IF: Gathering

I have so many thoughts about the IF: Gathering women's conference I attended this weekend that I'm having a hard time collecting all my thoughts and the sermons/speakers associated with each breakthrough I had. The conference was so much better and more powerful than I had ever imagined, which shows you just how little I expect of God...silly me.

I want to share all of the scriptures and thoughts that speakers like Christine Caine, Jo Saxton, Jen Hatmaker, and others gave on trusting in God's goodness, taking that step of faith into the unknown, and being bold and courageous to follow the path God has made for you. But they were so rich in depth that I'll have to wait until some videos are placed online to share the power/impact of their words with you. I even purchased a pre-ordered DVD of the entire conference because I knew God had more for me in those sermons and I wasn't even taking notes (...again silly me!).

What I can share with you are my thoughts and action plans in response to what I heard and felt God leading me into for the next chapter of my life. While there isn't ONE clear path for me, I feel stronger in my desire to be a bridge builder between Lesbian/Gay/Bisexual/Transgender + community and Jesus than ever before. The entire conference was about empowering women in our communities and freeing women to take bold steps of faith in things that others might fear walking into. Maybe it's because I've had difficult personal conversations about my own sexuality with close friends or maybe it's because God truly is laying a foundation for me to follow Him into, but I couldn't help but think about my LGBT+ brothers and sisters the entire weekend. I cried for a lot of reasons at the conference, but none more than thinking about how deeply I desire for Jesus to break through the walls our culture and society have built between these two groups. I want to walk around the walls, for days and days, and then YELL with a mighty ROAR to have those walls crumble to the ground like in Joshua 6 with the walls of Jericho.

I'll tell you right now... I'm scared. I have no idea what response I'll get or what success I'll have in starting something that I haven't seen done before. But I feel a movement in my spirit to take bolder steps and see how God comes through for me. Honestly, I might sound like I have some grand plan or blueprint that I'm looking at but there's nothing except the dark unknown. All I have is a leading in my heart and faith that if I act I will see God do mighty things. I'm tired of just waiting. I'm tired of just hoping but doing nothing to see change. So here I am God. Shaking and trembling, but faithful. Let's see what you have for me and for this broken world.

As is typical at conferences like this, they usually have some response/action to solidify what God placed in our hearts and this conference was no exception. They had us write on rocks (and thankfully we got to keep ours) to represent the building blocks of faith for what God stirred in our hearts. Below is my rock along with the necklace they gave us.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go" Joshua 1:9

There are more discoveries I had this weekend, but I'll save those for another post. This feels like a good place to instead turn the tables and ask you..What is God calling you to step into? What holds you back from following Him into what He's calling you towards?

I'd love to hear from you in the comments below OR through email at: engannon@gmail.com

Blessings my friends.

Highs and Lows

I've written about this in previous posts, so excuse my repetition, but I'm constantly reminded that life is filled with the highs and lows and they are often existing in the same moment. I wish this weren't true, but I seem to find myself most drawn to writing when life is at its low moments. I want that to change however, so I'm going to include the good things that are also happening alongside the lows I've experienced lately. Life is better balanced anyway...right?

I recently started seeing someone through Kaiser to help with depression care and while we've only met once, I already feel extremely hopeful and encouraged. She's not a therapist but she helps patients set goals and try to keep life going when we feel as though life has slowed down due to depression and lack of motivation. It's pretty close to what I was looking for last year when I saw a therapist through Soul Restoration project out in Orange County. The best part is that it's free so it's not adding an additional financial burden to seek help!

The timing couldn't have been more perfect because I've found myself spiraling down back into familiar depression stages. I've struggled sleeping through the night, fallen back on bad eating habits, and lost motivation to care not only for my own life but for others. Unfortunately, it's a vicious cycle because the less I care about eating well the deeper I fall in feeling depressed and round and around we go. I'm so thankful that I began seeing her last week and thankful that it'll be a more extended time seeing her every other week for a few months.

I started an actual adult budget with the help of a family friend and it's been the perfect mixture of happiness and pain. It's painful to track where you spend money when you aren't used to the details of your day. However, it's also empowering to know where you spend money and have the ability to determine what takes priority in your life. I'm not too far into debt but I definitely need to pay off some credit cards and pay back some generous friends so that I can get my life in order.

