At my cell group this week, we had a particularly good study. We are entering into a season of Advent and anticipating Jesus' birth so we studied Zechariah & Elizabeth's story (the beginning anyway) when Zechariah is given word of his wife's pregnancy.
Their story has never "hit-home" for me like it did after Monday night. We thought about what life might have been like prior to this part of their story. What is day-to-day like for a husband and wife who long for a child but cannot have one? The text describes them as "righteous in the sight of God, observing all the Lord's commands and decrees blamelessly" (v.6). Which at first glance, it seems like anyone in the Bible could have that description. But what is so amazing and encouraging about Elizabeth & Zezhariah is that while they desperately wanted something from God (a child) and with each day that passed until this point they did not receive it, they still were righteous and observed the Lord's commands. They were blameless even!
How often have I been angry or hurt by God for things that I want but haven't received? Do I think that I am blameless in the eyes of God? Nope. I definitely wouldn't fit that category.
Bitter maybe...
But this is a story of faith and not bitterness. Elizabeth was probably shunned from certain social activities or just not included because she didn't have children of her own. She was seen as "less than" and even judged. Zechariah had to bear some of that burden when he came home and the social stigma that it had on him as well. Who knows what their daily conversations/arguments looked like. And yet they were seen by God to be righteous and blameless. Why? Because they must have decided that God is enough. The Lord's commands were worth obeying regardless of what they "got" out of it. Society didn't define their faith in the Lord. Their own desires or wants in life didn't distract them from knowing the true love of God and the value that held above all.
Yes, I have been a single woman my entire life. Yes! I want to date and eventually be married. Yes, I hope that God will hear my prayers.
No, I will not use this temporary disappointment to define my faith in God. I want to be better than what I have been. I want to be blameless in the eyes of God. I want to find my comfort and peace in God, not in a hope or expectation of a relationship.
At this point I feel I am rambling.
To whoever is reading, thank you. May God show you just how valuable you are.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
Reflections..
The holidays bring up both good and bad memories, especially as the new year approaches and we begin to reflect back on the year that is ending and look ahead for the year to come.
Recently my roommates and I were thinking about the past year and all that God has done. While listening to their reflections, I was reminded of the past year I've had with God. It was just about a year ago that I had a "healing prayer" session that began a series of events that led to a dark time in my faith. I felt that God brought up some deep rooted issues during the session and then didn't provide me with the support to follow it up. I felt abandoned and uncared for on all counts. It was one of the most difficult, lonely, and challenging experiences I have had with God and with the people involved. I specifically remember contemplating leaving the faith, doubting my belief in God and questioning His love for me.
The next day was the Thanksgiving Dinner for Church of the Redeemer and I felt like the world around me continued while I was frozen; stuck in a dark and lonely place. I went to the dinner, talked with 1 or 2 people and then I left right before the testimonies began ( because I was in no place to hear testimonies about God).
Christmas came and I felt very sad. I felt as though something was missing from my life but I didn't know what it was or if I wanted it ever again. I went to church and each week I cried. I was sad that I wasn't experiencing God the same way the people around me were. I was sad because something I had once believed in was no longer part of my life.
And then God spoke.
I've already written about this in previous posts, but I feel the need to share in brief again. God spoke to me through an image that communicated to me just how much Jesus loved me and wanted to lift me up, if only I would allow Him. And now, almost 10 months later, I am just getting back into a trusting and meaningful relationship with Jesus again. I'm a weak and broken person who initially trusts people (and God) but after that trust has been broken it's extremely difficult for me to trust again, even with my Heavenly Father. It's foolishness (I know) to think that I'm in any way in control of my life or that Jesus is looking for my approval. I know He isn't. But I also know that He wants to love me and wants me to give all control and trust to Him and Him alone. I just have to decide to do it.
It's taken 10+ months to believe God is real to me again. 10 months to muster up the courage to trust again. And yet I find a lingering sense of doubt within me. Staying here in LA has been a lot of ups and downs relationally with the people around me and with God. I'm learning a lot about who I am and who God wants me to be...and trying to figure out how to trust again.
