Life update

I wish I could accurately describe the quantity of posts that I've been wanting to write over the course of the last month. Some got a little too personal, others too depressing... but most were great bursts of an idea but didn't develop past the title once I got to writing it out. I always hated those posts from people saying they would write more and then never getting back to it and yet I find myself doing the same thing. Words honestly couldn't describe the crazy that was the past 1 1/2 months. When I think about mid-December 2011, I can't believe how different things are now. I had just sung with the worship team at church, the guy I was dating came to hear me sing, and we had one of the best days together hanging around my house. The shortest part of the story is that I am no longer seeing that guy. I have now experienced my first (closest thing to a) breakup.

And until now, I haven't really allowed myself to acknowledge to others that I was sad about it. I didn't feel like I could/should because I kept telling myself, "You're being dramatic" or "This wasn't as big of a deal as you're making it out to be". Now, 1 1/2 months after the fact, I realize this wasn't healthy and that I slipped into a very mild (yet still existent) "survival mode" depression. This is a term that my family used when my parents were getting divorced and everything got flipped turned upside down. I'm sure it's not a term my family coined, but it basically means going through the functions required to get through the day. Eat. Sleep.Work. Repeat.
The only reason I'm sharing this on a more public forum is because I'm asking for some accountability and an overall "looking out for me". I learned a lot about myself and the insecurities I have. They all came out when I found myself a dating situation. I'm glad to have a better understanding of dating, relationships, and most importantly myself after going through this experience. But now I need to heal and move forward without allowing this sadness to hold me back. I need to let go of the idea that I can control or change anything that has or will happen in my life (dating, career path, etc.)

[UPDATE]:
It's taken me about a week to write and process this post. I spent a day this past Sunday being alone, praying, and spending time with God. Although I didn't receive any revelations or words, I did receive peace about my life. Not just one area or one thing I was thinking and praying about...but all of them! I left the coffee house that day feeling refreshed and peaceful. It's kind of amazing because it's both small/immeasurable AND remarkably huge! That's  how I know it's from God. What else can produce such a feeling? I wasn't particularly sad about anything, I wasn't longing to be somewhere else... I was happy and content with ALL I've been given. To be able to recognize what God has given to me and release the bitterness that typically accompanies a felt loss is truly the best gift and best peace God can put in my heart.

I got to see some tangible side affects of this feeling yesterday during my singing lesson. It was my first lesson in a month (illness, holidays, and scheduling) and I was feeling rusty and slightly unprepared for the session. I warmed up my voice in the car and was feeling a bit more positive, although not entirely confident. Right before I got out of my car, I decided that I wasn't going to force anything and just let my voice be what it was that night. And I had one of the best, confidence-boosting lessons ever!

Once I let go of control and realize that I can only be myself, where I'm at right now, in this moment... things got better. I'm less stressed, less anxious, more peaceful.

New York City

My mom, brother, and myself traveled to LAX on January 10th for our 6am flight to the Big Apple! The biggest reason I went to the city was to see Darren Criss in his Broadway debut in "How to Succeed in Business without Really Trying" (AMAZING!). It's not entirely allowed, but I found this link on YouTube of Darren singing the song "Brotherhood of Men" which Daniel performed for the TONYS last year (check out the choreography!): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFtldOB1wTE&feature=related

Below are some goofy pics of me outside the theater :) What can I say? I'm a dork.

I know I'm completely biased, but Darren was spectacular in this role. He was perfect for Finch (the lead male character)! I was so proud of all this boy accomplished in just over a year. He was so happy on that stage and I have NO doubt that we'll be seeing more of him on the big broad way! 

Some of the most memorable times were when I went on my own little adventures around the city! I took the subway to meet a couple new friends and overall explore. I ate "Shake Shack" in Madison Square Park and it was beautiful. They had white lights and heat lamps with the city in the background. I didn't want to leave but my fingers began to freeze so I headed back to the hotel :) 

It was INSANE to see his face in Times Square!

Fans waiting outside for Darren. Stage Door Insanity!

 This is just a small summary of my time, but overall, it was an amazing trip. I feel so alive when I'm in New York! This trip helped seal my plans of living there at some point in my life. I am so lucky that I have people and family who generously gave and donated to this trip to make it all happen. I can't thank YOU enough. This trip was a dream come true for me and the beginning of another excited chapter and goal in my life.

