Commitment

"You are just afraid of commitment" 

A friend of mine said this to me back when we were in college and it was bizarre to hear those words said about me to my face. I never considered myself a person who feared commitment, but ever since she called that out in me, I have been able to see it more and more. I could never commit to just one favorite actor, one favorite food, not even one favorite type of music. (Hint: I basically have no favorites because everything is my favorite, except Jensen Ackles..he's FOR SURE my favorite.) I still struggle with this to this day! As I've written in past posts, I've had a lot of options laid before me in terms of what my next steps might be and I find myself stuck. I'm unable to commit to one option for fear that one of the others would be the better choice. There is always that lingering question of, "What if..." that ties me down.

I'm not sure how much this plays into my fear of commitment, but I also find that my interests vary and that I have waves of high interest and low interest within each aspect of my life. Some months I love YouTube and I watch all my subscriptions each week...and some months I couldn't be bothered to even login and see what videos are being made. This is true also when I think about my job (love it...and also kinda hate it), my education goals, dating...you get the picture.

Even this quote scares the crap out of me. 

However, I've decided that it's high time for me to actually choose one thing and stick with  it regardless of the outcome. And I choose YOU blog readers! I'm committing myself to writing more often and consistently on this blog and see where this road takes me. Could I focus on other projects/desires? Yes...but I have always loved writing on this blog and writing in general so it makes the most sense to continue doing what I love.

In all honesty, even as I type this sentence my brain is saying, "What about YouTube? Or what about going back to school?! What about _____" but I'm just going to place those on another shelf for another time. If something changes, I'll pursue whatever comes up.

What I ask of you is accountability. Keep me in line if you haven't heard from me! Remind me of my commitment when I whine about not knowing what to do with my time/life. I want this to be as communal as a blog can be! Join me on this journey :)

Here's to commitment!

Knowing Next Moves

I've been at my job 5 years now.

Whew.

When did THAT happen? It feels like just yesterday that I was hired full-time and so flipping relieved to have employment and a regular paycheck. In fact, I remember running into someone from high school during my lunch break one day (she was a transfer student and therefore hadn't graduated yet) and she judged me SO HARD for not doing what I  "went to school for". I remember thinking she was so naive (having not graduated herself and still in the mindset that she would for sure use her degree). I also remember feeling so relieved to have found full-time work that I didn't even consider WHAT I was doing. I had loans to pay off, rent to pay, groceries to buy, and life to live! While her comment did irk me a little, I didn't allow it to fester...until now.

When thinking about what to write for this post, I remembered that interaction; and feelings of jealousy, angst, anger, and bitter disappointment came rushing to my heart. I never imagined that my life would look anything like it does now. While I was never a big "dreamer" I never thought I would be "that girl". You all know her. You might even be her (or him). She's the girl that loved her major and assumed she would work in the field she studied in college... but life happened... and now she's an office worker. She's stuck behind the cubicle and hates it. It's a common trope now in many stories we see in TV, movies, and books. The character that works a shitty job but dreams of more (See: Secret Life of Walter Mitty, Office Space, etc.)

It's hard for me to write this post because I don't have any answers. Sure, the easy answer is: Find new employment. But there's so much packed into that statement that would need to unpack before I even begin to search elsewhere...

I'm stuck asking questions like, "What is my calling?" or "What do I want my life to look like in 5 years?" The most depressing part of answering those questions is that I don't have an answer. I don't even have a lofty, pie-in-the-sky type of answer. How does one figure out their calling? How do you just know what you're meant to do? And on the less fun, more practical side of things: who says you are meant to even have a "dream job"? I mean, someone has to be the customer service person who gets yelled at for bullshit things like entitlement and listening to rich people problems, right? Who decides which of us gets the dream job and which gets yelled at on the regular?

There's also the issue of living in America vs. any other country. We have this idea that we buy into called "The American Dream". We are told, especially my generation, that you should reach for your dreams and not to settle for any thing. But can everyone really be a pop star, model, dancer, etc.? Can we all become exactly what we thought we wanted when we were 5 years old? Reality is, no we can't.  Most of us will be in cubicles and I assume only a small percentage of us will be happy about it. It's the job that everyone mocks or uses as their example of a "bad job" and yet so many offices around the world are filled with cubicle employees.

