Letter to my Brother

Today my brother turns 24 years old and I would like to write him a (very public) letter of celebration on his big day!

Josh: You are probably still sleeping (living the Scripty life!) but I want to wish you a very happy 24th birthday. You have had a crazy year and I wanted to remind you of all you've accomplished and experienced this year.

You moved to LA and made the dream a reality by finally leaving Thousand Oaks. You met with a bunch of people who have helped to guide and motivate you towards working on being a Script Supervisor full-time. You might not believe it, but you are a very motivated person and I'm constantly impressed by the effort you put into finding work, building your resume, and networking.

You are one of the funniest people that I know. Sometimes the way you tell a joke (that you heard from a comedian) is WAY funnier that how the comedian said it!

You got to work with Matt LeBlanc AND Samuel Larson ;) You are big time now. I'll have my people call Spielberg's people, so they can confirm with your people and we'll set something up.

You are a gentleman and such a good man. I am proud to say you're my brother when I think about how you view and treat women. It is SO rare to find a guy who values and respects women the way that you do. Never lose that.

Although I am constantly reminding you that success doesn't come right away for everyone (Jon Hamm, Oprah) you do inspire me to work harder to achieve my own goals/dreams simply because you are doing it for yourself and you are making a living in the industry that you love. I don't know too many people who can say that about their own lives.

I love you immensely and I can't wait to see where life takes you in your 24th year. I'm glad I get to watch it all happen for someone so deserving of all the good life has to offer. I'm so utterly proud to call you my brother.

Love you 'lil brudder.

Ever since I first saw this picture online I've wanted to do a blog update using it as the prompt. So I'm going to make it a regular  part of my blog updates. It's helpful to reflect and do a self-check every-so-often.

I was... depressed for much of the last year. It's an odd feeling because I still think those fears and self-doubts are existing within me, but I feel much more hopeful than I did at my deepest/darkest point. Hope has been a key aspect of regaining myself and seeing light in the world.

I am...very happy to be living in Culver. It's been something that I've wanted for a long time and now that its become real I'm ecstatic!! It's a cool place with a lot to explore. Everything I imagined (so far) it would be.

I think... that I'm going to research grad schools again. I can't get the thought out of my head, so I might as well see what is out there (other than the school that shall not be named...because it's evil).

I wonder... how different life will look in 1 year. What about 5 years? Where will I be? Who will I be friends with? Will I be single? Who will have a few kids by then?

I wish... that TV characters were real. Need I explain further?

I save... my old Nsync pictures/memorabilia because I literally can't part with them. They are part of my childhood and adolescence.

I always... wake up early on the weekends and I never... wake up on time for work. The struggle is real.

I can't imagine... moving to another country. I have so many friends that have done just that and it's hard for me to picture myself doing it. There aren't too many places that I would even want to live outside of the U.S. but there are a few (Amsterdam & maybe London). Who knows? Maybe I'll join my buddies and become an international resident. ;)

I believe... very little of what people say to me. It's a problem really. Defense mechanism for sure, but it's gotten me into more trouble than it has "protected me" from people.

I promise... to not give up. As much as I am tempted to (in basically all aspects of life) I will continue to fight and keep going.

I love... writing. Thanks for reading my thoughts on my little space of the internet. <3

I'll Be There For You...

Raise your hand if you grew up believing your best friends would look like the cast photo above.

*Raises both hands* 

I wonder how many of us would keep those hands raised when asked if those beliefs actually became reality? 

[Warning: No answers to life's tough questions can be found in this post. Simply this girl's thoughts and feelings]

Friendship is a hard thing. It's a relationship that takes work, trust, honesty, and communication. Some friendships last forever and some only for a season. Personally I tend to be a hard friend for people to keep because I'm constantly doubting the intentions of those around me and that's no place to nurture trust. Oh, I know I have issues! I don't have a lot of experience being a friend. It's a fairly recent experience for me since I didn't have any true friends until college. That's where I finally began hanging out with people. I was invited to dinner and hang outs and began having a social life. People even came to my dorm/apartment simply to chat. It was a completely new experience and I quickly learned that I was NOT good at it. I kept asking myself, "Why do they keep coming over?" or "What do they want?" but the answer was simply to spend time with me. I was baffled. 

After 4 years of hands on "friend training" I felt pretty comfortable in myfriendships. I was confident in my communication and conflict resolution skills (thanks Intervarsity) and I was actively trying to trust that people liked me (although it's still a struggle). But then I moved away from all my friends who "trained" me and moved into a completely new group of people. On top of all that, I moved to the inner city of South Los Angeles where everything was unfamiliar. Those were the hardest years for me on a multitude of levels. I lost all my confidence and even some of my friends. What little trust in people that I had gained in college, was lost. Some of my biggest regrets come from that time in my life. 

