Prayer

It is January and for the Church of the Redeemer, that means it's time for Prayer and Fasting together as a church body. This is to help us focus and be attentive to the things God is doing both in our church community and in the larger LA community that we serve. Since I've moved to LA and joined Redeemer, this time has been both a challenge and a gift. This year, I'm hoping to experience something entirely new in my prayer and fasting times. I'm hoping to experience Jesus in a way that I can't say I ever have before. I want intimacy and deep healing from Jesus. I have recently been reminded just how broken and lost I feel. I feel a hole within my heart that continues to grow. I've been searching for something and not finding it. I wish I could say I have always known that I was searching for Jesus, but I can't. Sometimes I replace Jesus with ________ (food, friends, etc.). Instead of looking for more Jesus in my life, I look for more food. I look for more time with friends. Well, now I want to look for more time with Jesus...

So, as I pray and fast not only for my family and my neighborhood, I will also be praying and expecting Jesus to show-up for me.

Please join me in prayer as I wait expectantly for Jesus to come into my life in a way that is completely new and refreshing to my soul.

Peace.

Not twisted & hollow...

Last night I was called an extreme "J".

I had never been told that before and yet it's so true. I freak out when plans change, especially super last minute and I have no way of planning something else. Over the years, I've grown and not always show these feelings of frustration on the outside, but internally...I'm freaking out.

My mother has known this about me ever since I was little. My grandma used to babysit me when we still lived in Fontana and my mom worked full-time. So each morning we had a routine. We drove the same roads day in and day out. Eventually I learned the roads and turns we would take going to grandma's house. Plus it was a daily trip, so I knew each morning meant getting ready to go to grandma's and taking those same roads. But there would be the occasional visit to a Tia's house, or stop by some store before going to grandma's house...and from what I've been told my mom dreaded the point that I realized things were different. The moment I saw that we turned left instead of right, or continued straight instead of stopping to park, it was all over. I would immediately ask where we were going and why we weren't going to grandma's house as I had mentally planned. Tears and little kid panic attacks ensued.

It throws me off (then and now) and I have a hard time getting back on track and being ok with what is ultimately out of my control.

Honestly, I still struggle with this issue. Needing order and plans shows a deep lack of trust in God and His plans (this I know from my time in Servant Partners). Life isn't always "plan-able" because things happen. People forget or overbook themselves, I lose track of time, I snooze one to many times on my alarm and now need to rush to make it on time, etc. Life is unexpected and that's hard for me.

What's funny to me is how different my mom and brother are in this regard. They live in the moment and are some of the most flexible people I know. My brother is more of a "planner" than my mom but he still goes with the flow of life pretty easily (I guess in comparison to me). I'm so thankful that they are willing to be flexible for me as well as accommodate my needs for a plan when they can. This concept of a plan comes up a lot for my mom and myself because we are so drastically different. She would be fine without a plan at all and just see where the day takes her. When I tell people that I'm going home to see her, they usually ask "What are you going to do?" and I have learned to say (and be ok with saying) I'm not sure. Sometimes this works out and the weekend goes perfectly, and other times there is some argument or frustration from one/both of us about how we spend our time. Thankfully, we are very aware of this aspect of our relationship and have learned how to deal with it when it comes up.

I tell you this because over the past 24 hours I have seen the high and low of my  "J" personality.

Yesterday, I planned to use my car for a Target trip and then use some extra time to journal, pray, or something introverted like that.

At 4:30 I get a text that my car is needed as plans had changed.

OK, I can handle that. Maybe this will give me opportunity to use my Wii Fit at home since everyone would be gone (according to this new "plan").

I get home and basically nothing was as I had thought it would be. What that meant was I could not go about the plans I had just made... and I was stuck at home with no (3rd) plan.

Low point reached. 

I couldn't even control the tears at this point.

Looking back, it's silly. I can totally see that I took things too far and should've just been patient and wait to see what was going to happen, but that just wouldn't be me. Instead, I freaked out and couldn't function for about 45 minutes. I closed my door, cried, and then tried to calm myself down enough to make another plan for how I would spend my Friday night.
 Eventually, things calmed down at my house and I did get to use my Wii Fit for an entire hour! I even walked to a local Sushi place and got dinner for myself. At the end of the day, it was a great Friday and if I were a more flexible person it would have been uneventful.

Today has been my chance to "ultra plan" my day and be more productive than I have been in a long time! It did start out kinda rough because I snoozed my alarm for taking Sarah to the airport and had only 10 minutes once I did wake-up to be ready to take her to LAX. But it's been uphill from there.

 I drove back home and took a shower, got breakfast, drove to Thousand Oaks, saw the movie "Blue Valentine", washed my car (vacuumed the inside even), and now I'm sitting at a cafe writing this all out while my computer charges my phone. I feel so accomplished and happy because of the day that I have had.

