This may be a vague post. Let me apologize right now. :)
I recently had a great conversation with a very wise woman that led me to discover something I've been missing for a while. A spirit of freedom.
I'm finally looking at my life with renewed vision for the future. A year ago, I felt hopeless. I would look into my future and see clouds and fog. Nothing was clear and the road ahead seemed to almost non-existent. So I didn't move ahead because I didn't see where to go.
Now, I'm beginning to see some roads and I'm just trying to decide which road to take.
That's really all I can say at this point. The next month will be very exciting and I'll be happy to share once I know more myself! Please pray that God would guide me down the road and provide me with the time and space to debrief this time with Him.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Friday, February 11, 2011
I spell woman Z-i-z-e-s
OK, I confess that this is another Glee blog post...kind of.
You see, this past week in Glee meant more to me than most, if any, other episodes in the series. Another confession: I've watched "Silly Love Songs" at least 4 times since it aired on Tuesday night (and as I write this it's Friday afternoon). Moving on...
What about this episode made it my favorite episode? Was it the adorable new friendship that seems to have formed between Rachel, Mercedes, and Kurt? While I loved that, it's not the reason. Was it the astonishing developments between Blaine and Kurt? Very close because, OH-MY-GOODNESS I loved that. But that's still not it. Simply stated: Lauren Zizes.
We have seen this character many times throughout the show (as a Vampire, sneeze attack girl, etc.) and at the end of last season, she became a prime time player (sort of) by joining New Directions only to help them have enough performers to compete for Regionals. Since then, the writers have given her more to work with and some of the best lines in each episode. This past week, she became something that no one on Glee has portrayed before. The character who brings the issue of weight and self-confidence. Yes, Mercedes is a confident character, but she isn't shown or described by her weight like Lauren was in this episode. [Side note: the only episode/storyline that angers me was the "tots" episode with Mercedes..so I don't count her in the weight representative role because it's never been a big part of who she is or how she is seen at McKinley High]. Moving on....
Glee is all about the "outcasts" in high school (Glee members, gay students, minorities, etc.) but until now, we hadn't really seen a story about weight & romance. Lauren is a bigger girl, but that's not the only reason I loved this episode. It's because of the character she portrays.
Typically on TV, we see overweight girls be shy/ not confident OR extremely asexual or unattractive to anyone, even themselves. But Lauren, excellently played by Ashley Fink, hasn't turned out to be either of those. Granted, she has changed over the course of her time on Glee to what we saw on Tuesday... but now we have seen a different side of Lauren. She isn't a desperate girl; she even requires Puck (Mark Salling) to "woo" her with more than just a song.
I love her confidence and her ability to be herself no matter what others may say about her. During the performance that Puck gives Lauren (the unfortunately titled "Fat-Bottom Girls") we see all the other girls looking shocked that Puck would sing anything to Lauren. At first, Lauren looked surprised as well, but later we see that she'll need more than just a song to get her to go on a date and she knows she deserves it. [!?!?] I can't remember another show that had such a strong female character who was "bigger than the usual bunch" and not self-loathing. She is confident and knows what she wants. It's so refreshing to see a strong, larger woman on such a hit show like Glee.
And that's why I love Lauren and why I now spell woman "Z-I-Z-E-S" (Quote from the episode, which you can view here: http://www.fox.com/glee/full-episodes/). I doubt Ashley will even read this, but if she does, I hope she knows that she's brought a wonderful new outlook to Glee and all of us "bigger" girls out there.
You see, this past week in Glee meant more to me than most, if any, other episodes in the series. Another confession: I've watched "Silly Love Songs" at least 4 times since it aired on Tuesday night (and as I write this it's Friday afternoon). Moving on...
What about this episode made it my favorite episode? Was it the adorable new friendship that seems to have formed between Rachel, Mercedes, and Kurt? While I loved that, it's not the reason. Was it the astonishing developments between Blaine and Kurt? Very close because, OH-MY-GOODNESS I loved that. But that's still not it. Simply stated: Lauren Zizes.
 |
| Lauren pictured above from a previous episode. |
We have seen this character many times throughout the show (as a Vampire, sneeze attack girl, etc.) and at the end of last season, she became a prime time player (sort of) by joining New Directions only to help them have enough performers to compete for Regionals. Since then, the writers have given her more to work with and some of the best lines in each episode. This past week, she became something that no one on Glee has portrayed before. The character who brings the issue of weight and self-confidence. Yes, Mercedes is a confident character, but she isn't shown or described by her weight like Lauren was in this episode. [Side note: the only episode/storyline that angers me was the "tots" episode with Mercedes..so I don't count her in the weight representative role because it's never been a big part of who she is or how she is seen at McKinley High]. Moving on....
Glee is all about the "outcasts" in high school (Glee members, gay students, minorities, etc.) but until now, we hadn't really seen a story about weight & romance. Lauren is a bigger girl, but that's not the only reason I loved this episode. It's because of the character she portrays.
Typically on TV, we see overweight girls be shy/ not confident OR extremely asexual or unattractive to anyone, even themselves. But Lauren, excellently played by Ashley Fink, hasn't turned out to be either of those. Granted, she has changed over the course of her time on Glee to what we saw on Tuesday... but now we have seen a different side of Lauren. She isn't a desperate girl; she even requires Puck (Mark Salling) to "woo" her with more than just a song.
I love her confidence and her ability to be herself no matter what others may say about her. During the performance that Puck gives Lauren (the unfortunately titled "Fat-Bottom Girls") we see all the other girls looking shocked that Puck would sing anything to Lauren. At first, Lauren looked surprised as well, but later we see that she'll need more than just a song to get her to go on a date and she knows she deserves it. [!?!?] I can't remember another show that had such a strong female character who was "bigger than the usual bunch" and not self-loathing. She is confident and knows what she wants. It's so refreshing to see a strong, larger woman on such a hit show like Glee.
