limited to our hopes and dreams for ourselves. He wants to give us even better than we imagine. I'm really starting to believe this and see it in my own life!

Thanks for being patient and reading my semi-vague post.

I'll keep you posted ;)

Spirit Day

October 20, 2011 is #SpiritDay  and it is to support LGBT youth in an anti-bullying movement.

Today, I wore my purple shirt in support of this movement. I changed my twitter picture to have a purple cover. I support this movement to end bullying and hatred towards the LGBT community.

The Christian perspective on LGBT men and woman is complicated and extremely messy. I don't have all (or any) of the answers to the questions running through your mind right now. I may never have those answers. But that doesn't mean I won't still love my neighbor, who might be lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender. And it doesn't mean that God doesn't want us to still ask Him those hard questions. It also doesn't mean that he will give us the answers we are looking for (or any "answers" at all, but at least we're in a discussion. I'm not here to judge or be judged, I am here simply to love and learn.

Today is mainly about bringing awareness to the senseless crimes committed against LGBT youth and this is something I will always be against, no matter what my religion. I do not believe that ANYONE should live life in fear simply because of their sexuality. We are called to love one another and that's what I'm trying to do. Love.

Wearing purple as a straight ally for LGBT youth

All the Single Ladies (and Men)..

"Speak Up! No one will know how to help you, if they don't know you need help"

This was a recent  topic at church and it really struck a personal nerve. The previous sermon was about serving the children in our church and community. It was great because our church is called to the children and youth of the neighborhood. But what struck me was the exclusion of the singles in these discussions of family. What about the single, 20-30 year olds (or more) who make up a large portion of the church? What does the word "family" mean for us? Personally, I was struck at how invisible my singleness seems to be to the larger church. I began to feel very frustrated that I "wasn't included" in discussions about the church family. I asked myself, "Would we ever devote an entire sermon to singles like we have with families?" This thought was in a fit of anger, so take it with a grain of salt, but I think the desire behind it is legitimate. I've read a lot of blogs talking about singles in churches and how complicated it can be is for the church to include singles where families are the main focus...so this isn't some radical new topic. But for many of us singles, it's too much of an emotional and complicated issue to be ignored.

So I talked to a few friends to gauge how legit my emotional response was to the sermon (sometimes my emotions are terrible judges of what actions to take). Overall, the response was similar, which made me want to speak up and let them know that this isn't OK and I'm feeling overlooked. We decided to email the leader who gave the sermon to sit down and discuss how we were feeling. We met recently and the discussion was very helpful and eye-opening for everyone.

I can't say what the outcome in the church will look like, but I'm glad that we spoke up and voiced what our concerns are as people in the church who are single and still need support and inclusion. I pray that we find ways to include all the groups who feel overlooked in church and truly make it a family.

I randomly found my old blog (which was only abandoned due to google and me changing my email). It's interesting that I haven't been able to just connect the two...since they are both still me.

Anyways, I wanted to post a link in case you're bored and wanted to know what my thoughts/life was like prior to August 2010. Here's my link: http://partnerofservants.blogspot.com/

As you can see, I have a thing for daisies.

Sing it Out

For the past 6 months, I've been taking singing lessons 2x a month...and I'm in love. I can't imagine not having these lessons to help me grow and be a better singer. The wildest part is that most people have no idea how much I love to sing. I've spent a good majority of my life thinking very little of myself, especially my talents and passions. When I would get excited about a performance or time to shine, it would quickly fade to a thought that goes something like, "Well...I'm not good enough so maybe I shouldn't do it". Cut to me sitting around and watching others do what I longed to do and getting the parts I wanted. I see a lot of performers talk about being told "No" and "You're not good enough" when they were auditioning and my first thought is how little I relate to that feeling. I was so afraid and not confident in myself that I never let anyone say that to me because I rarely (if ever) sang for anyone. In turn, I never auditioned or tried anything. I kept my singing, performing, dancing self in my room where she was safe from any judgement (or audience).

When I finally decided to pursue singing lessons, it was an outlet for me to sing and really learn the technique. Now it's become a way of growing both vocally and spiritually. Who knew I'd find Jesus through my voice? Let me explain.  My instructor is constantly telling me to let go of the control and simply sing. Sounds easier than it actually is because in order to do that, you have to trust that you have the right pitch and enough breath beneath you to support your sound. I rarely have that trust and the sound comes out somewhat strained because I'm trying to control it with my throat (wrong). What do I struggle with in my relationship with God? Control and lack of trust. Hmm, I see what you're doing there God.

