I remember the day I decided to switch to wordpress for my blog. I remember how badly I wanted to be a blogger and how often people told me that I needed to actually write in order to be a writer (which is true) but I took it to another level and tried to be something that I just wasn't (and still am not). I tried to make it "more professional" but then I had the worst case of writer's block that I've ever had. I had a "new job" which really took a toll on my mental state and I just couldn't write. I didn't have the brain space to both learn my new job and all it's responsibilities as well as write and be creative. I was fried. I was tired. I was depressed. All of which led me to the longest writing drought since I began blogging in college.

I can't say why I re-opened this blog. I know that I'm relieved that I did because it feels like more my style and pace. I'm not a professional blogger. I don't need a fancy domain name. All I need is a creative thought and a place to put it.

So here I am.

I'm going to try to write things out, share myself and my thoughts, and we'll see where that leads.

IF: Gathering 2016

I was able to attend my second IF:Gathering Women's conference which was livestreamed to my church Newsong LA.  It's just as powerful as being in the actual room (which is in Austin, TX) without any travel/hotel costs! Last year I remember thinking how bizarre this livestream concept was, but this year I found myself excited for what God would have for us.

This year's "theme" was about Jesus' life and reaching the lost among us. A lot of the speakers asked how we can reach those around us or those who don't already know Jesus. This is where I confess that I'm not the biggest fan of evangelism. I know in my heart that I should always want to share Jesus' love and want others to know His goodness but I struggle with desiring that; not out of a selfish desire to keep Him to myself but rather because I'm not always comfortable with the entire experience. It's something I know I need to work on and seek God to change my heart...we're working on it.

All of that is to say that I wasn't as engaged with the speakers as I was last year. Another difference was the inclusion of men into the conference. This year we had two men give sermons and we had an "awards show" for IF: Men who supported their wives, sisters, etc. in attending and planning the conference. I'm all for thanking those who support women, but I have to say that I wasn't a fan of this segment. What I loved about last year was seeing powerful and courageous women give powerful sermons and exhortations to women. It all felt so empowering last year whereas this year felt like any other conference I've attended rather than a women's conference for women. This might paint an incorrect picture of my thoughts on men but that's not my intention. I love strong male leaders and the guidance they can provide, but it wasn't what I expected. Thankfully, they did have great women speak to us this year and I wanted to highlight a few that stood out to me:

One of my favorite speakers from both years is Bianca Olthoff and this year she did not disappoint. She spoke on John 11 and the death of Lazarus. She pointed out where the text says "Lord, your dear friend is sick" to highlight that this was personal to Jesus and Lazarus was someone close to his heart while He was here on earth and yet Jesus waited 2 days before heading towards Lazarus. Which doesn't make sense to us...why wait? One of my favorite quotes from her is this, "Faith is equally as miraculous as Lazarus coming back to life". She ended by telling us to ask ourselves if we can stare at something wrapped in death/dying and still look at Jesus and say that we believe He is good. Do you believe this if He heals/changes the situation? Do you believe this is He doesn't?
This was such a good time in the Word and looking at Jesus not as a solution to my problems or things I want fixed in my life...but as someone to spend life with through the good and bad. I want to remember her words and this passage when life gets hard and things don't go as planned and still be able to say I love Jesus for who He is and not what I want Him to accomplish for me.

While I didn't enjoy all the changes in programming, I still really LOVE this conference and what it's aiming to accomplish in the lives of women around the globe. To get a glimpse of what last year was like, here's a "promo" clip from previous years.

Powerful right?!

One aspect of the conference that I do want to talk about is a table conversation they had discussing "Seasons of Life" which is basically a nice way of saying "Single. Married. Kids. No kids". This fascinates me and I think women need to have more of these conversations so that friendships can withstand the changes that life brings to each us of at different times. Single women need support and love in different ways than someone in a relationship...married women without kids need support and love in different ways than those with kids. In my opinion, the most beautiful truth is that we can all (at some point) provide that support to each other regardless of the seasons we find ourselves in currently. It wasn't deeply religious in context but it was a very important conversation to begin on the stage and one that I hope to continue with my friends in the various stages we are in now.


Here is a link to the founder of IF (Jennie Allen) and her closing remarks, which include some pictures and ending thoughts now that the 2016 conference has ended: http://www.jennieallen.com/what-if-we-lived-like-jesus-free-download/

Next year I'd like to maybe host a gathering or get some more of my girlfriends involved so we can all experience IF together! I'll be sure to keep everyone posted :) The dates for 2017 are February 3rd & 4th so keep that open if you're interested!

xoxo
E

Thank you Kaiser

This week marks the end of my Kaiser Depression Care Management. While I am still seeing my MFT (Marriage & Family Therapist) I have been discharged by my depression manager because I have shown significant decrease in my depression symptoms.

You see, each time I saw her we went over 10+ questions to help determine the severity of my depression. These are some of the hardest questions to answer when you're in the thick of it, because it forces you to say outloud what you might want to keep in your head. Questions like: In the past 2 weeks, have you struggled to find 1 thing that you enjoy doing? And the responses vary from "Not at All" (Meaning you've found pleasure in something each day) all the way to "Most Days" (Meaning you could not enjoy even 1 thing for the majority of the past 2 weeks).

When I first began, my answers varied from several days to most days struggling to enjoy activities, feeling isolated/forgotten. I was tired most of the time, was overeating (which is one of the questions they ask), feeling unworthy and forgotten by most people in my life. The biggest hurdle was struggling to make decisions. ANY decision felt extremely overwhelming. Even deciding what to have for dinner would bring me to tears (on my worst days) because I just couldn't choose.

The service that Kaiser provided was almost like a Depression Coach. I would meet with her every 2 weeks and we would talk about things I enjoyed doing. I shared how I loved Zumba when I was doing it but felt that I couldn't physically handle that anymore. She would then provide me with other options, like going for a walk, just to get some physical activity and start there. That's all. She didn't suggest trying Zumba again (until we were months into the process) which was a relief. The entire process was about taking steps, no matter how big or small, to start enjoying life again.

