The holidays bring up both good and bad memories, especially as the new year approaches and we begin to reflect back on the year that is ending and look ahead for the year to come.
Recently my roommates and I were thinking about the past year and all that God has done. While listening to their reflections, I was reminded of the past year I've had with God. It was just about a year ago that I had a "healing prayer" session that began a series of events that led to a dark time in my faith. I felt that God brought up some deep rooted issues during the session and then didn't provide me with the support to follow it up. I felt abandoned and uncared for on all counts. It was one of the most difficult, lonely, and challenging experiences I have had with God and with the people involved. I specifically remember contemplating leaving the faith, doubting my belief in God and questioning His love for me.
The next day was the Thanksgiving Dinner for Church of the Redeemer and I felt like the world around me continued while I was frozen; stuck in a dark and lonely place. I went to the dinner, talked with 1 or 2 people and then I left right before the testimonies began ( because I was in no place to hear testimonies about God).
Christmas came and I felt very sad. I felt as though something was missing from my life but I didn't know what it was or if I wanted it ever again. I went to church and each week I cried. I was sad that I wasn't experiencing God the same way the people around me were. I was sad because something I had once believed in was no longer part of my life.
And then God spoke.
I've already written about this in previous posts, but I feel the need to share in brief again. God spoke to me through an image that communicated to me just how much Jesus loved me and wanted to lift me up, if only I would allow Him. And now, almost 10 months later, I am just getting back into a trusting and meaningful relationship with Jesus again. I'm a weak and broken person who initially trusts people (and God) but after that trust has been broken it's extremely difficult for me to trust again, even with my Heavenly Father. It's foolishness (I know) to think that I'm in any way in control of my life or that Jesus is looking for my approval. I know He isn't. But I also know that He wants to love me and wants me to give all control and trust to Him and Him alone. I just have to decide to do it.
It's taken 10+ months to believe God is real to me again. 10 months to muster up the courage to trust again. And yet I find a lingering sense of doubt within me. Staying here in LA has been a lot of ups and downs relationally with the people around me and with God. I'm learning a lot about who I am and who God wants me to be...and trying to figure out how to trust again.
I'm so thankful for my cell group and the seed that it is. I believe it's a seed that God has planted in my life to begin growth and healing from the broken and bitter past I've had. I'm thankful that this year's Thanksgiving Dinner with my church looks to be one filled with renewed joy and hope as we begin to journey to Christmas. I'm looking forward to church services with tears of joy and praise. Such a different place than last year, and praise God for that!