I'm so thankful for my cell group and the seed that it is. I believe it's a seed that God has planted in my life to begin growth and healing from the broken and bitter past I've had. I'm thankful that this year's Thanksgiving Dinner with my church looks to be one filled with renewed joy and hope as we begin to journey to Christmas. I'm looking forward to church services with tears of joy and praise. Such a different place than last year, and praise God for that!
Recently my roommates and I were thinking about the past year and all that God has done. While listening to their reflections, I was reminded of the past year I've had with God. It was just about a year ago that I had a "healing prayer" session that began a series of events that led to a dark time in my faith. I felt that God brought up some deep rooted issues during the session and then didn't provide me with the support to follow it up. I felt abandoned and uncared for on all counts. It was one of the most difficult, lonely, and challenging experiences I have had with God and with the people involved. I specifically remember contemplating leaving the faith, doubting my belief in God and questioning His love for me.
The next day was the Thanksgiving Dinner for Church of the Redeemer and I felt like the world around me continued while I was frozen; stuck in a dark and lonely place. I went to the dinner, talked with 1 or 2 people and then I left right before the testimonies began ( because I was in no place to hear testimonies about God).
Christmas came and I felt very sad. I felt as though something was missing from my life but I didn't know what it was or if I wanted it ever again. I went to church and each week I cried. I was sad that I wasn't experiencing God the same way the people around me were. I was sad because something I had once believed in was no longer part of my life.
And then God spoke.
I've already written about this in previous posts, but I feel the need to share in brief again. God spoke to me through an image that communicated to me just how much Jesus loved me and wanted to lift me up, if only I would allow Him. And now, almost 10 months later, I am just getting back into a trusting and meaningful relationship with Jesus again. I'm a weak and broken person who initially trusts people (and God) but after that trust has been broken it's extremely difficult for me to trust again, even with my Heavenly Father. It's foolishness (I know) to think that I'm in any way in control of my life or that Jesus is looking for my approval. I know He isn't. But I also know that He wants to love me and wants me to give all control and trust to Him and Him alone. I just have to decide to do it.
It's taken 10+ months to believe God is real to me again. 10 months to muster up the courage to trust again. And yet I find a lingering sense of doubt within me. Staying here in LA has been a lot of ups and downs relationally with the people around me and with God. I'm learning a lot about who I am and who God wants me to be...and trying to figure out how to trust again.
I'm so thankful for my cell group and the seed that it is. I believe it's a seed that God has planted in my life to begin growth and healing from the broken and bitter past I've had. I'm thankful that this year's Thanksgiving Dinner with my church looks to be one filled with renewed joy and hope as we begin to journey to Christmas. I'm looking forward to church services with tears of joy and praise. Such a different place than last year, and praise God for that!
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Take 3
OK, I have written about 2 other versions of a blog but haven't posted any of them because I have so much going on inside that I can't properly write it out into words or sentences that anyone would understand. So here's my third try...
Do you ever feel like you have so many thoughts, opinions, and creativity flowing in your mind that it's stuck. I can't believe that I'm going to use a term such as this, but I'm basically feeling Creatively Constipated.
When I started my first blog entry, I wanted to talk about my weight loss journey. The highs and lows, and a recent rejuvenation of my excitement to lose weight for good. But whoa! Talk about personal and intimate blog post. So I thought about it and then saved it as a draft for later.
Then I began another blog post talking about how the past couple of weeks have been (especially with weight watchers). Do you sense a theme?
So here is my attempt to share all the highs and lows without going too far into the personal details that are too sensitive for me to share, yet.
Weight loss has been on my mind (more or less) for the past two years of my life. When I first began to really work at losing weight two years ago, it was all I could think about. For a few months I was doing really well. Then, I just stopped. I was bitter that everyone around me could talk about (and eat) whatever they wanted and I couldn't. I thought that weight watchers was a chain that held me back from experiencing life like everyone else. I was angry that I had to be different and couldn't "enjoy" life. That dangerous thought literally took me out of the game for a year. I eventually stopped trying to lose weight all together and ate whatever I wanted. At first I felt free; free to experience the things I wanted (particularly in the area of food and hanging out with friends/social eating). You see, I have always used food as a tool to enhance the experiences I have in life. Maybe that doesn't make sense to some people, but let me explain. Let's say I was having a great day. Work went well and I felt really great. I would want to eat out or get dessert at the end of the day to make it that much better. Interestingly enough, I would also use food to make a bad day better. Work might have been stressful and I was feeling terrible. I would then want to eat my "comfort food" (which is greasy fast food) to make it better.