Her motto was "Getting ready... to be ready... to step back into life" and I absolutely loved it. It was an accessible way for someone who couldn't even decide what to eat to commit to walk for 2 days a week. Then 3 days. The biggest goal was getting good sleep. I was sleeping from 6pm-9pm and then up until 1am. Some days I would go to bed at 10pm and wake up at 3am and not be able to go back to sleep until 6am. IT. WAS. MISERABLE. I know sleep is important, but through Kaiser I also learned that it's a key element to my depression and something I must always keep monitored. Bad sleep = slipping into depression (for me personally).

Without going into each and every detail of my recovery, I just wanted to give Kaiser a shout-out for their help and support with my depression. I've learned how to better care for myself both in happy times and in sad times so that I don't slip back down into the depths of depression like I did before. I'm not sure where I would be without my Depression Care Manager (who I will miss talking with. She was AWESOME).

If you have Kaiser and find yourself looking for help, I HIGHLY recommend this service. It's at no additional cost and it quite literally saved my life. Feel free to message me or email me if you have questions. I'd be so happy to help in whatever ways I can as someone who had such a positive experience with this member benefit.

Here's to mental health and giving yourself a fighting chance to overcome the darkness life can bring.

xo

New in 2016

Happy New Year 2016!

I hope that you got to celebrate and bring in the new year yesterday with joy and hope for what 2016 has in store! For this post, I wanted to share what I'm looking forward to and what I'm hoping to focus on in the new year. The biggest focus will be on family. This means all the types of family that exist in my life: My immediate family. My small group. My boyfriend. My church...the list goes on.

The past month or so has really opened my eyes to how important family is to enjoy a rich life filled with love. I've seen some real ugliness in families and how hurtful those relationships can be to a person, but I have also seen family step up and support someone who is hurting and feeling alone. I want to continue to see the beautiful things family can add to my life and focus on those positives rather than dwell on past hurts.

I want to continue to share life with my small group and my church. I've been pretty absent in my church the last half of 2015 and I've really missed those Sunday mornings spending time with God, singing, praying, and being with my church family. Thankfully I have been able to regularly attend my small group and that has been so wonderful. I led my first study this Fall and for the first time, enjoyed the process of preparing the study and digging deep in the text. I'm looking forward to leading again this Spring.

I have enjoyed 7 months with my boyfriend and I'm so excited for what this new year has in store for us. He continues to challenge me to be better and stronger and I hope to continue to do the same for him. We aim to build one another up and support one another when things get hard. We have both learned a lot through the hardships the past month has brought and I'm so thankful that it's only brought us closer. I've seen him at his lowest and he's seen me at mine, and we've both been able to navigate the unknown with love and patience with one another. 2016 could be a really big year for us and I'm excited to see what God has in store!

And lastly, my immediate family. I can't say enough good things about them. They bring so much joy, laughter, and love to my life. While my family is changing, we remain close and I only hope that continues in 2016. I've gotten the chance to see my family in a different way this past year and how they love me so unconditionally even when I mess up. Their love is what helps me understand God's love for us and how it's never ending. I hope to continue to love them well and grow closer as a family. They got me through my deepest depression 2 years ago...without them I don't know where I would be. I'm looking forward to supporting them and what new adventures we go on as a family in the new year!

I wanted to end by saying this: Be good to those you call family. I know we all have our own baggage either with our blood family or the family we've been able to create through friendships, etc. But in a world so broken and hurting, I hope that each of you reading this can hold tight to those you love and cherish the time you have together. Don't let ugliness tear you apart. Life is much too short and entirely too precious to waste on hate & bitterness. Here's to healthy families in 2016 and a year filled with love and healing for us all.

Cheers.

Fear & Response

There have been a few events in the past two years that I have felt genuine fear over. First was Ebola and [what I thought at the time was a] threat of widespread outbreak. I read every article I could get my hands on, began following the CDC for updates, and learned as much as I could about the spread and contamination of the disease because I was genuinely afraid. I felt the only way to calm my fear was to get the facts and not just be scared with no education on the subject.  Add to this the fact that I see WAY too many "end-of-the-world" movies and you can see why fear took over all my responses. Thankfully I did educate myself and learned what the reality of Ebola looked like for me (an American with a strong healthcare system) versus the African countries that still struggle with Ebola cases and education on how it spreads. In those months that I was so afraid, I learned how fear can truly overwhelm and influence my response to the world around me.

Recently I have found myself fearful again, but in a different way than before. I'm not afraid for my life, but the general threat of terrorism around the world. I actually saw a post on Facebook that said to instead call the group known mainly as ISIS, Daesh because ISIS implies a nation and they have no national identity. [That is how I will refer to the group going forward]. Hearing my pastor talk about persecution in the church is one thing, especially when it took place in the beginning of the church. It's entirely different when it's happening now as I live and write these words. Christians are being killed today in numbers that we haven't seen since the formation of the church. Muslims are being killed too. All innocent lives taken simply because they refuse to follow the extreme theology of hate that the Daesh spews.

And I find myself weeping for those who have died, in a way that I have not experienced within my soul until now. I cannot help but see the similarities in today's persecution compared to those of Stephen and other martyrs that followed. Killed because they claimed Christ as their Lord and Savior. And because of the similarities, I fear for the world that continues to reject Jesus and others who pretend to teach the Gospel but instead spread intolerance, hate and hardened hearts filled with judgement. Last I checked, these were not included in the teachings of Jesus. In fact, the Jesus I read about in the Bible is the exact opposite in how he treats people.

