Be Still and know I am.

My blog feels very different than most of the blogs that I read and I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. I don't have "popular" posts about fashion/skin care but I do share insights and thoughts that I have about life and all it's ups and downs hoping that whoever reads it will know that you aren't alone. Sometimes I write to express myself, other times I write to share my love for a show or actor, and sometimes I write my observations about life in general. I can't say much other than this is the blog that I want to have and I can't be something that I'm not.

All this to say, thanks for sticking with me and if you're still reading this...I appreciate your time and attention ;)

This week I wanted to share a song with you that has helped me get through the stressful and depressing days that I've experienced recently. Without going into too many details, depression isn't something that just goes away when you start to feel "a little bit better". In my personal experience, I have good days and I have very bad days. Thankfully I'm at the point where the good outweigh the bad.

In my bad days, I often search out things that will encourage me or make me "feel better". Typically it's my favorite TV show but music comes in a close second in terms of what I seek for comfort. I recently discovered the song "Be Still" by The Fray.

No matter how hurt I am with the church, my friends, or myself...my Creator does bring me comfort when it feels as though I'm completely alone in the world. I need to turn to Him more and this song helps remind me of that fact.

I'll write out the lyrics on the bottom of the page. I encourage you to read them while listening to the song for the first time. Then, listen a second time with your eyes closed. Allow our Creator to speak through the song. Take deep breaths. Calm your mind. This was my process of listening to the song and immediately I began to cry. I needed to hear this song in my darkest moment so that I could be reminded that I'm not alone. The lyric that stood out the most to me is "If no one is standing beside you...be still and know I am".

Be still and know I am.

I hope that you do take a moment to listen and allow peace to calm your soul, even for just 3 minutes of your day.

Be still and know that I'm with you 

Be still and know that I am here. 

Be still and know that I'm with you

Be still, Be still, and know. 

When Darkness comes upon you

And colors you with fear and shame

Be still and know that I'm with you

And I will say your name. 

If terror falls upon your bed

and sleep no longer comes

Remember all the words I said

Be still, be still, and know

And when you go through the valley

And the shadow comes down from the hill

If morning never comes to be

Be still, be still, be still 

If you forget the way to go

And lose where you came from 

If no one is standing beside you 

Be still and know I am. 

Be still and know that I'm with you

Be still and know I am. 

Until we meet again...

Today's post isn't fun or silly. Today I write from a solemn and somber place in my heart. I want this blog to be a mixture of both happy and sad (and all that's in the middle) because isn't that how we all experience life? 

Today is also another installment of Faith Friday in the form of a lament to God about life and loss. 

I'm not entirely sure how to write this post or the "right" words to say. Death is never something I like discussing or thinking about because it's scary, sad, overwhelming, and ultimately unknown. As much as I would love to pretend death never happens, life always reminds me that this just isn't true. Unfortunately this week was another reminder of this fact.

This week we lost a dear friend to cancer.

I can't help but mourn for those he left behind. That's usually my focus when faced with death; not on those who have left but on those who have to stay behind and miss them. I experienced this when my grandma passed away and I , along with my whole family, struggled through the sadness and grief.  I experienced this in high school when a friend passed away and we had to finish out senior year without her.

My faith tells me that they are in a better place with you The Father...but my heart is selfish and wants them to stay with me forever. I'm so touched and impressed by the people closest to the situation who remain faithful and depend only on strength from God to continue each day. I can only hope that if placed in the same situation I would do the same.

For those who are mourning and having a difficult time, you are not alone. We all mourn with one another in solidarity and miss what we no longer have in this life. I pray that you will find rest and peace as time passes and as God reveals His Glory and Love to us in our own personal ways. Be with us and sustain us oh Lord. Please give us the strength we need each day. We cannot do it alone.

I wanted to end this post with a quote that was written in a facebook group for our dear friend after we were told of his passing. It stood out to me and has brought me solace each day since I first read it:

May the road rise up to meet you. 

May the wind be always at your back. 

May the sun shine warm upon your face. 

