Until we meet again...

Today's post isn't fun or silly. Today I write from a solemn and somber place in my heart. I want this blog to be a mixture of both happy and sad (and all that's in the middle) because isn't that how we all experience life? 

Today is also another installment of Faith Friday in the form of a lament to God about life and loss. 

I'm not entirely sure how to write this post or the "right" words to say. Death is never something I like discussing or thinking about because it's scary, sad, overwhelming, and ultimately unknown. As much as I would love to pretend death never happens, life always reminds me that this just isn't true. Unfortunately this week was another reminder of this fact.

This week we lost a dear friend to cancer.

I can't help but mourn for those he left behind. That's usually my focus when faced with death; not on those who have left but on those who have to stay behind and miss them. I experienced this when my grandma passed away and I , along with my whole family, struggled through the sadness and grief.  I experienced this in high school when a friend passed away and we had to finish out senior year without her.

My faith tells me that they are in a better place with you The Father...but my heart is selfish and wants them to stay with me forever. I'm so touched and impressed by the people closest to the situation who remain faithful and depend only on strength from God to continue each day. I can only hope that if placed in the same situation I would do the same.

For those who are mourning and having a difficult time, you are not alone. We all mourn with one another in solidarity and miss what we no longer have in this life. I pray that you will find rest and peace as time passes and as God reveals His Glory and Love to us in our own personal ways. Be with us and sustain us oh Lord. Please give us the strength we need each day. We cannot do it alone.

I wanted to end this post with a quote that was written in a facebook group for our dear friend after we were told of his passing. It stood out to me and has brought me solace each day since I first read it:

May the road rise up to meet you. 

May the wind be always at your back. 

May the sun shine warm upon your face. 

And the rain fall soft upon your field. 

And until we meet again, until we meet again...

May God hold you in the palm of His hand. 

Summer of '98

Today is a strange day. This post is going to be a strange post. But let's go with it...

When I was 12 years old I met the love(s) of my life.
From the moment our eyes met, we knew nothing could keep us apart.
I saved every picture, planned out dates according to their schedule, and I fully supported each of their new endeavors. 

Yes, I am talking about Nsync. My family can attest to my devotion to anything (and everything) that they did. And now with the uproar over the rumored "reunion" at the VMAs (crossing fingers SOMETHING happens on Sunday!) I can't help but look back and remember just what this boy band meant to me back then and what it means now.

Back in the summer of 1998 my family was struggling with the diagnosis my grandma had been given. After being sick for a long time, they finally knew it was cancer. I was 12 years old and going back and forth between my mom's place, dad's place, and grandma's house so that my mom could care for grandma. In the midst of the sadness and chaos, I happen to be watching Disney Channel and saw a concert special promo featuring a group I had never heard. Little did I know that the Nsync Disney concert would not only be the spark of my Nsync obsession, but also the thread that tied my entire summer together.

I can't remember the first time I saw this concert. But I can say that I must have watched it (either on TV or from my recorded tape) at least 100 times (no joke) throughout that summer. It was that time in life when boys became...... BOYS. So having 5 guys dance around and make you fall in love with them was welcomed. Even my grandma would comment on how much we watched it! I got my brother to watch, my cousins, aunts and uncles; everyone watched! Mind you there was only one TV in the house at the time, but that's besides the point! Looking back now, I can see why everyone allowed me to watch these boys dance around...they all knew. You see, being 12 years old, I couldn't really handle the reality of death. So this concert became my safe place. These 5 boys became my escape. 

That summer most days were spent with family; sitting around enjoying one another, watching TV, and caring for one another along with enjoying what moments we had with grandma. It was the most bittersweet summer of my entire life. I had all this family around me and yet it was all to mourn the nearing loss of someone so close to my heart. It was the first death that I can remember really being touched by. She was my caretaker for so many years and we spent MANY weekends with her prior to all of this happening. She was the best grandma I could have asked for. 