I was inspired to write this post after reading an article in Relevant Magazine titled "What Can Be Done About ISIS?" (link in the title). I do not want to be compliant in the face of such hatred. I have found myself praying more, and actually desiring to pray for the victims, the refugees... and surprisingly the terrorists. This article interestingly reminds us that Paul [Saul at the time] was in fact a terrorist against Christians when he met God on the road (to Syria no less) and instead became a preacher of God's word. It's extremely difficult for me to grasp what my prayers would look like if I were to pray for the terrorists and for their hearts to be turned towards Jesus but I get chills just thinking about it. How amazing would it be to hear that they put down their weapons and plots for murder and instead followed Jesus and gave to the poor and loved people as God's children?? God has done it before, God can do it again. Lord help my unbelief! 

One of the headlines in the article reads, "Reject Fear and Raise Our Voices" and that's what I'm trying to begin here. I want to encourage us to pray, to hope for change and work together to unite the world against this group that only wishes for us to divide. We can fight fear with prayer; hate with love. 

In another post from Relevant Magazine I saw the clip (below) of Stephen Colbert discussing the refugees acceptance into our country. I didn't always enjoy the Colbert Report but this is a Stephen that I can get behind. His words here are powerful and I wanted to share them with you now. Some had mentioned the idea of giving those seeking safety a "Christian Test" to see if they are Christian or not. I find that my response is the same as Stephen's: If they can finish the sentence (directly from Scripture) then that might be the better "test" of who is or who isn't a Christian: 

Our response to welcoming people to our country is yet another way of reacting in fear rather than love. I understand this is a complicated matter and I do not mean to make it sound in anyway, easy. I would like the people in the public eye who proclaim Christianity as their belief to actually live as a follower of Christ and stop embarrassing the rest of us. I won't list each and every verse here, but this article from Relevant gives great scripture resources as well as discusses our response to foreigners and how the Bible teaches us to treat those among us: What the Bible Says about How to Treat Refugees. 

Love will always be louder. 

[Update: Since I first wrote this, the shooting in San Bernardino has occurred.] I don't have any additional comments to add to that particular discussion, but I didn't want to post this in light of those events and the information coming out of that investigation, without at least mentioning it and asking for things to change. This continues to show that our world is broken and we need Jesus to heal and protect and bring justice. We also need those who claim to follow Jesus to open their hearts and not respond in fear. It's a very hard thing to do, but it must be done. 

Dear Fat People

I am the type of person who goes through waves of watching YouTube videos excessively and then not at all. I have recently found myself looking for more creators to follow as I have more "free" time at work (Shhh, our little secret). Recently I've found myself bored with my subscriptions and looking for new channels. While searching, I stumbled on a controversial video with a ton of response videos from some of my favorite YouTubers. Since I'd rather not give this video more views, I will only say what it was about: Being overweight.

Fat. Chubby. Heavy. Large. Plus-Size.

As a larger person, I've struggled with these labels and experienced the anxiety/fear of being picked on for most of my life. I did avoid a lot of unwanted attention from any potential bullies simply by blending in and erasing myself from anyone's radar. I do not, however, suggest this for anyone because not only do you erase yourself from the bully's mind but you also lose your own identity and uniqueness in the process.

So, as someone who struggles with weight and the insecurities/fears/doubts that come with it, this particular video was very painful to watch. The creator made jokes about fat people and claimed that she was using it to "motivate" fat people to get off their ass and lose weight. My heart broke. Instead of feeling encouraged or motivated I felt shitty, self-loathing, and angry. Thankfully I'm much stronger now than I was in high school (which is the age of a lot of YouTube viewers these days) because seeing a video like that would have wrecked me. The creator claimed it was a joke and meant to be sarcastic/funny but later defended it saying it was actually to help overweight people be healthier. *side eye* I don't see a single place in the entire video that could be motivating. Shame on her for even trying to say it was meant positively at all.

I wish I could be as strong and confident as the creator in the video below (Meghan Tonjes) in her response video. I'm not making a video to respond, but I do still want to take a stand and say this to that horrible YouTube creator: I may be a larger woman, but I am still a person. I matter regardless of my size. Your video was offensive and rude. I know you have defended it saying it was all for fun as well as motivating, but let me tell you this: IT WASN'T FUNNY. And the only thing it motivated me to do was write this blog, never watch another video you make, and instead support actual creators worth being on YouTube.

The creators below are some of my favorite voices on YouTube in terms of opinions, humor, and overall entertainment value of the content they regularly produce. Meghan is the first video and she has basically the same reaction that I had when she watched it. I cried with her and got frustrated with her...I wish we had more female voices out there to represent the large ladies and show the world what we can do. Watch below (note: R rated language is in both of the videos):

There are a bunch of other reaction videos out there, but this is by far one of my favorites. It's from Nicola Foti and his videos (found on SoundlyAwake) are some of the most hilarious and entertaining in my YouTube watchlist; this one is on point and needs to be shared in response to the video in addition to a bunch of other hateful videos out there:

Be kind to people and know everyone is a complex human being and living their own story. 

I am a complex human being who is also heavy...but I am valuable and deserve to be treated as a person and not a joke. If you are reading this and you are struggling with your own self-worth, know this: You are Loved by God and you are a valuable person in society no matter what you look like. You are important and don't let anyone make you believe you are anything less than amazing. 

New web address

Hello!

I wanted to post a quick update that I got "serious" and bought a domain name! The blog will be the same as it's still hosted by blogspot, but now all you need to know is: www.iamerikanicole.com !!

It seems as though time is speeding up and I'm just trying to catch up. As an extremely brief update I'll post the things I've been enjoying lately:

Good Therapy Sessions - I've been consistently seeing my therapist for 8 months now and although we have switched from focusing on careers and moved into more personal healing/therapy, it's been a wonderful experience. The best way to describe it would be a beautiful disaster.  Some weeks I walk away with a better understanding of myself and how to improve...and others I'm just in tears. It's painful but in the best possible way.