I can't really express how much life my singing lessons have brought me. They give me an outlet for expression and release of the things I keep bottled inside most of the time. I experience the world through emotions mainly, and singing is a way of expressing emotions that is so different from written or spoken word. Kristin Chenoweth (Wicked, Glee guest star) once said, "We sing when we can no longer speak" and I find that to be 100% true in my life. Singing is an emotional and physical expression of things we cannot otherwise say. But it has also become a way for me to interact with God. He uses my lessons to teach me things about myself and remind me that I can trust in Him and the "song" will play out as it should.

While nothing concrete is in the works, I'm am going to be singing more (and more in front of people!) so I ask for your prayers and support through the ups and downs that will bring :) I'm looking forward to walking this path of singing and learning for the rest of my life. Whether it's a career or a life-long outlet, I know I'll sing as long as I'm able.

Today I thank God for the gift of music. What are you thankful for today? Where are the places that you're discovering God and you weren't expecting to see Him there?

Editing is hard

I've been trying to edit and complete the video for Chicago but it's taking FOREVER! Reasons being:

1.) I'm easily distracted
2.) I'm fasting for using electronics past 10pm and that significantly lowers the time I have to edit on weekdays
3.) I'm finding new things I can do with the iMovie program each day (which means I learn something new and then basically re-edit what I thought I had completed).

All this to say, I'm really excited about how it's turning out and I'll be sure to let you know once it's done. I'd say maybe 2-3 more weeks.

Chicago? What?

So it's my birthday at the end of this week, and I was initially planning to have a huge dance party on Friday (August 26th). Then I saw something that completely changed my plans. I'm a massive supporter of Team Starkid Productions (which can be found on YouTube here: StarKid Potter) and I also am a huge supporter of my Skype Coach Julia (who is a member/actor in the group). They announced that StarKid is going to put on a fundraiser for a Chicago Charity (Snow City Arts) and it just so happened to be August 27-28th! I spoke with Julia about it after daydreaming of actually flying out and seeing the show..and she said, "Well, I can get you a ticket!". And that was it. Plans were made and birthday gifts were given (thanks Dad!) and now I'm planning to see Chicago for 2.5 days, see the Starkids perform, and actually meet Julia in person! I'm also going to be video recording my trip and making a montage of my time there. I'm super excited! Want to see the video that started it all? Here ya go (hint: that's Julia giving you all the info): http://www.youtube.com/user/StarKidPotter?blend=1&ob=5#p/u/0/vHQlx2zCEwU

So many links, I know! Anyhoo...I'm still having a dance party on Sept. 3rd so come out and dance with me! If you didn't get the evite, let me know and I'll be sure to email you the link! It's gonna be a joint party with Ingrid and myself, so you know it's gonna be fun!!

Once I get back, I'll be editing the video and updating you all :)

Countdown to 25 years of age party weekend... 3....2......1....!!!!!

Random Update: The residents of the school that I work at have returned. It's been another crazy week of working late hours, but the overtime is definitely nice! I'm hoping to be back to "normal" life next week.

Let's be honest...

I recommend you listen to the song as you read the lyrics...
Gungor "Please Be My Strength" (music video linked to title)

I've tried to stand my ground
I've tried to understand
But I can't seem to find my way again.
Like water on the sand
Or grasping at the wind
I keep falling short

Please be my strength
Please be my strength
I don't have anymore.

I'm looking for a place
Where I can plant my Faith
One thing I know for sure
I cannot create it
I cannot sustain it
It's your love that's keeping me
[chorus repeated]

And at my final breath
I hope that I can say
I've fought the good fight of faith
I pray your glory shines
Through this doubting heart of mine
And all would know that You
You are my strength
You and you alone, Keep bringing me back home 

I found this song during a prayer time about a month ago. I had set aside one evening to be alone in my (then) room to pray. I basically spent the entire evening weeping and praying very angry prayers towards God. Eventually, I went on YouTube (of all places) for new worship songs and I found this song. It is such a beautiful, honest, and difficult song for me to listen to because it perfectly describes my attitude towards God. I want to have faith and believe all the things I once did. Yet I find myself doubting and wanting to walk away. I've been tempted to throw in the towel and  ignore God, simply because it's too painful to think about just how let down I am with Him. I've been taught well though...because my knee jerk response  to myself is "God cannot be ignored" or "God hasn't left you" etc.etc. But the truth is, I'm tired and extremely heart-broken. I've been let down more than victorious. I don't have any strength. I'm angry and very bitter...

