Fear & Response

There have been a few events in the past two years that I have felt genuine fear over. First was Ebola and [what I thought at the time was a] threat of widespread outbreak. I read every article I could get my hands on, began following the CDC for updates, and learned as much as I could about the spread and contamination of the disease because I was genuinely afraid. I felt the only way to calm my fear was to get the facts and not just be scared with no education on the subject.  Add to this the fact that I see WAY too many "end-of-the-world" movies and you can see why fear took over all my responses. Thankfully I did educate myself and learned what the reality of Ebola looked like for me (an American with a strong healthcare system) versus the African countries that still struggle with Ebola cases and education on how it spreads. In those months that I was so afraid, I learned how fear can truly overwhelm and influence my response to the world around me.

Recently I have found myself fearful again, but in a different way than before. I'm not afraid for my life, but the general threat of terrorism around the world. I actually saw a post on Facebook that said to instead call the group known mainly as ISIS, Daesh because ISIS implies a nation and they have no national identity. [That is how I will refer to the group going forward]. Hearing my pastor talk about persecution in the church is one thing, especially when it took place in the beginning of the church. It's entirely different when it's happening now as I live and write these words. Christians are being killed today in numbers that we haven't seen since the formation of the church. Muslims are being killed too. All innocent lives taken simply because they refuse to follow the extreme theology of hate that the Daesh spews.

And I find myself weeping for those who have died, in a way that I have not experienced within my soul until now. I cannot help but see the similarities in today's persecution compared to those of Stephen and other martyrs that followed. Killed because they claimed Christ as their Lord and Savior. And because of the similarities, I fear for the world that continues to reject Jesus and others who pretend to teach the Gospel but instead spread intolerance, hate and hardened hearts filled with judgement. Last I checked, these were not included in the teachings of Jesus. In fact, the Jesus I read about in the Bible is the exact opposite in how he treats people.

I was inspired to write this post after reading an article in Relevant Magazine titled "What Can Be Done About ISIS?" (link in the title). I do not want to be compliant in the face of such hatred. I have found myself praying more, and actually desiring to pray for the victims, the refugees... and surprisingly the terrorists. This article interestingly reminds us that Paul [Saul at the time] was in fact a terrorist against Christians when he met God on the road (to Syria no less) and instead became a preacher of God's word. It's extremely difficult for me to grasp what my prayers would look like if I were to pray for the terrorists and for their hearts to be turned towards Jesus but I get chills just thinking about it. How amazing would it be to hear that they put down their weapons and plots for murder and instead followed Jesus and gave to the poor and loved people as God's children?? God has done it before, God can do it again. Lord help my unbelief! 

One of the headlines in the article reads, "Reject Fear and Raise Our Voices" and that's what I'm trying to begin here. I want to encourage us to pray, to hope for change and work together to unite the world against this group that only wishes for us to divide. We can fight fear with prayer; hate with love. 

In another post from Relevant Magazine I saw the clip (below) of Stephen Colbert discussing the refugees acceptance into our country. I didn't always enjoy the Colbert Report but this is a Stephen that I can get behind. His words here are powerful and I wanted to share them with you now. Some had mentioned the idea of giving those seeking safety a "Christian Test" to see if they are Christian or not. I find that my response is the same as Stephen's: If they can finish the sentence (directly from Scripture) then that might be the better "test" of who is or who isn't a Christian: 

Our response to welcoming people to our country is yet another way of reacting in fear rather than love. I understand this is a complicated matter and I do not mean to make it sound in anyway, easy. I would like the people in the public eye who proclaim Christianity as their belief to actually live as a follower of Christ and stop embarrassing the rest of us. I won't list each and every verse here, but this article from Relevant gives great scripture resources as well as discusses our response to foreigners and how the Bible teaches us to treat those among us: What the Bible Says about How to Treat Refugees. 

Love will always be louder. 

[Update: Since I first wrote this, the shooting in San Bernardino has occurred.] I don't have any additional comments to add to that particular discussion, but I didn't want to post this in light of those events and the information coming out of that investigation, without at least mentioning it and asking for things to change. This continues to show that our world is broken and we need Jesus to heal and protect and bring justice. We also need those who claim to follow Jesus to open their hearts and not respond in fear. It's a very hard thing to do, but it must be done. 

Slowly start to build... A Beautiful City.

The musical Godspell is currently performing with a revival cast in New York City. Unfortunately, I was not able to see the show while I was in NYC, but I had so many people recommend the music to me that I had to listen for myself and see what the buzz was about. I'm not familiar with the plot or how accurate it is to Jesus' life, but that's not what this post is about. I've listened to the soundtrack on Spotify over and over again, and one song truly stands out. The song, "Beautiful City" is one of the most beautiful songs I've heard in a long time. Here is his performance of the song on YouTube: Beautiful City by Hunter Parrish

Some lyrics that are particularly meaningful to me today: 

"Out of the ruins and rubble, can we see a ray of hope?" 