Singing in my car - I recently got rid of my metro pass and began driving into work each day. It felt like such a "grown up" thing to do since I've been taking public transit to work since the day I began. I am enjoying driving though. It gives me time to sing as loudly as I want and I really miss singing.

Taking Pictures - I'd love to buy a nice camera and tripod to take more pictures of the people and places that I love. A friend of mine brings a tripod and has a nice camera and he has such cute/beautiful pictures of him and his wife even when they're on a date (thanks to the tripod). I've always enjoyed photos but I'd love to learn more about photography and actually capture more of life in pictures.

It's a small update but I'm working on a few others to be posted in the next few weeks!

Birthday Letter at 29

Here is a letter to myself about what the past year has been and what hopes I have  for the year ahead. Sprinkled throughout this post are various pictures taken throughout the year. 

Today you turn 29 years old. Can you believe it? When did THAT happen?

Last year you definitely took more risks which is amazing because you wrote about that in last year's birthday letter and you DID it! Some of them didn't pan out and some did, but isn't that the point of taking risks? Like you said before, no matter what the outcome, the experience alone will be worth it (and it was!).  God has also given you a community of people who love and challenge you to seek God and His Kingdom in your small group bible study. Another hope from last year that God so gracefully brought to life.

So looking ahead, I hope you are able to continue your process of healing and restoration through counseling and continue to take risks. Remember that relationships are difficult but the good ones are worth fighting for. Listen openly and share honestly with your loved ones and those near to your heart.

I hope that you pursue writing more seriously this year. Whether that means here on your blog or other places, just write more. You have an idea for a concept and I hope that you use this year to flesh it out and see if it can grow into something more. (hint: It has to do with being single vs. in a relationship and bringing those worlds together in harmony).

I hope you allow yourself to open up and receive love without doubt or insecurity. Believe the words of the people in your inner circle because they care about you and want the best for your life. Don't let any lies take that love away from you. Right now you're in a relationship that is just beginning to blossom and grow. Nurture it and bring your community into the entire process. You never thought you'd be asking the questions you are or experiencing the love you have, but here you are. Enjoy the good times and learn from the trials. He is a blessing to your life and challenges you in new and fantastic ways. Make sure you help him to feel loved and work to make him stronger just as he does for you as well.

Enjoy the things in life that you have and stop comparing yourself to others. They might have something you want, but you have been blessed and can to be grateful for the gifts you do receive. Work to bring down the jealous voices in your head because they do nothing helpful for anyone. Instead, practice thankfulness and grace towards yourself and those around you. Be a light of positivity rather than a shadow of envy.

And lastly, I hope this year you are better able to find your voice. Find what you're passionate about, what turns you on; what you want to be about and pursue it wholeheartedly. My hope for this next year is for honesty and passion to fill every aspect of your life. Don't fear your voice and the power you have in your words, thoughts & feelings. They have more value that you give them credit for. Explore new and healthy ways to express them and bring out the inner strength of your friends & family too!

Remember to take time to appreciate life's little pleasures. And for God's sake, live a little!!
This is your last year in the 20's so you better enjoy the hell out of it!

 

Now for the First Time

Hello friends! There have been a few things that I wanted to update you on in my life as well as ask for help and encouragement. 

For the first time in my life, I find myself in a romantic relationship. He is a wonderful, sweet, handsome, and kind man. But that's all the mush you'll get from me... for now. 

I'm writing this post because I'm still finding the whole thing hard to believe. You see, I had spent the better part of the past two years preparing for a life of being single. Some days I was motivated by self-pity and other days it was a deep-rooted sense that the "single life" was the life God was asking of me. I started operating in the mindset that I need to find my value and joy in life as a single woman apart from romance. I was not interested in dating or trying to find someone because I wanted to show the world happiness does not lie in romantic relationships alone (a statement I still very much believe to be true). 

After spending 28 years single, I learned that the importance of  relationships includes those with your family and friends, not just who you marry. I never saw romance as something I was entitled to experience or have in my life and I still don't believe anyone is entitled to date. I do believe we are called to relationships, but our view is so skewed and broken that we wrongfully focus on romance and tend to neglect the life-long friendships and close bonds we can have with our mothers, fathers, siblings, cousins, etc, etc. 

Since I was planning to spend my life being "the forever single girl" in my social circles (and actually found peace with that identity) how the heck did I find myself in a dating relationship?

I had begun to feel more depressed and saw people around me experiencing changes in their jobs, school, finances, or relationships and I felt as if my life looked exactly the same as it did 10 years ago. I was still single, no career, same job for 7 years, and nothing good (or so I told myself). In a moment of desperation I decided to sign up for a dating app simply as a game. I'd seen a few YouTube videos talking about how shallow it is and how it can be almost seen as a game. I had little invested in the entire process other than entertainment and potentially getting some "practice dates" so I would have funny/crazy stories to tell my friends. That seemed like an easy way for me to socially fit in with dating conversations even though I knew it wouldn't lead to a relationship.

Now, after making it official with the boy, I find myself in a weird state of re-discovering my identity. It's gotten easier as the weeks have progressed, but I still feel very aware that something has changed. I'm no longer that single lady I held onto so tightly for 28 years, but instead I'm a hybrid of who I once was and who I am now. Don't for a second believe that I've forgotten the struggles of being single or that I've lost the insecurity that I carried. Those aspects are still very much a part of who I am; the context in which they show themselves is the biggest difference. These days I see how my insecurities can affect him and how we both need to work on caring well for each other as well as ourselves in order to make this thing last. 

Which brings me to the support that I'll need in this next season of life. Not only am I in a new relationship, but I will also begin therapy next week. I've been seeing a career counselor for a few months to discover what career I want to pursue and through the course of our conversations, the next best step in my life is to pursue healing and "table" the career search. I have wounds that remain open and have now created a very large barrier that has made it almost impossible to move forward in my life. My therapist and I discovered that I struggle to find my own voice (which isn't helpful for someone who enjoys writing as much as I do) and that prevents me from knowing myself well enough to know the path I want in my life. These issues also affect my friendships, my time with family, and my new relationship which only adds more motivation for me to find healing. 