There are a lot of attributing factors to the state that I'm in. The past 3 years haven't been the best in my life and I've struggled to see goodness in the midst of them. Suffering. Unexplained emergencies. Disappointments. Lack of community. Isolation. All led me down this path to not trusting God and feeling abandoned by most things/people/events in my life, mainly God.

Now I'm trying to walk down the path of healing and recovery because I know, somewhere inside myself, that God is good and loves me...But right now, I honestly don't believe that to be true in my heart of hearts. I've been operating under the notion that God does indeed exist, but I'm not sure if He is as good as I once felt. I've struggled to pray and have hope that God will bring good things in my life. This may be a surprise to those reading this, mainly because it's not something I've been ready to openly deal with or write about. Trust me, I've begun and deleted A LOT of posts about this. Most, however, didn't feel right to share or didn't feel "complete enough" to post. But here I am...

I appreciate your prayers, especially since I haven't prayed in a long time. While I won't be writing everything on such a public stage as this, I will update you as I continue to walk, learn, and explore what I believe in and what to put my faith into.

New & Exciting Can = Scary & Intimidating

There is something that I've noticed when looking back on my life. I have lived most days in fear.

Fear of what people will think, say, believe, not believe, judge or hold against me. I was never bullied in school for being a "bigger" kid or for liking music because I made myself as invisible as possible to avoid it all. My goal was to simply fit in and don't allow anyone to see something in me that could be mocked. I never tried new things or took any risks because I was too afraid of failure. I was too afraid of being mocked and I didn't allow me to be me.

Well...I will no longer live in fear.

I have always enjoyed performing, singing, dancing, creating. I haven't always been outspoken about these loves in my life because I doubted my ability to actually do/be them. I doubted the support I would receive. I was afraid. If there's anything that I've come to discover over the past 6-9 months it's that I care entirely too much what other's think. I hate to admit it, but I am such a people-pleaser that I can push aside my own dreams in order to "please" the people I care about. This isn't always bad, but its certainly not good either. This is my life, right? This life is short and I don't want to look back and think about the things I wish I had done. I want to experience life to the fullest right now, not when it's too late!

So I'm taking charge and pushing past the temptation to please others.
I'm going to try.

(Side Note: This is a pretty cool article about these EXACT feelings: The Top 5 Deathbed Regrets)

All of this is easier said than done and I'm well aware of this struggle. Its still hard for me to think about what I want or to dream for myself. Hence the title of this post. It's exciting to start thinking about my dreams for my life, but it's also scary. What if it doesn't happen? What if I'm not good at it? Is this what I really want? Maybe I should just stay here where it's comfortable....

I will no longer live in fear.

Must put aside doubts 

Push forward towards the life I desire

Break through complacency and into adventure 

I cannot let me hold me down. I will not let me hold me back. 

This past week, I went on my very first audition! I was extremely nervous and repeatedly thought I should quit and avoid the audition. But I knew doing that would erase all the work I've put into not allowing fear of failure dictate my life. So I auditioned...
..and I was rejected.

Success! No, I didn't get the part, heck...I didn't even get a call back. But it wasn't because I stopped myself from trying. And now I have the opportunity to work with the production team and maybe even take some classes/workshops to see if I can hone in a craft with acting techniques! I wouldn't have been offered that without putting myself out there and trying!

So where do I go from here? What's next? How will I continue to try in other things?

• Continue with voice lessons
• Peer mentoring sessions 
• Working on some short films
• Begin my own video projects (music video concepts)
• Allow myself to dream and not in fear

There are other things going on for me spiritually, but I think that's for another post. To anyone who reads this, thank you for being interested in my life and walking with me in this journey. The path hasn't always been straight or easy, but I'm thankful for the continued love and support. 

Cheers! 

OK, let me explain...