That post-college time period is when your friendships are put to the test. Will they withstand a drastic change in distance, passions, and energy levels? Let's be real, we're all tired during the transition into full-time work. It's a lot more draining that most of us admit. We no longer have a few hours in between classes to catch up on life. We rarely have time to cry, laugh, or even eat together. Some of our friendships dwindle and eventually die out simply due to malnutrition. If we don't feed and nurture our friendships, they die. Thankfully, I have a few that stuck it out and are still my friends today. Even through those dark, post college years...they remained my friends.

Now, however, I find myself with a stronger confidence but lack of friendship.  In an attempt to protect myself, I put up barriers. Told myself that I can no longer continue to give away parts of myself to people who don't deserve it. The sad outcome of this defense is not having any friends. *Dramatic pause * Obviously I still have some friends, but still feel very lonely. Many if my friends have moved to foreign countries or have begun their own lives separate of mine. It's a lonely place trying to find friends these days. 

I've had (and continue to have) close friends and we've had deep conversations about life, love, and everything in between. But I hesitate to call them "best" friends because I've had to filter myself with them for various reasons and honestly, how can you call someone your BEST friend and yet not share certain things with them? You can't. Don't get me wrong, I love the small number of friends that I do have. Most of them are International now so that's tough...and I do love each of them dearly, but the search continues for my best friend.

Also, I've come to learn that the older we get, the harder it is to make new friends; how annoying is that? Now that I'm in a place where I know myself better and can be a better friend, I find I am often alone. Those pesky trust issues that I mentioned earlier don't help, but that's besides the point. I've been burned by  people I trusted far too much recently and that has left me feeling disappointed.

To all my friends out there, past and present, I'm sorry if I ever let you down... I've been let down too though. Words don't have a high value in my life because I've seen promises turn to lies far to often to trust what's spoken. I trust actions and intentions. And being my friend means knowing this about me: I don't trust easily; but when I do, it's for life.

I'll say it again: Friendship is hard. But I have to believe that it's worth the struggle if the outcome is deep and meaningful relationships. That's what makes life worth it, right? So I continue to fight for the friends I still have (the ones worth fighting for anyways) and disengage with those who have hurt me. Friendship isn't always pretty, but if done well, it's a thing of beauty.


"Love is blind. Friendship tries not to notice" -Unknown

Knowing Next Moves

I've been at my job 5 years now.

Whew.

When did THAT happen? It feels like just yesterday that I was hired full-time and so flipping relieved to have employment and a regular paycheck. In fact, I remember running into someone from high school during my lunch break one day (she was a transfer student and therefore hadn't graduated yet) and she judged me SO HARD for not doing what I  "went to school for". I remember thinking she was so naive (having not graduated herself and still in the mindset that she would for sure use her degree). I also remember feeling so relieved to have found full-time work that I didn't even consider WHAT I was doing. I had loans to pay off, rent to pay, groceries to buy, and life to live! While her comment did irk me a little, I didn't allow it to fester...until now.

When thinking about what to write for this post, I remembered that interaction; and feelings of jealousy, angst, anger, and bitter disappointment came rushing to my heart. I never imagined that my life would look anything like it does now. While I was never a big "dreamer" I never thought I would be "that girl". You all know her. You might even be her (or him). She's the girl that loved her major and assumed she would work in the field she studied in college... but life happened... and now she's an office worker. She's stuck behind the cubicle and hates it. It's a common trope now in many stories we see in TV, movies, and books. The character that works a shitty job but dreams of more (See: Secret Life of Walter Mitty, Office Space, etc.)

It's hard for me to write this post because I don't have any answers. Sure, the easy answer is: Find new employment. But there's so much packed into that statement that would need to unpack before I even begin to search elsewhere...

I'm stuck asking questions like, "What is my calling?" or "What do I want my life to look like in 5 years?" The most depressing part of answering those questions is that I don't have an answer. I don't even have a lofty, pie-in-the-sky type of answer. How does one figure out their calling? How do you just know what you're meant to do? And on the less fun, more practical side of things: who says you are meant to even have a "dream job"? I mean, someone has to be the customer service person who gets yelled at for bullshit things like entitlement and listening to rich people problems, right? Who decides which of us gets the dream job and which gets yelled at on the regular?

There's also the issue of living in America vs. any other country. We have this idea that we buy into called "The American Dream". We are told, especially my generation, that you should reach for your dreams and not to settle for any thing. But can everyone really be a pop star, model, dancer, etc.? Can we all become exactly what we thought we wanted when we were 5 years old? Reality is, no we can't.  Most of us will be in cubicles and I assume only a small percentage of us will be happy about it. It's the job that everyone mocks or uses as their example of a "bad job" and yet so many offices around the world are filled with cubicle employees.

Welcome to my brain! These are the conversations that I'm constantly having with myself and talking myself in circles. It's exhausting and extremely depressing. How do you actually change your entire life? How do you actually decide to take the leap and alter the entire direction of your life?

If anyone has answers or thoughts, I need to hear them below. Comment, email, anything! I need some motivation and guidance here people!