That's it for this short and sweet little update. I'm hoping to work on another post for the beginning of February dreams for the future!

Once again, thanks for reading these updates and for sticking with me through all the highs and (mainly) lows that I tend to share. I'm so thankful for each and every eye that gives this little piece of my heart some time and attention.

When Doctors Attack

Feeling violated by a doctor is never good.

I recently visited my doctor for a yearly checkup to make sure everything is in the right place and working as it should, you know being an adult and all. My normal doctor was out on maternity leave so I settled for another doctor because I didn't want to put this off any longer. There are a few issues that I've needed to have addressed by a doctor so I went ahead and made the appointment.

The day of the appointment came and I was feeling pretty good and excited to see what the doctor would have to say.

I walked in and agreed to a few procedures that I had been avoiding, and walked into the exam room. The nurse told me the doctor would be in soon...she said that he would be right in. HE. I specifically asked for a female doctor. I turned towards her as she was about to walk out and stopped her by asking, "Wait...it's a guy?"  YES. This was the beginning of the quick downward fall of this horrible doctors visit.

After several extremely anxious minutes, he walked in and greeted me semi-coldly, as I sat in my gown completely vulnerable. He was pleasant enough, but he moved very quickly to rush me through the procedures and not listening to what I had to say about a single thing. While this upsets me now, at the time, I felt powerless and simply allowed it to happen. The exam was uncomfortable and awkward enough and I basically went inside myself to hide. I didn't have any thoughts or words come to mind that I could say to him about how horrible he was treating me. He was doing something very personal and yet he gave me no warning and insisted on talking about the weight loss options Kaiser offers compared to surgery as he is completing the exam. No. Don't do this. I'm fine with being touched because you are a doctor and there is a nurse in the room to oversee what you are doing. But I would appreciate you telling me what the hell you are doing instead of discussing the weight loss shakes or classes as you touch my chest and other areas.

I did tear up after it was over and he asked if I was alright. I told him I was embarrassed (which I regret saying) and he casually said what I never want to hear a doctor say to any patient ever again: "It's okay. I'm a doctor". This in NO WAY makes it alright for you to treat a patient so robotically and emotionless. Don't get me wrong, I've seen enough Grey's Anatomy episodes to know that doctors do need to guard their own hearts against all of the ugliness in their job (illness, death, etc.) but this was an exam that needed some sympathy and less mechanics.

I'm much better now than I was as I walked out of the exam room. I felt the need to share this completely personal post to anyone reading my blog because I want you to know what I didn't at the time. Stand up for yourself. Speak up and request what you are going to need in order to be comfortable and feel okay about the situation. What that doctor did wasn't professional and he made me feel violated. Don't let this happen to you. My mom gave me some advice that I'm going to offer you now: If you aren't comfortable... tell someone and change it. Make a different appointment, request a new doctor, speak up!

Our words have value and we are worth the extra time/staff that it takes to give us a proper visit with our health care providers.

I'll Be There For You...

Raise your hand if you grew up believing your best friends would look like the cast photo above.

*Raises both hands* 

I wonder how many of us would keep those hands raised when asked if those beliefs actually became reality? 

[Warning: No answers to life's tough questions can be found in this post. Simply this girl's thoughts and feelings]

Friendship is a hard thing. It's a relationship that takes work, trust, honesty, and communication. Some friendships last forever and some only for a season. Personally I tend to be a hard friend for people to keep because I'm constantly doubting the intentions of those around me and that's no place to nurture trust. Oh, I know I have issues! I don't have a lot of experience being a friend. It's a fairly recent experience for me since I didn't have any true friends until college. That's where I finally began hanging out with people. I was invited to dinner and hang outs and began having a social life. People even came to my dorm/apartment simply to chat. It was a completely new experience and I quickly learned that I was NOT good at it. I kept asking myself, "Why do they keep coming over?" or "What do they want?" but the answer was simply to spend time with me. I was baffled. 