So I know that most of you have seen my Facebook page recently and have seen my new favorite actor/singer all over the place. I also know that some have commented on my "obsession" with said person. So I wanted to take the opportunity to talk about this in more detail here, on my blog. You've been warned...

The Fearful Onion & Arthur

I guess I'm in a vulnerable state these days. When I originally began writing this I had just seen the movie "Arthur" and I cried through half of the movie. Isn't it a comedy, you ask? And my response would have to be yes...but it spoke into some pretty sensitive issues and struck a nerve somewhere within my heart. I loved it.

Brief summary of the movie: Rich man must marry stranger in order to keep his riches. He meets and falls for another girl who is simple and therefore must decide between true happiness or his wealth. I'll let you finish the rest.

What spoke to me was his relationship with his "nanny" and just how much he wanted real love in his life. He struggles to choose because deep down he knows that he won't be happy unless he marries the person he truly loves. Honestly, I think I'm drawing more from this film than the filmmakers would have intended, but I do think God used this film to speak to me. I had originally set that afternoon for prayer and reflection, but instead I literally slept for 3 hours and then went on to my evening's plans. It's so late, but God still wanted to bring up these issues within my heart, so I'll hope that my super power nap this afternoon will help support sleep once I finally lay down.

How does all of this connect with anything, you ask? Well, I deeply desire real love in my life too. I desire to be known and loved for all the good and bad that exist within me. This has been a deep desire in my heart for many years and yet the ironic or saddest part of this is that over the past couple of years, I have been closing off to others and moving further away from this desire. I was unaware of this happening in my heart until it was recently brought to my attention... and I'm still recovering from the realization this is actually a struggle for me. After I spoke with my pastor and prayed some about issues I had with my church and my cell group (bible study) I realized how fearful I am to share things about my life with others. If I did have something to share, instead of vocalizing them, I would think "This isn't important enough to share" or "This will be too overwhelming and they won't want me to share again, so I shouldn't tell them about this/that/anything".  These are the lies the enemy has planted so deeply in my mind that I hear them as sane thoughts and believe them to be true. This is how the enemy has silenced me for 3 years. This is how I've lost a lot of what I learned back in college (having friends, confidence, boldness, faith).

Each time I stopped myself from sharing, another brick was added to the growing wall that I have been building around myself. I truly believe this wall has been built, brick by brick, for the past 3 years and is a major reason I often feel unknown and invisible. This is one of the deepest and best hidden layers of my fearful onion...(my fear that I don't matter and no one really cares) I find myself alone surrounded by a massive wall and I wonder why no one is with me. Even though it scares me half to death, I must tear down this wall and open myself up once more to those around me. I cannot let the lies of the enemy control me because it's gone on too long. Part of this process is also re-discovering who I am and what I want for my life. Which leads me to explain why I've been taking weird classes or doing things you might not expect me to take. I figure there's no time like the present and I need to put myself out there (even if I look like a fool). So I'm taking classes to see what I'm good at, what gives me energy and creatively sustains me. I'm open to trying pretty much anything and really experience life, rather than hiding in fear!

This is going to be a long and challenging process. As I read over this post, I wonder why I feel comfortable sharing such an intimate and private struggle with such a public blog...but if I don't share here, I might not share at all. This is something that is fundamental in my relationship with Jesus and I need some accountability from anyone willing to push me towards healing (even if I push back at first..don't give up on me)...because otherwise I would disappear behind my securely built wall, and I don't think that's what Jesus has in mind for me. Thanks for letting me be honest and somewhat rambling...it's all a process.

Blessings <3

It's been an odd mixture of light and dark in my life for the past few months. I haven't written because I don't really know where to begin or how to even end. I literally have 4-5 drafts written for the different things that I've wanted to share, but haven't felt like they were really complete thoughts...so drafts they will remain for now.