Welcome to my brain! These are the conversations that I'm constantly having with myself and talking myself in circles. It's exhausting and extremely depressing. How do you actually change your entire life? How do you actually decide to take the leap and alter the entire direction of your life?

If anyone has answers or thoughts, I need to hear them below. Comment, email, anything! I need some motivation and guidance here people!

January 1st, 2014...

...was a new day!

I'm rusty on my blog writing skills. I figure I needed a warm up sentence to get the juices flowing since my last post was nearly 2 months ago :)

So, I'm not usually the type of person who thinks, "Oh yeah!!! I'm gonna OWN this year. 2014 is MY time to shine" with the new year. In fact, I can tell you that I've never had those thoughts run through my head.

This year, however, does feel different than previous years. Particularly compared to 2013. Whew, that year kicked my ass and I'm still licking my wounds. Most of my friends know that I'm not good with change and 2013 was filled with major life changes that made the last part of the year an intense uphill battle. Everything felt harder and heavier. Getting to work became a daily struggle. Eating healthy was near impossible after 3 hours commuting on trains and trams every day. Seeing the positives in my life became a challenge. 

These changes are still hard to get through... but it's becoming more manageable with each passing month.

But all of that was so 2013 and I'm so ready for change to be a positive in my life! Thankfully, the start of the year has been one of the best I can remember. My day consisted of:  Sleeping in, praying/writing at Starbucks, returning to the gym, cleaning/organizing my room, and starting Breaking Bad on Netflix. BEST.DAY.EVER. And maybe that makes me a nerd but I couldn't be bothered to care. It was an amazing feeling. I felt hope and excitement for the first time in weeks.

There are still dark days when I can't handle life outside my own head, but thankfully there are also going to be days when life is a little brighter and I can handle the hard stuff more easily.

Here's to new beginnings and a fresh start. 

Leaving LA: Its Really Happening

I want to start off by saying that I'm not in love with LA. In all honesty, I don't like LA at all.

With that said, I feel sad as I think about moving away from the place I've called home for the past 5 years. I can't help but look back at all the things I've experienced and learned here. These are just some memories that have a story behind them, but I will list the headlines of my time in LA below:

• Moved here for an internship for urban ministry, not knowing WHAT to expect. 
• Had my faith shaken by life and some pretty messed up experiences. 
• Had my iPhone stolen; just to be brought back to me by a good samaritan who saw it happen. 
• Discovered some new-obsessions...YouTube, Darren, etc. 
• Lived in 3 different houses in the course of 5 years. 
• Made new friends using twitter (of all things)
• Stopped going to church  
• Struggled to figure out what I believed in again.
• Took singing lessons and loved every minute of it. 
• Developed a voice that I never knew I had. 
• Continued to grow in my passion for LGBT rights and issues. 
• Worked at L.A. Live at the movie theater as a second job and met some pretty amazing/hilarious people! 

Things I learned here: 

• USC (and the South LA area it's located in) isn't as scary as everyone tells you it is. 
• How to survive without heat or A/C in houses without insulation (which is basically like camping inside your home.)
• Small concerts are WAY better than the huge mega-star concerts. 
• Having a driveway is like owning a treasured jewel, it's so rare and it's a parking space saved just for you! 
• Parking tickets are annoying but definitely part of the LA experience. 

It's been a rollercoaster 5 years but I'm glad I can say that I've lived in LA and I've gained these experiences that I might never had if I stayed in the suburbs. 

BUT! With all that said, I did pack up my life and move back to Fullerton. For various reasons and circumstances, I'm back in the suburbs and I have mixed feelings. It's been a transition week of taking a train into work, driving to the train station, and acclimating to the quiet that is my new home. There's A/C, cable TV, and my own space to retreat to each night. Overall, I'm happy and excited for what's to come from my time here and see where I live after this! 

Thanks to everyone who reads these and has supported me! 

Also, my last post was my 100th post! WOW.  I can't believe it! 

Life Updates in July!

