Take 3

OK, I have written about 2 other versions of a blog but haven't posted any of them because I have so much going on inside that I can't properly write it out into words or sentences that anyone would understand. So here's my third try...

Do you ever feel like you have so many thoughts, opinions, and creativity flowing in your mind that it's stuck. I can't believe that I'm going to use a term such as this, but I'm basically feeling Creatively Constipated.

When I started my first blog entry, I wanted to talk about my weight loss journey. The highs and lows, and a recent rejuvenation of my excitement to lose weight for good. But whoa! Talk about personal and intimate blog post. So I thought about it and then saved it as a draft for later.

Then I began another blog post talking about how the past couple of weeks have been (especially with weight watchers). Do you sense a theme?

So here is my attempt to share all the highs and lows without going too far into the personal details that are too sensitive for me to share, yet. 

Weight loss has been on my mind (more or less) for the past two years of my life. When I first began to really work at losing weight two years ago, it was all I could think about. For a few months I was doing really well. Then, I just stopped. I was bitter that everyone around me could talk about (and eat) whatever they wanted and I couldn't. I thought that weight watchers was a chain that held me back from experiencing life like everyone else. I was angry that I had to be different and couldn't "enjoy" life. That dangerous thought literally took me out of the game for a year. I eventually stopped trying to lose weight all together and ate whatever I wanted. At first I felt free; free to experience the things I wanted (particularly in the area of food and hanging out with friends/social eating). You see, I have always used food as a tool to enhance the experiences I have in life. Maybe that doesn't make sense to some people, but let me explain. Let's say I was having a great day. Work went well and I felt really great. I would want to eat out or get dessert at the end of the day to make it that much better. Interestingly enough, I would also use food to make a bad day better. Work might have been stressful and I was feeling terrible. I would then want to eat my "comfort food" (which is greasy fast food) to make it better.

After a year of indulging I finally began to feel the effects these choices had on my body. I was gaining weight back, feeling more depressed, and lacking motivation to do much of anything. When I first began a regular workout routine, I learned that I was actually an active person! I really enjoyed sweating and moving around. But in the year following that I realized I had lost that interest and chose to lay around most of the time. What happened??

Well, I'm writing this blog to ask for your accountability. I finally reached a point where I remembered how much I love working out, dancing, and moving and now I want to get back into a healthy routine of eating healthy and moving around again! All I ask is for your prayers and encouragement to help me keep going. At the moment I'm focused and feeling great, but I know there will be a time when I'm tired and reach a point where it's not all fun and new again. That's exactly when I'll need your encouragement and reminder of the things I write in this blog. Remind me that I love to dance and I feel so much better when I exercise. Remind me that I want to be healthy and live a long life! Remind me that food is never a good replacement for emotions.

Thanks for allowing me to be free to express myself and work at being free to share my creative writing juices. Hopefully some good posts will form soon!

Peace.

Past Emotional Memories

Last night I drove the new SP Interns to LAX for them to catch a 16-hour flight to Manila. All day I felt nervous and anxious and I couldn't understand why. It was as though I was going on the trip with them and the thought of returning to such a hard place made my stomach turn. I barely ate because I was too anxious.

When I got home from work, I had to close my bedroom door to quiet myself before meeting with the interns soon after. I was nervous... but I didn't want to share my nerves with the interns because I'm sure they had enough of their own.

But I kept asking myself, "Why am I so nervous?".

We eventually got in the car and began the journey to LAX. We chatted a bit about their days, listened to GLEE, and after what seemed like no time at all, we were pulling up to the International Terminal. I gave my intern car-buddies each a hug and they were off. I looked into the terminal and remembered how terrified I was 2 years ago when that was me preparing to fly to Manila...

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I had never been on an international missions trip. I had never been to a slum. I had never done anything like what I was about to embark upon with virtually no one at my side. I didn't have a close friend or partner to go with me and hold my hand. I remember feeling like I was the only one who was afraid to go to Manila on my team. Everyone else seemed to be excited and happy to be going. I felt so alone in my fear. I sat down in my seat on the plane and began crying. I was alone and heading to a place that was far away from everything I knew. I cried alone in my seat as teammates passed by heading to their seats with smiles and eager with anticipation. 