After 4 years of hands on "friend training" I felt pretty comfortable in myfriendships. I was confident in my communication and conflict resolution skills (thanks Intervarsity) and I was actively trying to trust that people liked me (although it's still a struggle). But then I moved away from all my friends who "trained" me and moved into a completely new group of people. On top of all that, I moved to the inner city of South Los Angeles where everything was unfamiliar. Those were the hardest years for me on a multitude of levels. I lost all my confidence and even some of my friends. What little trust in people that I had gained in college, was lost. Some of my biggest regrets come from that time in my life. 

That post-college time period is when your friendships are put to the test. Will they withstand a drastic change in distance, passions, and energy levels? Let's be real, we're all tired during the transition into full-time work. It's a lot more draining that most of us admit. We no longer have a few hours in between classes to catch up on life. We rarely have time to cry, laugh, or even eat together. Some of our friendships dwindle and eventually die out simply due to malnutrition. If we don't feed and nurture our friendships, they die. Thankfully, I have a few that stuck it out and are still my friends today. Even through those dark, post college years...they remained my friends.

Now, however, I find myself with a stronger confidence but lack of friendship.  In an attempt to protect myself, I put up barriers. Told myself that I can no longer continue to give away parts of myself to people who don't deserve it. The sad outcome of this defense is not having any friends. *Dramatic pause * Obviously I still have some friends, but still feel very lonely. Many if my friends have moved to foreign countries or have begun their own lives separate of mine. It's a lonely place trying to find friends these days. 

I've had (and continue to have) close friends and we've had deep conversations about life, love, and everything in between. But I hesitate to call them "best" friends because I've had to filter myself with them for various reasons and honestly, how can you call someone your BEST friend and yet not share certain things with them? You can't. Don't get me wrong, I love the small number of friends that I do have. Most of them are International now so that's tough...and I do love each of them dearly, but the search continues for my best friend.

Also, I've come to learn that the older we get, the harder it is to make new friends; how annoying is that? Now that I'm in a place where I know myself better and can be a better friend, I find I am often alone. Those pesky trust issues that I mentioned earlier don't help, but that's besides the point. I've been burned by  people I trusted far too much recently and that has left me feeling disappointed.

To all my friends out there, past and present, I'm sorry if I ever let you down... I've been let down too though. Words don't have a high value in my life because I've seen promises turn to lies far to often to trust what's spoken. I trust actions and intentions. And being my friend means knowing this about me: I don't trust easily; but when I do, it's for life.

I'll say it again: Friendship is hard. But I have to believe that it's worth the struggle if the outcome is deep and meaningful relationships. That's what makes life worth it, right? So I continue to fight for the friends I still have (the ones worth fighting for anyways) and disengage with those who have hurt me. Friendship isn't always pretty, but if done well, it's a thing of beauty.


"Love is blind. Friendship tries not to notice" -Unknown

January 1st, 2014...

...was a new day!

I'm rusty on my blog writing skills. I figure I needed a warm up sentence to get the juices flowing since my last post was nearly 2 months ago :)

So, I'm not usually the type of person who thinks, "Oh yeah!!! I'm gonna OWN this year. 2014 is MY time to shine" with the new year. In fact, I can tell you that I've never had those thoughts run through my head.

This year, however, does feel different than previous years. Particularly compared to 2013. Whew, that year kicked my ass and I'm still licking my wounds. Most of my friends know that I'm not good with change and 2013 was filled with major life changes that made the last part of the year an intense uphill battle. Everything felt harder and heavier. Getting to work became a daily struggle. Eating healthy was near impossible after 3 hours commuting on trains and trams every day. Seeing the positives in my life became a challenge. 

These changes are still hard to get through... but it's becoming more manageable with each passing month.

But all of that was so 2013 and I'm so ready for change to be a positive in my life! Thankfully, the start of the year has been one of the best I can remember. My day consisted of:  Sleeping in, praying/writing at Starbucks, returning to the gym, cleaning/organizing my room, and starting Breaking Bad on Netflix. BEST.DAY.EVER. And maybe that makes me a nerd but I couldn't be bothered to care. It was an amazing feeling. I felt hope and excitement for the first time in weeks.

There are still dark days when I can't handle life outside my own head, but thankfully there are also going to be days when life is a little brighter and I can handle the hard stuff more easily.

Here's to new beginnings and a fresh start. 

