Fear of what people will think, say, believe, not believe, judge or hold against me. I was never bullied in school for being a "bigger" kid or for liking music because I made myself as invisible as possible to avoid it all. My goal was to simply fit in and don't allow anyone to see something in me that could be mocked. I never tried new things or took any risks because I was too afraid of failure. I was too afraid of being mocked and I didn't allow me to be me.
Well...I will no longer live in fear.
I have always enjoyed performing, singing, dancing, creating. I haven't always been outspoken about these loves in my life because I doubted my ability to actually do/be them. I doubted the support I would receive. I was afraid. If there's anything that I've come to discover over the past 6-9 months it's that I care entirely too much what other's think. I hate to admit it, but I am such a people-pleaser that I can push aside my own dreams in order to "please" the people I care about. This isn't always bad, but its certainly not good either. This is my life, right? This life is short and I don't want to look back and think about the things I wish I had done. I want to experience life to the fullest right now, not when it's too late!
So I'm taking charge and pushing past the temptation to please others.
I'm going to try.
(Side Note: This is a pretty cool article about these EXACT feelings: The Top 5 Deathbed Regrets)
All of this is easier said than done and I'm well aware of this struggle. Its still hard for me to think about what I want or to dream for myself. Hence the title of this post. It's exciting to start thinking about my dreams for my life, but it's also scary. What if it doesn't happen? What if I'm not good at it? Is this what I really want? Maybe I should just stay here where it's comfortable....
I will no longer live in fear.
Must put aside doubts
Push forward towards the life I desire
Break through complacency and into adventure
I cannot let me hold me down. I will not let me hold me back.
This past week, I went on my very first audition! I was extremely nervous and repeatedly thought I should quit and avoid the audition. But I knew doing that would erase all the work I've put into not allowing fear of failure dictate my life. So I auditioned...
..and I was rejected.
Success! No, I didn't get the part, heck...I didn't even get a call back. But it wasn't because I stopped myself from trying. And now I have the opportunity to work with the production team and maybe even take some classes/workshops to see if I can hone in a craft with acting techniques! I wouldn't have been offered that without putting myself out there and trying!
So where do I go from here? What's next? How will I continue to try in other things?
- Continue with voice lessons
- Peer mentoring sessions
- Working on some short films
- Begin my own video projects (music video concepts)
- Allow myself to dream and not in fear
There are other things going on for me spiritually, but I think that's for another post. To anyone who reads this, thank you for being interested in my life and walking with me in this journey. The path hasn't always been straight or easy, but I'm thankful for the continued love and support.
Cheers!