So I ask that you, reader of my thoughts, support me through prayer, conversations, and time spent with me so that our relationship can continue even in this time of deep reflection and healing. I want my life to be immersed in community because if I am isolated in this time, I fear the stronghold of depression will take over, and I just can't go through that again. I also ask for your patience with me for the next couple of months. I will do my best to support and care for you, but I do ask for your grace and forgiveness for the times I screw up or let you down. I don't know if I'll be operating at full capacity but I'll do my best. And that's all I ask of you in return. Some might be uncomfortable dealing with me and the emotions I'll be working through...and that's ok. I learned last year that depression can be difficult to navigate but it also provides a great filter for who will be in my life when the going gets tough and who won't. I'm grateful for those who have remained in my life who are willing to continue together just as much as I'm grateful for the ability to weed out the chaff [see: metaphor definition]. 

I love and appreciate each of you <3  

Happy Birthday Brother!

Today my brother turns 25 and I want to continue in a practice of writing him a letter each year for his birthday to reflect on the year that has passed and the many years ahead. 

To Josh: Happy Birthday little brother. Today you turn 25! It's hard for me to believe that little boy above is now 25 years old and living a pretty amazing life.  

Even now in my wiser age (number stricken from the record) you still know more of the things you want to accomplish than I have even begun to consider. You have a long-time career goal and you constantly look for opportunities to grow and develop your craft through script supervising, production, and working at CBS over the past year as a page. I hope to someday have the same focus in my work and what I want to do in life as I've seen you have in yours. 

I know romance hasn't always been easy for you, but I know that someday you will make some girl the luckiest girl in the world. You are a gentleman and I'm continually proud of you for your respect of women and decency towards others. Knowing that there are still guys like you in the world helps ease any of my concerns for future generations. You are a hopeless romantic; I know I mock that sometimes (because I'm not even close to being one) but it's sweet to see that hope and desire for love alive in someone so young. 

My hope for you in the next year(s) would be that you learn to be more flexible with the little challenges that life can bring. People are complex and each life has it's own story. I hope that you are able to bend and move with the flow of life and not be too hard on yourself or others when they fall short. Humans are flawed creature, but the best you can do is support those you love and constantly encourage them to be better to the best of their abilities.

I often tell people that I didn't grow up with a best friend or having someone close to confide in, but now I realize that just is't true. I had you. Sure, you were a built-in best friend and basically had no choice in the matter, but damn we had fun...right? I am grateful for your friendship and showing me how to care for another person. Thanks for walking with me to Burger King in the summer for lunch, swimming in the community pool, dancing to 'Nsync, and then quickly doing our "chores" before mom came home from work. I couldn't have asked for a better friend than the one God gave me in you. I'm so glad I had you when we would go between mom and dad's house because I would have been so lonely without someone to watch movies or play Mario Kart with me!

Today we celebrate you and the joy you've brought to the lives of everyone you meet. Never lose your sense of humor because it'll help you get through the not-so-funny moments life throws at you.

I love you very much.
Celebrate and know that you are loved today and the rest of your days.

Love, 

DeeDee

Tiny Little Update

Every so often I need some encouragement or inspiration to help me figure out what I want to write about on this little page of mine. Sometimes the inspiration hits and others I find myself logging in staring at a blank page with no real thoughts to share. I often find there is a desire to write, but nothing to say. It can be a frustrating place to find yourself when you love writing and yet struggle to put words together. 

I've used the image below occasionally to get my creative juices flowing and this time around I've found it very helpful. 

I was... thinking about writing a lengthy and in-depth blog about how things have been going, but I got lazy and lost motivation so I have this list for you instead ;)

I am... experiencing something new in life. Taking more risks and seeing some of them payoff. Time will tell if this lasts long, but I'm happy and excited for what's happening right now. I know that's vague, but for now that's how it'll remain.

I think... that I need to get a better handle on my room/car organization. It accurately reflects my current feeling: chaotic.

I wonder... what life will look like in a year. So many possibilities and things up in the air. I'm excited to see what God has in store for me though.

I wish... I could pause time and complete all the chores/annoying things and then push play and do all the fun stuff!

I save... way too many pictures of my boys on my phone. Seriously. Those Winchester brothers, Darren Criss, Mr. Styles....and various others take up way too much of my photo storage on my phone.

I can't imagine... being in the public eye and getting so scrutinized over every little (and big) thing. Not sure I could handle the pressure.

I believe... the Jesus I love would love Caitlyn Jenner as she is, as she was, and as she will continue to be in her life. I can only hope that we can love her and others better than we have.

I love... the Santa Monica Pier.

Glee: The End

It's been an interesting experience being a fan of glee since the very beginning. I rarely can say I've been a fan of something since it began, so glee is in a rare category of TV for me. It's been ups and downs being a fan of this show but now that the finale is airing tonight, I seem to only be able to remember the good things Glee has brought to my life. I may not be the hardcore glee fan I once was (more on that later) but I'm still a fan to the bitter end. This show was always changing its tone and trying to be something meaningful, impactful, and yet silly and ridiculous most of the time. Don't get me wrong, there were definitely episodes that had me crying (Choke; Goodbye) and others that were some of my all-time favorite TV episodes ever (Original Song). The problem I had with glee were the plotline inconsistencies and (in my opinion) character development mistakes. What always brought me back were the musical numbers. Those freaking musical numbers! They will always be my absolute favorite part of the show. 

But this isn't a review of glee, I wanted to write this post because glee really did affect my life. No matter how much I'd like to think otherwise, it changed me. 