Things I Learned: September

I haven't written a post in a while, so I figure I would look back on September and see what lessons I've learned! My inspiration for this post is from Larissa Marks' post, which can be found here! The lessons can be profound, but most are mundane. In no particular order:

1. Having life rhythms keeps me sane: Moving to Fullerton has messed up all my habits and practices, and that's driving me nuts. I'm at the mercy of trams, train schedules, and metro rails just to get to and from work everyday and I'm exhausted. My goal for October is to find my new rhythm and hopefully my sanity will follow.

2. Trains can be fascinating research into human interaction: I take three different trains depending on when I wake up and when I need to be at work, but on each train there are the usual suspects. The "regulars" who know one another but on a strictly train-only basis, the bicyclists, the business men and women in tennis shoes and suits, and everyone in between. My findings so far: people are the weirdest creatures.

3. Concerts are expensive: Especially when you get to see Katy Perry, Justin Timberlake, and Walk the Moon in the same month! #humblebrag

4. Netflix is the best boyfriend: No explanation needed.

5. Sam and Dean Winchester are probably my favorite characters....ever: Yep, bringing up Supernatural again, but can you blame a girl?

 

6. I'm definitely a cat person: Living with a dog is so much harder than living with a cat. I know Joon was the BEST CAT EVER, but still. #catsrule is my new motto.

7. Asking for help is harder than it seems: Especially when you're not sure who to ask or even what kind of help you really need. That's why friendships are so important. I didn't particularly "learn" this in September, but was reminded of it's value.

8. I've gained new-found hope in building bridges between LGBT and churches/christians: Participating in a reading group of Andrew Marin's book "Love is an Orientation" with a church in Fullerton has been a highlight of moving there. I really enjoy our weekly discussions and am challenged by it each week. <3

9. Working out is fun! But you actually have to do it: This is actually an on-going lesson for me. Ugh. Working out, weight loss, all of that.

10. Never thought I would say this, but: I miss living in LA. Not all the time...but sometimes.

What did you learn in September?

Summer of '98

Today is a strange day. This post is going to be a strange post. But let's go with it...

When I was 12 years old I met the love(s) of my life.
From the moment our eyes met, we knew nothing could keep us apart.
I saved every picture, planned out dates according to their schedule, and I fully supported each of their new endeavors. 

Yes, I am talking about Nsync. My family can attest to my devotion to anything (and everything) that they did. And now with the uproar over the rumored "reunion" at the VMAs (crossing fingers SOMETHING happens on Sunday!) I can't help but look back and remember just what this boy band meant to me back then and what it means now.

Back in the summer of 1998 my family was struggling with the diagnosis my grandma had been given. After being sick for a long time, they finally knew it was cancer. I was 12 years old and going back and forth between my mom's place, dad's place, and grandma's house so that my mom could care for grandma. In the midst of the sadness and chaos, I happen to be watching Disney Channel and saw a concert special promo featuring a group I had never heard. Little did I know that the Nsync Disney concert would not only be the spark of my Nsync obsession, but also the thread that tied my entire summer together.

I can't remember the first time I saw this concert. But I can say that I must have watched it (either on TV or from my recorded tape) at least 100 times (no joke) throughout that summer. It was that time in life when boys became...... BOYS. So having 5 guys dance around and make you fall in love with them was welcomed. Even my grandma would comment on how much we watched it! I got my brother to watch, my cousins, aunts and uncles; everyone watched! Mind you there was only one TV in the house at the time, but that's besides the point! Looking back now, I can see why everyone allowed me to watch these boys dance around...they all knew. You see, being 12 years old, I couldn't really handle the reality of death. So this concert became my safe place. These 5 boys became my escape. 

That summer most days were spent with family; sitting around enjoying one another, watching TV, and caring for one another along with enjoying what moments we had with grandma. It was the most bittersweet summer of my entire life. I had all this family around me and yet it was all to mourn the nearing loss of someone so close to my heart. It was the first death that I can remember really being touched by. She was my caretaker for so many years and we spent MANY weekends with her prior to all of this happening. She was the best grandma I could have asked for. 