Although we didn't always get along, it was nice having my family there and getting to see my mom take in New York for the first time! It was a week of firsts and that was really exciting to experience. While my brother learned that he doesn't really like New York (he's nuts!) I was glad that he was there to see Darren and experience some new parts of the city too! 

Unfortunately, the trip had to end on Saturday, January 14th. Obviously I was very sad (and apparently my mom was too) but my brother accurately expressed how he felt to return home to LA in the picture below. 

You've all heard me talk about Darren (and maybe a little too much) but I can't help it. No I didn't get to meet him again or even talk with him. But because he got to perform on Broadway and live one of his dreams, I  got to travel to the best city in the world and witness it all for myself. I'm so blessed to have the opportunities I have and the chance to see all that I have already seen. It sounds crazy (and maybe it is) but so much of what I've done this past year has been related to what he has brought to my life. This trip was definitely MORE than just seeing him, but it never would have happened if he didn't start it. New York, I will see you again. You are beautiful and I hope we can be lifelong friends. And yes, I did just address a city as if it were a person. 

The remainder of the pictures we took will be posted on my Facebook later this week :)

Gobble Gobble

I rarely write out the things that I am thankful for because it always felt super cheesy and contrived. This year, however, feels like an extraordinary year in the scheme of the 25 I've had so far. So, with all that said, here is my list of things that I'm thankful for:

• The Gift of Music: This year, I've re-discovered my love of all things musical.
• First was my love for Glee (rejuvenated love that is). It's a weird love affair because I know in my TV-writer heart that it's poorly written and inconsistent. But I can't help but love the musical numbers, love certain characters (Klaine), and enjoy the occasional good storyline. 
• Then came my love for Starkid and their first big musical "A Very Potter Musical". Stemmed from Darren being on Glee, I found myself inspired to check out his earlier work. Best decision I've made this past year. This has been the gateway to so many good things in my life, and for that I'm so thankful to them. 
• I began taking voice lessons! Second best decision I've made this year. Each session is challenging and life-giving in equal measure. This is the most active and creative way I see God working in my life. And it's all through my singing. I love it. 

• The Gift of Freedom: This is something that has been evolving since my years in college, but this year in particular has been a huge year of breaking chains that have held me down and releasing things to God.
•  I am actively working to restore and repair my relationship with God. Each breakthrough brings freedom to our relationship and freedom in my heart to accept His love more and more.
• I have also experienced freedom to express myself to God honestly. I have some deep hurts and disappointments with God, and I feel free now to express and release those to Him and trust they will be redeemed and restored. 
• I have gained freedom to be myself and freedom to accept who I am, both physically and emotionally. I haven't always liked who I was or how I looked, but God is freeing my sight to see what He sees in me. Definitely a work in progress, but I'm so thankful for what glimpses He's given me so far...

• The Gift of Friendship: This year has been a roller coaster of community and friendship for me. There were definitely dark times when I doubted each of my friendships and community. I doubted that I could be loved by any of them and felt like starting over. But God is good to me and brought people (some I'd known and some I didn't until recently) to remind me that friendship is worth fighting for and I am capable of being loved by my friends. I knew friendship was important, but this year has reminded me just how much friends bring to my life. I'm so thankful you've all stuck around for me, even when I wasn't the best friend back to you. 
• God has also given me a great community of people who want to be better and want to support one another. I love my corner community for what we are trying to be. We aren't perfect, but we are trying to be better together :) So grateful! 

• The Gift of Love: I haven't always felt like love was part of my life, mainly because I narrowly thought "love" looked a certain way. But this year, I've been better able to recognize when I'm loved and that has given me the ability to love others better so they feel that love in return. 
• I have always had a great family who loves and supports me. I seriously don't know where I would be without them. I love you. 
• This might be mushy, but I'm just thankful that God gave us the ability to love each other. It amazes me when I see an act of love shared between people. I'm so thankful.   

I hope that we are able to see what gifts we have been given and appreciate how much we are loved and seen by God. We have so much to be thankful for, if only we would take the time to reflect on the blessings we have been given. 

Happy Thanksgiving <3