Not twisted & hollow...

Last night I was called an extreme "J".

I had never been told that before and yet it's so true. I freak out when plans change, especially super last minute and I have no way of planning something else. Over the years, I've grown and not always show these feelings of frustration on the outside, but internally...I'm freaking out.

My mother has known this about me ever since I was little. My grandma used to babysit me when we still lived in Fontana and my mom worked full-time. So each morning we had a routine. We drove the same roads day in and day out. Eventually I learned the roads and turns we would take going to grandma's house. Plus it was a daily trip, so I knew each morning meant getting ready to go to grandma's and taking those same roads. But there would be the occasional visit to a Tia's house, or stop by some store before going to grandma's house...and from what I've been told my mom dreaded the point that I realized things were different. The moment I saw that we turned left instead of right, or continued straight instead of stopping to park, it was all over. I would immediately ask where we were going and why we weren't going to grandma's house as I had mentally planned. Tears and little kid panic attacks ensued.

It throws me off (then and now) and I have a hard time getting back on track and being ok with what is ultimately out of my control.

Honestly, I still struggle with this issue. Needing order and plans shows a deep lack of trust in God and His plans (this I know from my time in Servant Partners). Life isn't always "plan-able" because things happen. People forget or overbook themselves, I lose track of time, I snooze one to many times on my alarm and now need to rush to make it on time, etc. Life is unexpected and that's hard for me.

What's funny to me is how different my mom and brother are in this regard. They live in the moment and are some of the most flexible people I know. My brother is more of a "planner" than my mom but he still goes with the flow of life pretty easily (I guess in comparison to me). I'm so thankful that they are willing to be flexible for me as well as accommodate my needs for a plan when they can. This concept of a plan comes up a lot for my mom and myself because we are so drastically different. She would be fine without a plan at all and just see where the day takes her. When I tell people that I'm going home to see her, they usually ask "What are you going to do?" and I have learned to say (and be ok with saying) I'm not sure. Sometimes this works out and the weekend goes perfectly, and other times there is some argument or frustration from one/both of us about how we spend our time. Thankfully, we are very aware of this aspect of our relationship and have learned how to deal with it when it comes up.

I tell you this because over the past 24 hours I have seen the high and low of my  "J" personality.

Yesterday, I planned to use my car for a Target trip and then use some extra time to journal, pray, or something introverted like that.

At 4:30 I get a text that my car is needed as plans had changed.

OK, I can handle that. Maybe this will give me opportunity to use my Wii Fit at home since everyone would be gone (according to this new "plan").

I get home and basically nothing was as I had thought it would be. What that meant was I could not go about the plans I had just made... and I was stuck at home with no (3rd) plan.

Low point reached. 

I couldn't even control the tears at this point.

Looking back, it's silly. I can totally see that I took things too far and should've just been patient and wait to see what was going to happen, but that just wouldn't be me. Instead, I freaked out and couldn't function for about 45 minutes. I closed my door, cried, and then tried to calm myself down enough to make another plan for how I would spend my Friday night.
 Eventually, things calmed down at my house and I did get to use my Wii Fit for an entire hour! I even walked to a local Sushi place and got dinner for myself. At the end of the day, it was a great Friday and if I were a more flexible person it would have been uneventful.

Today has been my chance to "ultra plan" my day and be more productive than I have been in a long time! It did start out kinda rough because I snoozed my alarm for taking Sarah to the airport and had only 10 minutes once I did wake-up to be ready to take her to LAX. But it's been uphill from there.

 I drove back home and took a shower, got breakfast, drove to Thousand Oaks, saw the movie "Blue Valentine", washed my car (vacuumed the inside even), and now I'm sitting at a cafe writing this all out while my computer charges my phone. I feel so accomplished and happy because of the day that I have had.

High point reached! (Smiley face)


I promise that I am trying to be better about planning and being ok with spontaneous changes. I'm still on a journey to learn how to be more like a red-vine (Flexible and bendable, not twisted and hollow). Let's hope this weekend goes well :)

Blessings to each of you!