Loss

It's been a little under 2 1/2 months since I left my bag on the train. I've gone over and over the details of that day and even the night leading up to my train adventure to think of what I could or  should have done differently.

I wish I had left my retainer at home that weekend.

I wish I hadn't brought my laundry along with me.

I wish I had driven myself.

I wish I had remembered my bag before I left the train.

I could literally go on forever with lists of "wishes" and "regrets". At the moment that I realized I had left my bag on the train, I felt an intense peace about the entire situation. I didn't doubt for a second that it would be returned to me, eventually. When I called the Metrolink service to report it being left on the train, the representative over the phone was positive and mentioned the possibility of getting it back before the end of the weekend (this occurred on the Wednesday prior to Thanksgiving Day). And now, here I am, 2 months later & still no bag in sight. Metrolink said it could take up to a month to get it back to Union Station. So I waited...and waited. I called them just as they closed my case. Bag never recovered.

It's not even about the material things that were lost, most of which I have already replaced. It's about what I cannot replace. Most significant: my retainer. I've had this tiny piece of metal since middle school. My teeth sometimes "move" but my retainer always put them back in place. There was a time in high school when I thought I had lost the retainer and freaked out enough to request a replacement. Well, the dentist couldn't replace it really, but instead made a new model based on how my teeth where shaped then. Eventually, I found my original retainer and always kept this second one as just a "back-up" for the "real" retainer. Well, now my back-up is my only option. It's not as good, and I feel my teeth moving (it's a small change, but still...). Anyways, the point of this whole retainer discussion is to show that I'm still not "over" forgetting my bag. And just when I think I'm over it and can move-on, I'm reminded (every night) as I brush my teeth, that I lost my "good" retainer and the thought cycle repeats with the above statements and regrets.

Maybe this is silly to some and ridiculous to others. But I've spent majority of nights crying in anger before I go to sleep. A couple nights ago, I basically pleaded with God to do a miracle...to bring back my bag! It was a low point.

So, now I post this potentially embarrassing story to ask for your prayers. I want to be freed from this cycle of stress, regret, anger, and sadness. Especially over something that seems as silly as a bag. I realized last night that I need to first ask forgiveness from God for things I said to Him in anger, but then I  need to forgive myself. I'm so angry with myself for being so forgetful and clueless. I don't trust myself with anything valuable now. I'm so afraid that I'll just forget it somewhere. Especially when I travel public transit (which is pretty much everyday going to and from work). I don't want to live in fear of forgetting something else or regret any longer. Thank you for praying for freedom and rebuilding my trust that God will provide what I need, when I need it. I tend to forget that about our Father...

Peace.

Glee Controversy

As many who have gmail and have seen my status recently, I cannot seem to get "Glee" out of my mind. I sing the songs, think about the storylines, obsessively watch old episodes, etc. So when I saw this article about "The Business of Glee" I read it right away. Here is a link to this article in the Hollywood Reporter: Inside the Hot Business of Glee. It's a pretty good article about what making the show is like and gives insight into who does what and how it gets on-air each week. Basic summary: Ryan Murphy does everything! But, all kidding aside, there was a statement that I read which caught me off guard. In the Hollywood Reporter article, Murphy mentions Kings of Leon and how they wouldn't allow for Glee to use their songs to cover. Ryan said, 

" F--- you, Kings of Leon,” he says, raising the volume of his monotonal interview voice ever so lightly. “They’re self-centered assholes, and they missed the big picture. They missed that a 7-year-old kid can see someone close to their age singing a Kings of Leon song, which will maybe make them want to join a glee club or pick up a musical instrument. It’s like, OK, hate on arts education. You can make fun of Glee all you want, but at its heart, what we really do is turn kids on to music.”

What got my attention was how harsh he was towards the band and on such a public level too. Little did I know that it would spark a controversy as it has. I read the article and then it was all over the news! I guess the article was right in it's title "Big Business" of Glee. Here's my thinking: I understand that some people don't like the show. It's perfectly normal considering people's taste in things can vary. Sometimes those people are normal folks like you and me, and sometimes those people are major recording artists who don't want to associate their music with the show. It should have ended there.

But now we have twitter responses and reactions to comments that I would bet money each party would want to take back.

Here is the article I read with the comments made by both parties: Kings of Leon vs. Glee

This shouldn't have been a big deal, but once the "wear a bra" comment was made, it was all over. Especially if we think about how much Glee has showcased bullying and gay students struggling against comments and attacks. How could Ryan Murphy not comment?  Nathan from Kings of Leon, came across as the exact type of person Glee fights against and stands up to, a bully. It made me gasp when I read what he said to Mr. Murphy. It's just a sad situation that shouldn't have ever happened.

Blue Valentine

[Side Note: This was written a couple weeks ago, prior to any awards or nominations, but just recently posted due to editing issues]

I do not claim to be a "movie critic" but occasionally, I have thoughts on a particular movie that I want to share with you. I recently saw the movie "Blue Valentine" starring Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams. The basic plot of the movie is about a couple and their relationship. Sounds like any other film, right?  The tag line for the film reads "A Love Story" which is perfect because that is exactly what it is. This is a movie about how people meet and how their lives progress through challenges and triumphs. Blue Valentine, however, offers a very different view of a relationship because we are told (in previews and plot summaries) that this is about the disintegration of the couple just as much as it is about how they met and all the years in between.


I personally love a good breakup movie, almost as much as I love a well-told love story. This movie offers us both. Ryan Gosling continues to be my favorite actor in his stunning portrayal of Dean, a man with lots of artistic talent but not much motivation to do anything with it. Michelle Williams is also wonderful in the role of Cindy, a woman whose home life eventually became dysfunctional enough for her to realize she was unhappy. She desires more in life than what she already has. The movie skillfully portrays her viewpoint and illustrates the fact that the decisions she makes aren't always her best. Even when she is aware of the risk, she makes a decision anyway and only the audience is lucky enough to see how it plays out in her relationship with Dean immediately afterward. We all know life changes, but rarely do we get to see just how much we will love/hate the outcome instantly like in "Blue Valentine".




The acting is extraordinary. The "look" of the film is beautifully crafted. The editing was also particularly well done (and this isn't usually something I notice when watching a movie). The editing wasn't just a tool to put the pieces together in telling the story, it was a means of telling the story in a way that helped elevate the emotions of a scene or push the plot to a deeper emotional place than it might have been otherwise. Showing both the beginning and end of a relationship (occasionally it's shown simultaneously in the same shot) offers a heartbreaking look at how our emotions can change depending on the context we find ourselves. Love is a fickle friend that can make us believe we are making the right decisions, but if we were to get a glimpse of the future and how those decisions played out...would we choose that same path?

Overall, this movie was compelling and seductive. It grabbed my attention and didn't let go until the credits rolled. I highly recommend this film to all who enjoy a good story told through a fresh perspective. I have included both posters for the film, each showing the different "emotions or feelings" of the film.One dark and gritty, the other sunny and hopeful.