Birthday Letter at 29

Here is a letter to myself about what the past year has been and what hopes I have  for the year ahead. Sprinkled throughout this post are various pictures taken throughout the year. 

Today you turn 29 years old. Can you believe it? When did THAT happen?

Last year you definitely took more risks which is amazing because you wrote about that in last year's birthday letter and you DID it! Some of them didn't pan out and some did, but isn't that the point of taking risks? Like you said before, no matter what the outcome, the experience alone will be worth it (and it was!).  God has also given you a community of people who love and challenge you to seek God and His Kingdom in your small group bible study. Another hope from last year that God so gracefully brought to life.

So looking ahead, I hope you are able to continue your process of healing and restoration through counseling and continue to take risks. Remember that relationships are difficult but the good ones are worth fighting for. Listen openly and share honestly with your loved ones and those near to your heart.

I hope that you pursue writing more seriously this year. Whether that means here on your blog or other places, just write more. You have an idea for a concept and I hope that you use this year to flesh it out and see if it can grow into something more. (hint: It has to do with being single vs. in a relationship and bringing those worlds together in harmony).

I hope you allow yourself to open up and receive love without doubt or insecurity. Believe the words of the people in your inner circle because they care about you and want the best for your life. Don't let any lies take that love away from you. Right now you're in a relationship that is just beginning to blossom and grow. Nurture it and bring your community into the entire process. You never thought you'd be asking the questions you are or experiencing the love you have, but here you are. Enjoy the good times and learn from the trials. He is a blessing to your life and challenges you in new and fantastic ways. Make sure you help him to feel loved and work to make him stronger just as he does for you as well.

Enjoy the things in life that you have and stop comparing yourself to others. They might have something you want, but you have been blessed and can to be grateful for the gifts you do receive. Work to bring down the jealous voices in your head because they do nothing helpful for anyone. Instead, practice thankfulness and grace towards yourself and those around you. Be a light of positivity rather than a shadow of envy.

And lastly, I hope this year you are better able to find your voice. Find what you're passionate about, what turns you on; what you want to be about and pursue it wholeheartedly. My hope for this next year is for honesty and passion to fill every aspect of your life. Don't fear your voice and the power you have in your words, thoughts & feelings. They have more value that you give them credit for. Explore new and healthy ways to express them and bring out the inner strength of your friends & family too!

Remember to take time to appreciate life's little pleasures. And for God's sake, live a little!!
This is your last year in the 20's so you better enjoy the hell out of it!

 

Now for the First Time

Hello friends! There have been a few things that I wanted to update you on in my life as well as ask for help and encouragement. 

For the first time in my life, I find myself in a romantic relationship. He is a wonderful, sweet, handsome, and kind man. But that's all the mush you'll get from me... for now. 

I'm writing this post because I'm still finding the whole thing hard to believe. You see, I had spent the better part of the past two years preparing for a life of being single. Some days I was motivated by self-pity and other days it was a deep-rooted sense that the "single life" was the life God was asking of me. I started operating in the mindset that I need to find my value and joy in life as a single woman apart from romance. I was not interested in dating or trying to find someone because I wanted to show the world happiness does not lie in romantic relationships alone (a statement I still very much believe to be true). 

After spending 28 years single, I learned that the importance of  relationships includes those with your family and friends, not just who you marry. I never saw romance as something I was entitled to experience or have in my life and I still don't believe anyone is entitled to date. I do believe we are called to relationships, but our view is so skewed and broken that we wrongfully focus on romance and tend to neglect the life-long friendships and close bonds we can have with our mothers, fathers, siblings, cousins, etc, etc. 

Since I was planning to spend my life being "the forever single girl" in my social circles (and actually found peace with that identity) how the heck did I find myself in a dating relationship?

I had begun to feel more depressed and saw people around me experiencing changes in their jobs, school, finances, or relationships and I felt as if my life looked exactly the same as it did 10 years ago. I was still single, no career, same job for 7 years, and nothing good (or so I told myself). In a moment of desperation I decided to sign up for a dating app simply as a game. I'd seen a few YouTube videos talking about how shallow it is and how it can be almost seen as a game. I had little invested in the entire process other than entertainment and potentially getting some "practice dates" so I would have funny/crazy stories to tell my friends. That seemed like an easy way for me to socially fit in with dating conversations even though I knew it wouldn't lead to a relationship.