Glee got me to love singing again and was part of my decision to take singing lessons once again. I sang in my high school choir and loved performing and learning new songs but after high school I didn't look for choirs in college. I didn't have any outlet for performing or singing acapella until glee came along. I'll never forget the moment I saw the pilot's closing scene (Don't Stop Believin'). I was sitting downstairs in our TV room and got chills when Mr. Shue hears the kids singing. Instead of quitting his job at the school, he decides to work with the misfit group of kids. *tear* 

Paramount Lot Tour where Glee filmed!

Glee brought me friends that I never would have met otherwise. Glee was my first "fandom" experience and I'll never forget it. I met friends through twitter and various other social media platforms all because I found people who also loved Glee. It introduced me to things like Starkid and Darren Criss who took me all the way to NYC to see him perform on Broadway and Chicago to see a Starkid fundraiser. I went to places and events that I wouldn't have known about if glee hadn't introduced them to me. Even the friends I made through my new fandom (supernatural) are truly because I learned how to communicate with fellow fans online and develop friendships through the glee fans first. While most of my glee friends and I aren't friends anymore, I did meet some cool people and discovered things about myself that I might not have without meeting them.

At the Glee panel during 2011 Paley Fest

Glee helped me gain confidence to believe in myself at a time when I was losing sight of who I was. I was struggling in my faith and needed something to remind me that I matter and I have a voice to be heard. Thankfully I've found my faith again but glee kept me afloat when I was looking for positive things in my life. I needed glee to help me learn my strengths and discover that being different or being "weird" was alright. It helped me accept things about myself that I hadn't previously accepted. It helped me see the world in a different way and I couldn't be more grateful.

            

   

One day I'll write a thank you letter to Rachel Berry, who I have always loved and continue to love to this day. She was a bitch, yes, but she inspired me to be stronger and fight for what I want in life. Lea Michele's voice remains the voice I dream to have one day. You can't tell me that she didn't break your heart once or twice. No one cry-sings like Rachel. 

The show failed in many ways to truly address/represent lots of groups of people, but you can't say it didn't at least try to broaden your horizons and provide a new view of people you may not have thought much of before watching the show. 

Glee will always hold a special place in my heart for all the reasons above and about a million more that I couldn't fit onto one blog post. Glee will always remind me of a time in my life when I was discovering who I was and challenging old ways of thinking about  not only my own self-worth but also how I interact with the world around me. 

Someday I'll write out a proper essay on glee (yes, I am THAT nerd that misses writing pop culture papers for class) but for now this is what I have. A look back on the show that I love/hated and will never forget. 


Thank you glee.  

IF: Gathering

I have so many thoughts about the IF: Gathering women's conference I attended this weekend that I'm having a hard time collecting all my thoughts and the sermons/speakers associated with each breakthrough I had. The conference was so much better and more powerful than I had ever imagined, which shows you just how little I expect of God...silly me.

I want to share all of the scriptures and thoughts that speakers like Christine Caine, Jo Saxton, Jen Hatmaker, and others gave on trusting in God's goodness, taking that step of faith into the unknown, and being bold and courageous to follow the path God has made for you. But they were so rich in depth that I'll have to wait until some videos are placed online to share the power/impact of their words with you. I even purchased a pre-ordered DVD of the entire conference because I knew God had more for me in those sermons and I wasn't even taking notes (...again silly me!).

What I can share with you are my thoughts and action plans in response to what I heard and felt God leading me into for the next chapter of my life. While there isn't ONE clear path for me, I feel stronger in my desire to be a bridge builder between Lesbian/Gay/Bisexual/Transgender + community and Jesus than ever before. The entire conference was about empowering women in our communities and freeing women to take bold steps of faith in things that others might fear walking into. Maybe it's because I've had difficult personal conversations about my own sexuality with close friends or maybe it's because God truly is laying a foundation for me to follow Him into, but I couldn't help but think about my LGBT+ brothers and sisters the entire weekend. I cried for a lot of reasons at the conference, but none more than thinking about how deeply I desire for Jesus to break through the walls our culture and society have built between these two groups. I want to walk around the walls, for days and days, and then YELL with a mighty ROAR to have those walls crumble to the ground like in Joshua 6 with the walls of Jericho.

I'll tell you right now... I'm scared. I have no idea what response I'll get or what success I'll have in starting something that I haven't seen done before. But I feel a movement in my spirit to take bolder steps and see how God comes through for me. Honestly, I might sound like I have some grand plan or blueprint that I'm looking at but there's nothing except the dark unknown. All I have is a leading in my heart and faith that if I act I will see God do mighty things. I'm tired of just waiting. I'm tired of just hoping but doing nothing to see change. So here I am God. Shaking and trembling, but faithful. Let's see what you have for me and for this broken world.

As is typical at conferences like this, they usually have some response/action to solidify what God placed in our hearts and this conference was no exception. They had us write on rocks (and thankfully we got to keep ours) to represent the building blocks of faith for what God stirred in our hearts. Below is my rock along with the necklace they gave us.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go" Joshua 1:9

There are more discoveries I had this weekend, but I'll save those for another post. This feels like a good place to instead turn the tables and ask you..What is God calling you to step into? What holds you back from following Him into what He's calling you towards?

I'd love to hear from you in the comments below OR through email at: engannon@gmail.com

Blessings my friends.

February Hopes and Dreams

At the end of each month you'll see a lot of posts reflecting on the month that is ending, but this month I want to instead offer some of my hopes for what the month ahead could include!

February:

I hope that you are a month filled with rejuvenation and renewal. I'm not sure if any co-workers read this blog, but it's kinda funny because at work the word "renewal" isn't always a good thing. I'll explain if anyone wants details on that, BUT! On this blog it is always a welcomed and often requested occurrence.  I pray that I find new ways to experience joy and find little things that make me happy each day.