And that's why I love Lauren and why I now spell woman "Z-I-Z-E-S" (Quote from the episode, which you can view here: http://www.fox.com/glee/full-episodes/). I doubt Ashley will even read this, but if she does, I hope she knows that she's brought a wonderful new outlook to Glee and all of us "bigger" girls out there.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Loss
It's been a little under 2 1/2 months since I left my bag on the train. I've gone over and over the details of that day and even the night leading up to my train adventure to think of what I could or should have done differently.
I wish I had left my retainer at home that weekend.
I wish I hadn't brought my laundry along with me.
I wish I had driven myself.
I wish I had remembered my bag before I left the train.
I could literally go on forever with lists of "wishes" and "regrets". At the moment that I realized I had left my bag on the train, I felt an intense peace about the entire situation. I didn't doubt for a second that it would be returned to me, eventually. When I called the Metrolink service to report it being left on the train, the representative over the phone was positive and mentioned the possibility of getting it back before the end of the weekend (this occurred on the Wednesday prior to Thanksgiving Day). And now, here I am, 2 months later & still no bag in sight. Metrolink said it could take up to a month to get it back to Union Station. So I waited...and waited. I called them just as they closed my case. Bag never recovered.
It's not even about the material things that were lost, most of which I have already replaced. It's about what I cannot replace. Most significant: my retainer. I've had this tiny piece of metal since middle school. My teeth sometimes "move" but my retainer always put them back in place. There was a time in high school when I thought I had lost the retainer and freaked out enough to request a replacement. Well, the dentist couldn't replace it really, but instead made a new model based on how my teeth where shaped then. Eventually, I found my original retainer and always kept this second one as just a "back-up" for the "real" retainer. Well, now my back-up is my only option. It's not as good, and I feel my teeth moving (it's a small change, but still...). Anyways, the point of this whole retainer discussion is to show that I'm still not "over" forgetting my bag. And just when I think I'm over it and can move-on, I'm reminded (every night) as I brush my teeth, that I lost my "good" retainer and the thought cycle repeats with the above statements and regrets.
Maybe this is silly to some and ridiculous to others. But I've spent majority of nights crying in anger before I go to sleep. A couple nights ago, I basically pleaded with God to do a miracle...to bring back my bag! It was a low point.
So, now I post this potentially embarrassing story to ask for your prayers. I want to be freed from this cycle of stress, regret, anger, and sadness. Especially over something that seems as silly as a bag. I realized last night that I need to first ask forgiveness from God for things I said to Him in anger, but then I need to forgive myself. I'm so angry with myself for being so forgetful and clueless. I don't trust myself with anything valuable now. I'm so afraid that I'll just forget it somewhere. Especially when I travel public transit (which is pretty much everyday going to and from work). I don't want to live in fear of forgetting something else or regret any longer. Thank you for praying for freedom and rebuilding my trust that God will provide what I need, when I need it. I tend to forget that about our Father...
Peace.
I wish I had left my retainer at home that weekend.
I wish I hadn't brought my laundry along with me.
I wish I had driven myself.
I wish I had remembered my bag before I left the train.
I could literally go on forever with lists of "wishes" and "regrets". At the moment that I realized I had left my bag on the train, I felt an intense peace about the entire situation. I didn't doubt for a second that it would be returned to me, eventually. When I called the Metrolink service to report it being left on the train, the representative over the phone was positive and mentioned the possibility of getting it back before the end of the weekend (this occurred on the Wednesday prior to Thanksgiving Day). And now, here I am, 2 months later & still no bag in sight. Metrolink said it could take up to a month to get it back to Union Station. So I waited...and waited. I called them just as they closed my case. Bag never recovered.
It's not even about the material things that were lost, most of which I have already replaced. It's about what I cannot replace. Most significant: my retainer. I've had this tiny piece of metal since middle school. My teeth sometimes "move" but my retainer always put them back in place. There was a time in high school when I thought I had lost the retainer and freaked out enough to request a replacement. Well, the dentist couldn't replace it really, but instead made a new model based on how my teeth where shaped then. Eventually, I found my original retainer and always kept this second one as just a "back-up" for the "real" retainer. Well, now my back-up is my only option. It's not as good, and I feel my teeth moving (it's a small change, but still...). Anyways, the point of this whole retainer discussion is to show that I'm still not "over" forgetting my bag. And just when I think I'm over it and can move-on, I'm reminded (every night) as I brush my teeth, that I lost my "good" retainer and the thought cycle repeats with the above statements and regrets.
Maybe this is silly to some and ridiculous to others. But I've spent majority of nights crying in anger before I go to sleep. A couple nights ago, I basically pleaded with God to do a miracle...to bring back my bag! It was a low point.
So, now I post this potentially embarrassing story to ask for your prayers. I want to be freed from this cycle of stress, regret, anger, and sadness. Especially over something that seems as silly as a bag. I realized last night that I need to first ask forgiveness from God for things I said to Him in anger, but then I need to forgive myself. I'm so angry with myself for being so forgetful and clueless. I don't trust myself with anything valuable now. I'm so afraid that I'll just forget it somewhere. Especially when I travel public transit (which is pretty much everyday going to and from work). I don't want to live in fear of forgetting something else or regret any longer. Thank you for praying for freedom and rebuilding my trust that God will provide what I need, when I need it. I tend to forget that about our Father...
Peace.
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