Knowing Next Moves

I've been at my job 5 years now.

Whew.

When did THAT happen? It feels like just yesterday that I was hired full-time and so flipping relieved to have employment and a regular paycheck. In fact, I remember running into someone from high school during my lunch break one day (she was a transfer student and therefore hadn't graduated yet) and she judged me SO HARD for not doing what I  "went to school for". I remember thinking she was so naive (having not graduated herself and still in the mindset that she would for sure use her degree). I also remember feeling so relieved to have found full-time work that I didn't even consider WHAT I was doing. I had loans to pay off, rent to pay, groceries to buy, and life to live! While her comment did irk me a little, I didn't allow it to fester...until now.

When thinking about what to write for this post, I remembered that interaction; and feelings of jealousy, angst, anger, and bitter disappointment came rushing to my heart. I never imagined that my life would look anything like it does now. While I was never a big "dreamer" I never thought I would be "that girl". You all know her. You might even be her (or him). She's the girl that loved her major and assumed she would work in the field she studied in college... but life happened... and now she's an office worker. She's stuck behind the cubicle and hates it. It's a common trope now in many stories we see in TV, movies, and books. The character that works a shitty job but dreams of more (See: Secret Life of Walter Mitty, Office Space, etc.)

It's hard for me to write this post because I don't have any answers. Sure, the easy answer is: Find new employment. But there's so much packed into that statement that would need to unpack before I even begin to search elsewhere...

I'm stuck asking questions like, "What is my calling?" or "What do I want my life to look like in 5 years?" The most depressing part of answering those questions is that I don't have an answer. I don't even have a lofty, pie-in-the-sky type of answer. How does one figure out their calling? How do you just know what you're meant to do? And on the less fun, more practical side of things: who says you are meant to even have a "dream job"? I mean, someone has to be the customer service person who gets yelled at for bullshit things like entitlement and listening to rich people problems, right? Who decides which of us gets the dream job and which gets yelled at on the regular?

There's also the issue of living in America vs. any other country. We have this idea that we buy into called "The American Dream". We are told, especially my generation, that you should reach for your dreams and not to settle for any thing. But can everyone really be a pop star, model, dancer, etc.? Can we all become exactly what we thought we wanted when we were 5 years old? Reality is, no we can't.  Most of us will be in cubicles and I assume only a small percentage of us will be happy about it. It's the job that everyone mocks or uses as their example of a "bad job" and yet so many offices around the world are filled with cubicle employees.

Welcome to my brain! These are the conversations that I'm constantly having with myself and talking myself in circles. It's exhausting and extremely depressing. How do you actually change your entire life? How do you actually decide to take the leap and alter the entire direction of your life?

If anyone has answers or thoughts, I need to hear them below. Comment, email, anything! I need some motivation and guidance here people!

To: My Mom

I saw another blogger do this for her kids on their birthday and wanted to copy it! I don't have kids but I do have someone that I'd like to write to: My Mom. 

Mom, today is your ___(age removed for security purposes...) BIRTHDAY !! You've survived so many hardships and overcome each and every one, only to become a stronger woman in the end. I'm so proud and honored to call you my mom. 

This last year you got a promotion at work and got to celebrate overcoming that challenge that you hadn't previously thought you could! It's really great to watch you enjoy your work and grow with each new challenge you're thrown. 

You started cooking and baking more often and I can really see how happy those things make you. You even made tortillas from scratch... and they were delicious. I love seeing the joy and passion in your eyes as you cook for others. Everyone knows you're the best cook in town :) 

Later this year we will explore Vancouver for a little vacation (and happen upon a Supernatural convention) but I can't wait to see it all with you! It's gonna be awesome :) 

This was a rough year for me and you're the only person would got me through it. No one else was there for me like you were. Being able to escape to your house, sleep, rest, and feel as loved as you make me feel was exactly what I needed. Thank you for always being on my side. 

There are a million more things that I  could mention, but all I will say is this: You are an amazing mother and I'm so glad to have you in my life. 

Here's to another year of life's challenges and discoveries! 

Happy Birthday! I love you to the moon and back <3 

Falling Behind in Life

We interrupt our normal blogging schedule to bring you these thoughts. Below is a conversation I may (or may not) have had with God.

You know what, you're timing is tough to understand. Sometimes you send things/lessons at the perfect moment (and it's glorious) and other times it feels like you're dragging your feet on every....little....thing. Lately (meaning the last 3-4 years of my life) I have been feeling left behind in the grand scheme of life. I've blamed you most of the time actually. I've questioned my future and my value in this world because I haven't experienced things that people my age would have back in their teens! And as the years continue to pass, more and more friends have found relationships, gotten married, gained degrees, worked on having "careers", and attained what I call "Adult Status". They may not feel as though they are adults, but in my mind they are.

And then there's me.

Same job. No romantic prospects. No career path. . . .

But then, on a day like today, you send me this article: No You're Not Falling Behind in Life (Relevant Mag).

And it reminds me that I'm my own person and shouldn't compare my life to others. And while our relationship isn't all that great (sorry for the lack of prayers and not attending church and all...) I'm still on your side and hope that you are still on mine.