Past Emotional Memories

Last night I drove the new SP Interns to LAX for them to catch a 16-hour flight to Manila. All day I felt nervous and anxious and I couldn't understand why. It was as though I was going on the trip with them and the thought of returning to such a hard place made my stomach turn. I barely ate because I was too anxious.

When I got home from work, I had to close my bedroom door to quiet myself before meeting with the interns soon after. I was nervous... but I didn't want to share my nerves with the interns because I'm sure they had enough of their own.

But I kept asking myself, "Why am I so nervous?".

We eventually got in the car and began the journey to LAX. We chatted a bit about their days, listened to GLEE, and after what seemed like no time at all, we were pulling up to the International Terminal. I gave my intern car-buddies each a hug and they were off. I looked into the terminal and remembered how terrified I was 2 years ago when that was me preparing to fly to Manila...

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I had never been on an international missions trip. I had never been to a slum. I had never done anything like what I was about to embark upon with virtually no one at my side. I didn't have a close friend or partner to go with me and hold my hand. I remember feeling like I was the only one who was afraid to go to Manila on my team. Everyone else seemed to be excited and happy to be going. I felt so alone in my fear. I sat down in my seat on the plane and began crying. I was alone and heading to a place that was far away from everything I knew. I cried alone in my seat as teammates passed by heading to their seats with smiles and eager with anticipation. 

I didn't move from my seat the entire 16 hours. 

I was stuck in my own fear and loneliness... 

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After dropping off the interns and leaving LAX  heading back to South LA on the 110 fwy, I broke down in tears. I cried and cried. I didn't know why I was crying, but I knew I needed to feel those emotions and let them out. It's almost as though I was reliving the feelings I had on the plane two years earlier.

I've been learning/realizing a lot about myself these past couple of weeks. Learning that as much as I don't want to admit that I am broken, I am in fact, very broken. Certain sins that I don't want to admit I fall into, I do. I fall and sin... I am broken and messed up. I need God each day. I may sometimes forget how much I need God, but that doesn't change the fact that I desperately need Him. Without God, I am just a broken sinful woman with no hope of restoration or healing. But with God, I have hope. A hope that I will heal from the wounds I brought from Manila. A hope that one day I will be thankful/grateful for my time there.

I have hope that one day all this mess and sin will no longer weigh me down when I am with my Lord.

I will be free.

Please pray for the interns currently in Manila. I know that I was changed by the things and people I saw during my 3 weeks there and needed prayer. The slum in Manila they will be living in is a hard place. Some of them have experienced such poverty and conditions, but others may not. There might be an intern who got on that plane and began crying just like me. So please, join me in praying for this new class of interns and their journey to Manila. I would also love your prayers as I begin looking into counseling to heal from the deep, dark, messed up places in my heart (some of which came to the surface 2 years ago in Manila and again yesterday).

Blessings,
Erika

Dance, dance like it's the last, last night of your life...

In my last blog, I wrote a lot about change and transition. And because life is constantly changing, I'm going to write about it again. Ha!
The past couple of weeks I have completed the following changes:
1. My email address
2. Blog
3. Desk at work

Yep, I switched desks at work. I could go into why this was such a needed move for me and describe the changed desk situation, but instead I'll give you the "nutshell" version. I used to be on a corner desk which opened up to an entry door of the office. So my back was facing that door. It was nice at first because it was so open but after a while, it became...annoying. It's hard to not know who is walking in the door and looking at your computer, desk, food, etc. My opportunity to move came when my computer at work got a virus (yep, even my work computer had a virus) and I had to temporarily change desks. I was here temporarily for a week and I LOVED it! I'm in the "middle" desk which means I have a third wall and it's a bit more private. When my computer came in after being repaired, I asked my boss if I could just stay and switch over to the other desk. And today it finally happened! I can't tell you how excited I am and happy about my new desk space. I think it's going to be good for me to be in a new area of the office, new atmosphere, new setting, etc.

All of that leads me to a much deeper discussion of changes in my life. Basically this whole summer's theme for me has been change. And it looks like it might continue into the Fall. I'm usually a timid person because I don't have a lot of confidence and easily doubt myself. I'm usually very afraid of change because it's new and unknown territory. This timidity affected all areas of my life because my approach to doing anything was always influenced by my fear of the unknown.

Not any more!

I don't want to be a person ruled by fear anymore. I don't want what others think of me to influence the things I decide to say, do, or try anymore.

This summer, I've taken a small step towards trying something new, even if it's a little scary.

I took a dance class.

Like a real, legit, dance class.

It was called StilettoFit and it kicked my butt. But that was just the step I needed to take. I felt empowered.

I, Erika Gannon, took a dance class in a room full of mirrors and paper-thin dancers. I did it!

And that was just the spark I needed to be hooked. I haven't gone back to that exact class because it was for a fitness level that I am not yet at. (underlined word: YET!). But I have tried other classes and completely fallen in love with dance. Am I trained? No. Do I feel alive when I am moving and groovin'? Yes! In fact, I recently tried a new class called "Groove Method". I don't think I can accurately express into words how happy and free this class made me feel. Here's a link to the official groove method website if you're interested: http://thegroovemethod.com/

I am in love with dance, movement, and expression of the body through music, beats, and moves. And it's all because I tried that first dance class. (And a little show I was kinda, sorta obsessed with this summer called So You Think You Can Dance...)

Here's to dancing more and trying new [and sometimes scary] things! Happy Friday everyone :)

It's a new day

Welcome to my first post under a completely new name! I did have to get rid of my previous blog because of it's attachment to my previous email address with a virus. So, why not start fresh with a new blog and a new email address? Can I just say that it's hard to change everything, even gmail, but that's a whole-other Oprah.

So let's get to business. First, what the heck does the title mean? It may seem obscure and random but I absolutely love daisies. They are so simple and pure. So going with a theme of daisies, I looked up the word "daisy"  just to see what came up other than the obvious and surprisingly, I found the slang definition to be what's listed in the title.

Someone or something of first-rate quality. 

I can't really imagine anyone nowadays saying, "That new car sure is a daisy" but this idea of trying to be a woman of first-rate quality is exactly what I'm trying to accomplish. Not in the eyes of the world but rather in the eyes of my Creator and Father.

*Raises a glass to toast* 
Here is to starting fresh and moving forward from the things of the past and looking forward to what great things will come in the future.  
*cling, cling*