I'll Be There For You...

Raise your hand if you grew up believing your best friends would look like the cast photo above.

*Raises both hands* 

I wonder how many of us would keep those hands raised when asked if those beliefs actually became reality? 

[Warning: No answers to life's tough questions can be found in this post. Simply this girl's thoughts and feelings]

Friendship is a hard thing. It's a relationship that takes work, trust, honesty, and communication. Some friendships last forever and some only for a season. Personally I tend to be a hard friend for people to keep because I'm constantly doubting the intentions of those around me and that's no place to nurture trust. Oh, I know I have issues! I don't have a lot of experience being a friend. It's a fairly recent experience for me since I didn't have any true friends until college. That's where I finally began hanging out with people. I was invited to dinner and hang outs and began having a social life. People even came to my dorm/apartment simply to chat. It was a completely new experience and I quickly learned that I was NOT good at it. I kept asking myself, "Why do they keep coming over?" or "What do they want?" but the answer was simply to spend time with me. I was baffled. 

After 4 years of hands on "friend training" I felt pretty comfortable in myfriendships. I was confident in my communication and conflict resolution skills (thanks Intervarsity) and I was actively trying to trust that people liked me (although it's still a struggle). But then I moved away from all my friends who "trained" me and moved into a completely new group of people. On top of all that, I moved to the inner city of South Los Angeles where everything was unfamiliar. Those were the hardest years for me on a multitude of levels. I lost all my confidence and even some of my friends. What little trust in people that I had gained in college, was lost. Some of my biggest regrets come from that time in my life. 

That post-college time period is when your friendships are put to the test. Will they withstand a drastic change in distance, passions, and energy levels? Let's be real, we're all tired during the transition into full-time work. It's a lot more draining that most of us admit. We no longer have a few hours in between classes to catch up on life. We rarely have time to cry, laugh, or even eat together. Some of our friendships dwindle and eventually die out simply due to malnutrition. If we don't feed and nurture our friendships, they die. Thankfully, I have a few that stuck it out and are still my friends today. Even through those dark, post college years...they remained my friends.

Now, however, I find myself with a stronger confidence but lack of friendship.  In an attempt to protect myself, I put up barriers. Told myself that I can no longer continue to give away parts of myself to people who don't deserve it. The sad outcome of this defense is not having any friends. *Dramatic pause * Obviously I still have some friends, but still feel very lonely. Many if my friends have moved to foreign countries or have begun their own lives separate of mine. It's a lonely place trying to find friends these days. 

I've had (and continue to have) close friends and we've had deep conversations about life, love, and everything in between. But I hesitate to call them "best" friends because I've had to filter myself with them for various reasons and honestly, how can you call someone your BEST friend and yet not share certain things with them? You can't. Don't get me wrong, I love the small number of friends that I do have. Most of them are International now so that's tough...and I do love each of them dearly, but the search continues for my best friend.

Also, I've come to learn that the older we get, the harder it is to make new friends; how annoying is that? Now that I'm in a place where I know myself better and can be a better friend, I find I am often alone. Those pesky trust issues that I mentioned earlier don't help, but that's besides the point. I've been burned by  people I trusted far too much recently and that has left me feeling disappointed.

To all my friends out there, past and present, I'm sorry if I ever let you down... I've been let down too though. Words don't have a high value in my life because I've seen promises turn to lies far to often to trust what's spoken. I trust actions and intentions. And being my friend means knowing this about me: I don't trust easily; but when I do, it's for life.

I'll say it again: Friendship is hard. But I have to believe that it's worth the struggle if the outcome is deep and meaningful relationships. That's what makes life worth it, right? So I continue to fight for the friends I still have (the ones worth fighting for anyways) and disengage with those who have hurt me. Friendship isn't always pretty, but if done well, it's a thing of beauty.


"Love is blind. Friendship tries not to notice" -Unknown