The Roads Not Taken

This may be a vague post. Let me apologize right now. :)

I recently had a great conversation with a very wise woman that led me to discover something I've been missing for a while. A spirit of freedom.

I'm finally looking at my life with renewed vision for the future. A year ago, I felt hopeless. I would look into my future and see clouds and fog. Nothing was clear and the road ahead seemed to almost non-existent. So I didn't move ahead because I didn't see where to go.

Now, I'm beginning to see some roads and I'm just trying to decide which road to take.

That's really all I can say at this point. The next month will be very exciting and I'll be happy to share once I know more myself! Please pray that God would guide me down the road and provide me with the time and space to debrief this time with Him.



 

Loss

It's been a little under 2 1/2 months since I left my bag on the train. I've gone over and over the details of that day and even the night leading up to my train adventure to think of what I could or  should have done differently.

I wish I had left my retainer at home that weekend.

I wish I hadn't brought my laundry along with me.

I wish I had driven myself.

I wish I had remembered my bag before I left the train.

I could literally go on forever with lists of "wishes" and "regrets". At the moment that I realized I had left my bag on the train, I felt an intense peace about the entire situation. I didn't doubt for a second that it would be returned to me, eventually. When I called the Metrolink service to report it being left on the train, the representative over the phone was positive and mentioned the possibility of getting it back before the end of the weekend (this occurred on the Wednesday prior to Thanksgiving Day). And now, here I am, 2 months later & still no bag in sight. Metrolink said it could take up to a month to get it back to Union Station. So I waited...and waited. I called them just as they closed my case. Bag never recovered.

It's not even about the material things that were lost, most of which I have already replaced. It's about what I cannot replace. Most significant: my retainer. I've had this tiny piece of metal since middle school. My teeth sometimes "move" but my retainer always put them back in place. There was a time in high school when I thought I had lost the retainer and freaked out enough to request a replacement. Well, the dentist couldn't replace it really, but instead made a new model based on how my teeth where shaped then. Eventually, I found my original retainer and always kept this second one as just a "back-up" for the "real" retainer. Well, now my back-up is my only option. It's not as good, and I feel my teeth moving (it's a small change, but still...). Anyways, the point of this whole retainer discussion is to show that I'm still not "over" forgetting my bag. And just when I think I'm over it and can move-on, I'm reminded (every night) as I brush my teeth, that I lost my "good" retainer and the thought cycle repeats with the above statements and regrets.

Maybe this is silly to some and ridiculous to others. But I've spent majority of nights crying in anger before I go to sleep. A couple nights ago, I basically pleaded with God to do a miracle...to bring back my bag! It was a low point.

So, now I post this potentially embarrassing story to ask for your prayers. I want to be freed from this cycle of stress, regret, anger, and sadness. Especially over something that seems as silly as a bag. I realized last night that I need to first ask forgiveness from God for things I said to Him in anger, but then I  need to forgive myself. I'm so angry with myself for being so forgetful and clueless. I don't trust myself with anything valuable now. I'm so afraid that I'll just forget it somewhere. Especially when I travel public transit (which is pretty much everyday going to and from work). I don't want to live in fear of forgetting something else or regret any longer. Thank you for praying for freedom and rebuilding my trust that God will provide what I need, when I need it. I tend to forget that about our Father...

Peace.

Prayer

It is January and for the Church of the Redeemer, that means it's time for Prayer and Fasting together as a church body. This is to help us focus and be attentive to the things God is doing both in our church community and in the larger LA community that we serve. Since I've moved to LA and joined Redeemer, this time has been both a challenge and a gift. This year, I'm hoping to experience something entirely new in my prayer and fasting times. I'm hoping to experience Jesus in a way that I can't say I ever have before. I want intimacy and deep healing from Jesus. I have recently been reminded just how broken and lost I feel. I feel a hole within my heart that continues to grow. I've been searching for something and not finding it. I wish I could say I have always known that I was searching for Jesus, but I can't. Sometimes I replace Jesus with ________ (food, friends, etc.). Instead of looking for more Jesus in my life, I look for more food. I look for more time with friends. Well, now I want to look for more time with Jesus...

So, as I pray and fast not only for my family and my neighborhood, I will also be praying and expecting Jesus to show-up for me.

Please join me in prayer as I wait expectantly for Jesus to come into my life in a way that is completely new and refreshing to my soul.

Peace.