Now, after making it official with the boy, I find myself in a weird state of re-discovering my identity. It's gotten easier as the weeks have progressed, but I still feel very aware that something has changed. I'm no longer that single lady I held onto so tightly for 28 years, but instead I'm a hybrid of who I once was and who I am now. Don't for a second believe that I've forgotten the struggles of being single or that I've lost the insecurity that I carried. Those aspects are still very much a part of who I am; the context in which they show themselves is the biggest difference. These days I see how my insecurities can affect him and how we both need to work on caring well for each other as well as ourselves in order to make this thing last. 

Which brings me to the support that I'll need in this next season of life. Not only am I in a new relationship, but I will also begin therapy next week. I've been seeing a career counselor for a few months to discover what career I want to pursue and through the course of our conversations, the next best step in my life is to pursue healing and "table" the career search. I have wounds that remain open and have now created a very large barrier that has made it almost impossible to move forward in my life. My therapist and I discovered that I struggle to find my own voice (which isn't helpful for someone who enjoys writing as much as I do) and that prevents me from knowing myself well enough to know the path I want in my life. These issues also affect my friendships, my time with family, and my new relationship which only adds more motivation for me to find healing. 

So I ask that you, reader of my thoughts, support me through prayer, conversations, and time spent with me so that our relationship can continue even in this time of deep reflection and healing. I want my life to be immersed in community because if I am isolated in this time, I fear the stronghold of depression will take over, and I just can't go through that again. I also ask for your patience with me for the next couple of months. I will do my best to support and care for you, but I do ask for your grace and forgiveness for the times I screw up or let you down. I don't know if I'll be operating at full capacity but I'll do my best. And that's all I ask of you in return. Some might be uncomfortable dealing with me and the emotions I'll be working through...and that's ok. I learned last year that depression can be difficult to navigate but it also provides a great filter for who will be in my life when the going gets tough and who won't. I'm grateful for those who have remained in my life who are willing to continue together just as much as I'm grateful for the ability to weed out the chaff [see: metaphor definition]. 

I love and appreciate each of you <3  

Happy Birthday Brother!

Today my brother turns 25 and I want to continue in a practice of writing him a letter each year for his birthday to reflect on the year that has passed and the many years ahead. 

To Josh: Happy Birthday little brother. Today you turn 25! It's hard for me to believe that little boy above is now 25 years old and living a pretty amazing life.  

Even now in my wiser age (number stricken from the record) you still know more of the things you want to accomplish than I have even begun to consider. You have a long-time career goal and you constantly look for opportunities to grow and develop your craft through script supervising, production, and working at CBS over the past year as a page. I hope to someday have the same focus in my work and what I want to do in life as I've seen you have in yours. 

I know romance hasn't always been easy for you, but I know that someday you will make some girl the luckiest girl in the world. You are a gentleman and I'm continually proud of you for your respect of women and decency towards others. Knowing that there are still guys like you in the world helps ease any of my concerns for future generations. You are a hopeless romantic; I know I mock that sometimes (because I'm not even close to being one) but it's sweet to see that hope and desire for love alive in someone so young. 

My hope for you in the next year(s) would be that you learn to be more flexible with the little challenges that life can bring. People are complex and each life has it's own story. I hope that you are able to bend and move with the flow of life and not be too hard on yourself or others when they fall short. Humans are flawed creature, but the best you can do is support those you love and constantly encourage them to be better to the best of their abilities.

I often tell people that I didn't grow up with a best friend or having someone close to confide in, but now I realize that just is't true. I had you. Sure, you were a built-in best friend and basically had no choice in the matter, but damn we had fun...right? I am grateful for your friendship and showing me how to care for another person. Thanks for walking with me to Burger King in the summer for lunch, swimming in the community pool, dancing to 'Nsync, and then quickly doing our "chores" before mom came home from work. I couldn't have asked for a better friend than the one God gave me in you. I'm so glad I had you when we would go between mom and dad's house because I would have been so lonely without someone to watch movies or play Mario Kart with me!

Today we celebrate you and the joy you've brought to the lives of everyone you meet. Never lose your sense of humor because it'll help you get through the not-so-funny moments life throws at you.

I love you very much.
Celebrate and know that you are loved today and the rest of your days.

Love, 

DeeDee