Time sure flies when you're working two jobs!

I've sorely missed writing on this blog. I've missed making YouTube videos (which hopefully changes soon!) And I've especially missed the concept of "weekends". Working at a movie theater on the weekend means I've only had days off for holidays (YAY for 4th of July!) and I'm working on the theater's busiest days ("Give me my POPCORN" the guest screamed into my face...).

....So finding time to relax (sleep) has been challenging.

But this time of craziness is coming to a close! I'm working the next two Fridays (including today when this blog was written) and then I'm free!

But that's not the ONLY update I have for you lovelies! I am also going to be relocating back to where so many things in my life began. Back to my college stomping ground. Back to...Fullerton, CA.
Yep. The bright lights of the city have worn me down and I'm heading back to the suburbs for a while to rest my weary LA soul.

Things you can look forward to: 
A deeper/reflective post about moving away from LA
A NEW YouTube channel!
A more rested and relaxed writer (that's me!)
A...hopefully more postings on this blog (wanted to keep with the theme here)
And, more TV/Film reviews, write-ups, and recaps :)

Whew! THAT is a LOT of updates.

I'm really excited for this new chapter in my life! I think God has some interesting things in store for me and I can't wait to share and experience them all with you!

Life's Craziness

Hey! So I've been pretty M.I.A. lately and I do apologize. The main reason for my relative silence is that I got a second job working weekends at a movie theater! On one hand, it's super exciting to earn extra funds (which will be going towards an exciting adventure in October!) but on the other hand, it's entirely exhausting. The body-aches-sore-muscles-so-tired-you-can't-sleep kind of exhausting. Yea, more exhausting than writing that last sentence even!

So most of my time is spent either at my full-time desk answering emails and phone calls (and on twitter...let's be real) OR I can be found serving popcorn and nachos (which I used to love and now the cheese just melts my flesh as I change it) for anxious moviegoers.

I had been debating getting a second job for a while and when the opportunity came up that the theater was hiring, I felt I should at least apply and see what happens. It's a great gig for me because I get FREE movies (other than opening weekends) and  I'm not working weeknights so it doesn't conflict with my full-time gig. The other reason it works is that it's temporary. It'll end late July and that'll be all. So it's basically like a summer job. Yep, I have a summer job at 26 years old. I'm THAT awesome.

IN OTHER NEWS:
In the past few weeks, some things have happened and I wanted to give a (brief) update:
1.Started (and quickly ended) online dating
2. Got rejected from USC Cinematic Arts
3. Decided to adopt my roommate's cat, like officially
4. Started plans for moving to a new place in August

I know most of those could have posts all to themselves, but I just don't have the time to write them out :(

IN UNRELATED NEWS (to anything in this post): 
My last post dealt with the Veronica Mars kickstarter and since then one of my favorite actors, Zach Braff, began a campagin for his own project. He came under similar criticism about his funding, his "famous" status, and why he used the site for funding. I found this interview in which he explains and answers these critiques in a way that is so perfectly Zach Braff. I haven't supported his project, but I LOVE his vision of what a kickstarter for someone of his status (and anyone really) can be, which is a community. I love that! Check out the video below if you're at all interested.

http://mashable.com/2013/05/08/zach-braff-interview/


<3
Erika

Sunrise, Sunset

Can YOU see it? 

Last week, I had the unique opportunity to stay with my mom at her house because her house mates were on vacation in Hawaii, giving us the house for ourselves! I had a pretty rough weekend leading up to this week, so I grabbed at the chance immediately. Time away from LA without having to take vacation days? I'm there! Plus, spoiler alert: I'll be moving somewhere else in August and I kinda need to figure out where exactly that will be. Could be LA, could be anywhere commutable (that's a word?) to work.

 So! In addition to having some time away from my current housing situation...I figured I would also use this time to experiment with commuting to LA from Ventura County. I know...lofty goals! This is one of my options for moving if I can't find a place in the LA area. While I do love my hometown, it's not high on my priority list of options mainly because of the distance to work and the headache of coming to LA for any shows that I might see. I'm so spoiled now living in LA and having most venues less than 10 miles from my house. So there's that...

