I know I've written about this a lot on this blog but writing helps and this is my outlet for all things writing. This is yet another post regarding depression and loneliness, both which have had a strong hold over me in the past 2 weeks.
I have been writing and rewriting this entry so many times that I almost can't keep all the versions separate anymore. My first draft focused on the concept of "best friends" and how much resentment I have against that term and anyone lucky enough to have someone they call their "best" friend. Best. Above the rest. It's all very bothersome to me. But I couldn't flesh out more than just jealous feelings and didn't want to sit in that too long.
So I scrapped it and started reflecting on why I feel invisible/disposable to my friends because it has been a constant theme in my long term depression timeline, but also felt very strongly these past 2 weeks. The image of Jack Frost from the movie "Rise of the Guardians" flashed in my mind and I began to cry. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend you do! Without giving too much of the main story away, I want to explain why Jack Frost made me tear up. You see, he's invisible to children because they don't believe he's real. Now, I don't need children to believe I'm real in order to be seen, but I do understand Jack's pain at being ignored or seen as less than significant than others. In the movie, characters like Santa Claus, the easter bunny, and even the tooth fairy can be seen by those who believe in them. And although they can't see him, Jack still plays with kids and gives them snow days so that at least he can bring them some joy regardless of his invisibility.
"They won't remember me". "I could disappear and no one would notice". This is something I have long believed about myself; So much so that it's honestly difficult to see it as false. It's my reality most of the time. I keep to myself when there is a problem and typically find something to soothe me (food, internet, TV, etc.) instead of asking for help from friends or family.
So this blog post is my [very public] request for those of you I call friends to check-in every once in a while. I know we're all busy and have schedules and calendars booked from here until Christmas 2020 it seems...but I'm a forgetful person and often forget anyone really cares about me. In fact, my general self-talk tells me that everyone else has a best friend or someone who looks out for them specifically (like a boyfriend or husband) and I don't...therefore I must not be important enough. So I need to be reminded, even with a simple text or email, that I'm visible. I feel very awkward talking about this so publicly and making this request, but I'm going to post it and not listen to all the thoughts in my head telling me this is selfish.
I'm not entirely sure what to say now.
I do want you to know that I'm going to continue to try and be better at reaching out to all of you as well. You are important to me and I see you. I know friendship is a two-way street and I hold myself responsible for my end of the deal.
I'll leave you with this beautiful picture a fan drew that is inspired by the Disney movie "Big Hero 6". We all could use a squishy hug with Baymax, right? If you haven't seen this movie, watch "Rise of the Guardians", and then immediately this one. It's adorable.
