Commitment

"You are just afraid of commitment" 

A friend of mine said this to me back when we were in college and it was bizarre to hear those words said about me to my face. I never considered myself a person who feared commitment, but ever since she called that out in me, I have been able to see it more and more. I could never commit to just one favorite actor, one favorite food, not even one favorite type of music. (Hint: I basically have no favorites because everything is my favorite, except Jensen Ackles..he's FOR SURE my favorite.) I still struggle with this to this day! As I've written in past posts, I've had a lot of options laid before me in terms of what my next steps might be and I find myself stuck. I'm unable to commit to one option for fear that one of the others would be the better choice. There is always that lingering question of, "What if..." that ties me down.

I'm not sure how much this plays into my fear of commitment, but I also find that my interests vary and that I have waves of high interest and low interest within each aspect of my life. Some months I love YouTube and I watch all my subscriptions each week...and some months I couldn't be bothered to even login and see what videos are being made. This is true also when I think about my job (love it...and also kinda hate it), my education goals, dating...you get the picture.

Even this quote scares the crap out of me. 

However, I've decided that it's high time for me to actually choose one thing and stick with  it regardless of the outcome. And I choose YOU blog readers! I'm committing myself to writing more often and consistently on this blog and see where this road takes me. Could I focus on other projects/desires? Yes...but I have always loved writing on this blog and writing in general so it makes the most sense to continue doing what I love.

In all honesty, even as I type this sentence my brain is saying, "What about YouTube? Or what about going back to school?! What about _____" but I'm just going to place those on another shelf for another time. If something changes, I'll pursue whatever comes up.

What I ask of you is accountability. Keep me in line if you haven't heard from me! Remind me of my commitment when I whine about not knowing what to do with my time/life. I want this to be as communal as a blog can be! Join me on this journey :)

Here's to commitment!

When Doctors Attack

Feeling violated by a doctor is never good.

I recently visited my doctor for a yearly checkup to make sure everything is in the right place and working as it should, you know being an adult and all. My normal doctor was out on maternity leave so I settled for another doctor because I didn't want to put this off any longer. There are a few issues that I've needed to have addressed by a doctor so I went ahead and made the appointment.

The day of the appointment came and I was feeling pretty good and excited to see what the doctor would have to say.

I walked in and agreed to a few procedures that I had been avoiding, and walked into the exam room. The nurse told me the doctor would be in soon...she said that he would be right in. HE. I specifically asked for a female doctor. I turned towards her as she was about to walk out and stopped her by asking, "Wait...it's a guy?"  YES. This was the beginning of the quick downward fall of this horrible doctors visit.

After several extremely anxious minutes, he walked in and greeted me semi-coldly, as I sat in my gown completely vulnerable. He was pleasant enough, but he moved very quickly to rush me through the procedures and not listening to what I had to say about a single thing. While this upsets me now, at the time, I felt powerless and simply allowed it to happen. The exam was uncomfortable and awkward enough and I basically went inside myself to hide. I didn't have any thoughts or words come to mind that I could say to him about how horrible he was treating me. He was doing something very personal and yet he gave me no warning and insisted on talking about the weight loss options Kaiser offers compared to surgery as he is completing the exam. No. Don't do this. I'm fine with being touched because you are a doctor and there is a nurse in the room to oversee what you are doing. But I would appreciate you telling me what the hell you are doing instead of discussing the weight loss shakes or classes as you touch my chest and other areas.

I did tear up after it was over and he asked if I was alright. I told him I was embarrassed (which I regret saying) and he casually said what I never want to hear a doctor say to any patient ever again: "It's okay. I'm a doctor". This in NO WAY makes it alright for you to treat a patient so robotically and emotionless. Don't get me wrong, I've seen enough Grey's Anatomy episodes to know that doctors do need to guard their own hearts against all of the ugliness in their job (illness, death, etc.) but this was an exam that needed some sympathy and less mechanics.

I'm much better now than I was as I walked out of the exam room. I felt the need to share this completely personal post to anyone reading my blog because I want you to know what I didn't at the time. Stand up for yourself. Speak up and request what you are going to need in order to be comfortable and feel okay about the situation. What that doctor did wasn't professional and he made me feel violated. Don't let this happen to you. My mom gave me some advice that I'm going to offer you now: If you aren't comfortable... tell someone and change it. Make a different appointment, request a new doctor, speak up!

Our words have value and we are worth the extra time/staff that it takes to give us a proper visit with our health care providers.

Surprised by Joy

Faith Friday is where I post my thoughts, opinions, frustrations, and fears regarding Christianity, God, and everything in between. 

I recently purchased C.S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters (along with Mere Christianity and Surprised by Joy) at a local $5 book store near my mom's place. I had heard from previous roommates how much they enjoyed reading his work and figured I would check it out. I found this book (with all three texts!) for $3. WIN. 

I began reading The Screwtape Letters first but found it helpful not to "binge" read those so that I can have more time to fully understand what he's saying in each letter. I love how Screwtape's words mean one thing for him and something completely different for me. His enemy is my God. His sadness is my prayer. I sometimes have to re-read parts of each letter to know what is being communicated. I do enjoy seeing humor in these letters as well as sorrow and temptations that our Enemy places in our lives to throw us off course. 

