Hello friends! There have been a few things that I wanted to update you on in my life as well as ask for help and encouragement.
For the first time in my life, I find myself in a romantic relationship. He is a wonderful, sweet, handsome, and kind man. But that's all the mush you'll get from me... for now.
I'm writing this post because I'm still finding the whole thing hard to believe. You see, I had spent the better part of the past two years preparing for a life of being single. Some days I was motivated by self-pity and other days it was a deep-rooted sense that the "single life" was the life God was asking of me. I started operating in the mindset that I need to find my value and joy in life as a single woman apart from romance. I was not interested in dating or trying to find someone because I wanted to show the world happiness does not lie in romantic relationships alone (a statement I still very much believe to be true).
After spending 28 years single, I learned that the importance of relationships includes those with your family and friends, not just who you marry. I never saw romance as something I was entitled to experience or have in my life and I still don't believe anyone is entitled to date. I do believe we are called to relationships, but our view is so skewed and broken that we wrongfully focus on romance and tend to neglect the life-long friendships and close bonds we can have with our mothers, fathers, siblings, cousins, etc, etc.
Since I was planning to spend my life being "the forever single girl" in my social circles (and actually found peace with that identity) how the heck did I find myself in a dating relationship?
I had begun to feel more depressed and saw people around me experiencing changes in their jobs, school, finances, or relationships and I felt as if my life looked exactly the same as it did 10 years ago. I was still single, no career, same job for 7 years, and nothing good (or so I told myself). In a moment of desperation I decided to sign up for a dating app simply as a game. I'd seen a few YouTube videos talking about how shallow it is and how it can be almost seen as a game. I had little invested in the entire process other than entertainment and potentially getting some "practice dates" so I would have funny/crazy stories to tell my friends. That seemed like an easy way for me to socially fit in with dating conversations even though I knew it wouldn't lead to a relationship.
Now, after making it official with the boy, I find myself in a weird state of re-discovering my identity. It's gotten easier as the weeks have progressed, but I still feel very aware that something has changed. I'm no longer that single lady I held onto so tightly for 28 years, but instead I'm a hybrid of who I once was and who I am now. Don't for a second believe that I've forgotten the struggles of being single or that I've lost the insecurity that I carried. Those aspects are still very much a part of who I am; the context in which they show themselves is the biggest difference. These days I see how my insecurities can affect him and how we both need to work on caring well for each other as well as ourselves in order to make this thing last.
Which brings me to the support that I'll need in this next season of life. Not only am I in a new relationship, but I will also begin therapy next week. I've been seeing a career counselor for a few months to discover what career I want to pursue and through the course of our conversations, the next best step in my life is to pursue healing and "table" the career search. I have wounds that remain open and have now created a very large barrier that has made it almost impossible to move forward in my life. My therapist and I discovered that I struggle to find my own voice (which isn't helpful for someone who enjoys writing as much as I do) and that prevents me from knowing myself well enough to know the path I want in my life. These issues also affect my friendships, my time with family, and my new relationship which only adds more motivation for me to find healing.
So I ask that you, reader of my thoughts, support me through prayer, conversations, and time spent with me so that our relationship can continue even in this time of deep reflection and healing. I want my life to be immersed in community because if I am isolated in this time, I fear the stronghold of depression will take over, and I just can't go through that again. I also ask for your patience with me for the next couple of months. I will do my best to support and care for you, but I do ask for your grace and forgiveness for the times I screw up or let you down. I don't know if I'll be operating at full capacity but I'll do my best. And that's all I ask of you in return. Some might be uncomfortable dealing with me and the emotions I'll be working through...and that's ok. I learned last year that depression can be difficult to navigate but it also provides a great filter for who will be in my life when the going gets tough and who won't. I'm grateful for those who have remained in my life who are willing to continue together just as much as I'm grateful for the ability to weed out the chaff [see: metaphor definition].
I love and appreciate each of you <3
