Let's be honest...

I recommend you listen to the song as you read the lyrics...
Gungor "Please Be My Strength" (music video linked to title)

I've tried to stand my ground
I've tried to understand
But I can't seem to find my way again.
Like water on the sand
Or grasping at the wind
I keep falling short

Please be my strength
Please be my strength
I don't have anymore.

I'm looking for a place
Where I can plant my Faith
One thing I know for sure
I cannot create it
I cannot sustain it
It's your love that's keeping me
[chorus repeated]

And at my final breath
I hope that I can say
I've fought the good fight of faith
I pray your glory shines
Through this doubting heart of mine
And all would know that You
You are my strength
You and you alone, Keep bringing me back home 

I found this song during a prayer time about a month ago. I had set aside one evening to be alone in my (then) room to pray. I basically spent the entire evening weeping and praying very angry prayers towards God. Eventually, I went on YouTube (of all places) for new worship songs and I found this song. It is such a beautiful, honest, and difficult song for me to listen to because it perfectly describes my attitude towards God. I want to have faith and believe all the things I once did. Yet I find myself doubting and wanting to walk away. I've been tempted to throw in the towel and  ignore God, simply because it's too painful to think about just how let down I am with Him. I've been taught well though...because my knee jerk response  to myself is "God cannot be ignored" or "God hasn't left you" etc.etc. But the truth is, I'm tired and extremely heart-broken. I've been let down more than victorious. I don't have any strength. I'm angry and very bitter...

There are a lot of attributing factors to the state that I'm in. The past 3 years haven't been the best in my life and I've struggled to see goodness in the midst of them. Suffering. Unexplained emergencies. Disappointments. Lack of community. Isolation. All led me down this path to not trusting God and feeling abandoned by most things/people/events in my life, mainly God.

Now I'm trying to walk down the path of healing and recovery because I know, somewhere inside myself, that God is good and loves me...But right now, I honestly don't believe that to be true in my heart of hearts. I've been operating under the notion that God does indeed exist, but I'm not sure if He is as good as I once felt. I've struggled to pray and have hope that God will bring good things in my life. This may be a surprise to those reading this, mainly because it's not something I've been ready to openly deal with or write about. Trust me, I've begun and deleted A LOT of posts about this. Most, however, didn't feel right to share or didn't feel "complete enough" to post. But here I am...

I appreciate your prayers, especially since I haven't prayed in a long time. While I won't be writing everything on such a public stage as this, I will update you as I continue to walk, learn, and explore what I believe in and what to put my faith into.