The summer of 1998 was a turning point in my life and I'll be forever changed by the experiences I shared, bonds that were made, and memories I'll keep forever. You may think it silly, but Nsync brought me closer to my family that summer and are forever linked to everything that happened. They got me through my grandma's death and continue to make me smile when I look back at old pictures or watch concert footage. One of my cousins (who was also obsessed and would watch the concert right by my side) would always say that Nsync came on the radio during moments we were crying because they knew. I know that's crazy now, but 12 year old me believed it to be true. I smile thinking about how real that was for me and how innocent a thought it was to get me through my sadness. 

Regardless of whether the reunion happens or not, having them back in pop culture discussions this week has meant the world to me. You see today, August 22nd, is the day my grandma passed away that summer. So having them back in my life for this brief moment as we reflect on her life and today's anniversary of her death has brought it all full circle. Once again they are there to comfort me and bring a smile to my face as tears fall from my eyes. 

They'll never read this, but I can't help but say thanks to them for what role they've played. These guys brought me into adolescence and made me happy. They distracted me from the ugliness life can throw at you and replaced it with catchy songs and teenage dreams. They entertained me back then and continue to do so today. Thanks guys. 

Grandma Nora, I miss you so much. 15 years has passed so quickly. I hope I've become the woman you wanted me to be. I can't wait until I can see you again.  

Grandma (holding baby brother), Mom, and myself (looking away).

Loss

It's been a little under 2 1/2 months since I left my bag on the train. I've gone over and over the details of that day and even the night leading up to my train adventure to think of what I could or  should have done differently.

I wish I had left my retainer at home that weekend.

I wish I hadn't brought my laundry along with me.

I wish I had driven myself.

I wish I had remembered my bag before I left the train.

I could literally go on forever with lists of "wishes" and "regrets". At the moment that I realized I had left my bag on the train, I felt an intense peace about the entire situation. I didn't doubt for a second that it would be returned to me, eventually. When I called the Metrolink service to report it being left on the train, the representative over the phone was positive and mentioned the possibility of getting it back before the end of the weekend (this occurred on the Wednesday prior to Thanksgiving Day). And now, here I am, 2 months later & still no bag in sight. Metrolink said it could take up to a month to get it back to Union Station. So I waited...and waited. I called them just as they closed my case. Bag never recovered.

It's not even about the material things that were lost, most of which I have already replaced. It's about what I cannot replace. Most significant: my retainer. I've had this tiny piece of metal since middle school. My teeth sometimes "move" but my retainer always put them back in place. There was a time in high school when I thought I had lost the retainer and freaked out enough to request a replacement. Well, the dentist couldn't replace it really, but instead made a new model based on how my teeth where shaped then. Eventually, I found my original retainer and always kept this second one as just a "back-up" for the "real" retainer. Well, now my back-up is my only option. It's not as good, and I feel my teeth moving (it's a small change, but still...). Anyways, the point of this whole retainer discussion is to show that I'm still not "over" forgetting my bag. And just when I think I'm over it and can move-on, I'm reminded (every night) as I brush my teeth, that I lost my "good" retainer and the thought cycle repeats with the above statements and regrets.

Maybe this is silly to some and ridiculous to others. But I've spent majority of nights crying in anger before I go to sleep. A couple nights ago, I basically pleaded with God to do a miracle...to bring back my bag! It was a low point.

So, now I post this potentially embarrassing story to ask for your prayers. I want to be freed from this cycle of stress, regret, anger, and sadness. Especially over something that seems as silly as a bag. I realized last night that I need to first ask forgiveness from God for things I said to Him in anger, but then I  need to forgive myself. I'm so angry with myself for being so forgetful and clueless. I don't trust myself with anything valuable now. I'm so afraid that I'll just forget it somewhere. Especially when I travel public transit (which is pretty much everyday going to and from work). I don't want to live in fear of forgetting something else or regret any longer. Thank you for praying for freedom and rebuilding my trust that God will provide what I need, when I need it. I tend to forget that about our Father...

Peace.