I've been thinking a lot about myself lately. Not always in the selfish way but not always in the unselfish way either. Here is a brief recap/highlights of my life over the course of the past few months (roughly chronological):

• I had pretty much mentally decided to no longer attend my current church
• I went on a month-long church rotation to find a different church
• I met great people and saw amazing churches in the greater LA area that got me excited about my future and where God may have me go
• I decided to take voice lessons regularly
• I joined an acting class in Westwood on Sunday mornings (for a month)
• I decided that I needed to at least "try" new things and see if I discover talents I never knew I had
• I ended my church rotation 
• Caused by a stern yet gentle correction from my pastor about my expectations and poor communication; basically I didn't give people a chance
• Through this conversation, many deep rooted sins were discovered
• Basically, I'm an onion. A fearful, layered onion. (More in my next post about this)
• I've been trying to allow me to just be me and it's been wonderful/difficult.
• I've believed so many lies about myself that it's hard to distinguish truth and lies in my own head. 
• I've been able to see how I interact with Jesus and the true nature of our relationship, which isn't perfect.  
• I'm discovering that I like who I am, and I don't need to be ashamed of who I am or things I like
• I've started reading Harry Potter (much to the distress of my mom)
• I'm on the 4th book, hoping to be done by July for the last film! 
• I'm going to try to do more things in front of a camera, so be on the lookout for that! (scary but good!)
• Ultimately, I'm going to stay with Redeemer and allow Jesus to heal some of the major brokenness within my soul through the people and relationships He has given me, even when I don't think there are any relationships...He is showing me that isn't true. 

And now, looking toward this new path God seems to be laying before me, I see many more new adventures as well as more development of my character and identity in Jesus. Oh, and I plan to write a song at some point. I've never done that and it seems like the perfect outlet for some self-expression. If it gets recorded, I'll for sure post it for y'all. 

God is doing something big and I look forward to seeing what fruit comes out of this phase of my life. 

Peace and Blessings. 

The Roads Not Taken

This may be a vague post. Let me apologize right now. :)

I recently had a great conversation with a very wise woman that led me to discover something I've been missing for a while. A spirit of freedom.

I'm finally looking at my life with renewed vision for the future. A year ago, I felt hopeless. I would look into my future and see clouds and fog. Nothing was clear and the road ahead seemed to almost non-existent. So I didn't move ahead because I didn't see where to go.

Now, I'm beginning to see some roads and I'm just trying to decide which road to take.

That's really all I can say at this point. The next month will be very exciting and I'll be happy to share once I know more myself! Please pray that God would guide me down the road and provide me with the time and space to debrief this time with Him.



 

I spell woman Z-i-z-e-s

OK, I confess that this is another Glee blog post...kind of.

You see, this past week in Glee meant more to me than most, if any, other episodes in the series. Another confession: I've watched "Silly Love Songs" at least 4 times since it aired on Tuesday night (and as I write this it's Friday afternoon). Moving on...

What about this episode made it my favorite episode? Was it the adorable new friendship that seems to have formed between Rachel, Mercedes, and Kurt? While I loved that, it's not the reason. Was it the astonishing developments between Blaine and Kurt? Very close because, OH-MY-GOODNESS I loved that. But that's still not it. Simply stated: Lauren Zizes.

Lauren pictured above from a previous episode.

We have seen this character many times throughout the show (as a Vampire, sneeze attack girl, etc.) and at the end of last season, she became a prime time player (sort of) by joining New Directions only to help them have enough performers to compete for Regionals. Since then, the writers have given her more to work with and some of the best lines in each episode. This past week, she became something that no one on Glee has portrayed before. The character who brings the issue of weight and self-confidence. Yes, Mercedes is a confident character, but she isn't shown or described by her weight like Lauren was in this episode. [Side note: the only episode/storyline that angers me was the "tots" episode with Mercedes..so I don't count her in the weight representative role because it's never been a big part of who she is or how she is seen at McKinley High]. Moving on....

Glee is all about the "outcasts" in high school (Glee members, gay students, minorities, etc.) but until now, we hadn't really seen a story about weight & romance. Lauren is a bigger girl, but that's not the only reason I loved this episode. It's because of the character she portrays.

Typically on TV, we see overweight girls be shy/ not confident OR extremely asexual or unattractive to anyone, even themselves. But Lauren, excellently played by Ashley Fink, hasn't turned out to be either of those. Granted, she has changed over the course of her time on Glee to what we saw on Tuesday... but now we have seen a different side of Lauren. She isn't a desperate girl; she even requires Puck (Mark Salling) to "woo" her with more than just a song.