And the rain fall soft upon your field. 

And until we meet again, until we meet again...

May God hold you in the palm of His hand. 

Surprised by Joy

Faith Friday is where I post my thoughts, opinions, frustrations, and fears regarding Christianity, God, and everything in between. 

I recently purchased C.S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters (along with Mere Christianity and Surprised by Joy) at a local $5 book store near my mom's place. I had heard from previous roommates how much they enjoyed reading his work and figured I would check it out. I found this book (with all three texts!) for $3. WIN. 

I began reading The Screwtape Letters first but found it helpful not to "binge" read those so that I can have more time to fully understand what he's saying in each letter. I love how Screwtape's words mean one thing for him and something completely different for me. His enemy is my God. His sadness is my prayer. I sometimes have to re-read parts of each letter to know what is being communicated. I do enjoy seeing humor in these letters as well as sorrow and temptations that our Enemy places in our lives to throw us off course. 

I have actually been enjoying Surprised by Joy the most because it's his own conversion story told by him! I am a slow reader so I haven't gotten very far into his story but his writing feels very familiar and comfortable to me. I feel as though I'm reading a letter he wrote to me about his childhood and what memories he has of his brother, his family, and what his background was before becoming a christian. I appreciate hearing about this part of his life because it adds so much rich texture to him as a person and allows me to know him as a person. It's so interesting to see how someone who had no real religious background become such a strong voice in Christianity and hear how he converts from atheism to the faith. 

As someone who feels very between the lines of Christianity and non-believers, I am looking forward to continuing this journey with Mr. Lewis and hearing what brought him to be the man he became. 

I'm going to save Mere Christianity for a later time when I can really be present to the text. I'm not sure my current mindset is really going to absorb all that Lewis has to offer from that one. So that'll be for future posts :) 

Excited to post my thoughts on here when I'm finished! Check back later for more updates with the label: Surprised by Joy. 

New Installment: Faith Fridays

Happy Fourth of July! While this post isn't going to be remotely patriotic, I did want to mention that today is our nation's independence day. While my relationship to America is a love/hate one, I can recognize that today is a day to celebrate being an American.  Star-spangled banner, fireworks, BBQ.... other American keywords. Okay, moving on!

I really want to be better about communicating with God as well as work on my writing, so I'm going to combine the two on this blog. Today is the beginning of a series I'm calling Faith Fridays! I'm excited to see what it becomes for me personally and for anyone reading along.

Faith Friday is where I post my thoughts, opinions, frustrations, and fears regarding Christianity, God, and everything in between. 

God,

I don't like going to church anymore, and for that I am sorry. Honestly, I'm not sure I've ever truly enjoyed church. I remember growing up and having my mom tell me that I had to attend and somewhere in the midst of that conversation I felt this huge wave of guilt wash over me. Something inside was telling me that I HAD to go... or else I was a bad person. No one actually said those words to me (at least not that I remember) but it felt very real and very true. Actually being at church didn't really have an affect on my faith or beliefs. What I remember the most about church back then was that everyone was nice to my family (and that's about it).

In college I felt an urge to find a church group, mainly because that's who I felt would be the nicest to me. You helped me find that group and I did flourish in those years. I felt You were near by and finally felt that you were real. I felt loved by my community and by You. But I didn't have a regular church that I attended and that was alright with me. Although I went to random churches each week, this group sort of became my "church". Churches gave me what I needed in the moment, but no lasting relationships to anyone outside my college group.

Let's skip those messy and regretful post-college internship years. I'd like to pretend they didn't happen for You and I. It's easier that way.  

Now church is something I still know I should attend, but God... which one? Where are you? Where will I be included in a community of people who are striving to be better and learn your word? Where will they not hate on the group of people that I love (lgbt)? I'm not interested in political sermons. I'm not interested in hate spread in Your name. I am interested in feeling loved again. I am interested in creating friendships and bonds with others who want to feel loved too. There has to be a place where those things coexist.

So I keep searching. Eventually I'll find You.

Amen.