I hope to grow deeper in my current friendships as well as learn how to get rid of toxic relationships in my life (personally and professionally). There have been a few new friends that I am hoping to spend more time with and grow deeper in our trust and friendship this month!

I hope to begin a more regular and constant exercise routine that is realistic as well as challenging! During my time in an urban internship back in 2008-2010 I kept a routine with morning workouts and I experienced an intense feeling of accomplishment as I continued to meet my goals and even saw some weight loss! Let's begin this pattern again in February!

I hope to gain more control over my spending by continuing to budget, as I mentioned in my previous post, and begin a savings plan for the long-term. I just had a conversation with one of my dearest friends about possible future plans and travels so I really need to get my shit together so these plans actually have a chance to happen! This doesn't even include the planned trips to Vegas in March and Dallas, TX in September of this year. When did I become such a traveler?

And lastly, I hope to grow in my relationship with God and practice more spiritual disciplines so that I can feel closer to God. It's perfect timing too because my small group study is learning about spiritual disciplines, so I already have an easy jumping off point to begin this habit. I can't keep circling around my faith and avoiding the hard questions about what I believe unless I'm willing to experience God in new ways and through new practices. This is more of a life-long hope/dream but I'll add a brief comment here: I hope to continue a dialogue about sexuality, gender, identity, and God's love for all people with God and not just the world around me. Christians and non-Christians alike want to give me their thoughts and opinions about what to believe, what is right, what is wrong, and everything in between. Well I'm ready for God to step in and give His twosense now. So let's hope and trust in a God that speaks and answers us when we call.

What hopes and dreams do you have going into this new month? I'd love to hear what you're hoping for in the comments below.

Highs and Lows

I've written about this in previous posts, so excuse my repetition, but I'm constantly reminded that life is filled with the highs and lows and they are often existing in the same moment. I wish this weren't true, but I seem to find myself most drawn to writing when life is at its low moments. I want that to change however, so I'm going to include the good things that are also happening alongside the lows I've experienced lately. Life is better balanced anyway...right?

I recently started seeing someone through Kaiser to help with depression care and while we've only met once, I already feel extremely hopeful and encouraged. She's not a therapist but she helps patients set goals and try to keep life going when we feel as though life has slowed down due to depression and lack of motivation. It's pretty close to what I was looking for last year when I saw a therapist through Soul Restoration project out in Orange County. The best part is that it's free so it's not adding an additional financial burden to seek help!

The timing couldn't have been more perfect because I've found myself spiraling down back into familiar depression stages. I've struggled sleeping through the night, fallen back on bad eating habits, and lost motivation to care not only for my own life but for others. Unfortunately, it's a vicious cycle because the less I care about eating well the deeper I fall in feeling depressed and round and around we go. I'm so thankful that I began seeing her last week and thankful that it'll be a more extended time seeing her every other week for a few months.

I started an actual adult budget with the help of a family friend and it's been the perfect mixture of happiness and pain. It's painful to track where you spend money when you aren't used to the details of your day. However, it's also empowering to know where you spend money and have the ability to determine what takes priority in your life. I'm not too far into debt but I definitely need to pay off some credit cards and pay back some generous friends so that I can get my life in order.

That's it for this short and sweet little update. I'm hoping to work on another post for the beginning of February dreams for the future!

Once again, thanks for reading these updates and for sticking with me through all the highs and (mainly) lows that I tend to share. I'm so thankful for each and every eye that gives this little piece of my heart some time and attention.

New Year 2015!

It's going to be a brand spanking new year pretty soon, and while I'm not into New Years Eve parties, I definitely feel excited and rejuvenated with each new year. I see it as a time not only to reflect on the year that is ending but also a chance to make goals and aspirations for the year ahead.

It's odd how vividly I remember the start of 2014. I was working through depression and trying to find the positives in my life. I was living in Fullerton and had very little contact with my friends. In fact, I remember some friends having a party/get-together and not being invited. It was a rough ending to a rough year. But the next day I woke up, went for a good long walk and felt very positive about the year ahead.

2014 feels like my transition year. It wasn't bad but it had its own challenges and struggles. The best part about remembering last new years eve so clearly is being able to compare it to how I'm feeling this year (10:40pm as I write this on NYE). I feel a strong sense of positivity and hope going into 2015. I don't usually like saying "this will be a great year" or things like that because we don't know for sure. What we do know is how we react to whatever 2015 will bring and unlike last year, I feel like I can handle whatever 2015 brings!

So here is my two-fold reflection and resolution post!

2014: I made new friends who are awesome and love Supernatural just as much as I do! I got to see Vancouver for the first time and got my favorite pic with my boys that I've taken (so far). I went to counseling and experienced God in new ways. I joined a small group bible study that I'm really really happy with and excited to see what the group has in store next year. I found a church that I'm still getting to know but feel positive about the entire adventure. I moved back to LA (culver city) with a friend and began the transition back into having my own space and the responsibilities that come along with that. I began the extremely challenging task of budgeting and learning how to spend money wisely and effectively. Throughout all the ups and downs, 2014 was a year of planting seeds and new soil for what I hope my life to be about.

2015: You are a year filled with hope and potential...(Don't tell any of the other years I said that though). You feel like a good fit and I'm excited for what we'll do together. I hope to continue budgeting and feeling empowered by using my money well so that I can do new things and have new experiences. I hope to setup a rhythm of writing more consistently and practicing what I enjoy doing! I'm hoping that 2015 is filled with joy and seeing the positives in life no matter what the circumstance. I hope for better health and taking better care of myself and my body. The theme I want for 2015 is freedom and joy. Freedom to be myself, pursue my interests, seek joy and peace from God, and enjoy the life that I have been given.

I'm running on low energy as I wind down 2014 and feel I must end this post here. May each of you reading this have wonderful new years and find your own peace and joy! Let's do this!

Happy New Year 2015!

