Humbled. Inspired. Moved.

I'm a frequent YouTuber at this point and everyday I look at my subscriptions to see who posted a video, what new videos I can watch, and look for others to subscribe to. This has become a habit, especially working in an office that has a "slow season" which we find ourselves in currently.

One of those subscriptions is for a channel called SoulPancake. It honestly teeters on the edge of my subscriptions because some stuff I find boring or useless (Sorry!) but this newest upload has me humbled, inspired, and moved.

Please Watch before you continue.

It came out of nowhere, because like I said, SoulPancake is hit or miss with me lately. But this hit home and hit hard. This couple seems so strong and positive that it almost is unbelievable. And that's not on them, but rather on me and my cynicism. Watching the "clip" I felt humbled to have my health and my family and the life that I have right now. I felt inspired to live an even better life and to love myself and then have the capacity to spread that love to others. Then, I felt moved to tears AND action. Tears because...C'mon did you SEE the video?? Who doesn't feel for this guy? But then action because if he can do something to encourage and change the world, we all can! And I love that he didn't say any specific political agenda, religion (even though I read into what he said a bit), or environmental cause. He encourages us simply to

"cultivate a sense of love and community where you live, where you work, and where you play." 

 Sure, he gives us his examples of doing these things (shopping locally, etc.) but he allows us to make this commitment on our own terms and in the ways that work for us and our unique communities. So let's honor him and promise to cultivate love and community wherever life takes us! 

Today, as I write this, I'm having a pretty shitty work day. Excuse my language. But it's true and in order to not spread the anger and bitterness that I really want to scream out at people, I'm going to leave these feelings at work for the evening and instead choose love. I'm going to remember how blessed I am to have a job. I'm going to remember that people like Ryan Wood exist and that makes it worth it to continue. 

This next part is going to make this post SUPER SIZED but I feel it's important to say at this point. Some know of my struggles in my faith and some don't. Some know that I do call myself a Christian but that I've been doubting basically everything I've been taught for the better part of 2 years now. It's been a pretty dark season for me and honestly I don't know when it'll "end" or how it will resolve. 

This video, however, feels so timely and pertinent to me that I cannot help but attribute it to God. I know some here don't share my  faith and I do not mean to impose or offend. But let's be honest, this is my blog and these are the things on my mind. So stay with me! I feel as though God allows us space to explore, question, yell, and doubt Him. Within that space, He sends reminders that He's still there and ready for us to return. I'm not at a point ready to return or fully proclaim restoration and all that jazz...but I am in a place ready to acknowledge these moments when I feel reached out to or reminded. 

Thanks for the reminder Big Guy ;) And thank YOU person who read this WHOLE blog post! Thanks for sticking with me!

Lastly, while his updates aren't frequent lately (as I'm sure you understand why) he does have a blog and he is still writing when he has the energy. I do encourage you to read it to keep up with him and his family. He is a Christian, so his blog is definitely more pointed than the video...but no less inspirational: http://www.grassrootsconspiracy.com/blog/ 

As always, I'd love to hear from you. Comments are always welcomed <3

Brave Enough to Fail

Failure is NEVER an option.

Except when it is.

And let's be honest; sometimes it's the ONLY option. It's part of life and I hate that this is true, but it is. One of life's hardest lessons has been learning that failure is not the worst that can happen. Obviously situations can change and failure might be pretty horrible depending on the circumstances...but I'm not starring in this summer action movie and the world does not depend on my next move being perfectly perfect!

I've devoted a lot of energy and time to being as perfect as possible and it hasn't gotten me very far. Sure I got good grades in high school and working hard in college helped me basically "fall into" graduating with a double major in two subjects I absolutely love. But all of that was done in the safety and comfort of never failing. I'm proud of these accomplishments, but I also regret not doing a lot of other things (Like Spring in New York through NYU or looking for better TV/Film internships, etc.)

The fear of failure has given me some awesome gifts in my life but it's also held me back from truly experiencing life to it's fullest. I'm the type of person who always followed the rules and parents/adults always praised me for it. But I don't have stories to tell of my childhood from when I was grounded or busted. I don't have any experiences of breaking rules or doing something "bad" to share with anyone. I don't have that story about one truly awesome night when I tried to do that one thing, failed miserably and became a better person because of it. I just was. I just am. Continuously. Over and over again.

That's OK for the past me. I don't think I was ready to be risky or put myself out there when I was 13, 16, or even 21 for that matter.

But I am now.

My YouTube channel is something that I love and yet constantly doubt. Each moment I'm recording, I ask myself, "Is this even funny? Or is this pointless?" And I consider giving up. I can't keep up with my original schedule for weekly videos and that feels like failure. I'm tempted to just stop and start again when my life is interesting or when I have a "point" to my videos. BUT NO! I must continue if I want to get better. I also must remember that everyone has a start/beginning and can only get better from there. I won't be able to make hilarious videos like Wheezy Waiter...not yet anyways. I'm not The Vlogbrothers and that's ok because I'm Erika. Specifically, I'm Erika26Blog :)

There is another element in my life that I'm constantly questioning and that's going back to school. I've been studying for the GRE and honestly felt so intimidated and so much self-doubt that I almost gave up. The test cost $175 and what if I fail? Or what if I apply for grad school and don't get in?

Answer: I figure out what to do next. I try again next year? I open up my options to other schools or opportunities? I'd have so many regrets if I don't at least TRY to get in and have the life that (right now) sounds like the best plan for me. Being a flexible professor, possibly a producer, and creator sounds like a bomb resume to me! I'd love to teach classes on media critical studies, then head to set, or development meeting! Maybe I'm naive and maybe this dream isn't possible. But who am I to stop before I even try?

Failure is definitely possible in all of the things I'm attempting this year. But I'm no longer afraid. And I'm not going to stop until I succeed and get everything I ever wanted...or fail and find another way.

Hey you, reading this blog post, Don't Forget To Be Awesome (even if it's an awesome fail). *repeat*

Two Sides

So. I feel kinda weird because there's this YouTube thing I'm doing, but then there is this blog thing I've done for a while now. They feel so different and yet, in my last post, I brought them together.

I don't regret posting the link and I definitely don't regret doing the YouTube channel. However, I can't help but continually ask myself how I am going to blend the two together?

*Pauses to think*

The only (potential) answer I've come up with is NOT to blend them. Sure, I'll post links to videos or mention my blog on my channel once in a while...but these seem like two very different sides of myself and I don't want to confuse the two with each other.

The only other thought I have on the matter is having this be a written response (or lead-in) to the videos I make. Since they are both still me...it seems fair to believe they will "interact" with one another. I might comment further on my videos here instead of make hour long videos of my rambling on. I also think that video is another great outlet to think/process/reflect on life and things happening to me (which was the purpose for this blog initially). So they are definitely related. Cousins perhaps.

Ingrid (my roommate) mentioned this idea she read about that got me thinking A LOT about this issue. This book mentions having different sides within ourselves. There is the creative side and there is also the practical side. Hopefully I'm not misquoting the author (or Ingrid) by saying this. She mentioned that we need to create a space for the creative side to thrive and not let the practical side interfere WHILE we are working with our creative side. It's as though they are two completely separate people. And I have definitely felt the practical me barge into my head space while the creative me was trying to make a video or write a blog. Creative juices become rotting doubt. I second guess myself instead of allowing my idea to flourish and potentially become something great!

So I'm going to try and create a space were the practical me ISN'T ALLOWED TO BE. I'll be sure to keep you updated as I look for where this will actually be :)  I don't think it HAS to be a physical space, although that would be nice.

That's all i got for right now.

See you in either written or video form :)