The summer of 1998 was a turning point in my life and I'll be forever changed by the experiences I shared, bonds that were made, and memories I'll keep forever. You may think it silly, but Nsync brought me closer to my family that summer and are forever linked to everything that happened. They got me through my grandma's death and continue to make me smile when I look back at old pictures or watch concert footage. One of my cousins (who was also obsessed and would watch the concert right by my side) would always say that Nsync came on the radio during moments we were crying because they knew. I know that's crazy now, but 12 year old me believed it to be true. I smile thinking about how real that was for me and how innocent a thought it was to get me through my sadness. 

Regardless of whether the reunion happens or not, having them back in pop culture discussions this week has meant the world to me. You see today, August 22nd, is the day my grandma passed away that summer. So having them back in my life for this brief moment as we reflect on her life and today's anniversary of her death has brought it all full circle. Once again they are there to comfort me and bring a smile to my face as tears fall from my eyes. 

They'll never read this, but I can't help but say thanks to them for what role they've played. These guys brought me into adolescence and made me happy. They distracted me from the ugliness life can throw at you and replaced it with catchy songs and teenage dreams. They entertained me back then and continue to do so today. Thanks guys. 

Grandma Nora, I miss you so much. 15 years has passed so quickly. I hope I've become the woman you wanted me to be. I can't wait until I can see you again.  

Grandma (holding baby brother), Mom, and myself (looking away).

Reflections on 2012

I'm "taking" this blog post from Larissa, Reflections on 2012 , and copying it for myself! I love reflection and these questions are fun! Took me longer than I thought, but here ya go!

1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?
Met people in person that I had been friends with online (mainly twitter).  

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't remember making any resolutions actually. 2012 was a rough year and started out pretty rough too. But hopefully 2013 is better! Haven't made any "resolutions" but I have made habitual change goals (which sounds like fancy resolutions) to not pile up clothes in my bedroom and eat better!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
The inspiration for this blog entry, Larissa did! She welcomed her daughter Alex in August!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Death is unfortunately a big part of my extended family experience. My mom's uncle died the day after my birthday this year :( (plus others throughout the year). 

5. What countries did you visit?
None.

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?
More traveling and weight loss.

7. What dates from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
January 2012 will always be "Darren on Broadway" in my mind. Specifically January 12th when we saw the show! 

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Hmm, I lacked a lot of achievements this year (in my mind). 

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not staying with any weight loss program :( 

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Some illness when it got cold again but nothing major. 

11. What was the best thing you bought?
I'm not too sure...hmm, possibly Downton Abbey Season 2 dvd? 

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
I'm not sure if he reads this, but my brother Josh. He bought us all Christmas presents this year and what's impressive was that he put thought and SO MUCH MORE effort than he ever has before. Although we never asked for gifts, it's nice to see my brother mature into someone who thinks about us once in a while. <3 I was impressed and felt very loved!  

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Hmm. Other "fans" at concerts upset me at times...

14. Where did most of your money go?
Eating out :( 

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
 Watching Netflix on my TV at home! Took us way too long to figure out it could be done through our Wii System! 

16. What song will always remind you of 2012?
 Call Me, Maybe.... 

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
b) thinner or fatter?
c) richer or poorer?
 Sadder, fatter, but richer! haha. Working to change those first two this year (I'll be posting more soon). 

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Sing in front of people and pursue more musical hobbies. Oh Also dates. I wanna go on more of those...

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? 
Eat out.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
With my mom and brother in a house we had to call our own! It was glorious. One of the best Christmases our family has had in a while (for me at least). 

21. How did you spend New Year's?
 Original plan was to escape to the Grand Canyon, but snow ruined that plan. So my friend and I stayed in our PJ's and watched Glee all night. It was pretty awesome. 

22. Did you fall in love in 2012?
Nope. 

23. How many one night stands?
None.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Downton Abbey.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No.

26. What was the best book you read?
The Fault in Our Stars by John Green.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Walk the Moon. Without question! See videos below!

28. What did you want and get?
iPad

29. What did you want and not get?
Too many things to mention... 

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
I really liked Argo...I don't know why but I have a hard time recalling movies I have seen...

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I went to California Adventure with my dad and his friends. I turned 26.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Seeing Darren perform live and/or getting to say hello to him again. Not sure this will happen ever again, but I'm sure hoping it will! Maybe when we work together professionally?! *crosses fingers*

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?
Comfort and flattery. I hope to become more fashionable this year.