I love her confidence and her ability to be herself no matter what others may say about her. During the performance that Puck gives Lauren (the unfortunately titled "Fat-Bottom Girls") we see all the other girls looking shocked that Puck would sing anything to Lauren. At first, Lauren looked surprised as well, but later we see that she'll need more than just a song to get her to go on a date and she knows she deserves it. [!?!?]  I can't remember another show that had such a strong female character who was "bigger than the usual bunch" and not self-loathing. She is confident and knows what she wants. It's so refreshing to see a strong, larger woman on such a hit show like Glee.

And that's why I love Lauren and why I now spell woman "Z-I-Z-E-S" (Quote from the episode, which you can view here: http://www.fox.com/glee/full-episodes/). I doubt Ashley will even read this, but if she does, I hope she knows that she's brought a wonderful new outlook to Glee and all of us "bigger" girls out there.

Loss

It's been a little under 2 1/2 months since I left my bag on the train. I've gone over and over the details of that day and even the night leading up to my train adventure to think of what I could or  should have done differently.

I wish I had left my retainer at home that weekend.

I wish I hadn't brought my laundry along with me.

I wish I had driven myself.

I wish I had remembered my bag before I left the train.

I could literally go on forever with lists of "wishes" and "regrets". At the moment that I realized I had left my bag on the train, I felt an intense peace about the entire situation. I didn't doubt for a second that it would be returned to me, eventually. When I called the Metrolink service to report it being left on the train, the representative over the phone was positive and mentioned the possibility of getting it back before the end of the weekend (this occurred on the Wednesday prior to Thanksgiving Day). And now, here I am, 2 months later & still no bag in sight. Metrolink said it could take up to a month to get it back to Union Station. So I waited...and waited. I called them just as they closed my case. Bag never recovered.

It's not even about the material things that were lost, most of which I have already replaced. It's about what I cannot replace. Most significant: my retainer. I've had this tiny piece of metal since middle school. My teeth sometimes "move" but my retainer always put them back in place. There was a time in high school when I thought I had lost the retainer and freaked out enough to request a replacement. Well, the dentist couldn't replace it really, but instead made a new model based on how my teeth where shaped then. Eventually, I found my original retainer and always kept this second one as just a "back-up" for the "real" retainer. Well, now my back-up is my only option. It's not as good, and I feel my teeth moving (it's a small change, but still...). Anyways, the point of this whole retainer discussion is to show that I'm still not "over" forgetting my bag. And just when I think I'm over it and can move-on, I'm reminded (every night) as I brush my teeth, that I lost my "good" retainer and the thought cycle repeats with the above statements and regrets.

Maybe this is silly to some and ridiculous to others. But I've spent majority of nights crying in anger before I go to sleep. A couple nights ago, I basically pleaded with God to do a miracle...to bring back my bag! It was a low point.

So, now I post this potentially embarrassing story to ask for your prayers. I want to be freed from this cycle of stress, regret, anger, and sadness. Especially over something that seems as silly as a bag. I realized last night that I need to first ask forgiveness from God for things I said to Him in anger, but then I  need to forgive myself. I'm so angry with myself for being so forgetful and clueless. I don't trust myself with anything valuable now. I'm so afraid that I'll just forget it somewhere. Especially when I travel public transit (which is pretty much everyday going to and from work). I don't want to live in fear of forgetting something else or regret any longer. Thank you for praying for freedom and rebuilding my trust that God will provide what I need, when I need it. I tend to forget that about our Father...

Peace.

Glee Controversy

As many who have gmail and have seen my status recently, I cannot seem to get "Glee" out of my mind. I sing the songs, think about the storylines, obsessively watch old episodes, etc. So when I saw this article about "The Business of Glee" I read it right away. Here is a link to this article in the Hollywood Reporter: Inside the Hot Business of Glee. It's a pretty good article about what making the show is like and gives insight into who does what and how it gets on-air each week. Basic summary: Ryan Murphy does everything! But, all kidding aside, there was a statement that I read which caught me off guard. In the Hollywood Reporter article, Murphy mentions Kings of Leon and how they wouldn't allow for Glee to use their songs to cover. Ryan said, 

" F--- you, Kings of Leon,” he says, raising the volume of his monotonal interview voice ever so lightly. “They’re self-centered assholes, and they missed the big picture. They missed that a 7-year-old kid can see someone close to their age singing a Kings of Leon song, which will maybe make them want to join a glee club or pick up a musical instrument. It’s like, OK, hate on arts education. You can make fun of Glee all you want, but at its heart, what we really do is turn kids on to music.”

