I remember the day I decided to switch to wordpress for my blog. I remember how badly I wanted to be a blogger and how often people told me that I needed to actually write in order to be a writer (which is true) but I took it to another level and tried to be something that I just wasn't (and still am not). I tried to make it "more professional" but then I had the worst case of writer's block that I've ever had. I had a "new job" which really took a toll on my mental state and I just couldn't write. I didn't have the brain space to both learn my new job and all it's responsibilities as well as write and be creative. I was fried. I was tired. I was depressed. All of which led me to the longest writing drought since I began blogging in college.

I can't say why I re-opened this blog. I know that I'm relieved that I did because it feels like more my style and pace. I'm not a professional blogger. I don't need a fancy domain name. All I need is a creative thought and a place to put it.

So here I am.

I'm going to try to write things out, share myself and my thoughts, and we'll see where that leads.

IF: Gathering 2016

I was able to attend my second IF:Gathering Women's conference which was livestreamed to my church Newsong LA.  It's just as powerful as being in the actual room (which is in Austin, TX) without any travel/hotel costs! Last year I remember thinking how bizarre this livestream concept was, but this year I found myself excited for what God would have for us.

This year's "theme" was about Jesus' life and reaching the lost among us. A lot of the speakers asked how we can reach those around us or those who don't already know Jesus. This is where I confess that I'm not the biggest fan of evangelism. I know in my heart that I should always want to share Jesus' love and want others to know His goodness but I struggle with desiring that; not out of a selfish desire to keep Him to myself but rather because I'm not always comfortable with the entire experience. It's something I know I need to work on and seek God to change my heart...we're working on it.

All of that is to say that I wasn't as engaged with the speakers as I was last year. Another difference was the inclusion of men into the conference. This year we had two men give sermons and we had an "awards show" for IF: Men who supported their wives, sisters, etc. in attending and planning the conference. I'm all for thanking those who support women, but I have to say that I wasn't a fan of this segment. What I loved about last year was seeing powerful and courageous women give powerful sermons and exhortations to women. It all felt so empowering last year whereas this year felt like any other conference I've attended rather than a women's conference for women. This might paint an incorrect picture of my thoughts on men but that's not my intention. I love strong male leaders and the guidance they can provide, but it wasn't what I expected. Thankfully, they did have great women speak to us this year and I wanted to highlight a few that stood out to me:

One of my favorite speakers from both years is Bianca Olthoff and this year she did not disappoint. She spoke on John 11 and the death of Lazarus. She pointed out where the text says "Lord, your dear friend is sick" to highlight that this was personal to Jesus and Lazarus was someone close to his heart while He was here on earth and yet Jesus waited 2 days before heading towards Lazarus. Which doesn't make sense to us...why wait? One of my favorite quotes from her is this, "Faith is equally as miraculous as Lazarus coming back to life". She ended by telling us to ask ourselves if we can stare at something wrapped in death/dying and still look at Jesus and say that we believe He is good. Do you believe this if He heals/changes the situation? Do you believe this is He doesn't?
This was such a good time in the Word and looking at Jesus not as a solution to my problems or things I want fixed in my life...but as someone to spend life with through the good and bad. I want to remember her words and this passage when life gets hard and things don't go as planned and still be able to say I love Jesus for who He is and not what I want Him to accomplish for me.

While I didn't enjoy all the changes in programming, I still really LOVE this conference and what it's aiming to accomplish in the lives of women around the globe. To get a glimpse of what last year was like, here's a "promo" clip from previous years.

Powerful right?!

One aspect of the conference that I do want to talk about is a table conversation they had discussing "Seasons of Life" which is basically a nice way of saying "Single. Married. Kids. No kids". This fascinates me and I think women need to have more of these conversations so that friendships can withstand the changes that life brings to each us of at different times. Single women need support and love in different ways than someone in a relationship...married women without kids need support and love in different ways than those with kids. In my opinion, the most beautiful truth is that we can all (at some point) provide that support to each other regardless of the seasons we find ourselves in currently. It wasn't deeply religious in context but it was a very important conversation to begin on the stage and one that I hope to continue with my friends in the various stages we are in now.


Here is a link to the founder of IF (Jennie Allen) and her closing remarks, which include some pictures and ending thoughts now that the 2016 conference has ended: http://www.jennieallen.com/what-if-we-lived-like-jesus-free-download/

Next year I'd like to maybe host a gathering or get some more of my girlfriends involved so we can all experience IF together! I'll be sure to keep everyone posted :) The dates for 2017 are February 3rd & 4th so keep that open if you're interested!

xoxo
E

Thank you Kaiser

This week marks the end of my Kaiser Depression Care Management. While I am still seeing my MFT (Marriage & Family Therapist) I have been discharged by my depression manager because I have shown significant decrease in my depression symptoms.

You see, each time I saw her we went over 10+ questions to help determine the severity of my depression. These are some of the hardest questions to answer when you're in the thick of it, because it forces you to say outloud what you might want to keep in your head. Questions like: In the past 2 weeks, have you struggled to find 1 thing that you enjoy doing? And the responses vary from "Not at All" (Meaning you've found pleasure in something each day) all the way to "Most Days" (Meaning you could not enjoy even 1 thing for the majority of the past 2 weeks).

When I first began, my answers varied from several days to most days struggling to enjoy activities, feeling isolated/forgotten. I was tired most of the time, was overeating (which is one of the questions they ask), feeling unworthy and forgotten by most people in my life. The biggest hurdle was struggling to make decisions. ANY decision felt extremely overwhelming. Even deciding what to have for dinner would bring me to tears (on my worst days) because I just couldn't choose.

The service that Kaiser provided was almost like a Depression Coach. I would meet with her every 2 weeks and we would talk about things I enjoyed doing. I shared how I loved Zumba when I was doing it but felt that I couldn't physically handle that anymore. She would then provide me with other options, like going for a walk, just to get some physical activity and start there. That's all. She didn't suggest trying Zumba again (until we were months into the process) which was a relief. The entire process was about taking steps, no matter how big or small, to start enjoying life again.

Her motto was "Getting ready... to be ready... to step back into life" and I absolutely loved it. It was an accessible way for someone who couldn't even decide what to eat to commit to walk for 2 days a week. Then 3 days. The biggest goal was getting good sleep. I was sleeping from 6pm-9pm and then up until 1am. Some days I would go to bed at 10pm and wake up at 3am and not be able to go back to sleep until 6am. IT. WAS. MISERABLE. I know sleep is important, but through Kaiser I also learned that it's a key element to my depression and something I must always keep monitored. Bad sleep = slipping into depression (for me personally).

Without going into each and every detail of my recovery, I just wanted to give Kaiser a shout-out for their help and support with my depression. I've learned how to better care for myself both in happy times and in sad times so that I don't slip back down into the depths of depression like I did before. I'm not sure where I would be without my Depression Care Manager (who I will miss talking with. She was AWESOME).

If you have Kaiser and find yourself looking for help, I HIGHLY recommend this service. It's at no additional cost and it quite literally saved my life. Feel free to message me or email me if you have questions. I'd be so happy to help in whatever ways I can as someone who had such a positive experience with this member benefit.

Here's to mental health and giving yourself a fighting chance to overcome the darkness life can bring.

xo