But now I'm getting ahead of myself. This isn't happening until the summer, so let's table that thought for now. What I want to share with you is the beauty I experienced on my drive. Going into the week, I was very anxious about getting to and from work. I thought the train was going to be the best option, but ended up having to drive in on Monday for my singing lesson. I was so nervous about sitting in my car for 2 hours and being so pent up with road rage that my work day would push me over the edge. BUT! Instead I was given this view the first 20 minutes of my drive:

Who knew the world could BE so beautiful at 6:20am?

My work day was fine, but I found myself feeling those anxious feelings again leading into driving home. Being stuck in that 2 hour traffic and getting home with a raging headache. BUT! I got this instead:

 WHAT?! Another fantastic show to entertain my eyes along with several brake lights ahead of me. I couldn't even complain about the low speeds with this surrounding me.

I couldn't help but take pause, and really think about the gifts these sunrises and sunsets were to me. God sure knew I would need a beautiful painting to illustrate the backdrop for this little experiment. It was gorgeous and much appreciated. I can't believe I've been missing this each morning! What other hidden gems am I missing?

Who knows where I'll find myself come August. But after last week, I know there's undiscovered beauty out there just waiting for me to take a different route to find or wake up that much earlier to see. Each new day is a new chance for life to happen.

I'm excited.

My last morning, I had some extra time waiting for the train, so I played with my phone and took these. They are kinda my favorites. Until next time!

New & Exciting Can = Scary & Intimidating

There is something that I've noticed when looking back on my life. I have lived most days in fear.

Fear of what people will think, say, believe, not believe, judge or hold against me. I was never bullied in school for being a "bigger" kid or for liking music because I made myself as invisible as possible to avoid it all. My goal was to simply fit in and don't allow anyone to see something in me that could be mocked. I never tried new things or took any risks because I was too afraid of failure. I was too afraid of being mocked and I didn't allow me to be me.

Well...I will no longer live in fear.

I have always enjoyed performing, singing, dancing, creating. I haven't always been outspoken about these loves in my life because I doubted my ability to actually do/be them. I doubted the support I would receive. I was afraid. If there's anything that I've come to discover over the past 6-9 months it's that I care entirely too much what other's think. I hate to admit it, but I am such a people-pleaser that I can push aside my own dreams in order to "please" the people I care about. This isn't always bad, but its certainly not good either. This is my life, right? This life is short and I don't want to look back and think about the things I wish I had done. I want to experience life to the fullest right now, not when it's too late!

So I'm taking charge and pushing past the temptation to please others.
I'm going to try.

(Side Note: This is a pretty cool article about these EXACT feelings: The Top 5 Deathbed Regrets)

All of this is easier said than done and I'm well aware of this struggle. Its still hard for me to think about what I want or to dream for myself. Hence the title of this post. It's exciting to start thinking about my dreams for my life, but it's also scary. What if it doesn't happen? What if I'm not good at it? Is this what I really want? Maybe I should just stay here where it's comfortable....

I will no longer live in fear.

Must put aside doubts 

Push forward towards the life I desire

Break through complacency and into adventure 

I cannot let me hold me down. I will not let me hold me back. 

This past week, I went on my very first audition! I was extremely nervous and repeatedly thought I should quit and avoid the audition. But I knew doing that would erase all the work I've put into not allowing fear of failure dictate my life. So I auditioned...
..and I was rejected.

Success! No, I didn't get the part, heck...I didn't even get a call back. But it wasn't because I stopped myself from trying. And now I have the opportunity to work with the production team and maybe even take some classes/workshops to see if I can hone in a craft with acting techniques! I wouldn't have been offered that without putting myself out there and trying!

So where do I go from here? What's next? How will I continue to try in other things?

• Continue with voice lessons
• Peer mentoring sessions 
• Working on some short films
• Begin my own video projects (music video concepts)
• Allow myself to dream and not in fear

There are other things going on for me spiritually, but I think that's for another post. To anyone who reads this, thank you for being interested in my life and walking with me in this journey. The path hasn't always been straight or easy, but I'm thankful for the continued love and support. 

Cheers!