I guess I'm in a vulnerable state these days. When I originally began writing this I had just seen the movie "Arthur" and I cried through half of the movie. Isn't it a comedy, you ask? And my response would have to be yes...but it spoke into some pretty sensitive issues and struck a nerve somewhere within my heart. I loved it.
Brief summary of the movie: Rich man must marry stranger in order to keep his riches. He meets and falls for another girl who is simple and therefore must decide between true happiness or his wealth. I'll let you finish the rest.
What spoke to me was his relationship with his "nanny" and just how much he wanted real love in his life. He struggles to choose because deep down he knows that he won't be happy unless he marries the person he truly loves. Honestly, I think I'm drawing more from this film than the filmmakers would have intended, but I do think God used this film to speak to me. I had originally set that afternoon for prayer and reflection, but instead I literally slept for 3 hours and then went on to my evening's plans. It's so late, but God still wanted to bring up these issues within my heart, so I'll hope that my super power nap this afternoon will help support sleep once I finally lay down.
How does all of this connect with anything, you ask? Well, I deeply desire real love in my life too. I desire to be known and loved for all the good and bad that exist within me. This has been a deep desire in my heart for many years and yet the ironic or saddest part of this is that over the past couple of years, I have been closing off to others and moving further away from this desire. I was unaware of this happening in my heart until it was recently brought to my attention... and I'm still recovering from the realization this is actually a struggle for me. After I spoke with my pastor and prayed some about issues I had with my church and my cell group (bible study) I realized how fearful I am to share things about my life with others. If I did have something to share, instead of vocalizing them, I would think "This isn't important enough to share" or "This will be too overwhelming and they won't want me to share again, so I shouldn't tell them about this/that/anything". These are the lies the enemy has planted so deeply in my mind that I hear them as sane thoughts and believe them to be true. This is how the enemy has silenced me for 3 years. This is how I've lost a lot of what I learned back in college (having friends, confidence, boldness, faith).
Each time I stopped myself from sharing, another brick was added to the growing wall that I have been building around myself. I truly believe this wall has been built, brick by brick, for the past 3 years and is a major reason I often feel unknown and invisible. This is one of the deepest and best hidden layers of my fearful onion...(my fear that I don't matter and no one really cares) I find myself alone surrounded by a massive wall and I wonder why no one is with me. Even though it scares me half to death, I must tear down this wall and open myself up once more to those around me. I cannot let the lies of the enemy control me because it's gone on too long. Part of this process is also re-discovering who I am and what I want for my life. Which leads me to explain why I've been taking weird classes or doing things you might not expect me to take. I figure there's no time like the present and I need to put myself out there (even if I look like a fool). So I'm taking classes to see what I'm good at, what gives me energy and creatively sustains me. I'm open to trying pretty much anything and really experience life, rather than hiding in fear!
This is going to be a long and challenging process. As I read over this post, I wonder why I feel comfortable sharing such an intimate and private struggle with such a public blog...but if I don't share here, I might not share at all. This is something that is fundamental in my relationship with Jesus and I need some accountability from anyone willing to push me towards healing (even if I push back at first..don't give up on me)...because otherwise I would disappear behind my securely built wall, and I don't think that's what Jesus has in mind for me. Thanks for letting me be honest and somewhat rambling...it's all a process.
Blessings <3
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