I didn't move from my seat the entire 16 hours. 

I was stuck in my own fear and loneliness... 

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After dropping off the interns and leaving LAX  heading back to South LA on the 110 fwy, I broke down in tears. I cried and cried. I didn't know why I was crying, but I knew I needed to feel those emotions and let them out. It's almost as though I was reliving the feelings I had on the plane two years earlier.

I've been learning/realizing a lot about myself these past couple of weeks. Learning that as much as I don't want to admit that I am broken, I am in fact, very broken. Certain sins that I don't want to admit I fall into, I do. I fall and sin... I am broken and messed up. I need God each day. I may sometimes forget how much I need God, but that doesn't change the fact that I desperately need Him. Without God, I am just a broken sinful woman with no hope of restoration or healing. But with God, I have hope. A hope that I will heal from the wounds I brought from Manila. A hope that one day I will be thankful/grateful for my time there.

I have hope that one day all this mess and sin will no longer weigh me down when I am with my Lord.

I will be free.

Please pray for the interns currently in Manila. I know that I was changed by the things and people I saw during my 3 weeks there and needed prayer. The slum in Manila they will be living in is a hard place. Some of them have experienced such poverty and conditions, but others may not. There might be an intern who got on that plane and began crying just like me. So please, join me in praying for this new class of interns and their journey to Manila. I would also love your prayers as I begin looking into counseling to heal from the deep, dark, messed up places in my heart (some of which came to the surface 2 years ago in Manila and again yesterday).

Blessings,
Erika

Dance, dance like it's the last, last night of your life...

In my last blog, I wrote a lot about change and transition. And because life is constantly changing, I'm going to write about it again. Ha!
The past couple of weeks I have completed the following changes:
1. My email address
2. Blog
3. Desk at work

Yep, I switched desks at work. I could go into why this was such a needed move for me and describe the changed desk situation, but instead I'll give you the "nutshell" version. I used to be on a corner desk which opened up to an entry door of the office. So my back was facing that door. It was nice at first because it was so open but after a while, it became...annoying. It's hard to not know who is walking in the door and looking at your computer, desk, food, etc. My opportunity to move came when my computer at work got a virus (yep, even my work computer had a virus) and I had to temporarily change desks. I was here temporarily for a week and I LOVED it! I'm in the "middle" desk which means I have a third wall and it's a bit more private. When my computer came in after being repaired, I asked my boss if I could just stay and switch over to the other desk. And today it finally happened! I can't tell you how excited I am and happy about my new desk space. I think it's going to be good for me to be in a new area of the office, new atmosphere, new setting, etc.

All of that leads me to a much deeper discussion of changes in my life. Basically this whole summer's theme for me has been change. And it looks like it might continue into the Fall. I'm usually a timid person because I don't have a lot of confidence and easily doubt myself. I'm usually very afraid of change because it's new and unknown territory. This timidity affected all areas of my life because my approach to doing anything was always influenced by my fear of the unknown.

Not any more!

I don't want to be a person ruled by fear anymore. I don't want what others think of me to influence the things I decide to say, do, or try anymore.

This summer, I've taken a small step towards trying something new, even if it's a little scary.

I took a dance class.

Like a real, legit, dance class.

It was called StilettoFit and it kicked my butt. But that was just the step I needed to take. I felt empowered.

I, Erika Gannon, took a dance class in a room full of mirrors and paper-thin dancers. I did it!

And that was just the spark I needed to be hooked. I haven't gone back to that exact class because it was for a fitness level that I am not yet at. (underlined word: YET!). But I have tried other classes and completely fallen in love with dance. Am I trained? No. Do I feel alive when I am moving and groovin'? Yes! In fact, I recently tried a new class called "Groove Method". I don't think I can accurately express into words how happy and free this class made me feel. Here's a link to the official groove method website if you're interested: http://thegroovemethod.com/

I am in love with dance, movement, and expression of the body through music, beats, and moves. And it's all because I tried that first dance class. (And a little show I was kinda, sorta obsessed with this summer called So You Think You Can Dance...)

Here's to dancing more and trying new [and sometimes scary] things! Happy Friday everyone :)