34. What kept you sane?
Moments alone and cuddles with Joon (my cat). 

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
 Darren Criss (always) and my newest love, Kevin Ray. 

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
LGBTQ Equality and discussions.

37. Who did you miss?
I missed the college version of myself a lot this year. I thought a lot about who I was in college and who I am now. I think I liked myself better in college...

38. Who was the best new person you met? 
All my twitter friends. Courtney, Morgan, Ana, Rebecca, and Teddy. I love them all so dearly and so glad something as silly as twitter brought us together. And any new friends that I keep meeting too!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012. 
Getting to know yourself is one of the hardest and best things anyone can do.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I must have tumbled out of a plane, 'cuz I free fell all year. 

Here is an old concert of them playing the song. 

Acoustic version that I love.

Thanks Larissa for the inspiration! I hope to do this each year! 

Two Sides

So. I feel kinda weird because there's this YouTube thing I'm doing, but then there is this blog thing I've done for a while now. They feel so different and yet, in my last post, I brought them together.

I don't regret posting the link and I definitely don't regret doing the YouTube channel. However, I can't help but continually ask myself how I am going to blend the two together?

*Pauses to think*

The only (potential) answer I've come up with is NOT to blend them. Sure, I'll post links to videos or mention my blog on my channel once in a while...but these seem like two very different sides of myself and I don't want to confuse the two with each other.

The only other thought I have on the matter is having this be a written response (or lead-in) to the videos I make. Since they are both still me...it seems fair to believe they will "interact" with one another. I might comment further on my videos here instead of make hour long videos of my rambling on. I also think that video is another great outlet to think/process/reflect on life and things happening to me (which was the purpose for this blog initially). So they are definitely related. Cousins perhaps.

Ingrid (my roommate) mentioned this idea she read about that got me thinking A LOT about this issue. This book mentions having different sides within ourselves. There is the creative side and there is also the practical side. Hopefully I'm not misquoting the author (or Ingrid) by saying this. She mentioned that we need to create a space for the creative side to thrive and not let the practical side interfere WHILE we are working with our creative side. It's as though they are two completely separate people. And I have definitely felt the practical me barge into my head space while the creative me was trying to make a video or write a blog. Creative juices become rotting doubt. I second guess myself instead of allowing my idea to flourish and potentially become something great!

So I'm going to try and create a space were the practical me ISN'T ALLOWED TO BE. I'll be sure to keep you updated as I look for where this will actually be :)  I don't think it HAS to be a physical space, although that would be nice.

That's all i got for right now.

See you in either written or video form :)

Gobble Gobble

I rarely write out the things that I am thankful for because it always felt super cheesy and contrived. This year, however, feels like an extraordinary year in the scheme of the 25 I've had so far. So, with all that said, here is my list of things that I'm thankful for:

• The Gift of Music: This year, I've re-discovered my love of all things musical.
• First was my love for Glee (rejuvenated love that is). It's a weird love affair because I know in my TV-writer heart that it's poorly written and inconsistent. But I can't help but love the musical numbers, love certain characters (Klaine), and enjoy the occasional good storyline. 
• Then came my love for Starkid and their first big musical "A Very Potter Musical". Stemmed from Darren being on Glee, I found myself inspired to check out his earlier work. Best decision I've made this past year. This has been the gateway to so many good things in my life, and for that I'm so thankful to them. 
• I began taking voice lessons! Second best decision I've made this year. Each session is challenging and life-giving in equal measure. This is the most active and creative way I see God working in my life. And it's all through my singing. I love it. 

• The Gift of Freedom: This is something that has been evolving since my years in college, but this year in particular has been a huge year of breaking chains that have held me down and releasing things to God.
•  I am actively working to restore and repair my relationship with God. Each breakthrough brings freedom to our relationship and freedom in my heart to accept His love more and more.
• I have also experienced freedom to express myself to God honestly. I have some deep hurts and disappointments with God, and I feel free now to express and release those to Him and trust they will be redeemed and restored. 
• I have gained freedom to be myself and freedom to accept who I am, both physically and emotionally. I haven't always liked who I was or how I looked, but God is freeing my sight to see what He sees in me. Definitely a work in progress, but I'm so thankful for what glimpses He's given me so far...

