New Installment: Faith Fridays

Happy Fourth of July! While this post isn't going to be remotely patriotic, I did want to mention that today is our nation's independence day. While my relationship to America is a love/hate one, I can recognize that today is a day to celebrate being an American.  Star-spangled banner, fireworks, BBQ.... other American keywords. Okay, moving on!

I really want to be better about communicating with God as well as work on my writing, so I'm going to combine the two on this blog. Today is the beginning of a series I'm calling Faith Fridays! I'm excited to see what it becomes for me personally and for anyone reading along.

Faith Friday is where I post my thoughts, opinions, frustrations, and fears regarding Christianity, God, and everything in between. 

God,

I don't like going to church anymore, and for that I am sorry. Honestly, I'm not sure I've ever truly enjoyed church. I remember growing up and having my mom tell me that I had to attend and somewhere in the midst of that conversation I felt this huge wave of guilt wash over me. Something inside was telling me that I HAD to go... or else I was a bad person. No one actually said those words to me (at least not that I remember) but it felt very real and very true. Actually being at church didn't really have an affect on my faith or beliefs. What I remember the most about church back then was that everyone was nice to my family (and that's about it).

In college I felt an urge to find a church group, mainly because that's who I felt would be the nicest to me. You helped me find that group and I did flourish in those years. I felt You were near by and finally felt that you were real. I felt loved by my community and by You. But I didn't have a regular church that I attended and that was alright with me. Although I went to random churches each week, this group sort of became my "church". Churches gave me what I needed in the moment, but no lasting relationships to anyone outside my college group.

Let's skip those messy and regretful post-college internship years. I'd like to pretend they didn't happen for You and I. It's easier that way.  

Now church is something I still know I should attend, but God... which one? Where are you? Where will I be included in a community of people who are striving to be better and learn your word? Where will they not hate on the group of people that I love (lgbt)? I'm not interested in political sermons. I'm not interested in hate spread in Your name. I am interested in feeling loved again. I am interested in creating friendships and bonds with others who want to feel loved too. There has to be a place where those things coexist.

So I keep searching. Eventually I'll find You.

Amen.