Cartoon Realness & A Request

I know I've written about this a lot on this blog but writing helps and this is my outlet for all things writing. This is yet another post regarding depression and loneliness, both which have had a strong hold over me in the past 2 weeks. 

I have been writing and rewriting this entry so many times that I almost can't keep all the versions separate anymore. My first draft focused on the concept of "best friends" and how much resentment I have against that term and anyone lucky enough to have someone they call their "best" friend. Best. Above the rest. It's all very bothersome to me. But I couldn't flesh out more than just jealous feelings and didn't want to sit in that too long.

So I scrapped it and started reflecting on why I feel invisible/disposable to my friends because it has been a constant theme in my long term depression timeline, but also felt very strongly these past 2 weeks. The image of Jack Frost from the movie "Rise of the Guardians" flashed in my mind and I began to cry. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend you do! Without giving too much of the main story away, I want to explain why Jack Frost made me tear up. You see, he's invisible to children because they don't believe he's real. Now, I don't need children to believe I'm real in order to be seen, but I do understand Jack's pain at being ignored or seen as less than significant than others. In the movie, characters like Santa Claus, the easter bunny, and even the tooth fairy can be seen by those who believe in them. And although they can't see him, Jack still plays with kids and gives them snow days so that at least he can bring them some joy regardless of his invisibility.

"They won't remember me". "I could disappear and no one would notice". This is something I have long believed about myself; So much so that it's honestly difficult to see it as false. It's my reality most of the time. I keep to myself when there is a problem and typically find something to soothe me (food, internet, TV, etc.) instead of asking for help from friends or family. 

So this blog post is my [very public] request for those of you I call friends to check-in every once in a while. I know we're all busy and have schedules and calendars booked from here until Christmas 2020 it seems...but I'm a forgetful person and often forget anyone really cares about me. In fact, my general self-talk tells me that everyone else has a best friend or someone who looks out for them specifically (like a boyfriend or husband) and I don't...therefore I must not be important enough. So I need to be reminded, even with a simple text or email, that I'm visible. I feel very awkward talking about this so publicly and making this request, but I'm going to post it and not listen to all the thoughts in my head telling me this is selfish. 

I'm not entirely sure what to say now. 

I do want you to know that I'm going to continue to try and be better at reaching out to all of you as well. You are important to me and I see you. I know friendship is a two-way street and I hold myself responsible for my end of the deal. 

I'll leave you with this beautiful picture a fan drew that is inspired by the Disney movie "Big Hero 6". We all could use a squishy hug with Baymax, right? If you haven't seen this movie, watch "Rise of the Guardians", and then immediately this one. It's adorable. 

Be Still and know I am.

My blog feels very different than most of the blogs that I read and I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. I don't have "popular" posts about fashion/skin care but I do share insights and thoughts that I have about life and all it's ups and downs hoping that whoever reads it will know that you aren't alone. Sometimes I write to express myself, other times I write to share my love for a show or actor, and sometimes I write my observations about life in general. I can't say much other than this is the blog that I want to have and I can't be something that I'm not.

All this to say, thanks for sticking with me and if you're still reading this...I appreciate your time and attention ;)

This week I wanted to share a song with you that has helped me get through the stressful and depressing days that I've experienced recently. Without going into too many details, depression isn't something that just goes away when you start to feel "a little bit better". In my personal experience, I have good days and I have very bad days. Thankfully I'm at the point where the good outweigh the bad.

In my bad days, I often search out things that will encourage me or make me "feel better". Typically it's my favorite TV show but music comes in a close second in terms of what I seek for comfort. I recently discovered the song "Be Still" by The Fray.

No matter how hurt I am with the church, my friends, or myself...my Creator does bring me comfort when it feels as though I'm completely alone in the world. I need to turn to Him more and this song helps remind me of that fact.

I'll write out the lyrics on the bottom of the page. I encourage you to read them while listening to the song for the first time. Then, listen a second time with your eyes closed. Allow our Creator to speak through the song. Take deep breaths. Calm your mind. This was my process of listening to the song and immediately I began to cry. I needed to hear this song in my darkest moment so that I could be reminded that I'm not alone. The lyric that stood out the most to me is "If no one is standing beside you...be still and know I am".

Be still and know I am.

I hope that you do take a moment to listen and allow peace to calm your soul, even for just 3 minutes of your day.

Be still and know that I'm with you 

Be still and know that I am here. 

Be still and know that I'm with you

Be still, Be still, and know. 

When Darkness comes upon you

And colors you with fear and shame

Be still and know that I'm with you

And I will say your name. 

If terror falls upon your bed

and sleep no longer comes

Remember all the words I said

Be still, be still, and know

And when you go through the valley

And the shadow comes down from the hill

If morning never comes to be

Be still, be still, be still 

If you forget the way to go

And lose where you came from 

If no one is standing beside you 

Be still and know I am. 

Be still and know that I'm with you

Be still and know I am. 

Hello my lovely readers! My brain feels a bit scattered these days as I've gone between a crazy heavy work schedule (14 hour days!) to a fan convention in Vancouver (Canada) and then straight into a week of vacation and lounging by the pool (trying desperately) to get a tan before summer officially came to a close. 

I am back, however, to my usual routine and looking forward to what this Fall/Winter season has in store! I have a lot of little projects and ideas floating around which is exciting...but also a bit overwhelming. I fear that I'm not focusing enough on any one particular thing and that they all might suffer from being neglected. We all have busy seasons and seasons of having little to do. Well... I have finally reached a slow season professionally and I'm looking forward to focusing more on writing, blogging, learning, and hopefully having some fun while I'm at it! Excited to share this journey with you! 

That's really all I have for today's post. I posted some pictures from my Canadian vacation below! 

When in Canada, one must buy moose!

 

View from our first meal in Vancouver

Me showing my Dean Winchester love

Mom & I being silly in airports

Beautiful Stanley Park

Hope you have a wonderful weekend everyone!