High point reached! (Smiley face)


I promise that I am trying to be better about planning and being ok with spontaneous changes. I'm still on a journey to learn how to be more like a red-vine (Flexible and bendable, not twisted and hollow). Let's hope this weekend goes well :)

Blessings to each of you!

Christmas Episodes!

I usually try to keep my blog about personal thoughts, reflections, or prayer requests. For this particular entry, however, I wanted to share some thoughts on one of my favorite topics: TV. In particular I would like to discuss the recent Christmas episodes of two of my favorite shows, GLEE and Community.

SPOILER ALERT!

If you haven't watched either "A Very Glee Christmas" or "Abed's Uncontrollable Christmas" then I suggest you come back after you have watched these delightful episodes.

First, GLEE. I have had my ups and downs with this show since last year's winter break. I always feel like I am opposite of most others who watch the show. When everyone loves Finn, I can't stand him. When others are annoyed and anxious about Rachel, I love her. I'm not sure how others felt about this episode, but I know I just loved it. I thought the characters were more real to the original characters in season 1 than they have been in recent episodes. I admired Finn for not immediately taking Rachel back as well as for not being bitter or mean towards her. He would have been justified to treat her coldly, yet he chose to try and be positive/civil even though he was so hurt by what she had done. Finn has grown to be a much more mature and even thoughful (who would have known?) person this season. His character has developed into someone of integrity and honesty and that is one of my favorite things about TV...the growth and development of characters.

I loved Kurt and Blaine's duet of "Baby, It's Cold Outside". I love these two together. We have yet to learn Blaine's feelings for Kurt but this episode leaned heavily on the side of possible romance between the two. From what we have seen of Blaine, he seems to be a great model for Kurt to learn how to be comfortable in his own skin. We have seen Kurt be very confident and proud of who he is in previous season 1 episodes, but recently that has slowly been chipping away with the physical bullying and lonliness he has expressed. I'm glad that Blaine has become someone who can build him back up again. I'm very excited to see what develops between the two.

I enjoyed the "feeling" of joy and how the glee club was trying to push past the negative surrounding them, even when life seems to be sucky. There have been times this season when I felt GLEE tried too hard to be "deep" or emotional and all that came across was shallow and empty. This episode, thankfully, was not like that. I felt the characters honestly wanted to hope in something more than the situations they found themselves in. They wanted to save Brittany's reality that Santa existed, even if just one more year. I believed each song they sang and I believed that they were trying to be helpful, if not only for homelessness or orphans, then for each other and the club as a whole. Although, I have missed Mercedes storylines this season (and the tot episode? What was that all about?) but I am hopeful that we'll see more from her when the show returns after the Super Bowl. *Fingers-crossed *

And now, Community , oh how I love thee. I'll be the first to admit that I wasn't sure what this show was about when it premiered last year. Sure it made fun of community college students or the community college "type" but would we watch each week if the same jokes were made? (Some may argue that ratings are pretty low, but that's besides the point). I'm not sure if the writers even knew what they wanted the show to be when it first began. In my opinion, most shows are like plants that need to be planted and grown into the flowers they could be if we gave them a chance, but that's for another blog post.

Towards the end of the first season, I began to sense what this show was. It wanted to make fun of things in pop culture and have it's own take on what's popular but it also has a heart of it's own. The heart lies with these characters that randomly came together for a study group and grew into a family. Did I feel cheesy writing that last line, you bet I did. But it's true, and this Christmas episode highlighted that point perfectly.

Without losing the sarcasm of Jeff or the one-liners from Pierce, we got an episode about family, Christmas, expectations, and meaning.

The entire episode revolves around Abed and his illusion of being clay-mation for a purpose that takes the crew on a journey (and the entire episode) to find. Abed is not an emotional character. It wouldn't make sense for him to deal with the sudden changes in his family (which isn't discovered until close to the end) in any other way but through the movies he knows. Each December 9th, he would watch Rudolph with his mom so why not deal with his pain through the same lense that he would watch the original clay-mation movie? I thought it was brilliant and honest to the character Abed was created to be.

 Each of the "christmas" bodies for everyone were spot-on (except Babydoll Shirley... not sure I get that one yet). Troy Soldier, Britta-bot...awesome. The refence to LOST was superb! I completely agree with the outcome that Christmas (and LOST) really are what you make them to be. If it means something to you then that's exactly what it means. I loved seeing the care and concern they all had for Abed and their willingness to journey with him through his personal wonderland. Very touching and yet still complete with Community wit and edge complete with a remote controlled  pterodactyls.

These episodes remind me of why I love television so much. It can express feelings, ideas, visions, or reflections to such a large number of people and is such a large part of our American culture today. I loved the heart in each of these episodes and the brilliant writing staff that wrote such great and moving stories. These are some of my favorites this season. Now, we break for the winter and new shows return in February!

Thank you for letting me indulge in TV chatter . Merry Christmas everyone!