 "When your trust is all but shattered. When your faith is all but killed. You can give up, bitter and battered. Or you can slowly start to build..." 

I hope that this video finds you in those moments when you feel hopeless, anxious, tired, or lonely. God definitely brought this song to mind today to remind me that rebuilding is possible, hope still exists, and to put all my trust in Him. God really knows that speaking to me through music is a direct line to my heart and soul. Thank you God for knowing me so...

Vague is Vague, Good is Good

This will be one of my more vague posts, and for that I do apologize. I would want to share more, but there's still stuff needing time to process and develop before that is possible.

If you've read my blog before, you most likely know that change and I are not friends. Even good changes in my life can be hard for me to accept. Recently, I've been able to experience something new (and exciting) but I can feel myself begin putting up the walls and guard myself in fear of the unknown.

The path that I'm walking is completely new territory. It's something I've thought about for a long time and something I want eventually, but that doesn't replace the fear and insecurities. I can't believe I'm going to write this, but I honestly thought my insecurities would lessen once this happened to me. Not true! In fact, they are shoved even more in my face due to this. I find myself battling in my head against the lies that I've believed for so long about myself. Unfortunately, new ones have also crept up and must be dealt with accordingly (prayer, conversations, friends, etc).

I continue to try and see God in the midst of this new experience.

Thankfully I see Him, but it's hard to keep focus. I'm easily distracted and forget just how central He is in all of this. This is a good gift to me from God, no matter what happens. And that is what I must always remember. It's also important to remember that God's gifts vary and cannot be limited to any one dream or aspiration you have! If this wasn't happening in my life, there would be other good gifts that I would have to celebrate. I don't want anyone to think that God is only good when his gifts look like this (or that...or whatever it is you want in life). He is not limited to our hopes and dreams for ourselves. He wants to give us even better than we imagine. I'm really starting to believe this and see it in my own life!

Thanks for being patient and reading my semi-vague post.

I'll keep you posted ;)

It's been an odd mixture of light and dark in my life for the past few months. I haven't written because I don't really know where to begin or how to even end. I literally have 4-5 drafts written for the different things that I've wanted to share, but haven't felt like they were really complete thoughts...so drafts they will remain for now.

I've been thinking a lot about myself lately. Not always in the selfish way but not always in the unselfish way either. Here is a brief recap/highlights of my life over the course of the past few months (roughly chronological):

• I had pretty much mentally decided to no longer attend my current church
• I went on a month-long church rotation to find a different church
• I met great people and saw amazing churches in the greater LA area that got me excited about my future and where God may have me go
• I decided to take voice lessons regularly
• I joined an acting class in Westwood on Sunday mornings (for a month)
• I decided that I needed to at least "try" new things and see if I discover talents I never knew I had
• I ended my church rotation 
• Caused by a stern yet gentle correction from my pastor about my expectations and poor communication; basically I didn't give people a chance
• Through this conversation, many deep rooted sins were discovered
• Basically, I'm an onion. A fearful, layered onion. (More in my next post about this)
• I've been trying to allow me to just be me and it's been wonderful/difficult.
• I've believed so many lies about myself that it's hard to distinguish truth and lies in my own head. 
• I've been able to see how I interact with Jesus and the true nature of our relationship, which isn't perfect.  
• I'm discovering that I like who I am, and I don't need to be ashamed of who I am or things I like
• I've started reading Harry Potter (much to the distress of my mom)
• I'm on the 4th book, hoping to be done by July for the last film! 
• I'm going to try to do more things in front of a camera, so be on the lookout for that! (scary but good!)
• Ultimately, I'm going to stay with Redeemer and allow Jesus to heal some of the major brokenness within my soul through the people and relationships He has given me, even when I don't think there are any relationships...He is showing me that isn't true. 

And now, looking toward this new path God seems to be laying before me, I see many more new adventures as well as more development of my character and identity in Jesus. Oh, and I plan to write a song at some point. I've never done that and it seems like the perfect outlet for some self-expression. If it gets recorded, I'll for sure post it for y'all. 

God is doing something big and I look forward to seeing what fruit comes out of this phase of my life. 

Peace and Blessings. 

Reflections..

The holidays bring up both good and bad memories, especially as the new year approaches and we begin to reflect back on the year that is ending and look ahead for the year to come.

Recently my roommates and I were thinking about the past year and all that God has done. While listening to their reflections, I was reminded of the past year I've had with God. It was just about a year ago that I had a "healing prayer" session that began a series of events that led to a dark time in my faith. I felt that God brought up some deep rooted issues during the session and then didn't provide me with the support to follow it up. I felt abandoned and uncared for on all counts. It was one of the most difficult, lonely, and challenging experiences I have had with God and with the people involved. I specifically remember contemplating leaving the faith, doubting my belief in God and questioning His love for me.