What got my attention was how harsh he was towards the band and on such a public level too. Little did I know that it would spark a controversy as it has. I read the article and then it was all over the news! I guess the article was right in it's title "Big Business" of Glee. Here's my thinking: I understand that some people don't like the show. It's perfectly normal considering people's taste in things can vary. Sometimes those people are normal folks like you and me, and sometimes those people are major recording artists who don't want to associate their music with the show. It should have ended there.

But now we have twitter responses and reactions to comments that I would bet money each party would want to take back.

Here is the article I read with the comments made by both parties: Kings of Leon vs. Glee

This shouldn't have been a big deal, but once the "wear a bra" comment was made, it was all over. Especially if we think about how much Glee has showcased bullying and gay students struggling against comments and attacks. How could Ryan Murphy not comment?  Nathan from Kings of Leon, came across as the exact type of person Glee fights against and stands up to, a bully. It made me gasp when I read what he said to Mr. Murphy. It's just a sad situation that shouldn't have ever happened.

Blue Valentine

[Side Note: This was written a couple weeks ago, prior to any awards or nominations, but just recently posted due to editing issues]

I do not claim to be a "movie critic" but occasionally, I have thoughts on a particular movie that I want to share with you. I recently saw the movie "Blue Valentine" starring Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams. The basic plot of the movie is about a couple and their relationship. Sounds like any other film, right?  The tag line for the film reads "A Love Story" which is perfect because that is exactly what it is. This is a movie about how people meet and how their lives progress through challenges and triumphs. Blue Valentine, however, offers a very different view of a relationship because we are told (in previews and plot summaries) that this is about the disintegration of the couple just as much as it is about how they met and all the years in between.


I personally love a good breakup movie, almost as much as I love a well-told love story. This movie offers us both. Ryan Gosling continues to be my favorite actor in his stunning portrayal of Dean, a man with lots of artistic talent but not much motivation to do anything with it. Michelle Williams is also wonderful in the role of Cindy, a woman whose home life eventually became dysfunctional enough for her to realize she was unhappy. She desires more in life than what she already has. The movie skillfully portrays her viewpoint and illustrates the fact that the decisions she makes aren't always her best. Even when she is aware of the risk, she makes a decision anyway and only the audience is lucky enough to see how it plays out in her relationship with Dean immediately afterward. We all know life changes, but rarely do we get to see just how much we will love/hate the outcome instantly like in "Blue Valentine".




The acting is extraordinary. The "look" of the film is beautifully crafted. The editing was also particularly well done (and this isn't usually something I notice when watching a movie). The editing wasn't just a tool to put the pieces together in telling the story, it was a means of telling the story in a way that helped elevate the emotions of a scene or push the plot to a deeper emotional place than it might have been otherwise. Showing both the beginning and end of a relationship (occasionally it's shown simultaneously in the same shot) offers a heartbreaking look at how our emotions can change depending on the context we find ourselves. Love is a fickle friend that can make us believe we are making the right decisions, but if we were to get a glimpse of the future and how those decisions played out...would we choose that same path?

Overall, this movie was compelling and seductive. It grabbed my attention and didn't let go until the credits rolled. I highly recommend this film to all who enjoy a good story told through a fresh perspective. I have included both posters for the film, each showing the different "emotions or feelings" of the film.One dark and gritty, the other sunny and hopeful.

Prayer

It is January and for the Church of the Redeemer, that means it's time for Prayer and Fasting together as a church body. This is to help us focus and be attentive to the things God is doing both in our church community and in the larger LA community that we serve. Since I've moved to LA and joined Redeemer, this time has been both a challenge and a gift. This year, I'm hoping to experience something entirely new in my prayer and fasting times. I'm hoping to experience Jesus in a way that I can't say I ever have before. I want intimacy and deep healing from Jesus. I have recently been reminded just how broken and lost I feel. I feel a hole within my heart that continues to grow. I've been searching for something and not finding it. I wish I could say I have always known that I was searching for Jesus, but I can't. Sometimes I replace Jesus with ________ (food, friends, etc.). Instead of looking for more Jesus in my life, I look for more food. I look for more time with friends. Well, now I want to look for more time with Jesus...

