Chicago 2011: Starkid Slamaganza

My Birthday trip captured in video. This was one of the BEST trips not just for the place and adventure, but the people I met and the future hopes that began there.

This past weekend, I saw the movie  J. Edgar starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Armie Hammer. I had not seen one trailer or clip from the film prior to this weekend. The only piece of information I had was a movie poster I saw in Hollywood a few weeks back. I had no idea what the story would focus on when I entered the movie theater. I was pleasantly surprised during the film because I found myself captivated and moved by the story unfolding before me. I am not a historian and there are many important people that I do not know much about, one of them being J. Edgar Hoover. So I let the film tell me his story without knowing what's fact, fiction, or a mixture of the two.

I'll be the first to admit that I am not a "film" person because my media-loving heart leans heavily towards television (which is seen as the bastard stepchild of film in some circles). That being said, I loved this movie! The reason I loved it is similar to the reason I prefer TV, which is that its a character driven story. If I fall in love with your character (and yes, I do fall in love with fictional characters) then you will have a loyal fan in me.

All that being said, I found the characters in J. Edgar intriguing enough to keep my attention and wonder what will happen between each of the relationships in the film. The main character himself is an odd man, who seems to have a slight speech impediment, lack of social skills, and a temper that is hard to comprehend because its so sudden and unexpected by both the on-screen cast and the audience watching. And yet,  I saw through his anger and isolation, a man holding onto deep personal secrets (and not limited to his own, but also the secrets of those around him). Throughout the film, I could see the wear and tear these secrets had on him as a person and it broke my heart. We were not created to hold such deep secrets in our hearts, and this film illustrates what that can do to a person if they try.

Armie Hammer really held my heart through the entire film. I love his performance as a gentle and smart man, with secrets of his own to protect. He plays Hoover's assistant and confidante in all matters of the job. I won't spoil you too much, but their friendship is beautiful, sad, and tragic. I enjoyed watching Armie (what a name, right?) in a character so drastically different than what he has previously played (The Social Network). He was compassionate and loving, honest and humble. <3

Ultimately, this is not a movie review. I am not a film critic. I take in movies and experience the emotions they bring up within me rather than analyze specific shots, color contrasts, or technical details in the film-making process. This movie moved me to tears. My heart ached watching  J. Edgar work so hard for his job, for his family, and for justice and yet his life and love limited, and in some ways avoided. I felt bad for him because he was so close to something meaningful and yet so far away from being able to accept it.

God has given me an extremely soft heart for the issues brought up in the film and for that I am so thankful to Him. I haven't always had this heart for the LGBT community, but I'm glad He has opened my heart to love and encourage those around me.

 I will not give answers to those hard questions you maybe asking or wondering about me. That's not my job. But I will say that I loved this movie because it moved me. It made me feel something deep in my heart for those who are told they cannot love...and my heart was broken.

Our world has enough hate in it, we don't need to spread anymore.

I encourage you to see the film and think about what it brings up for you. Then we can discuss!

Peace <3

Vague is Vague, Good is Good

This will be one of my more vague posts, and for that I do apologize. I would want to share more, but there's still stuff needing time to process and develop before that is possible.

If you've read my blog before, you most likely know that change and I are not friends. Even good changes in my life can be hard for me to accept. Recently, I've been able to experience something new (and exciting) but I can feel myself begin putting up the walls and guard myself in fear of the unknown.

The path that I'm walking is completely new territory. It's something I've thought about for a long time and something I want eventually, but that doesn't replace the fear and insecurities. I can't believe I'm going to write this, but I honestly thought my insecurities would lessen once this happened to me. Not true! In fact, they are shoved even more in my face due to this. I find myself battling in my head against the lies that I've believed for so long about myself. Unfortunately, new ones have also crept up and must be dealt with accordingly (prayer, conversations, friends, etc).

I continue to try and see God in the midst of this new experience.

Thankfully I see Him, but it's hard to keep focus. I'm easily distracted and forget just how central He is in all of this. This is a good gift to me from God, no matter what happens. And that is what I must always remember. It's also important to remember that God's gifts vary and cannot be limited to any one dream or aspiration you have! If this wasn't happening in my life, there would be other good gifts that I would have to celebrate. I don't want anyone to think that God is only good when his gifts look like this (or that...or whatever it is you want in life). He is not limited to our hopes and dreams for ourselves. He wants to give us even better than we imagine. I'm really starting to believe this and see it in my own life!

Thanks for being patient and reading my semi-vague post.

I'll keep you posted ;)