Life update

I wish I could accurately describe the quantity of posts that I've been wanting to write over the course of the last month. Some got a little too personal, others too depressing... but most were great bursts of an idea but didn't develop past the title once I got to writing it out. I always hated those posts from people saying they would write more and then never getting back to it and yet I find myself doing the same thing. Words honestly couldn't describe the crazy that was the past 1 1/2 months. When I think about mid-December 2011, I can't believe how different things are now. I had just sung with the worship team at church, the guy I was dating came to hear me sing, and we had one of the best days together hanging around my house. The shortest part of the story is that I am no longer seeing that guy. I have now experienced my first (closest thing to a) breakup.

And until now, I haven't really allowed myself to acknowledge to others that I was sad about it. I didn't feel like I could/should because I kept telling myself, "You're being dramatic" or "This wasn't as big of a deal as you're making it out to be". Now, 1 1/2 months after the fact, I realize this wasn't healthy and that I slipped into a very mild (yet still existent) "survival mode" depression. This is a term that my family used when my parents were getting divorced and everything got flipped turned upside down. I'm sure it's not a term my family coined, but it basically means going through the functions required to get through the day. Eat. Sleep.Work. Repeat.
The only reason I'm sharing this on a more public forum is because I'm asking for some accountability and an overall "looking out for me". I learned a lot about myself and the insecurities I have. They all came out when I found myself a dating situation. I'm glad to have a better understanding of dating, relationships, and most importantly myself after going through this experience. But now I need to heal and move forward without allowing this sadness to hold me back. I need to let go of the idea that I can control or change anything that has or will happen in my life (dating, career path, etc.)

[UPDATE]:
It's taken me about a week to write and process this post. I spent a day this past Sunday being alone, praying, and spending time with God. Although I didn't receive any revelations or words, I did receive peace about my life. Not just one area or one thing I was thinking and praying about...but all of them! I left the coffee house that day feeling refreshed and peaceful. It's kind of amazing because it's both small/immeasurable AND remarkably huge! That's  how I know it's from God. What else can produce such a feeling? I wasn't particularly sad about anything, I wasn't longing to be somewhere else... I was happy and content with ALL I've been given. To be able to recognize what God has given to me and release the bitterness that typically accompanies a felt loss is truly the best gift and best peace God can put in my heart.

I got to see some tangible side affects of this feeling yesterday during my singing lesson. It was my first lesson in a month (illness, holidays, and scheduling) and I was feeling rusty and slightly unprepared for the session. I warmed up my voice in the car and was feeling a bit more positive, although not entirely confident. Right before I got out of my car, I decided that I wasn't going to force anything and just let my voice be what it was that night. And I had one of the best, confidence-boosting lessons ever!

Once I let go of control and realize that I can only be myself, where I'm at right now, in this moment... things got better. I'm less stressed, less anxious, more peaceful.