The next day was the Thanksgiving Dinner for Church of the Redeemer and I felt like the world around me continued while I was frozen; stuck in a dark and lonely place. I went to the dinner, talked with 1 or 2 people and then I left right before the testimonies began ( because I was in no place to hear testimonies about God).

Christmas came and I felt very sad. I felt as though something was missing from my life but I didn't know what it was or if I wanted it ever again. I went to church and each week I cried. I was sad that I wasn't experiencing God the same way the people around me were. I was sad because something I had once believed in was no longer part of my life.

And then God spoke.

I've already written about this in previous posts, but I feel the need to share in brief again. God spoke to me through an image that communicated to me just how much Jesus loved me and wanted to lift me up, if only I would allow Him. And now, almost 10 months later, I am just getting back into a trusting and meaningful relationship with Jesus again. I'm a weak and broken person who initially trusts people (and God) but after that trust has been broken it's extremely difficult for me to trust again, even with my Heavenly Father. It's foolishness (I know) to think that I'm in any way in control of my life or that Jesus is looking for my approval. I know He isn't. But I also know that He wants to love me and wants me to give all control and trust to Him and Him alone. I just have to decide to do it.

It's taken 10+ months to believe God is real to me again. 10 months to muster up the courage to trust again. And yet I find a lingering sense of doubt within me. Staying here in LA has been a lot of ups and downs relationally with the people around me and with God. I'm learning a lot about who I am and who God wants me to be...and trying to figure out how to trust again.

I'm so thankful for my cell group and the seed that it is. I believe it's a seed that God has planted in my life to begin growth and healing from the broken and bitter past I've had. I'm thankful that this year's Thanksgiving Dinner with my church looks to be one filled with renewed joy and hope as we begin to journey to Christmas. I'm looking forward to church services with tears of joy and praise. Such a different place than last year, and praise God for that!

Past Emotional Memories

Last night I drove the new SP Interns to LAX for them to catch a 16-hour flight to Manila. All day I felt nervous and anxious and I couldn't understand why. It was as though I was going on the trip with them and the thought of returning to such a hard place made my stomach turn. I barely ate because I was too anxious.

When I got home from work, I had to close my bedroom door to quiet myself before meeting with the interns soon after. I was nervous... but I didn't want to share my nerves with the interns because I'm sure they had enough of their own.

But I kept asking myself, "Why am I so nervous?".

We eventually got in the car and began the journey to LAX. We chatted a bit about their days, listened to GLEE, and after what seemed like no time at all, we were pulling up to the International Terminal. I gave my intern car-buddies each a hug and they were off. I looked into the terminal and remembered how terrified I was 2 years ago when that was me preparing to fly to Manila...

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I had never been on an international missions trip. I had never been to a slum. I had never done anything like what I was about to embark upon with virtually no one at my side. I didn't have a close friend or partner to go with me and hold my hand. I remember feeling like I was the only one who was afraid to go to Manila on my team. Everyone else seemed to be excited and happy to be going. I felt so alone in my fear. I sat down in my seat on the plane and began crying. I was alone and heading to a place that was far away from everything I knew. I cried alone in my seat as teammates passed by heading to their seats with smiles and eager with anticipation. 

I didn't move from my seat the entire 16 hours. 

I was stuck in my own fear and loneliness... 

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After dropping off the interns and leaving LAX  heading back to South LA on the 110 fwy, I broke down in tears. I cried and cried. I didn't know why I was crying, but I knew I needed to feel those emotions and let them out. It's almost as though I was reliving the feelings I had on the plane two years earlier.

I've been learning/realizing a lot about myself these past couple of weeks. Learning that as much as I don't want to admit that I am broken, I am in fact, very broken. Certain sins that I don't want to admit I fall into, I do. I fall and sin... I am broken and messed up. I need God each day. I may sometimes forget how much I need God, but that doesn't change the fact that I desperately need Him. Without God, I am just a broken sinful woman with no hope of restoration or healing. But with God, I have hope. A hope that I will heal from the wounds I brought from Manila. A hope that one day I will be thankful/grateful for my time there.

I have hope that one day all this mess and sin will no longer weigh me down when I am with my Lord.

I will be free.

Please pray for the interns currently in Manila. I know that I was changed by the things and people I saw during my 3 weeks there and needed prayer. The slum in Manila they will be living in is a hard place. Some of them have experienced such poverty and conditions, but others may not. There might be an intern who got on that plane and began crying just like me. So please, join me in praying for this new class of interns and their journey to Manila. I would also love your prayers as I begin looking into counseling to heal from the deep, dark, messed up places in my heart (some of which came to the surface 2 years ago in Manila and again yesterday).

Blessings,
Erika