Highs and Lows

I've written about this in previous posts, so excuse my repetition, but I'm constantly reminded that life is filled with the highs and lows and they are often existing in the same moment. I wish this weren't true, but I seem to find myself most drawn to writing when life is at its low moments. I want that to change however, so I'm going to include the good things that are also happening alongside the lows I've experienced lately. Life is better balanced anyway...right?

I recently started seeing someone through Kaiser to help with depression care and while we've only met once, I already feel extremely hopeful and encouraged. She's not a therapist but she helps patients set goals and try to keep life going when we feel as though life has slowed down due to depression and lack of motivation. It's pretty close to what I was looking for last year when I saw a therapist through Soul Restoration project out in Orange County. The best part is that it's free so it's not adding an additional financial burden to seek help!

The timing couldn't have been more perfect because I've found myself spiraling down back into familiar depression stages. I've struggled sleeping through the night, fallen back on bad eating habits, and lost motivation to care not only for my own life but for others. Unfortunately, it's a vicious cycle because the less I care about eating well the deeper I fall in feeling depressed and round and around we go. I'm so thankful that I began seeing her last week and thankful that it'll be a more extended time seeing her every other week for a few months.

I started an actual adult budget with the help of a family friend and it's been the perfect mixture of happiness and pain. It's painful to track where you spend money when you aren't used to the details of your day. However, it's also empowering to know where you spend money and have the ability to determine what takes priority in your life. I'm not too far into debt but I definitely need to pay off some credit cards and pay back some generous friends so that I can get my life in order.

That's it for this short and sweet little update. I'm hoping to work on another post for the beginning of February dreams for the future!

Once again, thanks for reading these updates and for sticking with me through all the highs and (mainly) lows that I tend to share. I'm so thankful for each and every eye that gives this little piece of my heart some time and attention.

New Year 2015!

It's going to be a brand spanking new year pretty soon, and while I'm not into New Years Eve parties, I definitely feel excited and rejuvenated with each new year. I see it as a time not only to reflect on the year that is ending but also a chance to make goals and aspirations for the year ahead.

It's odd how vividly I remember the start of 2014. I was working through depression and trying to find the positives in my life. I was living in Fullerton and had very little contact with my friends. In fact, I remember some friends having a party/get-together and not being invited. It was a rough ending to a rough year. But the next day I woke up, went for a good long walk and felt very positive about the year ahead.

2014 feels like my transition year. It wasn't bad but it had its own challenges and struggles. The best part about remembering last new years eve so clearly is being able to compare it to how I'm feeling this year (10:40pm as I write this on NYE). I feel a strong sense of positivity and hope going into 2015. I don't usually like saying "this will be a great year" or things like that because we don't know for sure. What we do know is how we react to whatever 2015 will bring and unlike last year, I feel like I can handle whatever 2015 brings!

So here is my two-fold reflection and resolution post!

2014: I made new friends who are awesome and love Supernatural just as much as I do! I got to see Vancouver for the first time and got my favorite pic with my boys that I've taken (so far). I went to counseling and experienced God in new ways. I joined a small group bible study that I'm really really happy with and excited to see what the group has in store next year. I found a church that I'm still getting to know but feel positive about the entire adventure. I moved back to LA (culver city) with a friend and began the transition back into having my own space and the responsibilities that come along with that. I began the extremely challenging task of budgeting and learning how to spend money wisely and effectively. Throughout all the ups and downs, 2014 was a year of planting seeds and new soil for what I hope my life to be about.

2015: You are a year filled with hope and potential...(Don't tell any of the other years I said that though). You feel like a good fit and I'm excited for what we'll do together. I hope to continue budgeting and feeling empowered by using my money well so that I can do new things and have new experiences. I hope to setup a rhythm of writing more consistently and practicing what I enjoy doing! I'm hoping that 2015 is filled with joy and seeing the positives in life no matter what the circumstance. I hope for better health and taking better care of myself and my body. The theme I want for 2015 is freedom and joy. Freedom to be myself, pursue my interests, seek joy and peace from God, and enjoy the life that I have been given.

I'm running on low energy as I wind down 2014 and feel I must end this post here. May each of you reading this have wonderful new years and find your own peace and joy! Let's do this!

Happy New Year 2015!

Cartoon Realness & A Request

I know I've written about this a lot on this blog but writing helps and this is my outlet for all things writing. This is yet another post regarding depression and loneliness, both which have had a strong hold over me in the past 2 weeks. 

I have been writing and rewriting this entry so many times that I almost can't keep all the versions separate anymore. My first draft focused on the concept of "best friends" and how much resentment I have against that term and anyone lucky enough to have someone they call their "best" friend. Best. Above the rest. It's all very bothersome to me. But I couldn't flesh out more than just jealous feelings and didn't want to sit in that too long.

So I scrapped it and started reflecting on why I feel invisible/disposable to my friends because it has been a constant theme in my long term depression timeline, but also felt very strongly these past 2 weeks. The image of Jack Frost from the movie "Rise of the Guardians" flashed in my mind and I began to cry. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend you do! Without giving too much of the main story away, I want to explain why Jack Frost made me tear up. You see, he's invisible to children because they don't believe he's real. Now, I don't need children to believe I'm real in order to be seen, but I do understand Jack's pain at being ignored or seen as less than significant than others. In the movie, characters like Santa Claus, the easter bunny, and even the tooth fairy can be seen by those who believe in them. And although they can't see him, Jack still plays with kids and gives them snow days so that at least he can bring them some joy regardless of his invisibility.

"They won't remember me". "I could disappear and no one would notice". This is something I have long believed about myself; So much so that it's honestly difficult to see it as false. It's my reality most of the time. I keep to myself when there is a problem and typically find something to soothe me (food, internet, TV, etc.) instead of asking for help from friends or family. 

So this blog post is my [very public] request for those of you I call friends to check-in every once in a while. I know we're all busy and have schedules and calendars booked from here until Christmas 2020 it seems...but I'm a forgetful person and often forget anyone really cares about me. In fact, my general self-talk tells me that everyone else has a best friend or someone who looks out for them specifically (like a boyfriend or husband) and I don't...therefore I must not be important enough. So I need to be reminded, even with a simple text or email, that I'm visible. I feel very awkward talking about this so publicly and making this request, but I'm going to post it and not listen to all the thoughts in my head telling me this is selfish. 

I'm not entirely sure what to say now. 

I do want you to know that I'm going to continue to try and be better at reaching out to all of you as well. You are important to me and I see you. I know friendship is a two-way street and I hold myself responsible for my end of the deal. 

I'll leave you with this beautiful picture a fan drew that is inspired by the Disney movie "Big Hero 6". We all could use a squishy hug with Baymax, right? If you haven't seen this movie, watch "Rise of the Guardians", and then immediately this one. It's adorable.