• The Gift of Friendship: This year has been a roller coaster of community and friendship for me. There were definitely dark times when I doubted each of my friendships and community. I doubted that I could be loved by any of them and felt like starting over. But God is good to me and brought people (some I'd known and some I didn't until recently) to remind me that friendship is worth fighting for and I am capable of being loved by my friends. I knew friendship was important, but this year has reminded me just how much friends bring to my life. I'm so thankful you've all stuck around for me, even when I wasn't the best friend back to you. 
• God has also given me a great community of people who want to be better and want to support one another. I love my corner community for what we are trying to be. We aren't perfect, but we are trying to be better together :) So grateful! 

• The Gift of Love: I haven't always felt like love was part of my life, mainly because I narrowly thought "love" looked a certain way. But this year, I've been better able to recognize when I'm loved and that has given me the ability to love others better so they feel that love in return. 
• I have always had a great family who loves and supports me. I seriously don't know where I would be without them. I love you. 
• This might be mushy, but I'm just thankful that God gave us the ability to love each other. It amazes me when I see an act of love shared between people. I'm so thankful.   

I hope that we are able to see what gifts we have been given and appreciate how much we are loved and seen by God. We have so much to be thankful for, if only we would take the time to reflect on the blessings we have been given. 

Happy Thanksgiving <3

This past weekend, I saw the movie  J. Edgar starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Armie Hammer. I had not seen one trailer or clip from the film prior to this weekend. The only piece of information I had was a movie poster I saw in Hollywood a few weeks back. I had no idea what the story would focus on when I entered the movie theater. I was pleasantly surprised during the film because I found myself captivated and moved by the story unfolding before me. I am not a historian and there are many important people that I do not know much about, one of them being J. Edgar Hoover. So I let the film tell me his story without knowing what's fact, fiction, or a mixture of the two.

I'll be the first to admit that I am not a "film" person because my media-loving heart leans heavily towards television (which is seen as the bastard stepchild of film in some circles). That being said, I loved this movie! The reason I loved it is similar to the reason I prefer TV, which is that its a character driven story. If I fall in love with your character (and yes, I do fall in love with fictional characters) then you will have a loyal fan in me.

All that being said, I found the characters in J. Edgar intriguing enough to keep my attention and wonder what will happen between each of the relationships in the film. The main character himself is an odd man, who seems to have a slight speech impediment, lack of social skills, and a temper that is hard to comprehend because its so sudden and unexpected by both the on-screen cast and the audience watching. And yet,  I saw through his anger and isolation, a man holding onto deep personal secrets (and not limited to his own, but also the secrets of those around him). Throughout the film, I could see the wear and tear these secrets had on him as a person and it broke my heart. We were not created to hold such deep secrets in our hearts, and this film illustrates what that can do to a person if they try.

Armie Hammer really held my heart through the entire film. I love his performance as a gentle and smart man, with secrets of his own to protect. He plays Hoover's assistant and confidante in all matters of the job. I won't spoil you too much, but their friendship is beautiful, sad, and tragic. I enjoyed watching Armie (what a name, right?) in a character so drastically different than what he has previously played (The Social Network). He was compassionate and loving, honest and humble. <3

Ultimately, this is not a movie review. I am not a film critic. I take in movies and experience the emotions they bring up within me rather than analyze specific shots, color contrasts, or technical details in the film-making process. This movie moved me to tears. My heart ached watching  J. Edgar work so hard for his job, for his family, and for justice and yet his life and love limited, and in some ways avoided. I felt bad for him because he was so close to something meaningful and yet so far away from being able to accept it.

God has given me an extremely soft heart for the issues brought up in the film and for that I am so thankful to Him. I haven't always had this heart for the LGBT community, but I'm glad He has opened my heart to love and encourage those around me.

 I will not give answers to those hard questions you maybe asking or wondering about me. That's not my job. But I will say that I loved this movie because it moved me. It made me feel something deep in my heart for those who are told they cannot love...and my heart was broken.

Our world has enough hate in it, we don't need to spread anymore.

I encourage you to see the film and think about what it brings up for you. Then we can discuss!

Peace <3