So, as I pray and fast not only for my family and my neighborhood, I will also be praying and expecting Jesus to show-up for me.

Please join me in prayer as I wait expectantly for Jesus to come into my life in a way that is completely new and refreshing to my soul.

Peace.

Not twisted & hollow...

Last night I was called an extreme "J".

I had never been told that before and yet it's so true. I freak out when plans change, especially super last minute and I have no way of planning something else. Over the years, I've grown and not always show these feelings of frustration on the outside, but internally...I'm freaking out.

My mother has known this about me ever since I was little. My grandma used to babysit me when we still lived in Fontana and my mom worked full-time. So each morning we had a routine. We drove the same roads day in and day out. Eventually I learned the roads and turns we would take going to grandma's house. Plus it was a daily trip, so I knew each morning meant getting ready to go to grandma's and taking those same roads. But there would be the occasional visit to a Tia's house, or stop by some store before going to grandma's house...and from what I've been told my mom dreaded the point that I realized things were different. The moment I saw that we turned left instead of right, or continued straight instead of stopping to park, it was all over. I would immediately ask where we were going and why we weren't going to grandma's house as I had mentally planned. Tears and little kid panic attacks ensued.

It throws me off (then and now) and I have a hard time getting back on track and being ok with what is ultimately out of my control.

Honestly, I still struggle with this issue. Needing order and plans shows a deep lack of trust in God and His plans (this I know from my time in Servant Partners). Life isn't always "plan-able" because things happen. People forget or overbook themselves, I lose track of time, I snooze one to many times on my alarm and now need to rush to make it on time, etc. Life is unexpected and that's hard for me.

What's funny to me is how different my mom and brother are in this regard. They live in the moment and are some of the most flexible people I know. My brother is more of a "planner" than my mom but he still goes with the flow of life pretty easily (I guess in comparison to me). I'm so thankful that they are willing to be flexible for me as well as accommodate my needs for a plan when they can. This concept of a plan comes up a lot for my mom and myself because we are so drastically different. She would be fine without a plan at all and just see where the day takes her. When I tell people that I'm going home to see her, they usually ask "What are you going to do?" and I have learned to say (and be ok with saying) I'm not sure. Sometimes this works out and the weekend goes perfectly, and other times there is some argument or frustration from one/both of us about how we spend our time. Thankfully, we are very aware of this aspect of our relationship and have learned how to deal with it when it comes up.

I tell you this because over the past 24 hours I have seen the high and low of my  "J" personality.

Yesterday, I planned to use my car for a Target trip and then use some extra time to journal, pray, or something introverted like that.

At 4:30 I get a text that my car is needed as plans had changed.

OK, I can handle that. Maybe this will give me opportunity to use my Wii Fit at home since everyone would be gone (according to this new "plan").

I get home and basically nothing was as I had thought it would be. What that meant was I could not go about the plans I had just made... and I was stuck at home with no (3rd) plan.

Low point reached. 

I couldn't even control the tears at this point.

Looking back, it's silly. I can totally see that I took things too far and should've just been patient and wait to see what was going to happen, but that just wouldn't be me. Instead, I freaked out and couldn't function for about 45 minutes. I closed my door, cried, and then tried to calm myself down enough to make another plan for how I would spend my Friday night.
 Eventually, things calmed down at my house and I did get to use my Wii Fit for an entire hour! I even walked to a local Sushi place and got dinner for myself. At the end of the day, it was a great Friday and if I were a more flexible person it would have been uneventful.

Today has been my chance to "ultra plan" my day and be more productive than I have been in a long time! It did start out kinda rough because I snoozed my alarm for taking Sarah to the airport and had only 10 minutes once I did wake-up to be ready to take her to LAX. But it's been uphill from there.

 I drove back home and took a shower, got breakfast, drove to Thousand Oaks, saw the movie "Blue Valentine", washed my car (vacuumed the inside even), and now I'm sitting at a cafe writing this all out while my computer charges my phone. I feel so accomplished and happy because of the day that I have had.

High point reached! (Smiley face)


I promise that I am trying to be better about planning and being ok with spontaneous changes. I'm still on a journey to learn how to be more like a red-vine (Flexible and bendable, not twisted and hollow). Let's hope this weekend goes well :)

Blessings to each of you!