Random Update: The residents of the school that I work at have returned. It's been another crazy week of working late hours, but the overtime is definitely nice! I'm hoping to be back to "normal" life next week.

Let's be honest...

I recommend you listen to the song as you read the lyrics...
Gungor "Please Be My Strength" (music video linked to title)

I've tried to stand my ground
I've tried to understand
But I can't seem to find my way again.
Like water on the sand
Or grasping at the wind
I keep falling short

Please be my strength
Please be my strength
I don't have anymore.

I'm looking for a place
Where I can plant my Faith
One thing I know for sure
I cannot create it
I cannot sustain it
It's your love that's keeping me
[chorus repeated]

And at my final breath
I hope that I can say
I've fought the good fight of faith
I pray your glory shines
Through this doubting heart of mine
And all would know that You
You are my strength
You and you alone, Keep bringing me back home 

I found this song during a prayer time about a month ago. I had set aside one evening to be alone in my (then) room to pray. I basically spent the entire evening weeping and praying very angry prayers towards God. Eventually, I went on YouTube (of all places) for new worship songs and I found this song. It is such a beautiful, honest, and difficult song for me to listen to because it perfectly describes my attitude towards God. I want to have faith and believe all the things I once did. Yet I find myself doubting and wanting to walk away. I've been tempted to throw in the towel and  ignore God, simply because it's too painful to think about just how let down I am with Him. I've been taught well though...because my knee jerk response  to myself is "God cannot be ignored" or "God hasn't left you" etc.etc. But the truth is, I'm tired and extremely heart-broken. I've been let down more than victorious. I don't have any strength. I'm angry and very bitter...

There are a lot of attributing factors to the state that I'm in. The past 3 years haven't been the best in my life and I've struggled to see goodness in the midst of them. Suffering. Unexplained emergencies. Disappointments. Lack of community. Isolation. All led me down this path to not trusting God and feeling abandoned by most things/people/events in my life, mainly God.

Now I'm trying to walk down the path of healing and recovery because I know, somewhere inside myself, that God is good and loves me...But right now, I honestly don't believe that to be true in my heart of hearts. I've been operating under the notion that God does indeed exist, but I'm not sure if He is as good as I once felt. I've struggled to pray and have hope that God will bring good things in my life. This may be a surprise to those reading this, mainly because it's not something I've been ready to openly deal with or write about. Trust me, I've begun and deleted A LOT of posts about this. Most, however, didn't feel right to share or didn't feel "complete enough" to post. But here I am...

I appreciate your prayers, especially since I haven't prayed in a long time. While I won't be writing everything on such a public stage as this, I will update you as I continue to walk, learn, and explore what I believe in and what to put my faith into.

New & Exciting Can = Scary & Intimidating

There is something that I've noticed when looking back on my life. I have lived most days in fear.

Fear of what people will think, say, believe, not believe, judge or hold against me. I was never bullied in school for being a "bigger" kid or for liking music because I made myself as invisible as possible to avoid it all. My goal was to simply fit in and don't allow anyone to see something in me that could be mocked. I never tried new things or took any risks because I was too afraid of failure. I was too afraid of being mocked and I didn't allow me to be me.

Well...I will no longer live in fear.

I have always enjoyed performing, singing, dancing, creating. I haven't always been outspoken about these loves in my life because I doubted my ability to actually do/be them. I doubted the support I would receive. I was afraid. If there's anything that I've come to discover over the past 6-9 months it's that I care entirely too much what other's think. I hate to admit it, but I am such a people-pleaser that I can push aside my own dreams in order to "please" the people I care about. This isn't always bad, but its certainly not good either. This is my life, right? This life is short and I don't want to look back and think about the things I wish I had done. I want to experience life to the fullest right now, not when it's too late!

So I'm taking charge and pushing past the temptation to please others.
I'm going to try.

(Side Note: This is a pretty cool article about these EXACT feelings: The Top 5 Deathbed Regrets)

All of this is easier said than done and I'm well aware of this struggle. Its still hard for me to think about what I want or to dream for myself. Hence the title of this post. It's exciting to start thinking about my dreams for my life, but it's also scary. What if it doesn't happen? What if I'm not good at it? Is this what I really want? Maybe I should just stay here where it's comfortable....

I will no longer live in fear.

Must put aside doubts 

Push forward towards the life I desire

Break through complacency and into adventure 

I cannot let me hold me down. I will not let me hold me back. 

This past week, I went on my very first audition! I was extremely nervous and repeatedly thought I should quit and avoid the audition. But I knew doing that would erase all the work I've put into not allowing fear of failure dictate my life. So I auditioned...
..and I was rejected.

Success! No, I didn't get the part, heck...I didn't even get a call back. But it wasn't because I stopped myself from trying. And now I have the opportunity to work with the production team and maybe even take some classes/workshops to see if I can hone in a craft with acting techniques! I wouldn't have been offered that without putting myself out there and trying!

So where do I go from here? What's next? How will I continue to try in other things?

• Continue with voice lessons
• Peer mentoring sessions 
• Working on some short films
• Begin my own video projects (music video concepts)
• Allow myself to dream and not in fear

There are other things going on for me spiritually, but I think that's for another post. To anyone who reads this, thank you for being interested in my life and walking with me in this journey. The path hasn't always been straight or easy, but I'm thankful for the continued love and support. 

Cheers!