I have actually been enjoying Surprised by Joy the most because it's his own conversion story told by him! I am a slow reader so I haven't gotten very far into his story but his writing feels very familiar and comfortable to me. I feel as though I'm reading a letter he wrote to me about his childhood and what memories he has of his brother, his family, and what his background was before becoming a christian. I appreciate hearing about this part of his life because it adds so much rich texture to him as a person and allows me to know him as a person. It's so interesting to see how someone who had no real religious background become such a strong voice in Christianity and hear how he converts from atheism to the faith. 

As someone who feels very between the lines of Christianity and non-believers, I am looking forward to continuing this journey with Mr. Lewis and hearing what brought him to be the man he became. 

I'm going to save Mere Christianity for a later time when I can really be present to the text. I'm not sure my current mindset is really going to absorb all that Lewis has to offer from that one. So that'll be for future posts :) 

Excited to post my thoughts on here when I'm finished! Check back later for more updates with the label: Surprised by Joy. 

New Installment: Faith Fridays

Happy Fourth of July! While this post isn't going to be remotely patriotic, I did want to mention that today is our nation's independence day. While my relationship to America is a love/hate one, I can recognize that today is a day to celebrate being an American.  Star-spangled banner, fireworks, BBQ.... other American keywords. Okay, moving on!

I really want to be better about communicating with God as well as work on my writing, so I'm going to combine the two on this blog. Today is the beginning of a series I'm calling Faith Fridays! I'm excited to see what it becomes for me personally and for anyone reading along.

Faith Friday is where I post my thoughts, opinions, frustrations, and fears regarding Christianity, God, and everything in between. 

God,

I don't like going to church anymore, and for that I am sorry. Honestly, I'm not sure I've ever truly enjoyed church. I remember growing up and having my mom tell me that I had to attend and somewhere in the midst of that conversation I felt this huge wave of guilt wash over me. Something inside was telling me that I HAD to go... or else I was a bad person. No one actually said those words to me (at least not that I remember) but it felt very real and very true. Actually being at church didn't really have an affect on my faith or beliefs. What I remember the most about church back then was that everyone was nice to my family (and that's about it).

In college I felt an urge to find a church group, mainly because that's who I felt would be the nicest to me. You helped me find that group and I did flourish in those years. I felt You were near by and finally felt that you were real. I felt loved by my community and by You. But I didn't have a regular church that I attended and that was alright with me. Although I went to random churches each week, this group sort of became my "church". Churches gave me what I needed in the moment, but no lasting relationships to anyone outside my college group.

Let's skip those messy and regretful post-college internship years. I'd like to pretend they didn't happen for You and I. It's easier that way.  

Now church is something I still know I should attend, but God... which one? Where are you? Where will I be included in a community of people who are striving to be better and learn your word? Where will they not hate on the group of people that I love (lgbt)? I'm not interested in political sermons. I'm not interested in hate spread in Your name. I am interested in feeling loved again. I am interested in creating friendships and bonds with others who want to feel loved too. There has to be a place where those things coexist.

So I keep searching. Eventually I'll find You.

Amen.

So Many Things

I've come to realize that I have very eclectic interests and that's starting to make me lose my mind. Being someone who spends a good amount of time online (mainly social media) I find myself thinking about the following things in the span of...oh...5 minutes with the relentless updates and postings:

I see a link for Fan Studies: A Call for Papers regarding Netflix:
I think: "I should write an essay on ______ and submit it to possibly be published!"

Creation Entertainment (runs the Supernatural Conventions) releases tickets for another convention that I really want to attend:
I think: "Man, I would love to go."
Friends Online Say: "You should go! Meet us there!"
I say: "....OKAY! and schedule buying tickets"

Watch a You Tuber vlog about the past weekend's VidCon:
I think: "Man, I miss making YouTube videos. I really should start that up again"

See a post on Facebook (or an Ad) for Graduate Schools:
I think: "I need to research Media Studies programs and figure out which school I want to attend!"

Remembers about all the stuff I could sell online that is sitting in my room:
I think: "Oh yea, I need to track ebay and see what I could get for these things"

These thoughts literally just occurred to me in the last 30 minutes and I'm pretty sure I'm losing my mind because of them. It's all so much to think about on top of actually working (crazy thought, right?) and thinking about my friends, my family, eating food, breathing....you get the idea. People wonder why I can't remember things as well as I used to and all I can say in response is: See Above.

It's this cycle of thinking that creates a barrier between knowing what I want to pursue and actually pursuing them. It's hard to focus on one thing when there are so many things that might work for me. It might be good to consider writing more seriously. It might be good to go back to school for Media Studies. It might be good to make more videos and pursue YouTube more seriously. But how do I do them all? Am I supposed to pick just one? I mean, if that's the answer then I'll figure it out; But as many times as I ask the question, I have yet to receive an answer.

What questions are you asking that you don't feel are getting answered? Maybe we aren't asking the right questions? Let me know in the comments below!