Cartoon Realness & A Request

I know I've written about this a lot on this blog but writing helps and this is my outlet for all things writing. This is yet another post regarding depression and loneliness, both which have had a strong hold over me in the past 2 weeks. 

I have been writing and rewriting this entry so many times that I almost can't keep all the versions separate anymore. My first draft focused on the concept of "best friends" and how much resentment I have against that term and anyone lucky enough to have someone they call their "best" friend. Best. Above the rest. It's all very bothersome to me. But I couldn't flesh out more than just jealous feelings and didn't want to sit in that too long.

So I scrapped it and started reflecting on why I feel invisible/disposable to my friends because it has been a constant theme in my long term depression timeline, but also felt very strongly these past 2 weeks. The image of Jack Frost from the movie "Rise of the Guardians" flashed in my mind and I began to cry. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend you do! Without giving too much of the main story away, I want to explain why Jack Frost made me tear up. You see, he's invisible to children because they don't believe he's real. Now, I don't need children to believe I'm real in order to be seen, but I do understand Jack's pain at being ignored or seen as less than significant than others. In the movie, characters like Santa Claus, the easter bunny, and even the tooth fairy can be seen by those who believe in them. And although they can't see him, Jack still plays with kids and gives them snow days so that at least he can bring them some joy regardless of his invisibility.

"They won't remember me". "I could disappear and no one would notice". This is something I have long believed about myself; So much so that it's honestly difficult to see it as false. It's my reality most of the time. I keep to myself when there is a problem and typically find something to soothe me (food, internet, TV, etc.) instead of asking for help from friends or family. 

So this blog post is my [very public] request for those of you I call friends to check-in every once in a while. I know we're all busy and have schedules and calendars booked from here until Christmas 2020 it seems...but I'm a forgetful person and often forget anyone really cares about me. In fact, my general self-talk tells me that everyone else has a best friend or someone who looks out for them specifically (like a boyfriend or husband) and I don't...therefore I must not be important enough. So I need to be reminded, even with a simple text or email, that I'm visible. I feel very awkward talking about this so publicly and making this request, but I'm going to post it and not listen to all the thoughts in my head telling me this is selfish. 

I'm not entirely sure what to say now. 

I do want you to know that I'm going to continue to try and be better at reaching out to all of you as well. You are important to me and I see you. I know friendship is a two-way street and I hold myself responsible for my end of the deal. 

I'll leave you with this beautiful picture a fan drew that is inspired by the Disney movie "Big Hero 6". We all could use a squishy hug with Baymax, right? If you haven't seen this movie, watch "Rise of the Guardians", and then immediately this one. It's adorable. 

Be Still and know I am.

My blog feels very different than most of the blogs that I read and I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. I don't have "popular" posts about fashion/skin care but I do share insights and thoughts that I have about life and all it's ups and downs hoping that whoever reads it will know that you aren't alone. Sometimes I write to express myself, other times I write to share my love for a show or actor, and sometimes I write my observations about life in general. I can't say much other than this is the blog that I want to have and I can't be something that I'm not.

All this to say, thanks for sticking with me and if you're still reading this...I appreciate your time and attention ;)

This week I wanted to share a song with you that has helped me get through the stressful and depressing days that I've experienced recently. Without going into too many details, depression isn't something that just goes away when you start to feel "a little bit better". In my personal experience, I have good days and I have very bad days. Thankfully I'm at the point where the good outweigh the bad.

In my bad days, I often search out things that will encourage me or make me "feel better". Typically it's my favorite TV show but music comes in a close second in terms of what I seek for comfort. I recently discovered the song "Be Still" by The Fray.

No matter how hurt I am with the church, my friends, or myself...my Creator does bring me comfort when it feels as though I'm completely alone in the world. I need to turn to Him more and this song helps remind me of that fact.

I'll write out the lyrics on the bottom of the page. I encourage you to read them while listening to the song for the first time. Then, listen a second time with your eyes closed. Allow our Creator to speak through the song. Take deep breaths. Calm your mind. This was my process of listening to the song and immediately I began to cry. I needed to hear this song in my darkest moment so that I could be reminded that I'm not alone. The lyric that stood out the most to me is "If no one is standing beside you...be still and know I am".

Be still and know I am.

I hope that you do take a moment to listen and allow peace to calm your soul, even for just 3 minutes of your day.

Be still and know that I'm with you 

Be still and know that I am here. 

Be still and know that I'm with you

Be still, Be still, and know. 

When Darkness comes upon you

And colors you with fear and shame

Be still and know that I'm with you

And I will say your name. 

If terror falls upon your bed

and sleep no longer comes

Remember all the words I said

Be still, be still, and know

And when you go through the valley

And the shadow comes down from the hill

If morning never comes to be

Be still, be still, be still 

If you forget the way to go

And lose where you came from 

If no one is standing beside you 

Be still and know I am. 

Be still and know that I'm with you

Be still and know I am. 

Hello my lovely readers! My brain feels a bit scattered these days as I've gone between a crazy heavy work schedule (14 hour days!) to a fan convention in Vancouver (Canada) and then straight into a week of vacation and lounging by the pool (trying desperately) to get a tan before summer officially came to a close. 

I am back, however, to my usual routine and looking forward to what this Fall/Winter season has in store! I have a lot of little projects and ideas floating around which is exciting...but also a bit overwhelming. I fear that I'm not focusing enough on any one particular thing and that they all might suffer from being neglected. We all have busy seasons and seasons of having little to do. Well... I have finally reached a slow season professionally and I'm looking forward to focusing more on writing, blogging, learning, and hopefully having some fun while I'm at it! Excited to share this journey with you! 

That's really all I have for today's post. I posted some pictures from my Canadian vacation below! 

When in Canada, one must buy moose!

 

View from our first meal in Vancouver

Me showing my Dean Winchester love

Mom & I being silly in airports

Beautiful Stanley Park

Hope you have a wonderful weekend everyone!