After a year of indulging I finally began to feel the effects these choices had on my body. I was gaining weight back, feeling more depressed, and lacking motivation to do much of anything. When I first began a regular workout routine, I learned that I was actually an active person! I really enjoyed sweating and moving around. But in the year following that I realized I had lost that interest and chose to lay around most of the time. What happened??
Well, I'm writing this blog to ask for your accountability. I finally reached a point where I remembered how much I love working out, dancing, and moving and now I want to get back into a healthy routine of eating healthy and moving around again! All I ask is for your prayers and encouragement to help me keep going. At the moment I'm focused and feeling great, but I know there will be a time when I'm tired and reach a point where it's not all fun and new again. That's exactly when I'll need your encouragement and reminder of the things I write in this blog. Remind me that I love to dance and I feel so much better when I exercise. Remind me that I want to be healthy and live a long life! Remind me that food is never a good replacement for emotions.
Thanks for allowing me to be free to express myself and work at being free to share my creative writing juices. Hopefully some good posts will form soon!
Peace.
Do you ever feel like you have so many thoughts, opinions, and creativity flowing in your mind that it's stuck. I can't believe that I'm going to use a term such as this, but I'm basically feeling Creatively Constipated.
When I started my first blog entry, I wanted to talk about my weight loss journey. The highs and lows, and a recent rejuvenation of my excitement to lose weight for good. But whoa! Talk about personal and intimate blog post. So I thought about it and then saved it as a draft for later.
Then I began another blog post talking about how the past couple of weeks have been (especially with weight watchers). Do you sense a theme?
So here is my attempt to share all the highs and lows without going too far into the personal details that are too sensitive for me to share, yet.
Weight loss has been on my mind (more or less) for the past two years of my life. When I first began to really work at losing weight two years ago, it was all I could think about. For a few months I was doing really well. Then, I just stopped. I was bitter that everyone around me could talk about (and eat) whatever they wanted and I couldn't. I thought that weight watchers was a chain that held me back from experiencing life like everyone else. I was angry that I had to be different and couldn't "enjoy" life. That dangerous thought literally took me out of the game for a year. I eventually stopped trying to lose weight all together and ate whatever I wanted. At first I felt free; free to experience the things I wanted (particularly in the area of food and hanging out with friends/social eating). You see, I have always used food as a tool to enhance the experiences I have in life. Maybe that doesn't make sense to some people, but let me explain. Let's say I was having a great day. Work went well and I felt really great. I would want to eat out or get dessert at the end of the day to make it that much better. Interestingly enough, I would also use food to make a bad day better. Work might have been stressful and I was feeling terrible. I would then want to eat my "comfort food" (which is greasy fast food) to make it better.
After a year of indulging I finally began to feel the effects these choices had on my body. I was gaining weight back, feeling more depressed, and lacking motivation to do much of anything. When I first began a regular workout routine, I learned that I was actually an active person! I really enjoyed sweating and moving around. But in the year following that I realized I had lost that interest and chose to lay around most of the time. What happened??
Well, I'm writing this blog to ask for your accountability. I finally reached a point where I remembered how much I love working out, dancing, and moving and now I want to get back into a healthy routine of eating healthy and moving around again! All I ask is for your prayers and encouragement to help me keep going. At the moment I'm focused and feeling great, but I know there will be a time when I'm tired and reach a point where it's not all fun and new again. That's exactly when I'll need your encouragement and reminder of the things I write in this blog. Remind me that I love to dance and I feel so much better when I exercise. Remind me that I want to be healthy and live a long life! Remind me that food is never a good replacement for emotions.
Thanks for allowing me to be free to express myself and work at being free to share my creative writing juices. Hopefully some good posts will form soon!
Peace.
Subscribe to:
Posts
(
Atom
)